Last night, I did something that I have not done in a long time. After the girls I watch were picked up, I did nothing but play with CJ until Matt got home from work. Please don't think that I completely ignore CJ in the evening (if you've met him you would know that would be impossible). Typically, I will play with him in brief spurts, in between cleaning up and making dinner. I allow my to-do list to take charge.
I'll admit, at first I did start to clean up a few things around the house. CJ walked over and asked "Mom, do you want to play with me?" I paused for a moment and realized that there will quickly come a time when he stops asking me that question. Despite the house being a little messy and dinner needing to be made, I opted to play.
We went out into the backyard and had a water gun fight. It was awesome! We laughed, screamed, and ran around the backyard soaking wet. For 30 minutes this went on. It was not until Matt got home from work that I realized that I really needed to make dinner because he had to leave soon for bible study.
After dinner, CJ and I took Kiko on a walk and went to the library. We got back from the library and got in his space ship (aka the space between our couches) and flew to McDonalds where he ordered chicken nuggets and a hamburger. After our delicious "dinner," he used ribbons to make me look like a princess and we flew home.
I couldn't have had more fun if I tried!
CJ's behavior has been a bit of an issue lately, but last night, he was great. Over the past few months, I've spent so much time trying to find solutions to his behavior. We've tried everything...or so I thought. Instead of changing CJ, I should have been looking at how to change my own behavior. I firmly believe that kids need time to play by themselves, but I also think that they need focused 1:1 time with mom and/or dad.
I am setting a goal to not be so focused on my to-do list. I want to take advantage of the opportunities to have a water gun fight or take CJ's space ship to McDonalds. I want to ignore the clutter and just have fun!
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Mother's Day
I always experience a bit of sadness on Mother's Day. Don't get me wrong, it is one of the more important holidays in my book. After having so much trouble growing our family, I wasn't shy about telling Matt how important it was to me (hint, hint). I have to give him credit; he has always done well celebrating this day for me.
What saddens is me thinking of all the women who dread this day because they are so desperate to grow their family. The women who are experiencing infertility. The women who have lost children through miscarriage (or after birth). The women who placed their children into forever families through adoption. The women who don't want to go to church because it is another reminder that they have yet to have children. The women who avoid Facebook because of all of us who boast about our children and what a blessing they are.
For these women, I pray. I ask God to give them peace and patience as they wait for God's plan to come to fruition. I beg Him to let them see joy in other aspects of their lives. I pray that they do not give up hope.
I also grow a little sad thinking of Brooke (CJ's birthmom). I wonder if this day affects her. I am curious if she has any regrets. Regardless of whether or not she is parenting her biological children, she is a mother. I spend a good portion of Mother's Day thinking of her each year. Without her, I would not have this very special title. I hope that as CJ grows up, he understands that she is a very important part of his life, even if he does not see her on a regular basis.
Let me end by saying that I am very grateful that God has blessed us with a beautiful, healthy, often crazy little boy. I thank God daily that I was chosen to be his mother. Despite the moments when I want to pull my hair out (or drink large quantities of wine), I am thankful that I can be called "mommy."
What saddens is me thinking of all the women who dread this day because they are so desperate to grow their family. The women who are experiencing infertility. The women who have lost children through miscarriage (or after birth). The women who placed their children into forever families through adoption. The women who don't want to go to church because it is another reminder that they have yet to have children. The women who avoid Facebook because of all of us who boast about our children and what a blessing they are.
For these women, I pray. I ask God to give them peace and patience as they wait for God's plan to come to fruition. I beg Him to let them see joy in other aspects of their lives. I pray that they do not give up hope.
I also grow a little sad thinking of Brooke (CJ's birthmom). I wonder if this day affects her. I am curious if she has any regrets. Regardless of whether or not she is parenting her biological children, she is a mother. I spend a good portion of Mother's Day thinking of her each year. Without her, I would not have this very special title. I hope that as CJ grows up, he understands that she is a very important part of his life, even if he does not see her on a regular basis.
Let me end by saying that I am very grateful that God has blessed us with a beautiful, healthy, often crazy little boy. I thank God daily that I was chosen to be his mother. Despite the moments when I want to pull my hair out (or drink large quantities of wine), I am thankful that I can be called "mommy."
Monday, May 5, 2014
The Power of Community
Over the past few weeks, I've had two good friends deal with very difficult times. In those scary moments, I have been reminded about the power of community. Within hours of each situation, our group of friends had taken care of the basic needs - meals, childcare and lots of prayers. As I've processed what the last two weeks have brought, I've realized that community provides so much more than tangible things.
I think we often downplay the importance of relationships, especially as mothers (and fathers if any guys are reading this). So frequently, we feel that we need to prove ourselves by taking care of everything. We want to put on a strong front and make people believe that we are maintaining complete sanity at all times. The problem is that we can't do that. Literally. We are not capable of handling everything that comes up in our lives by ourselves. Even if we could, would you really want to? That is a lot of pressure!
I find myself completely guilty of trying to be some type of supermom. Unfortunately, I often turn into a super mess in those moments. Why do I feel the need to act like I've got it all together? Usually, it's pretty clear that I do not have things together. Not even a little bit.
My friends remind me that it's ok to be a mess sometimes. They have seen me wear the same thing back-to-back days. They know that when my hair is up it means I haven't washed it in two days. They have seen me lose my cool with CJ. They know that my Type A personality gets in the way more than I'd like to admit. They have seen my house in a complete disarray. Even through all of that, they love me. There is no judgment.
I consider myself blessed that I have such dear friends that I can call on at anytime for any reason. Over the past two years, these women have prayed for me, encouraged me, held me accountable, made me laugh and poured me lots of glasses of wine. :) I hope that each of you has a strong community that you can rely on at all times!
I think we often downplay the importance of relationships, especially as mothers (and fathers if any guys are reading this). So frequently, we feel that we need to prove ourselves by taking care of everything. We want to put on a strong front and make people believe that we are maintaining complete sanity at all times. The problem is that we can't do that. Literally. We are not capable of handling everything that comes up in our lives by ourselves. Even if we could, would you really want to? That is a lot of pressure!
I find myself completely guilty of trying to be some type of supermom. Unfortunately, I often turn into a super mess in those moments. Why do I feel the need to act like I've got it all together? Usually, it's pretty clear that I do not have things together. Not even a little bit.
My friends remind me that it's ok to be a mess sometimes. They have seen me wear the same thing back-to-back days. They know that when my hair is up it means I haven't washed it in two days. They have seen me lose my cool with CJ. They know that my Type A personality gets in the way more than I'd like to admit. They have seen my house in a complete disarray. Even through all of that, they love me. There is no judgment.
I consider myself blessed that I have such dear friends that I can call on at anytime for any reason. Over the past two years, these women have prayed for me, encouraged me, held me accountable, made me laugh and poured me lots of glasses of wine. :) I hope that each of you has a strong community that you can rely on at all times!
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
One door closes...
This may be my most generic post ever, but there are certain details that are just not mine to share. I want to be respectful of our birthmom, and so I'm not going to share as much as I usually do.
As you may know, we've been in the middle of a very bizarre situation for the past 14 months. We had offered to take temporary custody of CJ's half-brother for a short period of time (at the request of his birthmom). He was born in February 2013 and while I was there just after he was born, we did not end up bringing him home. We went through a variety of bumps, hills, and valleys along the way and ultimately never did get custody.
Last week, we were informed that the state of Arizona has closed our case. This means that we are no longer an option for taking custody of CJ's brother.
Friends and family have asked how we feel about things. I can honestly say that I feel ok with where we are right now. I spoke with CJ's birthmom a few weeks ago, and that conversation helped me to see that she is in a much better place right now. Part of me is still a little disappointed in the time, effort and money that we invested in the process, but I trust that the Lord is still working in this situation.
We are trying to figure out God's plan for us at this point. As we make decisions about our family, I'll let you know. :)
As you may know, we've been in the middle of a very bizarre situation for the past 14 months. We had offered to take temporary custody of CJ's half-brother for a short period of time (at the request of his birthmom). He was born in February 2013 and while I was there just after he was born, we did not end up bringing him home. We went through a variety of bumps, hills, and valleys along the way and ultimately never did get custody.
Last week, we were informed that the state of Arizona has closed our case. This means that we are no longer an option for taking custody of CJ's brother.
Friends and family have asked how we feel about things. I can honestly say that I feel ok with where we are right now. I spoke with CJ's birthmom a few weeks ago, and that conversation helped me to see that she is in a much better place right now. Part of me is still a little disappointed in the time, effort and money that we invested in the process, but I trust that the Lord is still working in this situation.
We are trying to figure out God's plan for us at this point. As we make decisions about our family, I'll let you know. :)
Friday, February 28, 2014
Too cliche?
An adoption Facebook group posted a question this morning to adoptive parents, and it got me thinking. The question was:
Your child asks you, "Why did you adopt me?" How do you respond?
As I read through the answers, they bothered me a little. With one exception, they were all basically the same. "You had been growing in our hearts." "We needed you in our family." "We prayed and God gave you to us." "We loved you before we knew you, and then you joined our family."
Don't get me wrong, all of those answers are true and from the heart. I just feel like they are a little too cliche. Obviously, when CJ asks me this question, my response will depend on his age. However, I feel like if a child is aware enough to ask the question, they are probably mature enough for a deeper answer. But, how much is too much? At what age do I acknowledge that we are not able to have biological children. When do I share that his birthmom simply wasn't able to care for him?
I think I have some time before CJ really starts asking questions, but it can't hurt to think about it now. As always, my best bet is simply to take it to God. I am already praying that we handle it appropriately when the time comes. I ask God regularly to give us the words and wisdom to help CJ understand his adoption and work through any issues that may arise.
Maybe those answers are too cliche, but maybe there is such a thing as too much information...I just hope I find the right balance when the time comes.
Your child asks you, "Why did you adopt me?" How do you respond?
As I read through the answers, they bothered me a little. With one exception, they were all basically the same. "You had been growing in our hearts." "We needed you in our family." "We prayed and God gave you to us." "We loved you before we knew you, and then you joined our family."
Don't get me wrong, all of those answers are true and from the heart. I just feel like they are a little too cliche. Obviously, when CJ asks me this question, my response will depend on his age. However, I feel like if a child is aware enough to ask the question, they are probably mature enough for a deeper answer. But, how much is too much? At what age do I acknowledge that we are not able to have biological children. When do I share that his birthmom simply wasn't able to care for him?
I think I have some time before CJ really starts asking questions, but it can't hurt to think about it now. As always, my best bet is simply to take it to God. I am already praying that we handle it appropriately when the time comes. I ask God regularly to give us the words and wisdom to help CJ understand his adoption and work through any issues that may arise.
Maybe those answers are too cliche, but maybe there is such a thing as too much information...I just hope I find the right balance when the time comes.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Frustrating Mommy Moments
Lately, CJ's behavior has had a lot of ups and downs. People were not kidding when they warned us that the Terrible 2s are actually the Terrible 3s. My sweet little boy has turned into a lunatic! Despite the fact that Matt and I have tried be consistent in dealing with things, nothing has helped. My frustration level has been at an all-time high. I have spent more time googling things like "how to stop by 3-year old from hitting" than I'd like to admit.
I understand that he is only 3 years old, and he is a boy. His energy level is indescribable. Literally, I sat here for at least 5 minutes trying to think of way to describe it, and I came up empty. If he would focus that energy into positive things, it would be one thing. Reality is that he started becoming aggressive and slightly nasty at times. I know that some of his behavior is age-appropriate. My fear is that if we don't nip this now, it will grow into something worse.
I started talking to friends, researching online and reading parenting books. In a moment of clarity (a RARE moment in my life), I finally spent some time thinking about what I could be doing differently. I realized a few things:
1. I need to pray about this daily, asking God to focus CJ's energy and control my frustration/anger. I cannot rely on my own devices because clearly they were not working. When I start my day with prayer, I feel like I'm automatically starting off on a positive note with CJ.
2. He absolutely needs time each day to run around or ride his bike. When he doesn't have enough exercise, there is a definite change in his behavior and mood. I've made more of an effort to get him outside and I've noticed a change.
3. When I really looked at things, I recognized that my reaction to his behavior has been due to my fear of judgment from other parents. I was afraid people would think less of me as a mother because my son can be a terror sometimes. I think being a stay-at-home mom makes me more sensitive to this because I feel a greater level of responsibility. If I'm with him the majority of the time, naturally it would be my fault if he acts a little nuts sometimes...right? No, but that is how it feels sometimes!
And finally...
4. I cannot control his behavior all the time, but I can always control how I react to his behavior. I used to get so riled up when he would act out. Ok, I'll be honest, I exploded at times. I mean, seriously, how many times should I have to ask him not to rub peanut butter in his hair?! I started to keep my reactions in check, and sure enough, he started changing too. When I stay calm through my frustration, he follows my lead.
The past three days have been great with him! In addition to those four things, I started using a "Good Choices Chart" to reward him for good behavior. It's nothing more than a basic chart with a picture of Mickey Mouse that he gets to put a sticker on, but he loves it. I am also planning to starting using a few essential oils on him to balance him out a bit. Those efforts, combined with a calmer approach to parenting, will hopefully get us successfully through the Terrible 3s. :)
I understand that he is only 3 years old, and he is a boy. His energy level is indescribable. Literally, I sat here for at least 5 minutes trying to think of way to describe it, and I came up empty. If he would focus that energy into positive things, it would be one thing. Reality is that he started becoming aggressive and slightly nasty at times. I know that some of his behavior is age-appropriate. My fear is that if we don't nip this now, it will grow into something worse.
I started talking to friends, researching online and reading parenting books. In a moment of clarity (a RARE moment in my life), I finally spent some time thinking about what I could be doing differently. I realized a few things:
1. I need to pray about this daily, asking God to focus CJ's energy and control my frustration/anger. I cannot rely on my own devices because clearly they were not working. When I start my day with prayer, I feel like I'm automatically starting off on a positive note with CJ.
2. He absolutely needs time each day to run around or ride his bike. When he doesn't have enough exercise, there is a definite change in his behavior and mood. I've made more of an effort to get him outside and I've noticed a change.
3. When I really looked at things, I recognized that my reaction to his behavior has been due to my fear of judgment from other parents. I was afraid people would think less of me as a mother because my son can be a terror sometimes. I think being a stay-at-home mom makes me more sensitive to this because I feel a greater level of responsibility. If I'm with him the majority of the time, naturally it would be my fault if he acts a little nuts sometimes...right? No, but that is how it feels sometimes!
And finally...
4. I cannot control his behavior all the time, but I can always control how I react to his behavior. I used to get so riled up when he would act out. Ok, I'll be honest, I exploded at times. I mean, seriously, how many times should I have to ask him not to rub peanut butter in his hair?! I started to keep my reactions in check, and sure enough, he started changing too. When I stay calm through my frustration, he follows my lead.
The past three days have been great with him! In addition to those four things, I started using a "Good Choices Chart" to reward him for good behavior. It's nothing more than a basic chart with a picture of Mickey Mouse that he gets to put a sticker on, but he loves it. I am also planning to starting using a few essential oils on him to balance him out a bit. Those efforts, combined with a calmer approach to parenting, will hopefully get us successfully through the Terrible 3s. :)
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Adoption Reality Check
I think a lot of people have some misconceptions of how the adoption process goes. Not necessarily the actual process, but it's impact on the adoptive family (I am not ignoring the experience of the birthmother; I can only speak to my own experience). Over the past few weeks, I've spoken with several friends who are in various stages of the adoption process. I've also seen a few comments in online blogs that made me think. Two of my friends have experienced some pretty big challenges throughout their processes. As I've talked with them about it, I realized that most people have no idea some of the feelings and emotions that adoptive families experience. There are three specific times that come to mind. If you've followed my blog for awhile, then you may have already read some of this.
First, is when we met and got to know Brooke. Most people know that it is a nerve-wracking experience. What you may not realize is that it is exhausting. Throughout the entire first meeting, you are worried about every word that comes out of your mouth. You question everything. After all, you are trying to show someone how great you'll be as a parent without actually saying it. You are certain that one wrong statement will jeopardize your chances. You leave each meeting feeling mentally and emotionally spent. No matter how much you get to know her, you still fear that you'll unintentionally offend her or make her question you ability to care for her child. We may tell you, "we just met a birthmother," but please understand that it goes much deeper than that.
The second is when we were matched with our birthmother. I think most would assume that the pressure is gone because you are already matched. There are no guarantees, and decisions can be changed. Not only did we still feel the need to impress Brooke, but we also had to figure out how to be "expecting parents." No matter how much I wanted to go through the traditional preparations, I was afraid I would jinx myself. The internal conflict was much bigger than I would have guessed. Ultimately, we prepared the nursery about 3 weeks before CJ was born (which was actually very cathartic for me). Several friends offered to host a baby shower for us. While I was excited to experience that rite of passage, I thought we would be judged since nothing was guaranteed. My friends were very convincing, and did host a baby shower for us. Not every adoptive mom is comfortable with preparing in advance (aside from what you absolutely have to have). I know women who bought only essential items and then created a nursery and shopped for baby items once they brought the baby home. If you know a woman who is matched and waiting, please just tell them that they should do whatever they are comfortable with to prepare for the baby's arrival. Don't assume you understand the emotions that we, as adoptive moms, experience. Just allow us to prepare for our child in whatever way makes sense to us.
The third was when CJ was born. Initially, it was very bittersweet. I wanted to be excited because our child had just arrived, but I tried to minimize my feelings because I knew it was one of the hardest days of Brooke's life. It was very hard to hide some of the emotions that I so desperately wanted to let out. Once I figured out how to feel, I realized that I had to wait just a little longer to know for sure that we would be bringing that baby home. We felt very confident that Brooke was going to follow through with her adoption plan, but as I stated before, there are no guarantees. In Arizona, Brooke was not able to sign the Consent to Adoption until 72 hours after CJ was born. It was easily the longest 72 hours of my life. We had already bonded with CJ, and fallen in love with him, so the thought of not bringing him home was terrifying. Please know that when adoptive parents are in the hospital with the baby, the feelings go way beyond happiness. There is sadness, fear, anxiety and much more. Every adoptive family has a different experience, so just be sensitive to that when commenting after the baby arrives.
I write this not to elicit pity from you or make you feel guilty, but to help you understand some of the adoption experience that often does not get shared. I've made it a goal to be completely transparent in our adoption process. I hope that this gives you a little insight into some our private adoption moments.
First, is when we met and got to know Brooke. Most people know that it is a nerve-wracking experience. What you may not realize is that it is exhausting. Throughout the entire first meeting, you are worried about every word that comes out of your mouth. You question everything. After all, you are trying to show someone how great you'll be as a parent without actually saying it. You are certain that one wrong statement will jeopardize your chances. You leave each meeting feeling mentally and emotionally spent. No matter how much you get to know her, you still fear that you'll unintentionally offend her or make her question you ability to care for her child. We may tell you, "we just met a birthmother," but please understand that it goes much deeper than that.
The second is when we were matched with our birthmother. I think most would assume that the pressure is gone because you are already matched. There are no guarantees, and decisions can be changed. Not only did we still feel the need to impress Brooke, but we also had to figure out how to be "expecting parents." No matter how much I wanted to go through the traditional preparations, I was afraid I would jinx myself. The internal conflict was much bigger than I would have guessed. Ultimately, we prepared the nursery about 3 weeks before CJ was born (which was actually very cathartic for me). Several friends offered to host a baby shower for us. While I was excited to experience that rite of passage, I thought we would be judged since nothing was guaranteed. My friends were very convincing, and did host a baby shower for us. Not every adoptive mom is comfortable with preparing in advance (aside from what you absolutely have to have). I know women who bought only essential items and then created a nursery and shopped for baby items once they brought the baby home. If you know a woman who is matched and waiting, please just tell them that they should do whatever they are comfortable with to prepare for the baby's arrival. Don't assume you understand the emotions that we, as adoptive moms, experience. Just allow us to prepare for our child in whatever way makes sense to us.
The third was when CJ was born. Initially, it was very bittersweet. I wanted to be excited because our child had just arrived, but I tried to minimize my feelings because I knew it was one of the hardest days of Brooke's life. It was very hard to hide some of the emotions that I so desperately wanted to let out. Once I figured out how to feel, I realized that I had to wait just a little longer to know for sure that we would be bringing that baby home. We felt very confident that Brooke was going to follow through with her adoption plan, but as I stated before, there are no guarantees. In Arizona, Brooke was not able to sign the Consent to Adoption until 72 hours after CJ was born. It was easily the longest 72 hours of my life. We had already bonded with CJ, and fallen in love with him, so the thought of not bringing him home was terrifying. Please know that when adoptive parents are in the hospital with the baby, the feelings go way beyond happiness. There is sadness, fear, anxiety and much more. Every adoptive family has a different experience, so just be sensitive to that when commenting after the baby arrives.
I write this not to elicit pity from you or make you feel guilty, but to help you understand some of the adoption experience that often does not get shared. I've made it a goal to be completely transparent in our adoption process. I hope that this gives you a little insight into some our private adoption moments.
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