During class on Tuesday, we talked about transracial adoption (adopting a child of a different race from either adoptive parent). The teacher and an adoptive family shared that people do not always think before asking quetions or making comments. As we started this process, we realized the the child we adopt will most likely be from a different race, and we are just fine with that. I don't think that we considered the fact that not everyone will be ok with it. Not that I really care about other peoples' opinions, but it did get me thinking.
Why is it that people feel comfortable asking very intrusive questions about a child if it appears that he/she was adopted? Those same people would never be that forward with a woman who appears to have a biological baby with her. What is even more puzzling is that these questions/comments are usually only made when the adoptive mom is out with the kids on her own. If the adoptive father is with them, the comments are kept to a minimum. Why is that? Whatever the answer, I wonder how we will react if/when people say things to us. We were taught last night that "Why do you ask?" is a really effective response because it throws people off. I'm glad that I have a prepared response now, because I can't guarantee that I would be very polite if someone was insulting me or my children. Our teacher last night gave examples of questions/comments that adoptive moms have been asked. These are actual examples, not made up:
"Is the father black?" - obviously asked if the mother is not black
"You've been busy!" - if the mother has children of different races
"How much did he/she cost?"
Seriously people?! You don't hear people asking a new mom with a biological baby "How much did that hospital stay run you?" Why do random people feel that they have the right to be so rude with adoptive families? I guess that I will just have to rely on "Why do you ask?" when I encounter such ignorance...unless I can prepare some really sarcastic comebacks in advance. :>)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Relationships and Resources
Last week's class was great because we finally had an opportunity to get to know everyone a little better. Usually, this class is scheduled for the third week of the course, but they had to move things around. I can understand why the class is so helpful early on; it really helped to build some connections within our group. We went around the table, and each couple talked about the path that led them to adoption. It was so interesting to hear how everyone had gotten to this point. It is a little sad that we are coming up on our last class, and haven't really developed any relationships within the group. I have a feeling that we will see these couples again in the future. If nothing else, this process has built relationships with other people we know who are hoping to adopt as well.
I do hope to develop friendships with others who adopt so that we have a support network that understands what we have been through, and what we are going through (especially after we are placed with a child). While everyone's experience is different, it will be nice to have a reference point. I've started reading books about adoption, but they are as stress-inducing as the "What to Expect" type books for pregnancy. As I read them, I have to remember that they are one person's opinion, and often focus on the worst-case scenario. I have gotten some good ideas and information, but I am trying not to put too much stock in them. If anyone knows of any good book about adoption, please let me know.
It is hard to believe that we are already at the end of our classes (tonight is the last one!). It seems like just yesterday that we requested an information packet from the agency. As we complete each step in the process, we get a little more excited. We just keep praying that God gives us patience, and peace, as move a little closer to a placement.
I do hope to develop friendships with others who adopt so that we have a support network that understands what we have been through, and what we are going through (especially after we are placed with a child). While everyone's experience is different, it will be nice to have a reference point. I've started reading books about adoption, but they are as stress-inducing as the "What to Expect" type books for pregnancy. As I read them, I have to remember that they are one person's opinion, and often focus on the worst-case scenario. I have gotten some good ideas and information, but I am trying not to put too much stock in them. If anyone knows of any good book about adoption, please let me know.
It is hard to believe that we are already at the end of our classes (tonight is the last one!). It seems like just yesterday that we requested an information packet from the agency. As we complete each step in the process, we get a little more excited. We just keep praying that God gives us patience, and peace, as move a little closer to a placement.
Monday, February 15, 2010
The Adoptive Family's Perspective
In class last week, we had the opportunity to hear from a birth mother as well as an adoptive family. The counselor who taught the class was a birth mother who placed her son for adoption eight years ago. They also brought in a family who had adopted twice through the agency, and had a third adoption fall through. It was so great to be able to ask questions, and get answers directly from the source. While the teacher was able to provide some insight, the adoptive family was the most helpful for us.
One of the best things their story showed us, was just how different each adoption can be. Their first child was an ideal adoption scenario. They are very close with the birth mother, who is extremely responsible and trustworthy. The whole process went well, and they had a decent amount of time to prepare. The second adoption fell through a few days after they took the baby home from the hospital. The third was very rushed (they received a call and a few hours later, they picked up the baby), and they have no contact with the birth mother. This really showed us that we cannot put too much into the stories of others, because each adoption is unique. It really hit home the idea that we simply need to trust God to help us through our experience.
It was incredible to listen to them. The relationship that they have with the birth mother is very close to what Matt and I would like. She goes to their house for holidays and birthday parties, and they keep the communication open. It is very much like she is part of their extended family. In fact, even the birth mother's extended family and the adoptive family's extended family all get along and know each other. They are so close that she went on vacation with them, and she occasionally babysits for their kids. What a great level of love and trust that they have! We're not real sure about the idea of going on vacation with our birth mother, but we still hope to have that much love and trust.
We also appreciated being able to watch the adoptive family interact. Even though we know that adopted children fit into a family in the same way that a biological child would, we still had some fears and concerns. With this family, you would not have known that the children were adopted, except for the fact that they were a different race. While fears may exist, we know that the children we receive through adoption will our OUR children, and the relationship that we have with them will be similar to any other parent-child relationship. I think observing the family, and listening to them, helped to cement that idea.
We have just two more classes to go! It's hard to believe that we are almost to the end. We are almost done with our paperwork, and are hoping to stick to our end-of-February goal for submitting it. Our home study will follow, although we do not know how long it will take to get that set up. We are still hoping that by the start of summer, our letter will be in the match book for birth mothers to see.
One of the best things their story showed us, was just how different each adoption can be. Their first child was an ideal adoption scenario. They are very close with the birth mother, who is extremely responsible and trustworthy. The whole process went well, and they had a decent amount of time to prepare. The second adoption fell through a few days after they took the baby home from the hospital. The third was very rushed (they received a call and a few hours later, they picked up the baby), and they have no contact with the birth mother. This really showed us that we cannot put too much into the stories of others, because each adoption is unique. It really hit home the idea that we simply need to trust God to help us through our experience.
It was incredible to listen to them. The relationship that they have with the birth mother is very close to what Matt and I would like. She goes to their house for holidays and birthday parties, and they keep the communication open. It is very much like she is part of their extended family. In fact, even the birth mother's extended family and the adoptive family's extended family all get along and know each other. They are so close that she went on vacation with them, and she occasionally babysits for their kids. What a great level of love and trust that they have! We're not real sure about the idea of going on vacation with our birth mother, but we still hope to have that much love and trust.
We also appreciated being able to watch the adoptive family interact. Even though we know that adopted children fit into a family in the same way that a biological child would, we still had some fears and concerns. With this family, you would not have known that the children were adopted, except for the fact that they were a different race. While fears may exist, we know that the children we receive through adoption will our OUR children, and the relationship that we have with them will be similar to any other parent-child relationship. I think observing the family, and listening to them, helped to cement that idea.
We have just two more classes to go! It's hard to believe that we are almost to the end. We are almost done with our paperwork, and are hoping to stick to our end-of-February goal for submitting it. Our home study will follow, although we do not know how long it will take to get that set up. We are still hoping that by the start of summer, our letter will be in the match book for birth mothers to see.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Bonding & Attachment
In preparing ourselves for adoption, we realized that there were going to be different challenges that we may face. I don't think either of us considered that bonding with the baby may be one of those challenges. In my mind, we would pick up the baby from the hospital and then begin our happy lives together. While I am pretty sure we will be a happy little family, it never dawned on us that we may have to be very intentional about developing a relationship with him/her. Our teacher for the week, who also happens to be our Adoption Counselor, said that much of bonding and attachment will occur during the first 2 - 4 weeks after the baby comes home. This made complete sense to us. What surprised us was the suggestion that we avoid contact with people outside of family members during this time.
Wow, that is going to be really hard!. After getting a placement, we're going to be so excited that we would want to show him/her off to everyone. The trouble is that the baby will need to learn that we are his/her caregivers. If too many other people are around, it could slow that process. It is hard to think that he/she may not be comfortable with us for awhile. Sharon shared stories of babies that would arch their back (as if in pain) anytime someone picked them up. They just were not comfortable being held. How hard that must have been for the adoptive parents! Thankfully, that is not something that occurs with all adopted children. She also shared a few examples of ways that we can encourage that attachment (i.e. baby massage). If we did experience any attachment issues, CFCA offers various forms of therapy to help adoptive parents. We're praying that we do not need to utilize that resource, but we are grateful that it is available.
Wow, that is going to be really hard!. After getting a placement, we're going to be so excited that we would want to show him/her off to everyone. The trouble is that the baby will need to learn that we are his/her caregivers. If too many other people are around, it could slow that process. It is hard to think that he/she may not be comfortable with us for awhile. Sharon shared stories of babies that would arch their back (as if in pain) anytime someone picked them up. They just were not comfortable being held. How hard that must have been for the adoptive parents! Thankfully, that is not something that occurs with all adopted children. She also shared a few examples of ways that we can encourage that attachment (i.e. baby massage). If we did experience any attachment issues, CFCA offers various forms of therapy to help adoptive parents. We're praying that we do not need to utilize that resource, but we are grateful that it is available.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Open Adoption
Another great class this week! Tuesday night’s topic was open adoption. When we first started discussing adoption, we felt nervous about the idea of an open adoption. It just seemed like a closed adoption would be so much safer. What happens if the birth family wants the baby back? What happens if our birth family becomes too clingy? What if we just don’t like them? All of these questions and fears were really put to rest this week.
Actually, we are really excited about the prospect of an open adoption. This woman is going to be giving us a tremendous gift, why wouldn’t we want her to be a part of our lives? There is a great deal of research out there that supports the idea that an adopted child benefits greatly from contact with his/her birth family. It makes sense!
CFCA (our agency) has the adoptive family and birth family create a Covenant (Adoption Agreement). This document lays out what both parties are comfortable with, regarding future contact and communication. In reviewing a “standard” Covenant, it sounds like our ideal situation is pretty normal. There are usually four visits per year (birthday, Christmas, and two others) along with monthly or bimonthly phone calls and fairly regular e-mail exchanges. During the first year, the interaction is a lot more frequent, and it will taper off as the child gets older. According to the Pregnancy Counselor who taught the class, many birth families will disappear after the first year or two. They simply want to see that their child is being cared for, and then they are able to move on in their lives. We truly hope that is not the case for us.
It is really funny how we’ve completely changed our views on open vs. closed adoption. I think we would actually be disappointed if they disappeared or showed little interest in getting together. We would like to have a relationship that allows us to invite the birth family to our child’s baptism, sporting events, dance recitals, graduations, etc. This family will become part of our family, and that is pretty cool! We just pray that the birth family is open to having that level of relationship with us.
Actually, we are really excited about the prospect of an open adoption. This woman is going to be giving us a tremendous gift, why wouldn’t we want her to be a part of our lives? There is a great deal of research out there that supports the idea that an adopted child benefits greatly from contact with his/her birth family. It makes sense!
CFCA (our agency) has the adoptive family and birth family create a Covenant (Adoption Agreement). This document lays out what both parties are comfortable with, regarding future contact and communication. In reviewing a “standard” Covenant, it sounds like our ideal situation is pretty normal. There are usually four visits per year (birthday, Christmas, and two others) along with monthly or bimonthly phone calls and fairly regular e-mail exchanges. During the first year, the interaction is a lot more frequent, and it will taper off as the child gets older. According to the Pregnancy Counselor who taught the class, many birth families will disappear after the first year or two. They simply want to see that their child is being cared for, and then they are able to move on in their lives. We truly hope that is not the case for us.
It is really funny how we’ve completely changed our views on open vs. closed adoption. I think we would actually be disappointed if they disappeared or showed little interest in getting together. We would like to have a relationship that allows us to invite the birth family to our child’s baptism, sporting events, dance recitals, graduations, etc. This family will become part of our family, and that is pretty cool! We just pray that the birth family is open to having that level of relationship with us.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Having a Positive Adoption Experience
Our class this week was awesome! We took so much of the discussion to heart; God was really working on us Tuesday night! It helped us to see the process from perspective of the birth family, which we had not considered. The biggest realization that we had was how selfish we had been in our thinking about this process. We were so focused on the impact and feelings that were involved for us, that we forgot that other people are part of this equation.
While I could probably write a lot more about the class, there were a few things in particular that really hit us:
Most adoptive families are jealous of the birth mother because she gets to experience pregnancy, and the bonding that goes along with it. I'll admit that I have experienced those feelings. We were reminded that we are not the only people involved, and that the birth mother will probably be jealous of our ability to raise the child for the rest of his/her life. This whole time, we'd been making it about ourselves, without even considering how our birth mother was going to feel.
A big fear that we have, along with most adoptive families, is that the birth mother will select us and then back out. Obviously, this is a possibility (if we have the right to opt out at any time, why shouldn't she have the same right?). We worried about the sense of loss we would feel if this did happen. How would we handle it? The adoption counselor who led Tuesday night's class reminded us that regardless of how the adoption placement goes, someone will experience a loss. Yes, if the birth mother backs out, we will feel as though we have lost a child. While we knew that she was making a conscious decision to place her baby with an adoptive family, we didn't really consider how great a loss that would be for her. No matter what, someone is going to grieve once the decision is finalized.
I pray that we are always able to keep the birth family at the forefront of our thinking, remembering that they are going to feel a great impact as we move forward. I pray that we can empathize with the birth family and their experience. This process cannot be solely about us. I hope that even if we experience a worst-case scenario, that we can move forward knowing that God is in control and has a wonderful plan for our lives.
While I could probably write a lot more about the class, there were a few things in particular that really hit us:
Most adoptive families are jealous of the birth mother because she gets to experience pregnancy, and the bonding that goes along with it. I'll admit that I have experienced those feelings. We were reminded that we are not the only people involved, and that the birth mother will probably be jealous of our ability to raise the child for the rest of his/her life. This whole time, we'd been making it about ourselves, without even considering how our birth mother was going to feel.
A big fear that we have, along with most adoptive families, is that the birth mother will select us and then back out. Obviously, this is a possibility (if we have the right to opt out at any time, why shouldn't she have the same right?). We worried about the sense of loss we would feel if this did happen. How would we handle it? The adoption counselor who led Tuesday night's class reminded us that regardless of how the adoption placement goes, someone will experience a loss. Yes, if the birth mother backs out, we will feel as though we have lost a child. While we knew that she was making a conscious decision to place her baby with an adoptive family, we didn't really consider how great a loss that would be for her. No matter what, someone is going to grieve once the decision is finalized.
I pray that we are always able to keep the birth family at the forefront of our thinking, remembering that they are going to feel a great impact as we move forward. I pray that we can empathize with the birth family and their experience. This process cannot be solely about us. I hope that even if we experience a worst-case scenario, that we can move forward knowing that God is in control and has a wonderful plan for our lives.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Adoption 101
We attended our first adoption class on Tuesday night. We'll admit that we expected most of it to be repeat information. We have already attended two orientations, hosted by another agency, and a day long conference. How much more information could there possibly be? A lot. We walked through the process, step by step. While we had a basic understanding, we still had a lot of questions.
Do we get to name the baby? How does that work?
How much time will we spend with the birth mother before and after the adoption?
What does an open adoption really look like?
Are there any issues that tend to pop up in the process?
We got all of our questions answered. For most of them, the answer was "it all depends." Each adoption experience is unique, and so there aren't firm answers. The only set answer was about naming the baby. If you're curious...the birth mother will name the baby when he/she is born, and a birth certificate will be generated based on that. Once we go to court to finalize the placement, we are able to change the name and a new birth certificate will be printed with our information on it. Ideally, we can agree up front on a name, so the birth certificate will not change much. We'll see. We already have ideas for names (no, we're not going to share them), so we have a feeling we'll end up needing to changing the certificate.
We were really looking forward to meeting the other couples in the class. Our adoption counselor told us that many of the couples become close friends, and stay in touch long after their adoptions are finalized. Being the first night, I think everyone felt a little nervous and awkward. We're am excited to get to know them better over the next seven weeks. We are definitely the youngest couple in the class. There was one couple that looked close in age, but the rest are at least 5 - 10 years older.
If you have any questions about the process, please let us know. We're very open about it.
As you pray for us, please begin to pray for the birth mother who will eventually select us to parent her child.
Do we get to name the baby? How does that work?
How much time will we spend with the birth mother before and after the adoption?
What does an open adoption really look like?
Are there any issues that tend to pop up in the process?
We got all of our questions answered. For most of them, the answer was "it all depends." Each adoption experience is unique, and so there aren't firm answers. The only set answer was about naming the baby. If you're curious...the birth mother will name the baby when he/she is born, and a birth certificate will be generated based on that. Once we go to court to finalize the placement, we are able to change the name and a new birth certificate will be printed with our information on it. Ideally, we can agree up front on a name, so the birth certificate will not change much. We'll see. We already have ideas for names (no, we're not going to share them), so we have a feeling we'll end up needing to changing the certificate.
We were really looking forward to meeting the other couples in the class. Our adoption counselor told us that many of the couples become close friends, and stay in touch long after their adoptions are finalized. Being the first night, I think everyone felt a little nervous and awkward. We're am excited to get to know them better over the next seven weeks. We are definitely the youngest couple in the class. There was one couple that looked close in age, but the rest are at least 5 - 10 years older.
If you have any questions about the process, please let us know. We're very open about it.
As you pray for us, please begin to pray for the birth mother who will eventually select us to parent her child.
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