On Sunday night we got a call from Matt's Aunt, letting us know that she has a potential birth family for us to connect with. They are a young couple who already have one child at home and are considering considering adoption for the child they are expecting. After hearing a little bit about us, they requested a copy of our match letter.
We immediately got to work writing up a brief "cover letter" to go with our match letter. It's funny how such a simple task became such a tedious process. As with our match letter, we over-analyzed every sentence. What if we sound desperate...what if we sound cheesy...what if they're looking for something else in an adoptive family? Finally, we stopped and realized that it is just a letter. While they may be the family God intended for us to meet, they may not be that family. If they read our letter and decide they are looking for someone else, then at least we realized it early in the process! I don't believe they will just write us off so quickly though.
We rushed to prepare everything so that I could run to the post office during my lunch break on Monday. After all, we wanted to waste no time. I was ready to hand deliver the letter, but that may have come across as desperate. :>) As I drove to work, the DJ on the radio reminded me that it was Columbus day so the USPS was closed. Are you kidding me? After all that, we were going to have to wait another 24 hours to mail the letter. Again, we had to bring some perspective into the situation. The girl is not due tomorrow, so an extra day will not harm anything. Finally, Tuesday arrived and I was able to sneak over to the post office during my lunch. As I sealed up the envelope, I said a little prayer, asking God to bless this situation and to be with the birth family as they read about us. Now...we wait.
Once they have a chance to read our letter, they will decide if they want to make contact with us. We provided them with phone numbers and e-mail addresses, as they had requested. After that, we will take it step by step.
Even if this does not work out for us, it is still comforting to have potential families pop up occasionally. It helps remind us that God is at work in this situation.
For any adoptive-mothers(to-be) out there, I just finished a great book. Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff is a look at her experience as an adoptive mom. It takes you through her entire experience. It is exactly what I had been looking for in a book about adoption. It wasn't cheesy or too clinical. It was simply a story and I loved it.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Not lacking anything...
After my last post, I thought I would come back with a much better attitude and outlook on things. I have to say that just getting it out there helped in a big way. I am so appreciative to those who sent words of encouragement and reinforcement. There was one message in particular that kept popping up in each of my conversations, so I figured that would be a good topic for today.
I need to start appreciating and enjoying what I have now, because life will change significantly when we are placed with a baby. It’s time to take the focus off of what I do not have. Lately, I have really been looking at James 1:2-4. I wrote out the verses in my last posting, but verse four has stuck with me (…so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything). Maybe that is why we are in this waiting period. God is giving us an opportunity to become mature and complete.
I want to use this time to continue preparing for the addition of a child. While I don’t always put a lot of stock in the various books that are out there, that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t read them. I want to keep reading books and articles on parenting and adoption. The more information that I have, the more confident I will feel when the time comes. I know that I’ll never feel completely prepared, but I feel like this is a step in the right direction. While I have the time, it wouldn’t hurt to read up.
Matt and I also need to take advantage of this time that we have together. We know that children are going to change our relationship. That’s not to say it will be a bad change…just a change. Several friends who have recently added to their families, through birth and adoption, have emphasized this point. This doesn’t mean we need to become spontaneous and fly to other countries (although that would be cool). Our friends and family know that spontaneity is not one of our stronger qualities. It merely means that we should enjoy peaceful conversations, hikes around the Valley, going to the movies, and the many other activities that are a little harder with young kids. It’s through these things that our relationship will grow stronger, and make us even better parents.
While that is not a complete list of opportunities, it is a start. We’re going to work on taking advantage of this time that we have, even though we don’t actually know how much time there is. I want to make sure that when we bring our son/daughter home, we know that we are not lacking anything.
I need to start appreciating and enjoying what I have now, because life will change significantly when we are placed with a baby. It’s time to take the focus off of what I do not have. Lately, I have really been looking at James 1:2-4. I wrote out the verses in my last posting, but verse four has stuck with me (…so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything). Maybe that is why we are in this waiting period. God is giving us an opportunity to become mature and complete.
I want to use this time to continue preparing for the addition of a child. While I don’t always put a lot of stock in the various books that are out there, that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t read them. I want to keep reading books and articles on parenting and adoption. The more information that I have, the more confident I will feel when the time comes. I know that I’ll never feel completely prepared, but I feel like this is a step in the right direction. While I have the time, it wouldn’t hurt to read up.
Matt and I also need to take advantage of this time that we have together. We know that children are going to change our relationship. That’s not to say it will be a bad change…just a change. Several friends who have recently added to their families, through birth and adoption, have emphasized this point. This doesn’t mean we need to become spontaneous and fly to other countries (although that would be cool). Our friends and family know that spontaneity is not one of our stronger qualities. It merely means that we should enjoy peaceful conversations, hikes around the Valley, going to the movies, and the many other activities that are a little harder with young kids. It’s through these things that our relationship will grow stronger, and make us even better parents.
While that is not a complete list of opportunities, it is a start. We’re going to work on taking advantage of this time that we have, even though we don’t actually know how much time there is. I want to make sure that when we bring our son/daughter home, we know that we are not lacking anything.
Friday, August 27, 2010
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
For those of you who have talked with me about the adoption process, I think you would say that I have been fairly positive about everything. While I have been able to keep my eyes on the path that I believe God has set before us, not every day is sunshine and roses. The last thing I want is to give people the impression that that whole process has been emotionally easy for me. Given that I had a mini-meltdown this past week, I thought I would use this posting as a time to share the not-so-pretty side of this process.
Please realize that for many of you, this may seem to come out of left field. I don't want you to think that I have been lying about my feelings, or hiding things from you. The adoption process is such an emotional roller coaster, and many of you have talked to me when I've been at my high points. Honestly, I have more positive days than negative, but when the negative ones hit...look out. This posting is a little more emotionally raw than previous ones; it's also a little longer.
One thing I have been struggling with lately is hope. This is a bit silly, given the fact that we have only been in the match book at our agency for one month. Be that as it may, it is still a current struggle for me. While I would love a baby, I have started to doubt whether this is in God's plan for us. I cannot explain why; maybe my stress at work is magnifying my feelings, maybe I'm just really impatient, or maybe my emotions are catching up with me. Whatever the reason, I hate that my attitude goes to such a negative place. I feel defeated because I have let my emotions get the best of me. I feel guilty because is seems as though my faith is being tested. I feel helpless because I truly do not know what else to do at this point...other than to continue falling to my knees in prayer.
I have continued to question how I will know God's plan for my life. I constantly pray for the ability to simply give it all up to Him. I think I have done that, but worry that I am still trying to maintain control. Control...the one thing that I do not have in life, yet the one thing that I am always grasping for. Maybe it is better that I am getting a hardcore lesson in this now because I'm pretty sure that we will lose a great deal of control once little ones join our family. Despite knowing the ultimate benefit in these life lessons, it does not make it any easier to navigate them.
My small group bible study is currently reading through the book of James, and the timing could not have been more perfect. James 1:2-4 reads "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Wow, talk about feeling as though God is speaking directly to you. My goal is to find the joy in these moments, knowing that I am maturing each step of the way. During our study last night, someone said that we need to take the first step after asking God for help. Maybe that is my problem; I've been waiting for an answer instead of making an effort to search for it.
In addition to the small group, God has also blessed me with certain people that He has placed in my life. I have several women who have played a key role in my sanity through this process. Some of them are aware of my appreciation, and others do not even realize (yet) that they have made an impact. I am also blessed with a husband who knows when to listen and what to say in response.
In general, I am very excited about the adoption process. While it was not the path I had in mind originally, I have come to embrace it with both arms. There are so many days that I look forward to - the day when we get the phone call from our agency, the day we meet our birth mother, the day we take our little one home from the hospital, etc. I also look forward to sharing those moments with each of you!
Please realize that for many of you, this may seem to come out of left field. I don't want you to think that I have been lying about my feelings, or hiding things from you. The adoption process is such an emotional roller coaster, and many of you have talked to me when I've been at my high points. Honestly, I have more positive days than negative, but when the negative ones hit...look out. This posting is a little more emotionally raw than previous ones; it's also a little longer.
One thing I have been struggling with lately is hope. This is a bit silly, given the fact that we have only been in the match book at our agency for one month. Be that as it may, it is still a current struggle for me. While I would love a baby, I have started to doubt whether this is in God's plan for us. I cannot explain why; maybe my stress at work is magnifying my feelings, maybe I'm just really impatient, or maybe my emotions are catching up with me. Whatever the reason, I hate that my attitude goes to such a negative place. I feel defeated because I have let my emotions get the best of me. I feel guilty because is seems as though my faith is being tested. I feel helpless because I truly do not know what else to do at this point...other than to continue falling to my knees in prayer.
I have continued to question how I will know God's plan for my life. I constantly pray for the ability to simply give it all up to Him. I think I have done that, but worry that I am still trying to maintain control. Control...the one thing that I do not have in life, yet the one thing that I am always grasping for. Maybe it is better that I am getting a hardcore lesson in this now because I'm pretty sure that we will lose a great deal of control once little ones join our family. Despite knowing the ultimate benefit in these life lessons, it does not make it any easier to navigate them.
My small group bible study is currently reading through the book of James, and the timing could not have been more perfect. James 1:2-4 reads "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Wow, talk about feeling as though God is speaking directly to you. My goal is to find the joy in these moments, knowing that I am maturing each step of the way. During our study last night, someone said that we need to take the first step after asking God for help. Maybe that is my problem; I've been waiting for an answer instead of making an effort to search for it.
In addition to the small group, God has also blessed me with certain people that He has placed in my life. I have several women who have played a key role in my sanity through this process. Some of them are aware of my appreciation, and others do not even realize (yet) that they have made an impact. I am also blessed with a husband who knows when to listen and what to say in response.
In general, I am very excited about the adoption process. While it was not the path I had in mind originally, I have come to embrace it with both arms. There are so many days that I look forward to - the day when we get the phone call from our agency, the day we meet our birth mother, the day we take our little one home from the hospital, etc. I also look forward to sharing those moments with each of you!
Monday, August 9, 2010
A New Perspective
Matt and I have been reading devotions together at night. While they aren't always the best, there was one line from a past reading that has stuck with me.
"Life doesn't seem so difficult when you don't expect it to be so easy."
That really hit me, and I've been thinking about it a lot over the past few days. Why do we expect life to go exactly as planned, especially when we have so many examples that it doesn't always work that way? Now, I am not saying that I expect life to be hard. All I'm saying, is that maybe I didn't have a realistic expectation of how things should go. It is easy to look around and see the couples who had children according to their plan, and assume that it was easy process for them. I think I need to adjust my viewpoint. Instead of focusing on what others have (which may be something I want), I need to realize that God has selected us for this and one day we will understand why. It may not be easy, but it doesn't have to be hard.
We still have no news to share with you. We are in the hardest part of the process...the waiting period. Our letter is in the match book at our agency, as well as on their website. Anytime a potential birth mom goes into the agency, they will see our letter. It is only a matter of time before we are invited to meet with a birth mom. When that happens, I will be sure to let you know.
This week, I am praying for all the couples who are trying to decide if adoption is the right path for them, both birth parents and adoptive parents. For many, this is an easy decision. For others, they will struggle at length before making a decision. I pray that they have the guidance and support that they need, to figure out what path they should follow.
"Life doesn't seem so difficult when you don't expect it to be so easy."
That really hit me, and I've been thinking about it a lot over the past few days. Why do we expect life to go exactly as planned, especially when we have so many examples that it doesn't always work that way? Now, I am not saying that I expect life to be hard. All I'm saying, is that maybe I didn't have a realistic expectation of how things should go. It is easy to look around and see the couples who had children according to their plan, and assume that it was easy process for them. I think I need to adjust my viewpoint. Instead of focusing on what others have (which may be something I want), I need to realize that God has selected us for this and one day we will understand why. It may not be easy, but it doesn't have to be hard.
We still have no news to share with you. We are in the hardest part of the process...the waiting period. Our letter is in the match book at our agency, as well as on their website. Anytime a potential birth mom goes into the agency, they will see our letter. It is only a matter of time before we are invited to meet with a birth mom. When that happens, I will be sure to let you know.
This week, I am praying for all the couples who are trying to decide if adoption is the right path for them, both birth parents and adoptive parents. For many, this is an easy decision. For others, they will struggle at length before making a decision. I pray that they have the guidance and support that they need, to figure out what path they should follow.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Now, we wait
Our final step is complete – I submitted our match letters to the agency today. Now, we wait.
I think the unknown is what scares me the most at this point. Maybe “scares” is not the right word…how about “intimidates.” Being the planner that I am, it is very hard to have so many variables. Our match letter was finished in May, but we kept waiting to submit it. We were nervous to submit it because we had a few leads on potential birth moms. We kept asking “what if we submit and then she calls us?” or “what if we wait and miss out on other opportunities?”
One thing I have learned is that you cannot play the “what if” game when going through the adoption process – it will eat you alive. We have made the mistake of asking the “what if” questions since we started trying to have a baby. There is always something that you are going to be able to second guess. There will always be a million “what if” opportunities. You just have to trust that the path you are on is the correct path.
There is no way of knowing whether we are submitting something at the correct time, or if we are making the right decisions. We constantly pray for God’s guidance as we go through the process, knowing that He will lead us in the right direction.
For those that have been keeping us in their prayers, I would ask that you add a young woman named Krystina to your prayer list. She is pregnant and has considered adoption. It seems like she is having a difficult time figuring out what she should do. I pray every day that she is comfortable with whatever decision she makes, and that she makes that decision based on what is best for her and the child she is carrying.
I think the unknown is what scares me the most at this point. Maybe “scares” is not the right word…how about “intimidates.” Being the planner that I am, it is very hard to have so many variables. Our match letter was finished in May, but we kept waiting to submit it. We were nervous to submit it because we had a few leads on potential birth moms. We kept asking “what if we submit and then she calls us?” or “what if we wait and miss out on other opportunities?”
One thing I have learned is that you cannot play the “what if” game when going through the adoption process – it will eat you alive. We have made the mistake of asking the “what if” questions since we started trying to have a baby. There is always something that you are going to be able to second guess. There will always be a million “what if” opportunities. You just have to trust that the path you are on is the correct path.
There is no way of knowing whether we are submitting something at the correct time, or if we are making the right decisions. We constantly pray for God’s guidance as we go through the process, knowing that He will lead us in the right direction.
For those that have been keeping us in their prayers, I would ask that you add a young woman named Krystina to your prayer list. She is pregnant and has considered adoption. It seems like she is having a difficult time figuring out what she should do. I pray every day that she is comfortable with whatever decision she makes, and that she makes that decision based on what is best for her and the child she is carrying.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Updates
Thanks to everyone who has been praying for us through this process! As I've mentioned before, it is amazing how much we have learned about ourselves, and how much we've gained from this experience.
In a poast posting, I mentioned a young couple in Wisconsin who were considering adoption. They have decided to parent that baby (due in August). Obviously, there is a little disappointment, but this is truly the ideal situation for that child. To be raised by parents who love him/her and who have a strong support system is a perfect scenario. We would ask that you continue to pray for that family, as they will experience a great transition in mid-August.
We will officially submit our match letter to CFCA this week (probably Wednesday). Sharon has informed us that the letter will go online by Thursday at the latest. Many of you have already seen it through this blog, but I'll still post the link once it goes live. At that point, we wait. The Pregnancy Counselors will present our letter to any birth mother who matches our interests.
My goal now, other than to have a high level of patience, is to begin submitting applications for adoption grants. Quite a few organizations offer funding for adoptive parents, so I will be in contact with them to see if we qualify. If nothing else, it will give me something to do so that I don't get to antsy.
We'll keep everyone posted on how things are going. Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers!
In a poast posting, I mentioned a young couple in Wisconsin who were considering adoption. They have decided to parent that baby (due in August). Obviously, there is a little disappointment, but this is truly the ideal situation for that child. To be raised by parents who love him/her and who have a strong support system is a perfect scenario. We would ask that you continue to pray for that family, as they will experience a great transition in mid-August.
We will officially submit our match letter to CFCA this week (probably Wednesday). Sharon has informed us that the letter will go online by Thursday at the latest. Many of you have already seen it through this blog, but I'll still post the link once it goes live. At that point, we wait. The Pregnancy Counselors will present our letter to any birth mother who matches our interests.
My goal now, other than to have a high level of patience, is to begin submitting applications for adoption grants. Quite a few organizations offer funding for adoptive parents, so I will be in contact with them to see if we qualify. If nothing else, it will give me something to do so that I don't get to antsy.
We'll keep everyone posted on how things are going. Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Welcome to Holland
At this point in our adoption journey, we don't have a lot to report. We're waiting for the state to officially certify us, and we're waiting to hear back about a young couple in Wisconsin. In the meantime, I thought I would share a story that was given to us during our adoption class. As you read it, insert "adopted child" where it says "child with a disability." It fits well.
Welcome to Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley
"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not share that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this:
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michaelangelo David. The gondolas of Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"HOLLAND?!!" you say, "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy. I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole group of people you never would have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they're having. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes. That's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned on."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant one.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland."
Welcome to Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley
"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not share that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this:
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michaelangelo David. The gondolas of Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"HOLLAND?!!" you say, "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy. I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole group of people you never would have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they're having. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes. That's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned on."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant one.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland."
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