I think a lot of people have some misconceptions of how the adoption process goes. Not necessarily the actual process, but it's impact on the adoptive family (I am not ignoring the experience of the birthmother; I can only speak to my own experience). Over the past few weeks, I've spoken with several friends who are in various stages of the adoption process. I've also seen a few comments in online blogs that made me think. Two of my friends have experienced some pretty big challenges throughout their processes. As I've talked with them about it, I realized that most people have no idea some of the feelings and emotions that adoptive families experience. There are three specific times that come to mind. If you've followed my blog for awhile, then you may have already read some of this.
First, is when we met and got to know Brooke. Most people know that it is a nerve-wracking experience. What you may not realize is that it is exhausting. Throughout the entire first meeting, you are worried about every word that comes out of your mouth. You question everything. After all, you are trying to show someone how great you'll be as a parent without actually saying it. You are certain that one wrong statement will jeopardize your chances. You leave each meeting feeling mentally and emotionally spent. No matter how much you get to know her, you still fear that you'll unintentionally offend her or make her question you ability to care for her child. We may tell you, "we just met a birthmother," but please understand that it goes much deeper than that.
The second is when we were matched with our birthmother. I think most would assume that the pressure is gone because you are already matched. There are no guarantees, and decisions can be changed. Not only did we still feel the need to impress Brooke, but we also had to figure out how to be "expecting parents." No matter how much I wanted to go through the traditional preparations, I was afraid I would jinx myself. The internal conflict was much bigger than I would have guessed. Ultimately, we prepared the nursery about 3 weeks before CJ was born (which was actually very cathartic for me). Several friends offered to host a baby shower for us. While I was excited to experience that rite of passage, I thought we would be judged since nothing was guaranteed. My friends were very convincing, and did host a baby shower for us. Not every adoptive mom is comfortable with preparing in advance (aside from what you absolutely have to have). I know women who bought only essential items and then created a nursery and shopped for baby items once they brought the baby home. If you know a woman who is matched and waiting, please just tell them that they should do whatever they are comfortable with to prepare for the baby's arrival. Don't assume you understand the emotions that we, as adoptive moms, experience. Just allow us to prepare for our child in whatever way makes sense to us.
The third was when CJ was born. Initially, it was very bittersweet. I wanted to be excited because our child had just arrived, but I tried to minimize my feelings because I knew it was one of the hardest days of Brooke's life. It was very hard to hide some of the emotions that I so desperately wanted to let out. Once I figured out how to feel, I realized that I had to wait just a little longer to know for sure that we would be bringing that baby home. We felt very confident that Brooke was going to follow through with her adoption plan, but as I stated before, there are no guarantees. In Arizona, Brooke was not able to sign the Consent to Adoption until 72 hours after CJ was born. It was easily the longest 72 hours of my life. We had already bonded with CJ, and fallen in love with him, so the thought of not bringing him home was terrifying. Please know that when adoptive parents are in the hospital with the baby, the feelings go way beyond happiness. There is sadness, fear, anxiety and much more. Every adoptive family has a different experience, so just be sensitive to that when commenting after the baby arrives.
I write this not to elicit pity from you or make you feel guilty, but to help you understand some of the adoption experience that often does not get shared. I've made it a goal to be completely transparent in our adoption process. I hope that this gives you a little insight into some our private adoption moments.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
30 Facts About Adoption
*I will be adding a new fact each day, during the month of November.
1. The average adoption is completed within two years.
2. The average domestic adoption costs $20,000-$40,000, although the costs vary depending on situation.
3. In 2012, there were 8,668 international adoptions to the United States, which is a 7% decrease from 2011 and a 62% decrease from 2004. (US Department of State)
4. It is estimated that at least 80% of domestic infant adoptions are open adoptions. When we began the adoption process, we were afraid of the idea, but are so thankful that we have kept a relationship with CJ's birthmom.
5. Adopted children make up roughly 2% of the total child population (18 and under).
6. Nearly 40 percent of American adults, or 81.5 million people, have considered adopting a child, according to the National Adoption Attitudes Survey. If just one in 500 of these adults adopted, every waiting child in foster care would have a permanent family.
7. In most states, open adoption agreements are not legally enforceable.
8. Of US adoptions, 38% are private domestic adoptions, 37% are foster care adoptions and 25% are international adoptions (approximately).
9. Many people assume that birthmothers are teens because that is what you often see on TV. The reality is that most are over the age of 18, usually in their 20s.
10. In 2000, the US Census included "adopted son/daughter" as a kinship category for the first time in history.
11. Data for private domestic adoptions is hard to find because states are not legally required to report those numbers.
12. Each state has a different law regarding when birthmothers are able to sign consent to adopt (birthfathers can sign anytime). States vary from "anytime following birth" to "no sooner than 15 days after birth." In many states, the timing is no sooner than 72 hours following birth (as was our case in Arizona).
13. In some states, birth mothers are able to revoke their Consent to Adopt within a certain period of time. That ranges from 3 days to 180 days (Rhode Island). In quite a few states, consent is irrevocable immediately upon signing, which was the case for us in Arizona.
14. The majority of people who adopt through private agencies cite fertility problems as a reason for choosing adoption. This is not the case for the majority of people who adopt through the foster care system.
15. I love my son as much as I would if he were a biological child.
16. With private domestic adoption, it is estimated that over 60% of placements are for children one month of age or younger.
17. The Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children (ICPC) is a uniform law enacted in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and the U.S. Virgin Islands, establishing procedures for interstate adoption placements. It applies only to children who are placed for adoption across state lines, and not to placements with a close adult relative.
18. The number of adoptions in the U.S. reached its highest point in 1970.
19. There are an estimated 3,000 adoption agencies in the United States, public and private.
20. Adoptive or foster parents do qualify for FMLA leave, which may be taken prior to the placement if the parent is required to attend counseling sessions, appear in court, consult with his or her attorney or the birth parent’s representative, submit to a physical examination, or travel to another country to complete an adoption before the actual date of placement. (http://www.dol.gov/whd/regs/compliance/whdfs28f.pdf)
21. In some instances, adoption assistance is available from your state of residence. The US Dept of Health & Human Services has a website that connects adoptive families to information by state (https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adopt_assistance/).
22. Every state, and the District of Columbia, require all prospective adoptive parents to participate in a home study. This process is designed to educate and prepare the adoptive family, determine the fitness of the adoptive family, and allow the social worker to gather information to help in matching them with a birth family.
23. Today is National Adoption Day (the Saturday before Thanksgiving each year). Last year, more than 4500 children were adopted by their forever families on NAD.
24. A few celebrities who were adopted (some were adopted by relatives) - Jamie Foxx, Steve Jobs, Dave Thomas, Snooki, Faith Hill, Jack Nicholson.
25. In 2011, Americans adopted the highest number of children from China, followed by Ethiopia, Russian, South Korea, and Ukraine.
26. The United States adopts more children, not only internationally but also domestically, than the rest of the world combined.
27. To date, all 50 States, the District of Columbia, and Puerto Rico have enacted safe haven legislation. The focus of these laws is protecting newborns. In approximately 12 States and Puerto Rico, infants who are 72 hours old or younger may be relinquished to a designated safe haven. Approximately 19 States accept infants up to 1 month old. Other States specify varying age limits in their statutes.
28. In 1993, the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption was passed. It sets uniform standards for the protection of adopted children.
29 . The first recorded legal adoption in the colonies occurred in 1693 when Governor Sir William Phips of Massachusetts adopted his son.
30. Adoptive parents submit excessive amounts of paperwork, spend endless hours in preparation and spend a great deal of money to bring home a child...and it is completely worth it!
1. The average adoption is completed within two years.
2. The average domestic adoption costs $20,000-$40,000, although the costs vary depending on situation.
3. In 2012, there were 8,668 international adoptions to the United States, which is a 7% decrease from 2011 and a 62% decrease from 2004. (US Department of State)
4. It is estimated that at least 80% of domestic infant adoptions are open adoptions. When we began the adoption process, we were afraid of the idea, but are so thankful that we have kept a relationship with CJ's birthmom.
5. Adopted children make up roughly 2% of the total child population (18 and under).
6. Nearly 40 percent of American adults, or 81.5 million people, have considered adopting a child, according to the National Adoption Attitudes Survey. If just one in 500 of these adults adopted, every waiting child in foster care would have a permanent family.
7. In most states, open adoption agreements are not legally enforceable.
8. Of US adoptions, 38% are private domestic adoptions, 37% are foster care adoptions and 25% are international adoptions (approximately).
9. Many people assume that birthmothers are teens because that is what you often see on TV. The reality is that most are over the age of 18, usually in their 20s.
10. In 2000, the US Census included "adopted son/daughter" as a kinship category for the first time in history.
11. Data for private domestic adoptions is hard to find because states are not legally required to report those numbers.
12. Each state has a different law regarding when birthmothers are able to sign consent to adopt (birthfathers can sign anytime). States vary from "anytime following birth" to "no sooner than 15 days after birth." In many states, the timing is no sooner than 72 hours following birth (as was our case in Arizona).
13. In some states, birth mothers are able to revoke their Consent to Adopt within a certain period of time. That ranges from 3 days to 180 days (Rhode Island). In quite a few states, consent is irrevocable immediately upon signing, which was the case for us in Arizona.
14. The majority of people who adopt through private agencies cite fertility problems as a reason for choosing adoption. This is not the case for the majority of people who adopt through the foster care system.
15. I love my son as much as I would if he were a biological child.
16. With private domestic adoption, it is estimated that over 60% of placements are for children one month of age or younger.
17. The Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children (ICPC) is a uniform law enacted in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and the U.S. Virgin Islands, establishing procedures for interstate adoption placements. It applies only to children who are placed for adoption across state lines, and not to placements with a close adult relative.
18. The number of adoptions in the U.S. reached its highest point in 1970.
19. There are an estimated 3,000 adoption agencies in the United States, public and private.
20. Adoptive or foster parents do qualify for FMLA leave, which may be taken prior to the placement if the parent is required to attend counseling sessions, appear in court, consult with his or her attorney or the birth parent’s representative, submit to a physical examination, or travel to another country to complete an adoption before the actual date of placement. (http://www.dol.gov/whd/regs/compliance/whdfs28f.pdf)
21. In some instances, adoption assistance is available from your state of residence. The US Dept of Health & Human Services has a website that connects adoptive families to information by state (https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adopt_assistance/).
22. Every state, and the District of Columbia, require all prospective adoptive parents to participate in a home study. This process is designed to educate and prepare the adoptive family, determine the fitness of the adoptive family, and allow the social worker to gather information to help in matching them with a birth family.
23. Today is National Adoption Day (the Saturday before Thanksgiving each year). Last year, more than 4500 children were adopted by their forever families on NAD.
24. A few celebrities who were adopted (some were adopted by relatives) - Jamie Foxx, Steve Jobs, Dave Thomas, Snooki, Faith Hill, Jack Nicholson.
25. In 2011, Americans adopted the highest number of children from China, followed by Ethiopia, Russian, South Korea, and Ukraine.
26. The United States adopts more children, not only internationally but also domestically, than the rest of the world combined.
27. To date, all 50 States, the District of Columbia, and Puerto Rico have enacted safe haven legislation. The focus of these laws is protecting newborns. In approximately 12 States and Puerto Rico, infants who are 72 hours old or younger may be relinquished to a designated safe haven. Approximately 19 States accept infants up to 1 month old. Other States specify varying age limits in their statutes.
28. In 1993, the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption was passed. It sets uniform standards for the protection of adopted children.
29 . The first recorded legal adoption in the colonies occurred in 1693 when Governor Sir William Phips of Massachusetts adopted his son.
30. Adoptive parents submit excessive amounts of paperwork, spend endless hours in preparation and spend a great deal of money to bring home a child...and it is completely worth it!
National Adoption Month
November is National Adoption Month. Obviously, this is something that is very near and dear to my heart. Being so blessed through the adoption of our son, I want nothing more than to encourage others consider adoption or those who are going through the process.
Each day this month, I will post a fact about adoption. Despite my research, there is still so much that I can learn. I hope that I can also educate others and dispel any myths that are out there. If you find any neat facts, please leave them as comments!
Each day this month, I will post a fact about adoption. Despite my research, there is still so much that I can learn. I hope that I can also educate others and dispel any myths that are out there. If you find any neat facts, please leave them as comments!
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Happy Adoption Anniversary! (two weeks late)
It's hard to believe that two years have gone by since our adoption finalization. With so many people knowing our story, it is a rare occasion when I come across someone who does not know that CJ is adopted.
Two weeks ago, I was with some friends. We met them last year and see them occasionally, but I wouldn't say that we're close. As we talked, I mentioned something about CJ's half-brother. The look on their faces clearly showed me that they had no idea what I was talking about. As I stammered through an explanation of our situation with Alex, I realized that the look was not because of Alex, it was because they couldn't figure out how CJ had a brother when I didn't have any other children. I explained that CJ was adopted and gave them a brief version of our adoption story. They were blown away; they could not believe that CJ was adopted. We get this a lot. CJ has similar skin and hair color, so I don't think anyone assumes that he is adopted. It's been awhile since I've witnessed someone's shock when they learn our family story.
As strange as this sounds, there are times when I forget CJ is adopted. I don't mean that I see him as a biological child, just that his adoption is not the first thing that comes to mind. That is a big thing for me. Early in his life, I was very aware that he was not a biological child. I felt that I needed to justify decisions, I felt like less of a mom because I didn't experience pregnancy or labor, and I felt that everyone looked at me differently because of his adoption.
The fact that I now don't think about his adoption just shows how much God has changed me over the past two years. I have gained confidence as a mom, I have fully accepted how God wanted to grow our family, and I found support in other adoptive moms.
It is such a good feeling to look at CJ and simply see my son!
Two weeks ago, I was with some friends. We met them last year and see them occasionally, but I wouldn't say that we're close. As we talked, I mentioned something about CJ's half-brother. The look on their faces clearly showed me that they had no idea what I was talking about. As I stammered through an explanation of our situation with Alex, I realized that the look was not because of Alex, it was because they couldn't figure out how CJ had a brother when I didn't have any other children. I explained that CJ was adopted and gave them a brief version of our adoption story. They were blown away; they could not believe that CJ was adopted. We get this a lot. CJ has similar skin and hair color, so I don't think anyone assumes that he is adopted. It's been awhile since I've witnessed someone's shock when they learn our family story.
As strange as this sounds, there are times when I forget CJ is adopted. I don't mean that I see him as a biological child, just that his adoption is not the first thing that comes to mind. That is a big thing for me. Early in his life, I was very aware that he was not a biological child. I felt that I needed to justify decisions, I felt like less of a mom because I didn't experience pregnancy or labor, and I felt that everyone looked at me differently because of his adoption.
The fact that I now don't think about his adoption just shows how much God has changed me over the past two years. I have gained confidence as a mom, I have fully accepted how God wanted to grow our family, and I found support in other adoptive moms.
It is such a good feeling to look at CJ and simply see my son!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Baby Sellers
Not too long ago, I saw a commercial for a Lifetime movie called "Baby Sellers." It's based on real cases of illegal adoption rings. I chose not to watch it because I could not stomach the idea. Being an adoptive parent, I want to believe that everyone involved with adoptions has pure intentions. Sadly, I know that this is not the world we live in. I always assumed that people viewed adoption as a positive, albeit very difficult, experience. You can imagine my shock when I started seeing extremely negative comments toward adoptive parents on various websites/blogs.
Since we started the adoption process, I've visited Adoptive Families Circle to read questions and comments from adoptive parents and birth parents. Typically, everything on the website is very positive, encouraging and informational. One day, I started seeing some very negative posts from one "reader." She consistently put down adoptive parents and implied that we are manipulative, conniving, baby snatchers. I figured that it was a fluke and I happened to find the one person who had a negative experience with adoption. Then, I started pinning various adoption related things on Pinterest. Usually, I don't read the comments people leave on pins, but for some reason I read some of them. Again, I found people who were extremely negative toward adoptive parents.
I couldn't understand. Didn't they realize that I would have done almost anything to have a biological child? Have they not seen the amount of time, effort and money that goes into the process? Are they not aware of the intensely personal home study and background checks that a prospective adoptive parents experiences? I was hurt. I was angry. I was extremely confused. And then I started to think about why someone might post things like that. Maybe she was tricked into placing her baby for adoption. Maybe the adoptive parents that she selected stopped communication despite what had been previously discussed. Maybe she was an adoptee who was not able to find her mother/father because of a shady adoption process.
It still bothers me that people say such nasty things about adoptive parents, but at least I have some ideas on why they might be jaded. I can only hope and pray that we get to a place where the best interest of the child is placed at the forefront. I hope that the men, women and children who have been negatively impacted by adoption find someone to show them a positive scenario.
Since we started the adoption process, I've visited Adoptive Families Circle to read questions and comments from adoptive parents and birth parents. Typically, everything on the website is very positive, encouraging and informational. One day, I started seeing some very negative posts from one "reader." She consistently put down adoptive parents and implied that we are manipulative, conniving, baby snatchers. I figured that it was a fluke and I happened to find the one person who had a negative experience with adoption. Then, I started pinning various adoption related things on Pinterest. Usually, I don't read the comments people leave on pins, but for some reason I read some of them. Again, I found people who were extremely negative toward adoptive parents.
I couldn't understand. Didn't they realize that I would have done almost anything to have a biological child? Have they not seen the amount of time, effort and money that goes into the process? Are they not aware of the intensely personal home study and background checks that a prospective adoptive parents experiences? I was hurt. I was angry. I was extremely confused. And then I started to think about why someone might post things like that. Maybe she was tricked into placing her baby for adoption. Maybe the adoptive parents that she selected stopped communication despite what had been previously discussed. Maybe she was an adoptee who was not able to find her mother/father because of a shady adoption process.
It still bothers me that people say such nasty things about adoptive parents, but at least I have some ideas on why they might be jaded. I can only hope and pray that we get to a place where the best interest of the child is placed at the forefront. I hope that the men, women and children who have been negatively impacted by adoption find someone to show them a positive scenario.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Something To Ponder
How can I feel sad/angry/frustrated about losing something that was never mine to begin with?
Why do we develop such an attachment when we know nothing is guaranteed?
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