Progress!

It's been awhile since I last posted an update, and I can't believe how much I have to share with you.

After submitting our application, we were contacted almost immediately by the ICPC Case Manager. Within the week, we already had an appointment to go get our fingerprints done through the Department of Family Services. Aside from our prints, we had to sign up for a Kinship Foster Care Training Class. When I called, I was told that we would be placed on the waiting list because there were no openings. What a bummer! Being the Type A person I am, I freaked out that we might now meet the deadline of May 27th. Our Case Manager assured me that we would be fine. If our class went longer than the deadline, they would grant us a license contingent on completion of the class. About a week later, they opened up spaces and we signed up. We'll have class every Friday in the month of May, finishing on May 31st!

This past weekend, we went to Phoenix to celebrate Matt's dad's 60th birthday. I contacted a social worker in Tucson to see if there was any chance to visit with Alex. She got me in contact with his foster mom, and we met them on Sunday. It was great to see him, especially for Matt and CJ who had not met him before. He is a sweet little baby! He looks so much healthier than when I last saw him. He has put on almost 4 pounds! His foster mom is amazing. She is clearly taking very good care of him. He is her 18th placement. Talk about commitment!


Matt and CJ, with sweet little Alex.

This morning, we met with our Case Manager for our first home visit. It was a relatively short visit because she has a copy of our Arizona home study which provides a lot of the information she would need. We'll have one more visit after this - a safety walk-through of our house - which will be scheduled as soon as we finish our class. After that, we'll wait to hear from Arizona about picking Alex up! My guess is the 2nd or 3rd week of June.

We look forward to starting our classes on May 3rd, and will keep you posted on all of our progress.

Starting From Scratch

If you read my last post, you'll know that there was a chance that we'd have to start over on our home study. In an attempt to remain positive, I kept telling myself there was no way that they would ask us to start over again after we just gotten things moving. I spoke with our case worker from the ICPC office and sure enough, we are starting from scratch.

For whatever reason, the Clark County ICPC office needs to complete the home study, as opposed to allowing our agency to simply share their report. Unfortunately, this means that all of our work over the past five weeks is for nothing. Even our fingerprinting will have to be done again.

It would be very easy to get angry and throw myself a pity party. Actually, I really wanted to do that. In my head, I have a hundred reasons to say "poor me." Some may even agree that I have just cause to respond based on my emotions. What I have to remember is anger and self-pity will not change our circumstances. Throwing a fit or allowing myself to fall into a depression will not get our home study done. We have decided to just move forward and do what is necessary to bring Alex home. From the beginning, we've told people that we would do anything to bring him into our family. Well, this is our chance to prove that. Don't get me wrong; I am frustrated by how things have gone. I have just resolved to handle it differently than I've handled some things in the past.

I firmly believe that God is at work in this. While that may sound cheesy or cliche, I really hope you can hear (or read) the sincerity behind it. One day, I hope to look back and recognize exactly why things happened this way. We had frustrations in our journey to adopt CJ, and now we understand why certain things happened. Had we moved any faster or slower, we may not have been matched with Brooke. In the grand scheme of things, an extra couple of weeks is just a small blip in our life story.

One silver lining is the cost. If this turns into an adoption, there will be very little cost to us. While we would pay almost anything to make this happen, it is awesome to think that we can use those funds to benefit our family in other ways.

This morning, I submitted our application to be a foster family. We're waiting to get an appointment for our fingerprinting (most likely this weekend). We'll need to take a training course and have them come to our house for a visit. Unfortunately, the class is full right now, so we're on the waiting list. Being that our case is a little unique, I'm hopeful that they will find a way to get us in. We have to complete this process in 60 days.

Your continued prayers are appreciated!

Can't We Catch A Break??

Maybe it's because Alex has already arrived, or maybe I'm just not a patient person, but I am starting to feel like roadblocks keep popping up. It's really hard to know that he is cuddling up in a foster parent's arms, when I feel like he should be in mine. I understand that there are steps and policies that need to be followed, but it does not make it any less frustrating.

Last week, we had quite a bit of activity. A social worker from Tucson called me to get working on the ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children) paperwork. We got a few updates on the situation, although there are still a lot of unknowns. A few days after that, our agency sent us a packet of questionnaires that needed to be completed. I'm not sure how we didn't get to this sooner, but it is what it is. In total, there are about 60 questions ranging from our childhood to our marriage to our parenting. They are very similar to the questions we answered during CJ's adoption process. I don't mind answering all of these questions, but we can't schedule any meetings until we submit them. Ugh!

Monday, we received a package from the Clark County ICPC office. We were excited because it was a lot faster than we had expected. When I opened it up, it was a home study packet for their office. As I read through, it was asking us to complete two more packets of information and to schedule our home study appointments and fingerprinting. Odd...we already did fingerprints through the agency, and we are in the middle of the home study process. Thoroughly confused, I called the case worker that was listed in the packet. It turns out, we may need to get our home study done through Clark County. Not the news I was hoping for - we just submitted our payment to the agency two weeks ago. When I explained the situation, the case worker said she would see what could be done. I would hate to think we've wasted that much time and money. We're now waiting to hear back from her. We'd appreciate your prayers that they will accept the home study from our agency.

One thing is for sure, we are a one-of-a-kind situation. There is literally nothing normal about this process. I realize that each adoption is unique, but this is ridiculous. I just have to keep reminding myself that every step we take, and every payment we make, will be well worth it in the end. I truly believe that God is at work in us right now, and that these steps are in place for a reason. I just pray that I can keep a positive attitude about it.

Hurry Up and Wait!

Anyone who has been through, or currently going through, the adoption process knows the concept of "hurry up and wait." It seems like every step of the way, we rush to get things done, only to wait for results. Right now, we are working on our home study so that we can take temporary custody of baby Alex. Thankfully, the agency we are working with will work on expediting the process for us, since little Alex already made his appearance. We've been so rushed to figure things out, that I now feel like I'm not even sure what is next.

Here are the tasks we've been given so far:

1. Fingerprinting - we got this done last Friday (two days after they asked us to get them done). We were pretty excited that NV uses livescan instead of ink & paper). Unfortunately, it can take up to 8 weeks to get the results back. We're hoping that they come back in the shorter end of the spectrum (3-4 weeks).

2. Reference forms - ok, so we didn't get these, but the five fabulous people who offered to be references received them. We picked some good people; most of them have already started working on the answers!

3. Doctors appointments and blood work - we didn't have to have any blood testing done with CJ's adoption, but our current agency does require it. Amazingly enough, I was already able to see a doctor and get the necessary testing done. Matt's appointment is coming up. I was really glad that CJ did not require an appointment or blood work. I just had to submit a form to his pediatrician, who already finished it!

The agency is taking care of all of the background details and waiting for our background checks to come back. We're hopeful that we can begin scheduling in-person interviews next week. If our estimate is correct, we should be able to finish our home study by mid-April.

I have to remind myself that the waiting process can be just as useful as the moments when we are busy. I need to take this time to appreciate the last weeks of having just one child. I can be reading more books. I can try to squeeze in a date or two with Matt, because I doubt many date nights will happen when Alex comes to stay. I get so caught up in the business of life, that I forget to just sit back and appreciate what the Lord has given me. I'm very blessed, and I don't take enough time to simply enjoy life.

Thanks for the continued prayers! We'll keep you posted!

An update...

I have tried so many times to write this post. My first version was outdated when Brooke delivered the baby two weeks earlier than expected. Then, I attempted to update things and just couldn't keep up with the constant changes with the situation. Finally, I just wasn't in the mood to write anything. Now that I'm back to "normal" life, I want to give you an idea of what has been going on in our lives.

In mid-January, we met with Brooke. We were visiting Matt's family, and thought we'd visit her too. It was great catching up, especially hearing about how her pregnancy was going. During our conversation, she shared that she was expecting some hard times ahead, and wondered if we would consider taking temporary custody of the baby until she could get some things in order. We were floored, but wanted to support her as much as possible. We were so grateful that she considered us to help her, but also terrified at the same time.

Baby Alex was due March 14th, so we had a lot of time to get things in order. We consulted with an adoption agency and an attorney to find out how to handle a temporary custody. We prepared things at home as well. CJ was moved into a big boy bed. It was time anyway, and this seemed like a great reason to move him out of the crib. After a few nights of falling out or refusing to stay in bed, I think we've gotten him used to it.

On February 25th, Brooke called me to check in about our plans for the baby's arrival. She felt that the baby was going to come early, and wanted to make sure that we'd be prepared to head down. I told her we'd be ready. I did not realize that we'd hear from her as soon as we did. Two hours later, she called to let me know she was headed to the hospital. I packed (aka - ran around my house frantically trying to find everything I needed for a few days). I was on the road an hour later.

This little guy was ready to come out; she delivered two hours later. I guess I didn't need to rush down anymore. I got into Tucson around midnight and spent that night in Brooke's room. Over the next few days, I spent a lot time hanging out with Brooke and Alex, and waiting to hear how things were going to work with discharge.

I don't know if I was just too tired, or experiencing too many emotions about trying to things in order, but I finally had a breakdown on Thursday. I was overwhelmed and alone, not a great combination. I called Matt in tears, just trying to get my thoughts in order. That afternoon, he booked a flight for him and CJ, and they joined me in Tucson about 10 hours later. While it wasn't planned, we tried to make it fun for CJ. The people at the Ronald McDonald House were so great about keeping him occupied (see my last post about how wonderful they are).

Well, things did not go exactly how we had planned. Without getting into too much detail, it was determined that the baby would need to be placed in foster care until we were able to get some paperwork in order. We were disappointed, but understood. We got home one week later, and will begin the home study process here in Nevada. We'll continue to update the blog to let you know where things are, and when we are finally able to bring Alex to our house.

I'll continue to share how the process is working for us.

RMH Rocks!

*I will post a blog explaining why we're at Ronald McDonald House, but for now, I just want to share what a blessing they are!

I need to give a major shout out to the Ronald McDonald House in Tucson. I've heard stories from families who have stayed at a RMH, and it has always been very positive. Now that I'm one of those families, I just wanted to share what a blessing they have been to us over the past few days.





When the social worker at the hospital mentioned RMH, I didn't think I would qualify because we don't technically have a child in the hospital. She told me that she has set up adoptive families with them when there has been room. Our situation was a little different, but she thought we'd still be eligible. She sent the referral over, and they accepted me (Matt and CJ weren't here yet). I headed over to sign the necessary paperwork and take a tour of the facility.

I literally choked up as she walked me throughout the building, sharing the different amenities offered to families. If you've not been involved with RMH, I'll share some of the amazing features:

*Our room (and meals - breakfast, lunch & dinner) is $15/night. The night before, I had paid $90 for a shady hotel and mediocre breakfast just up the road. In addition to meals, they have two community refrigerators where they store all of the leftovers so that we can snack if we get hungry at random times.

*The room has Tempur-pedic beds, which are very nice! They also stocked the bathroom with every toiletry item we could possibly need.

*In the room, they left a blanket and stuffed animal for kids who stay. Even though we don't have Alex yet, they said we should take an extra for him.

*When we checked in Matt this morning, they took CJ back to the toy room and let him pick out anything he wanted. It was literally a large closet filled with brand new toys. He chose a very large John Deere tractor.



*They have a full play room and outdoor play area for kids, which kept CJ busy all morning.



*They have free laundry machines for us to use as we need.

*The manager came over to us this morning and gave us a box of individually wrapped cracker packages. She said she knew that we'd be in meetings and that we'd have a long drive home and CJ would need some snacks along the way.

*When I asked them about fun family activities in Tucson (since we're here until Monday), they mentioned the children's museum and the zoo. Without hesitation, one of the staff said "Oh, let me get you one of our family passes." While they couldn't find the zoo pass, they gave us a pass for all of us to get into the children's museum.

*Repeatedly, we've been told not to worry about when we're checking out. They've told us a bunch of times that we're welcome to stay as long as needed (although I will be anxious to get home).

I'm sure there are many more examples I could give you, but these stand out. While we've had a hard time accepting that we are deserving of this, it has been such a blessing to not have to worry about some things. It has allowed us to focus on what we need to focus on. They have truly tried to make it feel as close to home as possible. I've already looked up the RMH in Las Vegas, and hope to find ways to help them in the future.

For any adoptive moms reading this - if you are placed with a birth mom that is a good distance from your home, check with your agency/attorney, or the hospital social worker, to see if you can get in at a local RMH. Sometimes you aren't sure of how long you'll need to remain in the area, and it's nice to have your lodging and meals taken care of.

The Responsibility Conundrum

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you know that we have an open adoption. So far, I've been surprised by how easy it has been to maintain that with CJ's birth mom. We don't meet often, but we are always excited to hear from her and look forward to visits when they are scheduled. It is easy to feel good about our relationship when things are good in her life (and ours); I think that is true of any relationship. It is when struggles and turmoil appear that you really have to define things. It may sound harsh, but the biggest question I am currently working through is how much responsibility should I feel toward her?

Right now, we are trying to figure out how to help her through something. As time goes by the situation continues to fester and grow into an even more convoluted problem. Each time we've spoken with her, another layer gets added to the madness. I'm at a point where I just don't know what to do. I see her as family, and I would do just about anything to help my family, but is that appropriate in this scenario?

While the current situation has caused me to evaluate things, I am realizing (as I type) that this is not the first time I've experienced these feelings. Each time that she has shared a hardship with us, an internal struggle develops within me. I want to reach out and provide what she needs to get through the current mess. The trouble is, I don't think that is always the right approach, and it definitely doesn't always help her in the long run. While I want to be sure that her basic needs are met, I cannot bear that burden all the time. But, how much should I offer? I don't know if this is something that other adoptive moms face, but it is driving me crazy.

While we were in the midst of the adoption process, I had a lot of ideas as to what the challenges of an open adoption would be. Not getting along with the birth mom, fearing that she would come to a meeting under the influence of something, bringing a guest to a meeting that we didn't know, worrying that she would try to take off with CJ, and a hundred more just like it. I can honestly say that defining my level of responsibility to the birth mom was not one of the things I had originally worried about.

I've found a few ways to support her recently, but I want to get closer to understanding what our relationship should look like. I know that we have to define that, but I also realize that I probably won't be able to do that without a little help from God. Prayer is going to play an integral role in figuring this out. I'm also hopeful that I can find books or talk with other women who can offer me some starting point.