We had our second post-placement visit today. These aren't usually something I worry about. We really like Sharon, our counselor, so the conversation usually flows pretty well. The visits are really just intended to see how things are going at home, and to find out how we're adjusting to our new life. Questions come up about his eating, sleeping, behavior patterns and our relationship. The visits are every 90 days until the adoption is finalized. God willing, today was our last visit.
It's not that I mind answering questions about life with CJ; at least I know the answers. Today, I felt a little judged. I have been going back and forth with feeling good about going back to work full time. I love my job, and I don't know that I would be good at staying home full time. On the other hand, I have to watch other people raise my son. Thank goodness that Matt is able to be with him during all school breaks or I would probably go crazy.
I should preface this by sharing that CJ goes to three different people during the week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday he goes to an in-home daycare with Denise. Tuesdays he's with Amanda and Thursdays he's with Ashley.
The question came up about daycare during our visit today, and I answered with a certain level of confidence. After all, we like the women who are helping us, and are very comfortable with having CJ stay with them during the day. Sharon shared that they suggest trying to limit how many people are with adopted children so that attachment issues don't arise. Inside, I got really defensive. Outside, I just smiled. That was a dagger through the heart. As if I don't feel bad enough about having him in daycare. I understand the attachment issues that may come up, but I'm pretty sure he knows that Matt and I are different from everyone else.
I know that a lack of confidence is present in a lot of first-time moms, but I think adoption throws another level of craziness into the mix. Not only am I trying to figure out parenting, but I also have to explain myself to someone every 90 days. I also feel a higher level of responsibility because he isn't technically my son yet. I feel as though I have to keep proving myself in order for this to be finalized.
Please don't think Sharon is some horrible person who is looking for problems within our family. She is wonderful and truly cares about CJ's well-being, as well as our sanity. Mother Teresa could ask me the same questions and I would feel equally judged by her.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
I survived!
I am officially a working mom! I made it through my first week back to work after three months. I experienced such a wide variety of feelings throughout the past four days. Monday night, I was a little worried about how I would do. I thought I was ready, but wasn't completely sure. My first two days back, Matt stayed home so I wasn't too concerned. It was great for them to spend so much time together after Matt had been gone for a week with his class. For the remaining two days, CJ spent time with two friends. While Thursday was a little sad for me, I really didn't stress too much. I'm proud to say that in those four days, I probably only checked in on him twice. Not too bad! I really count us blessed to have friends who are willing to offer up so much of their time to help us out. I think that is the reason that I was able to make it through the week. That, and my schedule was crazy. I'm definitely back to work.
On my drive home each day, I have been so tired. My daily schedule now starts earlier, ends later and has a lot more in between. The funny thing is that when I get home, I have a burst of energy because all I want to do is play with the little man. It's so refreshing! That tiredness comes back as soon as CJ goes to bed for the night. While I am able to fall asleep, my quality of sleep has been suffering! Even when I sleep I am still half listening for noises from the baby monitor. Occasionally, he decides to wake up earlier than usual. Take this morning for example, 4am was apparently a great time to wake up. It took almost 45 minutes to get him back to sleep. By the time I laid him down, it was time for me to get up and get ready for work (it was an early day, I don't always get up at 5am). Gone are the days when I can hit the snooze or make up my sleep on the weekend. I just hope my body can adjust quickly!
I'm a little embarrassed to share this, but it's part of my experience so you get to hear about it. Throughout my leave, I would occasionally have nightmares that CJ was in our bed, and that we had rolled over on him. I would wake up pushing Matt out of the way or digging through the covers to find him. Each time, I would be in a panic because I couldn't find him. Each time, Matt would bring me back to reality and explain that the baby was not in our bed. As my first day back approached, the nightmares came more often. On Monday night, I practically pushed Matt out of bed. I'm not really sure why the nightmares started because we don't have him sleep in our bed. These dreams don't help in getting rest because it takes time to calm down again. I'm not sure if these dreams are normal or if other moms have had similar experiences (maybe with a different dream). I don't know what it means but I'm sure I could find an answer online. You know what...I'm not even going to look. My guess is that each new mom goes through something weird at some point, whether they admit it or not. While I'm sure I look foolish during the nightmare, I'll look back at this and laugh. I just hope that they stop soon because I don't know how much longer I want to deal with it. :)
On my drive home each day, I have been so tired. My daily schedule now starts earlier, ends later and has a lot more in between. The funny thing is that when I get home, I have a burst of energy because all I want to do is play with the little man. It's so refreshing! That tiredness comes back as soon as CJ goes to bed for the night. While I am able to fall asleep, my quality of sleep has been suffering! Even when I sleep I am still half listening for noises from the baby monitor. Occasionally, he decides to wake up earlier than usual. Take this morning for example, 4am was apparently a great time to wake up. It took almost 45 minutes to get him back to sleep. By the time I laid him down, it was time for me to get up and get ready for work (it was an early day, I don't always get up at 5am). Gone are the days when I can hit the snooze or make up my sleep on the weekend. I just hope my body can adjust quickly!
I'm a little embarrassed to share this, but it's part of my experience so you get to hear about it. Throughout my leave, I would occasionally have nightmares that CJ was in our bed, and that we had rolled over on him. I would wake up pushing Matt out of the way or digging through the covers to find him. Each time, I would be in a panic because I couldn't find him. Each time, Matt would bring me back to reality and explain that the baby was not in our bed. As my first day back approached, the nightmares came more often. On Monday night, I practically pushed Matt out of bed. I'm not really sure why the nightmares started because we don't have him sleep in our bed. These dreams don't help in getting rest because it takes time to calm down again. I'm not sure if these dreams are normal or if other moms have had similar experiences (maybe with a different dream). I don't know what it means but I'm sure I could find an answer online. You know what...I'm not even going to look. My guess is that each new mom goes through something weird at some point, whether they admit it or not. While I'm sure I look foolish during the nightmare, I'll look back at this and laugh. I just hope that they stop soon because I don't know how much longer I want to deal with it. :)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Hi ho, hi ho, it's back to work I go.
I am trying to decide how I feel about going back to work. My immediate reaction is excitement. While I wouldn't trade my time with CJ for anything, I enjoy my job and have missed it over the past few months. I was so used to working that it was quite a transition for me to stay home. On the other hand, I know how great it would be if I could stay home and spend each day with our little man. I have really enjoyed watching him grow and develop. While it hasn't always been easy, it is an experience like no other. My "proud" moments are vastly different than they are with my job. Examples of new proud moments - waiting it out while he cries before taking a nap, giving him a bath by myself, and learning how to do a lot of things around the house with just one hand. They may seem trivial, but they bring me great joy.
It's been funny to hear people's reactions when I tell them that I plan to go back to working full time. "Oh, you mean you're not staying home?" It's as if my son will develop some horrible condition if I am not the person caring for him. I'll admit that I was very apprehensive at first, until we got our childcare squared away. Now that I know who will be watching him, I feel so much better! I'm excited for him to have so much interaction with other children as he grows up.
I'm sure that I'll be sad the first few days that I am back at work, but I'll get into my routine again. At that point, I'll appreciate my time with him even more. I'll be living for my evenings and weekends. ;) It also helps knowing that in June, Matt will become the stay-at-home parent for two months. Maybe one day we'll be in a position for me to stay home, but for now we're grateful to God that we have great people to help care for him.
It's been funny to hear people's reactions when I tell them that I plan to go back to working full time. "Oh, you mean you're not staying home?" It's as if my son will develop some horrible condition if I am not the person caring for him. I'll admit that I was very apprehensive at first, until we got our childcare squared away. Now that I know who will be watching him, I feel so much better! I'm excited for him to have so much interaction with other children as he grows up.
I'm sure that I'll be sad the first few days that I am back at work, but I'll get into my routine again. At that point, I'll appreciate my time with him even more. I'll be living for my evenings and weekends. ;) It also helps knowing that in June, Matt will become the stay-at-home parent for two months. Maybe one day we'll be in a position for me to stay home, but for now we're grateful to God that we have great people to help care for him.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Prayer for Caleb
This is the prayer, written by Brooke's cousin (Justin) for the Entrustment Ceremony.
Caleb Josiah
May you possess a great name in the earth and Heaven above.
See yourself as you truly are - the salt of the earth and light of the world.
What is desired is that you take hold of all that your Savior, our Lord Jesus Christ, has provided for you. There will be much opposition but you must remember that you fight from a position of victory. Be strong and of very great courage. Obey those God has put over you and inherit His promise of a long life on the earth.
May you have the patience of Job, the faith of Abraham, be a leader like Moses, a warrior like Joshua, with the heart of David, and commitment of Uriah, the wisdom of Solomon, and blessings of Jabez.
Amen.
Caleb Josiah
May you possess a great name in the earth and Heaven above.
See yourself as you truly are - the salt of the earth and light of the world.
What is desired is that you take hold of all that your Savior, our Lord Jesus Christ, has provided for you. There will be much opposition but you must remember that you fight from a position of victory. Be strong and of very great courage. Obey those God has put over you and inherit His promise of a long life on the earth.
May you have the patience of Job, the faith of Abraham, be a leader like Moses, a warrior like Joshua, with the heart of David, and commitment of Uriah, the wisdom of Solomon, and blessings of Jabez.
Amen.
Baptism Weekend - 2/20/2011
Just over a week ago, our little man was baptized into Christ's family. What an awesome day! Actually, the whole weekend was pretty awesome. We had quite a few family and friends come into town for the occasion. It was so cool to watch our family members meet CJ for the first time. While he won't remember this, it will be imprinted in my mind forever (along with the 400 pictures that we all took).
Saturday night, after most of our family had arrived, we went to dinner at a local pizza place. We pretty much took over the dining area and enjoyed time catching up, passing the baby around, and eating delicious pizza. It reminded us a lot of our rehearsal dinner, which was also at a pizza place.
Sunday was amazing! Matt's Grandpa Fischer (who also baptized Matt) performed the baptism. CJ wore the baptismal gown made by my Grandma Fincke, which was worn by me, my dad, my brother and my nephew. The gown confused a few people at church, who commented on how beautiful our daughter was. What are you going to do? I corrected a few people, but I just couldn't correct one of the little old ladies. I'm sure she figured it out when the pastor introduced Caleb Josiah. We packed the church with friends and family, who have supported us throughout this entire process. It was really neat to look out into the congregation and feel so much love. After church, we invited everyone back to our house for a party. While there was very little room to move, it was fun to catch up with everyone. It touched our hearts that so many people were there to support us. One highlight from the party was watching Great-Grandpa Fischer hold little CJ with such a big grin on his face. All in all, it was a very special day!
While having 5 adults and 1 child stay at our house was a little chaotic at times, I was so sad to see everyone go on Tuesday morning. It reminded me how much we want CJ to know his extended family as he grows up. Thank goodness we live in a time with Skype! While it was hard to see everyone go, we look forward to August when we all meet up to celebrate the wedding of my sister Liz.
Saturday night, after most of our family had arrived, we went to dinner at a local pizza place. We pretty much took over the dining area and enjoyed time catching up, passing the baby around, and eating delicious pizza. It reminded us a lot of our rehearsal dinner, which was also at a pizza place.
Sunday was amazing! Matt's Grandpa Fischer (who also baptized Matt) performed the baptism. CJ wore the baptismal gown made by my Grandma Fincke, which was worn by me, my dad, my brother and my nephew. The gown confused a few people at church, who commented on how beautiful our daughter was. What are you going to do? I corrected a few people, but I just couldn't correct one of the little old ladies. I'm sure she figured it out when the pastor introduced Caleb Josiah. We packed the church with friends and family, who have supported us throughout this entire process. It was really neat to look out into the congregation and feel so much love. After church, we invited everyone back to our house for a party. While there was very little room to move, it was fun to catch up with everyone. It touched our hearts that so many people were there to support us. One highlight from the party was watching Great-Grandpa Fischer hold little CJ with such a big grin on his face. All in all, it was a very special day!
While having 5 adults and 1 child stay at our house was a little chaotic at times, I was so sad to see everyone go on Tuesday morning. It reminded me how much we want CJ to know his extended family as he grows up. Thank goodness we live in a time with Skype! While it was hard to see everyone go, we look forward to August when we all meet up to celebrate the wedding of my sister Liz.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Month in Review
As you can imagine, I've learned quite a bit over the past month. It seems like everyday brings a new lesson. Here are ten things I've learned, in no particular order:
1. Showering is optional, unless you are going out in public. There have been days that I just cannot find the time to take a shower. Some of you may be thankful that you haven't seen me in awhile.
2. Figuring out what a baby's cry means is not immediate. It takes time to learn what the baby wants/needs. We still have plenty of times when I have to try four different remedies before CJ stops crying.
3. It's OK to say "Thank you" when someone says "You look great for having a 1 month old!" At first, I would explain that he was adopted, as if to justify how I look. Then, I realized that accepting a compliment never hurt anyone. :)
4. Baby books cannot be trusted. Unless you read them with a grain of salt, you'll only end up feeling bad about how you're raising your child. I decided early on to read these as though I was at a buffet; take what looks good and leave the other stuff behind.
5. Random people are never at a loss for advice, suggestions or criticism.
I've been relatively lucky with this so far, but it is amazing how bold people (read old ladies) can be.
6. People don't know what to expect with an adopted child. It seems like most are surprised that he looks "normal." No, he doesn't have a bunch of warts or a hump on his back. I love hearing people talk about how cute he is, but some really seem like they were expecting to see Quasimoto.
7. Baby farts are always funny. Enough said!
8. The phrase "Nap while he's napping" should actually be "Do whatever you want during nap time." Everyone tells you to take naps when the baby does, but that isn't always possible. I have to be at the point where I literally can't keep my eyes open before I can nap. Matt can confirm that I don't always wake up well from a nap, and CJ really doesn't need to see that side of me yet. When I'm tired, I nap. Otherwise, I get ahead on cleaning, laundry or bottles.
9. Often, what is bothering mommy isn't bothering baby. CJ has had a stuffy nose for about a week. It doesn't seem to be a problem for him; I cringe every time he takes a breath. He also gets frequent hiccups. I feel terrible because his whole body convulses with each hiccup. He just sits there while it happens, acting no differently than when the hiccups are gone.
10. CJ is the most amazing baby ever. At first I thought I was biased, but after a month's worth of observation I realized that this is actually a fact. :)
1. Showering is optional, unless you are going out in public. There have been days that I just cannot find the time to take a shower. Some of you may be thankful that you haven't seen me in awhile.
2. Figuring out what a baby's cry means is not immediate. It takes time to learn what the baby wants/needs. We still have plenty of times when I have to try four different remedies before CJ stops crying.
3. It's OK to say "Thank you" when someone says "You look great for having a 1 month old!" At first, I would explain that he was adopted, as if to justify how I look. Then, I realized that accepting a compliment never hurt anyone. :)
4. Baby books cannot be trusted. Unless you read them with a grain of salt, you'll only end up feeling bad about how you're raising your child. I decided early on to read these as though I was at a buffet; take what looks good and leave the other stuff behind.
5. Random people are never at a loss for advice, suggestions or criticism.
I've been relatively lucky with this so far, but it is amazing how bold people (read old ladies) can be.
6. People don't know what to expect with an adopted child. It seems like most are surprised that he looks "normal." No, he doesn't have a bunch of warts or a hump on his back. I love hearing people talk about how cute he is, but some really seem like they were expecting to see Quasimoto.
7. Baby farts are always funny. Enough said!
8. The phrase "Nap while he's napping" should actually be "Do whatever you want during nap time." Everyone tells you to take naps when the baby does, but that isn't always possible. I have to be at the point where I literally can't keep my eyes open before I can nap. Matt can confirm that I don't always wake up well from a nap, and CJ really doesn't need to see that side of me yet. When I'm tired, I nap. Otherwise, I get ahead on cleaning, laundry or bottles.
9. Often, what is bothering mommy isn't bothering baby. CJ has had a stuffy nose for about a week. It doesn't seem to be a problem for him; I cringe every time he takes a breath. He also gets frequent hiccups. I feel terrible because his whole body convulses with each hiccup. He just sits there while it happens, acting no differently than when the hiccups are gone.
10. CJ is the most amazing baby ever. At first I thought I was biased, but after a month's worth of observation I realized that this is actually a fact. :)
Friday, January 28, 2011
So much to learn!
It's hard to believe that CJ is almost three weeks old. I have not be great about updating this blog, but I'm hoping to get better about posting new stuff.
I don't even know where to begin other than to say that this new life of ours is amazing. I knew that life would change once CJ arrived, but I don't think I was prepared for how much. Don't get me wrong, I love him in a way that I didn't know was possible, but that definitely doesn't mean that it's always been easy.
When we first brought him home, I really felt as though we were babysitting a friend's baby. It didn't feel real. I didn't feel like a mom...whatever that means. Over the past few weeks, I have slowly started to realize this new role. I don't know that I fully feel like a mom, but I know that I am well on my way. It really put my mind at ease when a friend (with a biological baby) told me that she had experienced the same thing. It takes time. We're building a relationship.
One of my first "mom" experiences came during a dr appt. CJ was crying pretty hard while our pediatrician (who is amazing) was examining him. I can't say that I blame him. The room was cold and he was almost naked...I'd be upset if I had to go through that. Anyway, the doctor had tried a few things to calm him, but it wasn't working. I leaned down, touched his head and started talking to him. Within a few seconds, he had stopped crying. Talk about a rush of emotion; it was awesome. Since we're on the topic, I just have to mention how incredibly blessed we are that he is so healthy. We were not sure if he would have any issues, and are extremely relieved that we are in the clear so far. At each of our appts, our doctor has shared her excitement for his continued good health and development. We pray that he continues to stay healthy and strong.
I've always heard people talk about how amazing babies are, and how you marvel at everything they do. I had experienced that a little with my friends' children, but am at a whole different level now. I could literally watch him for hours. I love how his face crinkles up at random times, and how he goes into a milk coma after feedings, and the noise he makes when his sneeze doesn't come out all the way. Matt and I have talked about how excited we are for the day when he smiles at us because he is happy, and not because he has gas. I cherish each moment I have with him, but look forward to when he is able to interact with us more.
I guess I'll end with what I miss the most...sleep. I am learning how to survive on around 5 decent hours of sleep each night. He typically goes about three hours from the start of one feeding, to the start of the next. Between feeding, burping and changing, it takes about 45 minutes per feeding. That means that I get about 2 hours of sleep at a time. Unfortunately, his sleep has become more restless in the past few days, so he is constantly groaning and making little baby noises (which actually sound more like animal noises). I feel worse for Matt because he has to get up each morning for work, so he really needs a good night's rest. We'll get used to it...soon, I hope. :)
As we adjust to our new role as parents, we look forward to showing CJ off to each of you. You have all played an important role in our lives, and in this process. Now that he is here, I am even more grateful for the support that you have given. We have been truly blessed!
I don't even know where to begin other than to say that this new life of ours is amazing. I knew that life would change once CJ arrived, but I don't think I was prepared for how much. Don't get me wrong, I love him in a way that I didn't know was possible, but that definitely doesn't mean that it's always been easy.
When we first brought him home, I really felt as though we were babysitting a friend's baby. It didn't feel real. I didn't feel like a mom...whatever that means. Over the past few weeks, I have slowly started to realize this new role. I don't know that I fully feel like a mom, but I know that I am well on my way. It really put my mind at ease when a friend (with a biological baby) told me that she had experienced the same thing. It takes time. We're building a relationship.
One of my first "mom" experiences came during a dr appt. CJ was crying pretty hard while our pediatrician (who is amazing) was examining him. I can't say that I blame him. The room was cold and he was almost naked...I'd be upset if I had to go through that. Anyway, the doctor had tried a few things to calm him, but it wasn't working. I leaned down, touched his head and started talking to him. Within a few seconds, he had stopped crying. Talk about a rush of emotion; it was awesome. Since we're on the topic, I just have to mention how incredibly blessed we are that he is so healthy. We were not sure if he would have any issues, and are extremely relieved that we are in the clear so far. At each of our appts, our doctor has shared her excitement for his continued good health and development. We pray that he continues to stay healthy and strong.
I've always heard people talk about how amazing babies are, and how you marvel at everything they do. I had experienced that a little with my friends' children, but am at a whole different level now. I could literally watch him for hours. I love how his face crinkles up at random times, and how he goes into a milk coma after feedings, and the noise he makes when his sneeze doesn't come out all the way. Matt and I have talked about how excited we are for the day when he smiles at us because he is happy, and not because he has gas. I cherish each moment I have with him, but look forward to when he is able to interact with us more.
I guess I'll end with what I miss the most...sleep. I am learning how to survive on around 5 decent hours of sleep each night. He typically goes about three hours from the start of one feeding, to the start of the next. Between feeding, burping and changing, it takes about 45 minutes per feeding. That means that I get about 2 hours of sleep at a time. Unfortunately, his sleep has become more restless in the past few days, so he is constantly groaning and making little baby noises (which actually sound more like animal noises). I feel worse for Matt because he has to get up each morning for work, so he really needs a good night's rest. We'll get used to it...soon, I hope. :)
As we adjust to our new role as parents, we look forward to showing CJ off to each of you. You have all played an important role in our lives, and in this process. Now that he is here, I am even more grateful for the support that you have given. We have been truly blessed!
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