Mommy Guilt

Definition - feeling like crap because of something that you may or may not have had control over, that involves your kids(s).

This morning, I had to take my little CJ to the ER because he smashed his face at the playground, knocking out his front tooth. He had been trying to climb a ladder with a cracker in his hand and slipped. Honestly, he was more upset about losing the cracker than losing the tooth. Even so, talk about a Mommy guilt moment! In the moment, I would like to think that I held it together. It is easier to hold it together when you have an audience observing the chaos. As soon as we got home from the ER and I had a chance to process everything, I lost it.

Let me begin by saying that I've had Mommy guilt in the past. Working full-time stirred up plenty of guilty feelings (even though I know that was the best option for our family). The moments when I lose it and yell at CJ also open the flood gates of guilt. I'm sure I have a lot more examples. While I've experienced it before, nothing prepared me for the guilt that I felt today.

Once we knew that CJ was fine, my brain automatically turned against me and started the "what if" game. What if I had made him sit down while he finished his snack? What if I was on the equipment with him (implying that I could have prevented the fall)? What if we didn't go to the park today? And the list goes on.

What I wasn't thinking about were the other "what ifs." What if he had bit through his lip? What if he had gotten a concussion? What if I had walked to the park, instead of driving? Ahhh, that makes me feel a little better. This could definitely have been a much worse scenario.

Why is it so easy for us, as moms (and probably dads too), to blame ourselves when things happen to our children? I wish I had an answer. The best I can say is that we love them and don't want to see them suffer. I have worked all day to stop thinking about it, which is a little difficult because my son's smile is a constant reminder (see below).

Not even a knocked-out tooth could bring this guy down!

My answer? I prayed. I finally came to the realization that I cannot fix what happened, and that I probably could not have prevented it. With no other options left, I asked God to remove my guilt and allow me to be thankful that it was not worse. While I still feel bad that he had to experience such a bad fall, I do feel a lot more peace about everything. I just wish that I had gone to God first, instead of trying to rely on myself. That sentence could be the beginning a whole other blog post!

Fear of the Unknown

As I look at what the future holds for our family, I find myself a little scared. We've been in this holding pattern for the past three months. Now that the end of the initial process is near, I'm realizing just how comfortable I am where things are. That's not to say that I don't want to bring Alex home. It's just saying that talking about it is one thing, and doing it is another thing. Reality can be scary!

While I am having a hard time defining exactly what I'm thinking and feeling, a few of my fears are:
* Transitioning Alex from Ana's family to our family
* CJ's response to the upcoming changes
* Our feelings toward Alex
* Following the many rules and regulations related to fostering a child
* Preparing ourselves if/when we need to return Alex to Tucson

I had the same feelings when we were in the adoption process. When you work for something for so long, I think it's only natural to experience a little anxiety when you get close to the end. Ultimately, it's just a fear of the unknown, and we have a lot of unknowns in our future right now.

The best I can do is just trust that God has His hand firmly on our family, and will guide us throughout the next year. Your prayers and support definitely help as well.

To give a quick update, we went in for our second set of fingerprints for the licensing department. We're waiting for them to call us to set up the walk-through of our house. Once that is complete, they'll submit our paperwork to Arizona and we'll just wait to be told when we can head down to Tucson. Yesterday, we got some paperwork from the State of Arizona to complete, so I know things are moving forward there.

One Step Closer!!

We are now one step closer to bringing Alex home! On Friday night, we attended our final kinship foster training class. I wish I could say that we ended the class with positive attitudes, but that just wouldn't be true. In fact, I think my blood pressure actually went up during this final session. It was as if the people in our class realized that this was their last chance to share facts about their lives, so they wanted to purge everything. The instructors actually wanted to let us out early, but they could not control the random stories, thoughts and complaints that our classmates had to share. We ended up leaving just 10 minutes early.

The last three weeks, we've talked about discipline, boundaries and the logistics of foster care. I've found little tidbits of helpful info each week, but in general much of what was discussed was also shred in our adoption class. I actually appreciated this last session. I took the class in hopes of learning the rules and regulations, timeline, and logistics of being a foster parent. Well, in all reality I took the class because I had to, but I had decided to use the experience to better understand what we were committing to. This last class finally clarified several questions that we had going into the process.

I have been surprised by some of the differences between foster care and adoption. In the end, I'm glad we had to take the class because I did learn a lot about the requirements needed to be a foster family. I just hope we can remember all those details when we're in the middle of trying to parent two children.

Class or a Counseling Session?

I am really struggling with our kinship foster training classes. After the first class, my attitude wasn't great, but I had high hopes that future classes would be interesting and full of important information. While the information is important, it is also a repeat of what we learned in our infant adoption class. After our second class, this past week, my hopes are pretty much gone.

When you gather any group of 30 people together, you are bound to get a variety of experiences, issues, questions and problems. When those people are all dealing with a very confusing system, irresponsible family members, and a child (or children) they were not prepared to care for, the craziness grows exponentially.

This past Friday, our class spiraled out of control as several people took the opportunity to share (or complain) about what they were dealing with. At first, it appeared that they were just asking questions about the process, but after a few minutes, it became clear that they were looking for a place to vent. Those few minutes turned into a 20 minute discussion. I can sympathize with the confusion surrounding foster care. The problem is that each of our situations is unique, so it is hard to remain engaged in the class when the conversation is irrelevant to me. While we have had a relatively easy process, many of the people in our class are jaded by "the system" and that is apparent as soon as they speak.

Matt and I have been blessed with an incredible support system. I have to remember that not everyone has that. While I may find all of this frustrating, I want to be supportive of the men and women in my class. I have started praying for each of them:
-That they would experience peace in their decision to foster a family member's child.
-That they find answers to their many questions.
-That they locate resources necessary to help them through the process.

I also have a few prayers for myself:
-That I would remain positive about the class; looking for new information in each session.
-That I have patience with those taking the class.
-That I offer support to the people that may not have any outside of the class.

I am in a bible study right now, and as I did my homework today, I was directed to Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." I look forward to seeing the good that God brings through this experience!

Centipedes, Regulations and 17 Amazing Stories

We began our Kinship Foster Training Class this past Friday night. I'll be honest, my attitude has been less than great about attending this class. I can think of a few other ways that I'd rather spend a Friday. However, this is required to bring little Alex home, so I will do what it takes.

Class began with a centipede...yes, a centipede...crawling across my foot. I'm shocked that I didn't freak out. Actually, it was Matt that got a little jumpy. It wasn't until after he killed it that he told me that they can be poisonous. I'm not exaggerating when I say that it was about 3 inches long. Gross! For the remainder of our class time, I was constantly looking down at my feet or trying to find sitting positions that kept my feet in the air.

As we reviewed the class schedule, I quickly realized that much of the information was going to repeat our Infant Adoption Class. Cue the bad attitude again! My goal for the next five weeks is to find something new in every class to make me a better foster parent (and better parent in general). Here are a few nuggets that I gained Friday night...

- Rules and Regulations - this was actually what I wanted from the class, and there are a lot of them! The best info was about the licensing visit, specifically what was going to be required. We learned that we did not purchase the correct fire extinguishers, so I'll have to get new ones. We also learned that we'll have to get a landline phone. We have not had a landline since 2006, but as I've said before, we'll do what we need to do. We also have to buy a fire ladder. While there are many rules and regulations to learn, it is clear that they are all designed to protect the children living in the foster system.

- Resources - there are a crazy number of resources available to foster parents in Clark County. As we reviewed them, I was excited to know that we'd have a lot of support until the court hearing to determine Alex's final placement. Everything from diapers/formula to counseling to summer camps.

- Humbling Stories - We've tried to keep a positive attitude about our entire situation with Alex. Friday night showed us that we have absolutely nothing to complain about. I was in awe as I listened to everyone's stores. The grandmother who took her 7 granddaughters, the 22 year old guy who is taking care of his 1 1/2 year old brother, the couple who now have two nieces and a nephew in addition to three biological children, and the list goes on. It was humbling to hear what some of the people were willing to do. Many of them had little notice that they were being placed. Most of them have to deal with the parents of these children.

I look forward to learning many more things over the month of May. I'm just praying that no more creepy crawlers find their way onto my feet.

Selfish or Healthy?

In classic "me" fashion, I am trying to solve a problem that is not actually a problem yet. I feel like I have an answer, but maybe getting it all out will help.

In late June, we are celebrating our 10th anniversary. We've been talking about this anniversary for a few years now, and had planned a weeklong trip to a beach resort in Cancun. As things picked up with Alex, we realized that a weeklong trip may not be the best idea, especially given that we had no idea how things would go. We agreed to pare it down to a long weekend near Temecula. As we started planning, I was so excited - wine tasting, a morning at the spa, actually being able to sleep in...you get the idea.

Based on what our case manager has shared with me, we should be licensed in mid-June. Our guess is that we'd be able to pick him up shortly thereafter. I suppose I should emphasize the word "guess" in that last sentence. Everything is dependent on the communication between Nevada and Arizona.

Our dilemma is: what happens if we are able to pick him up before our trip? Do we delay pick-up so that we can go on our vacation alone, or do we pick him up as soon as possible and take him along? Being a foster child, we don't think that we would be able to leave him with anyone else. Besides, I'm not going to want to let that little man out of my sight once we bring him home! At the same time, Matt and I really need a chance to go on a trip by ourselves. To be better parents, we need a few moments to relax and renew our energy. I don't think delaying pick-up by a week or so would be the end of the world, especially given that he is living with an amazing family right now.

Now, there is always the chance that we aren't able to pick him up until July anyway, but as you probably already know, I like to overthink life. My philosophy has been to look at the different possible outcomes of a situation so that I don't feel shocked when it actually happens - hoping that one of my guesses is correct.

Ultimately, we'll just figure it out as it comes. Either way, we'll get a weekend in Southern California. :)

Progress!

It's been awhile since I last posted an update, and I can't believe how much I have to share with you.

After submitting our application, we were contacted almost immediately by the ICPC Case Manager. Within the week, we already had an appointment to go get our fingerprints done through the Department of Family Services. Aside from our prints, we had to sign up for a Kinship Foster Care Training Class. When I called, I was told that we would be placed on the waiting list because there were no openings. What a bummer! Being the Type A person I am, I freaked out that we might now meet the deadline of May 27th. Our Case Manager assured me that we would be fine. If our class went longer than the deadline, they would grant us a license contingent on completion of the class. About a week later, they opened up spaces and we signed up. We'll have class every Friday in the month of May, finishing on May 31st!

This past weekend, we went to Phoenix to celebrate Matt's dad's 60th birthday. I contacted a social worker in Tucson to see if there was any chance to visit with Alex. She got me in contact with his foster mom, and we met them on Sunday. It was great to see him, especially for Matt and CJ who had not met him before. He is a sweet little baby! He looks so much healthier than when I last saw him. He has put on almost 4 pounds! His foster mom is amazing. She is clearly taking very good care of him. He is her 18th placement. Talk about commitment!


Matt and CJ, with sweet little Alex.

This morning, we met with our Case Manager for our first home visit. It was a relatively short visit because she has a copy of our Arizona home study which provides a lot of the information she would need. We'll have one more visit after this - a safety walk-through of our house - which will be scheduled as soon as we finish our class. After that, we'll wait to hear from Arizona about picking Alex up! My guess is the 2nd or 3rd week of June.

We look forward to starting our classes on May 3rd, and will keep you posted on all of our progress.