This may be my most generic post ever, but there are certain details that are just not mine to share. I want to be respectful of our birthmom, and so I'm not going to share as much as I usually do.
As you may know, we've been in the middle of a very bizarre situation for the past 14 months. We had offered to take temporary custody of CJ's half-brother for a short period of time (at the request of his birthmom). He was born in February 2013 and while I was there just after he was born, we did not end up bringing him home. We went through a variety of bumps, hills, and valleys along the way and ultimately never did get custody.
Last week, we were informed that the state of Arizona has closed our case. This means that we are no longer an option for taking custody of CJ's brother.
Friends and family have asked how we feel about things. I can honestly say that I feel ok with where we are right now. I spoke with CJ's birthmom a few weeks ago, and that conversation helped me to see that she is in a much better place right now. Part of me is still a little disappointed in the time, effort and money that we invested in the process, but I trust that the Lord is still working in this situation.
We are trying to figure out God's plan for us at this point. As we make decisions about our family, I'll let you know. :)
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Friday, February 28, 2014
Too cliche?
An adoption Facebook group posted a question this morning to adoptive parents, and it got me thinking. The question was:
Your child asks you, "Why did you adopt me?" How do you respond?
As I read through the answers, they bothered me a little. With one exception, they were all basically the same. "You had been growing in our hearts." "We needed you in our family." "We prayed and God gave you to us." "We loved you before we knew you, and then you joined our family."
Don't get me wrong, all of those answers are true and from the heart. I just feel like they are a little too cliche. Obviously, when CJ asks me this question, my response will depend on his age. However, I feel like if a child is aware enough to ask the question, they are probably mature enough for a deeper answer. But, how much is too much? At what age do I acknowledge that we are not able to have biological children. When do I share that his birthmom simply wasn't able to care for him?
I think I have some time before CJ really starts asking questions, but it can't hurt to think about it now. As always, my best bet is simply to take it to God. I am already praying that we handle it appropriately when the time comes. I ask God regularly to give us the words and wisdom to help CJ understand his adoption and work through any issues that may arise.
Maybe those answers are too cliche, but maybe there is such a thing as too much information...I just hope I find the right balance when the time comes.
Your child asks you, "Why did you adopt me?" How do you respond?
As I read through the answers, they bothered me a little. With one exception, they were all basically the same. "You had been growing in our hearts." "We needed you in our family." "We prayed and God gave you to us." "We loved you before we knew you, and then you joined our family."
Don't get me wrong, all of those answers are true and from the heart. I just feel like they are a little too cliche. Obviously, when CJ asks me this question, my response will depend on his age. However, I feel like if a child is aware enough to ask the question, they are probably mature enough for a deeper answer. But, how much is too much? At what age do I acknowledge that we are not able to have biological children. When do I share that his birthmom simply wasn't able to care for him?
I think I have some time before CJ really starts asking questions, but it can't hurt to think about it now. As always, my best bet is simply to take it to God. I am already praying that we handle it appropriately when the time comes. I ask God regularly to give us the words and wisdom to help CJ understand his adoption and work through any issues that may arise.
Maybe those answers are too cliche, but maybe there is such a thing as too much information...I just hope I find the right balance when the time comes.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Frustrating Mommy Moments
Lately, CJ's behavior has had a lot of ups and downs. People were not kidding when they warned us that the Terrible 2s are actually the Terrible 3s. My sweet little boy has turned into a lunatic! Despite the fact that Matt and I have tried be consistent in dealing with things, nothing has helped. My frustration level has been at an all-time high. I have spent more time googling things like "how to stop by 3-year old from hitting" than I'd like to admit.
I understand that he is only 3 years old, and he is a boy. His energy level is indescribable. Literally, I sat here for at least 5 minutes trying to think of way to describe it, and I came up empty. If he would focus that energy into positive things, it would be one thing. Reality is that he started becoming aggressive and slightly nasty at times. I know that some of his behavior is age-appropriate. My fear is that if we don't nip this now, it will grow into something worse.
I started talking to friends, researching online and reading parenting books. In a moment of clarity (a RARE moment in my life), I finally spent some time thinking about what I could be doing differently. I realized a few things:
1. I need to pray about this daily, asking God to focus CJ's energy and control my frustration/anger. I cannot rely on my own devices because clearly they were not working. When I start my day with prayer, I feel like I'm automatically starting off on a positive note with CJ.
2. He absolutely needs time each day to run around or ride his bike. When he doesn't have enough exercise, there is a definite change in his behavior and mood. I've made more of an effort to get him outside and I've noticed a change.
3. When I really looked at things, I recognized that my reaction to his behavior has been due to my fear of judgment from other parents. I was afraid people would think less of me as a mother because my son can be a terror sometimes. I think being a stay-at-home mom makes me more sensitive to this because I feel a greater level of responsibility. If I'm with him the majority of the time, naturally it would be my fault if he acts a little nuts sometimes...right? No, but that is how it feels sometimes!
And finally...
4. I cannot control his behavior all the time, but I can always control how I react to his behavior. I used to get so riled up when he would act out. Ok, I'll be honest, I exploded at times. I mean, seriously, how many times should I have to ask him not to rub peanut butter in his hair?! I started to keep my reactions in check, and sure enough, he started changing too. When I stay calm through my frustration, he follows my lead.
The past three days have been great with him! In addition to those four things, I started using a "Good Choices Chart" to reward him for good behavior. It's nothing more than a basic chart with a picture of Mickey Mouse that he gets to put a sticker on, but he loves it. I am also planning to starting using a few essential oils on him to balance him out a bit. Those efforts, combined with a calmer approach to parenting, will hopefully get us successfully through the Terrible 3s. :)
I understand that he is only 3 years old, and he is a boy. His energy level is indescribable. Literally, I sat here for at least 5 minutes trying to think of way to describe it, and I came up empty. If he would focus that energy into positive things, it would be one thing. Reality is that he started becoming aggressive and slightly nasty at times. I know that some of his behavior is age-appropriate. My fear is that if we don't nip this now, it will grow into something worse.
I started talking to friends, researching online and reading parenting books. In a moment of clarity (a RARE moment in my life), I finally spent some time thinking about what I could be doing differently. I realized a few things:
1. I need to pray about this daily, asking God to focus CJ's energy and control my frustration/anger. I cannot rely on my own devices because clearly they were not working. When I start my day with prayer, I feel like I'm automatically starting off on a positive note with CJ.
2. He absolutely needs time each day to run around or ride his bike. When he doesn't have enough exercise, there is a definite change in his behavior and mood. I've made more of an effort to get him outside and I've noticed a change.
3. When I really looked at things, I recognized that my reaction to his behavior has been due to my fear of judgment from other parents. I was afraid people would think less of me as a mother because my son can be a terror sometimes. I think being a stay-at-home mom makes me more sensitive to this because I feel a greater level of responsibility. If I'm with him the majority of the time, naturally it would be my fault if he acts a little nuts sometimes...right? No, but that is how it feels sometimes!
And finally...
4. I cannot control his behavior all the time, but I can always control how I react to his behavior. I used to get so riled up when he would act out. Ok, I'll be honest, I exploded at times. I mean, seriously, how many times should I have to ask him not to rub peanut butter in his hair?! I started to keep my reactions in check, and sure enough, he started changing too. When I stay calm through my frustration, he follows my lead.
The past three days have been great with him! In addition to those four things, I started using a "Good Choices Chart" to reward him for good behavior. It's nothing more than a basic chart with a picture of Mickey Mouse that he gets to put a sticker on, but he loves it. I am also planning to starting using a few essential oils on him to balance him out a bit. Those efforts, combined with a calmer approach to parenting, will hopefully get us successfully through the Terrible 3s. :)
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Adoption Reality Check
I think a lot of people have some misconceptions of how the adoption process goes. Not necessarily the actual process, but it's impact on the adoptive family (I am not ignoring the experience of the birthmother; I can only speak to my own experience). Over the past few weeks, I've spoken with several friends who are in various stages of the adoption process. I've also seen a few comments in online blogs that made me think. Two of my friends have experienced some pretty big challenges throughout their processes. As I've talked with them about it, I realized that most people have no idea some of the feelings and emotions that adoptive families experience. There are three specific times that come to mind. If you've followed my blog for awhile, then you may have already read some of this.
First, is when we met and got to know Brooke. Most people know that it is a nerve-wracking experience. What you may not realize is that it is exhausting. Throughout the entire first meeting, you are worried about every word that comes out of your mouth. You question everything. After all, you are trying to show someone how great you'll be as a parent without actually saying it. You are certain that one wrong statement will jeopardize your chances. You leave each meeting feeling mentally and emotionally spent. No matter how much you get to know her, you still fear that you'll unintentionally offend her or make her question you ability to care for her child. We may tell you, "we just met a birthmother," but please understand that it goes much deeper than that.
The second is when we were matched with our birthmother. I think most would assume that the pressure is gone because you are already matched. There are no guarantees, and decisions can be changed. Not only did we still feel the need to impress Brooke, but we also had to figure out how to be "expecting parents." No matter how much I wanted to go through the traditional preparations, I was afraid I would jinx myself. The internal conflict was much bigger than I would have guessed. Ultimately, we prepared the nursery about 3 weeks before CJ was born (which was actually very cathartic for me). Several friends offered to host a baby shower for us. While I was excited to experience that rite of passage, I thought we would be judged since nothing was guaranteed. My friends were very convincing, and did host a baby shower for us. Not every adoptive mom is comfortable with preparing in advance (aside from what you absolutely have to have). I know women who bought only essential items and then created a nursery and shopped for baby items once they brought the baby home. If you know a woman who is matched and waiting, please just tell them that they should do whatever they are comfortable with to prepare for the baby's arrival. Don't assume you understand the emotions that we, as adoptive moms, experience. Just allow us to prepare for our child in whatever way makes sense to us.
The third was when CJ was born. Initially, it was very bittersweet. I wanted to be excited because our child had just arrived, but I tried to minimize my feelings because I knew it was one of the hardest days of Brooke's life. It was very hard to hide some of the emotions that I so desperately wanted to let out. Once I figured out how to feel, I realized that I had to wait just a little longer to know for sure that we would be bringing that baby home. We felt very confident that Brooke was going to follow through with her adoption plan, but as I stated before, there are no guarantees. In Arizona, Brooke was not able to sign the Consent to Adoption until 72 hours after CJ was born. It was easily the longest 72 hours of my life. We had already bonded with CJ, and fallen in love with him, so the thought of not bringing him home was terrifying. Please know that when adoptive parents are in the hospital with the baby, the feelings go way beyond happiness. There is sadness, fear, anxiety and much more. Every adoptive family has a different experience, so just be sensitive to that when commenting after the baby arrives.
I write this not to elicit pity from you or make you feel guilty, but to help you understand some of the adoption experience that often does not get shared. I've made it a goal to be completely transparent in our adoption process. I hope that this gives you a little insight into some our private adoption moments.
First, is when we met and got to know Brooke. Most people know that it is a nerve-wracking experience. What you may not realize is that it is exhausting. Throughout the entire first meeting, you are worried about every word that comes out of your mouth. You question everything. After all, you are trying to show someone how great you'll be as a parent without actually saying it. You are certain that one wrong statement will jeopardize your chances. You leave each meeting feeling mentally and emotionally spent. No matter how much you get to know her, you still fear that you'll unintentionally offend her or make her question you ability to care for her child. We may tell you, "we just met a birthmother," but please understand that it goes much deeper than that.
The second is when we were matched with our birthmother. I think most would assume that the pressure is gone because you are already matched. There are no guarantees, and decisions can be changed. Not only did we still feel the need to impress Brooke, but we also had to figure out how to be "expecting parents." No matter how much I wanted to go through the traditional preparations, I was afraid I would jinx myself. The internal conflict was much bigger than I would have guessed. Ultimately, we prepared the nursery about 3 weeks before CJ was born (which was actually very cathartic for me). Several friends offered to host a baby shower for us. While I was excited to experience that rite of passage, I thought we would be judged since nothing was guaranteed. My friends were very convincing, and did host a baby shower for us. Not every adoptive mom is comfortable with preparing in advance (aside from what you absolutely have to have). I know women who bought only essential items and then created a nursery and shopped for baby items once they brought the baby home. If you know a woman who is matched and waiting, please just tell them that they should do whatever they are comfortable with to prepare for the baby's arrival. Don't assume you understand the emotions that we, as adoptive moms, experience. Just allow us to prepare for our child in whatever way makes sense to us.
The third was when CJ was born. Initially, it was very bittersweet. I wanted to be excited because our child had just arrived, but I tried to minimize my feelings because I knew it was one of the hardest days of Brooke's life. It was very hard to hide some of the emotions that I so desperately wanted to let out. Once I figured out how to feel, I realized that I had to wait just a little longer to know for sure that we would be bringing that baby home. We felt very confident that Brooke was going to follow through with her adoption plan, but as I stated before, there are no guarantees. In Arizona, Brooke was not able to sign the Consent to Adoption until 72 hours after CJ was born. It was easily the longest 72 hours of my life. We had already bonded with CJ, and fallen in love with him, so the thought of not bringing him home was terrifying. Please know that when adoptive parents are in the hospital with the baby, the feelings go way beyond happiness. There is sadness, fear, anxiety and much more. Every adoptive family has a different experience, so just be sensitive to that when commenting after the baby arrives.
I write this not to elicit pity from you or make you feel guilty, but to help you understand some of the adoption experience that often does not get shared. I've made it a goal to be completely transparent in our adoption process. I hope that this gives you a little insight into some our private adoption moments.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
30 Facts About Adoption
*I will be adding a new fact each day, during the month of November.
1. The average adoption is completed within two years.
2. The average domestic adoption costs $20,000-$40,000, although the costs vary depending on situation.
3. In 2012, there were 8,668 international adoptions to the United States, which is a 7% decrease from 2011 and a 62% decrease from 2004. (US Department of State)
4. It is estimated that at least 80% of domestic infant adoptions are open adoptions. When we began the adoption process, we were afraid of the idea, but are so thankful that we have kept a relationship with CJ's birthmom.
5. Adopted children make up roughly 2% of the total child population (18 and under).
6. Nearly 40 percent of American adults, or 81.5 million people, have considered adopting a child, according to the National Adoption Attitudes Survey. If just one in 500 of these adults adopted, every waiting child in foster care would have a permanent family.
7. In most states, open adoption agreements are not legally enforceable.
8. Of US adoptions, 38% are private domestic adoptions, 37% are foster care adoptions and 25% are international adoptions (approximately).
9. Many people assume that birthmothers are teens because that is what you often see on TV. The reality is that most are over the age of 18, usually in their 20s.
10. In 2000, the US Census included "adopted son/daughter" as a kinship category for the first time in history.
11. Data for private domestic adoptions is hard to find because states are not legally required to report those numbers.
12. Each state has a different law regarding when birthmothers are able to sign consent to adopt (birthfathers can sign anytime). States vary from "anytime following birth" to "no sooner than 15 days after birth." In many states, the timing is no sooner than 72 hours following birth (as was our case in Arizona).
13. In some states, birth mothers are able to revoke their Consent to Adopt within a certain period of time. That ranges from 3 days to 180 days (Rhode Island). In quite a few states, consent is irrevocable immediately upon signing, which was the case for us in Arizona.
14. The majority of people who adopt through private agencies cite fertility problems as a reason for choosing adoption. This is not the case for the majority of people who adopt through the foster care system.
15. I love my son as much as I would if he were a biological child.
16. With private domestic adoption, it is estimated that over 60% of placements are for children one month of age or younger.
17. The Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children (ICPC) is a uniform law enacted in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and the U.S. Virgin Islands, establishing procedures for interstate adoption placements. It applies only to children who are placed for adoption across state lines, and not to placements with a close adult relative.
18. The number of adoptions in the U.S. reached its highest point in 1970.
19. There are an estimated 3,000 adoption agencies in the United States, public and private.
20. Adoptive or foster parents do qualify for FMLA leave, which may be taken prior to the placement if the parent is required to attend counseling sessions, appear in court, consult with his or her attorney or the birth parent’s representative, submit to a physical examination, or travel to another country to complete an adoption before the actual date of placement. (http://www.dol.gov/whd/regs/compliance/whdfs28f.pdf)
21. In some instances, adoption assistance is available from your state of residence. The US Dept of Health & Human Services has a website that connects adoptive families to information by state (https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adopt_assistance/).
22. Every state, and the District of Columbia, require all prospective adoptive parents to participate in a home study. This process is designed to educate and prepare the adoptive family, determine the fitness of the adoptive family, and allow the social worker to gather information to help in matching them with a birth family.
23. Today is National Adoption Day (the Saturday before Thanksgiving each year). Last year, more than 4500 children were adopted by their forever families on NAD.
24. A few celebrities who were adopted (some were adopted by relatives) - Jamie Foxx, Steve Jobs, Dave Thomas, Snooki, Faith Hill, Jack Nicholson.
25. In 2011, Americans adopted the highest number of children from China, followed by Ethiopia, Russian, South Korea, and Ukraine.
26. The United States adopts more children, not only internationally but also domestically, than the rest of the world combined.
27. To date, all 50 States, the District of Columbia, and Puerto Rico have enacted safe haven legislation. The focus of these laws is protecting newborns. In approximately 12 States and Puerto Rico, infants who are 72 hours old or younger may be relinquished to a designated safe haven. Approximately 19 States accept infants up to 1 month old. Other States specify varying age limits in their statutes.
28. In 1993, the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption was passed. It sets uniform standards for the protection of adopted children.
29 . The first recorded legal adoption in the colonies occurred in 1693 when Governor Sir William Phips of Massachusetts adopted his son.
30. Adoptive parents submit excessive amounts of paperwork, spend endless hours in preparation and spend a great deal of money to bring home a child...and it is completely worth it!
1. The average adoption is completed within two years.
2. The average domestic adoption costs $20,000-$40,000, although the costs vary depending on situation.
3. In 2012, there were 8,668 international adoptions to the United States, which is a 7% decrease from 2011 and a 62% decrease from 2004. (US Department of State)
4. It is estimated that at least 80% of domestic infant adoptions are open adoptions. When we began the adoption process, we were afraid of the idea, but are so thankful that we have kept a relationship with CJ's birthmom.
5. Adopted children make up roughly 2% of the total child population (18 and under).
6. Nearly 40 percent of American adults, or 81.5 million people, have considered adopting a child, according to the National Adoption Attitudes Survey. If just one in 500 of these adults adopted, every waiting child in foster care would have a permanent family.
7. In most states, open adoption agreements are not legally enforceable.
8. Of US adoptions, 38% are private domestic adoptions, 37% are foster care adoptions and 25% are international adoptions (approximately).
9. Many people assume that birthmothers are teens because that is what you often see on TV. The reality is that most are over the age of 18, usually in their 20s.
10. In 2000, the US Census included "adopted son/daughter" as a kinship category for the first time in history.
11. Data for private domestic adoptions is hard to find because states are not legally required to report those numbers.
12. Each state has a different law regarding when birthmothers are able to sign consent to adopt (birthfathers can sign anytime). States vary from "anytime following birth" to "no sooner than 15 days after birth." In many states, the timing is no sooner than 72 hours following birth (as was our case in Arizona).
13. In some states, birth mothers are able to revoke their Consent to Adopt within a certain period of time. That ranges from 3 days to 180 days (Rhode Island). In quite a few states, consent is irrevocable immediately upon signing, which was the case for us in Arizona.
14. The majority of people who adopt through private agencies cite fertility problems as a reason for choosing adoption. This is not the case for the majority of people who adopt through the foster care system.
15. I love my son as much as I would if he were a biological child.
16. With private domestic adoption, it is estimated that over 60% of placements are for children one month of age or younger.
17. The Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children (ICPC) is a uniform law enacted in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and the U.S. Virgin Islands, establishing procedures for interstate adoption placements. It applies only to children who are placed for adoption across state lines, and not to placements with a close adult relative.
18. The number of adoptions in the U.S. reached its highest point in 1970.
19. There are an estimated 3,000 adoption agencies in the United States, public and private.
20. Adoptive or foster parents do qualify for FMLA leave, which may be taken prior to the placement if the parent is required to attend counseling sessions, appear in court, consult with his or her attorney or the birth parent’s representative, submit to a physical examination, or travel to another country to complete an adoption before the actual date of placement. (http://www.dol.gov/whd/regs/compliance/whdfs28f.pdf)
21. In some instances, adoption assistance is available from your state of residence. The US Dept of Health & Human Services has a website that connects adoptive families to information by state (https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adopt_assistance/).
22. Every state, and the District of Columbia, require all prospective adoptive parents to participate in a home study. This process is designed to educate and prepare the adoptive family, determine the fitness of the adoptive family, and allow the social worker to gather information to help in matching them with a birth family.
23. Today is National Adoption Day (the Saturday before Thanksgiving each year). Last year, more than 4500 children were adopted by their forever families on NAD.
24. A few celebrities who were adopted (some were adopted by relatives) - Jamie Foxx, Steve Jobs, Dave Thomas, Snooki, Faith Hill, Jack Nicholson.
25. In 2011, Americans adopted the highest number of children from China, followed by Ethiopia, Russian, South Korea, and Ukraine.
26. The United States adopts more children, not only internationally but also domestically, than the rest of the world combined.
27. To date, all 50 States, the District of Columbia, and Puerto Rico have enacted safe haven legislation. The focus of these laws is protecting newborns. In approximately 12 States and Puerto Rico, infants who are 72 hours old or younger may be relinquished to a designated safe haven. Approximately 19 States accept infants up to 1 month old. Other States specify varying age limits in their statutes.
28. In 1993, the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption was passed. It sets uniform standards for the protection of adopted children.
29 . The first recorded legal adoption in the colonies occurred in 1693 when Governor Sir William Phips of Massachusetts adopted his son.
30. Adoptive parents submit excessive amounts of paperwork, spend endless hours in preparation and spend a great deal of money to bring home a child...and it is completely worth it!
National Adoption Month
November is National Adoption Month. Obviously, this is something that is very near and dear to my heart. Being so blessed through the adoption of our son, I want nothing more than to encourage others consider adoption or those who are going through the process.
Each day this month, I will post a fact about adoption. Despite my research, there is still so much that I can learn. I hope that I can also educate others and dispel any myths that are out there. If you find any neat facts, please leave them as comments!
Each day this month, I will post a fact about adoption. Despite my research, there is still so much that I can learn. I hope that I can also educate others and dispel any myths that are out there. If you find any neat facts, please leave them as comments!
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