I will be the first to admit that I am parenting 3 challenging boys. I don't pretend like we have it all together. I try not to make excuses for their bad choices. I fully acknowledge that we are a circus most days of the week. There isn't a whole lot I can do about it, aside from laugh...or cry.
When you have a child with severe emotional extremes, you learn to live by the minute because that is how quickly things seem to change.
This morning, as we dropped off CJ, Alex had what can only be described as a volcanic eruption of emotions. I was actually concerned that someone was going to call the police, assuming that I was kidnapping this poor little boy. A mom behind me actually took our her phone and held it up in a way that had me wondering if she was taking a picture or video. Paranoid? Maybe. I am sure it was just coincidental timing. Maybe.
We had a five minute walk back to the car. Let me correct myself...it should have taken 5 minutes. Fourteen minutes later, we pulled up to our van. In those 14 minutes, I walked past 7 or 8 moms who were most likely thinking "gosh, I am glad that isn't my kid." They each gave me a sympathetic half smile; some muttered "hang in there."
It then took an additional 4 minutes to simply get him from the stroller to the van. For being so small, he sure is strong when he wants to be. Last night he "couldn't" open the back door because it was "too heavy." Today, he held onto that stroller with a grip that most could only muster to prevent themselves from falling over the edge of the Grand Canyon.
Once everyone was buckled into their car seats, the stroller was put away, and I was blasting the AC to counteract the incredible amount of sweat I had worked up, we began the 12 minute drive home. 11 minutes of which involved screaming, kicking and being told "you are terrible, mom."
We were almost to our house, when Alex noticed a dog being walked. Just as quickly as the tantrum arrived, it left as he said "oh, I like that little dog." The light switched had been flicked in the other direction. I had survived.
Living by the minute really is all I can do some days. Trust me when I say some of those minutes take hours to live through. Mostly, they fly by. I go minute by minute because that is how Alex does it. Most of the time, there is no future or past with him. He lives in the present. Actions and reactions are immediate. I cannot tell him "when we get home you have a time out" because by that time he will have almost no recollection of why he is in trouble. It can be hard to do this, but it's harder to try to force my preferred parenting style on him. He needs something very different, and it is my job to figure it out and help him through.
One day, we'll look back and laugh at the craziness. Until then, I hope people around us will be understanding and patient as we navigate life minute by minute.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
It's been awhile...
It has been well over a year since I last posted here. What can I say, life is a little nuts with 3 boys!
Over the past few months, life has been challenging. We have had a lot change in a short period, and I felt the need to write about it. I assume very few people read this, so it seems like a safe place to let it all out.
We've known that there would be potential challenges and/or issues for our boys (specifically CJ & Alex) due to their exposure to drugs and alcohol before they were born. We had mentally prepared ourselves for Alex more than CJ because we knew his exposure was greater. I think that is what makes a recent diagnosis for CJ so hard to accept. We weren't prepared for it. He's always seemed to have a little more energy and a little less focus than the average kid, but I didn't anticipate it creating real problems for him.
After a difficult kindergarten year, we decided to have him evaluated, assuming that it was ADHD due to his behaviors. Honestly, I had almost forgotten that he was exposed in utero. When the diagnosis came back, it was directly tied to the substance exposure. I was a little devastated. Ok, a lot devastated. ADHD seemed so much easier to handle. Drug and alcohol exposure causes brain damage. That did not seem easy to handle. The evaluating psychologist gave us a list of things that would help him - occupational therapy, behavioral therapy, meds, play therapy. The list felt super long.
I'll pause here to share that all of this was presented to us 2 weeks before school was to begin. Seriously, for a Type-A, planner like me, this was insanity. I already had it in my head how life was going to look, and now I had to completely change that. Yes, I'm being dramatic, but this is my brain. I can't help it.
We made the decision to retain him in kindergarten to take some of the academic pressure off and give him a little more time to mature. We even attended a meet-up for other kindergarten parents. Just a few days later, we met with the staff at his school to talk about a plan. We realized that the help he needed was not available there, and made the decision to withdraw him and enroll him in a public school for the upcoming year. This would give him the opportunity to get a little extra support and get him back on track.
All the planning in the world did not prepare for the emotions I felt Monday morning.
As I dropped CJ off for his first day of school, I realized that I was struggling with his move to public school more than he was. I took a lot for granted last year. I missed the security of knowing that Matt was on the same campus with him. I was sad that he would no longer have religion and faith built into all of his classes. It had been a safe place. I felt like he was protected. In reality, he is still safe and protected. Yes, he may be exposed to things that he wouldn't have before, but is that so bad? We may have to have certain conversations before I feel ready, but that is ok. I may also be taking a "worst case scenario" mindset.
There are lots of great things that will come this year. He has a male teacher, which I think is amazing! He is excited about not having uniforms (I am not. Uniforms are soooo much easier!). As he told me this morning "every day is free dress day!" He couldn't wait to run around on the grass field, something they didn't have at his last school. I'm not going to lie, the extra funds in the bank account each month helps a little too.
Can I also admit that I am struggling with feelings of failure? My head knows that there is nothing that I could have done to prevent this, but my heart still aches for the challenges that will be coming his way. I am also trying to hold my head up while knowing that people have been talking about us. Guessing the reasons why we withdrew CJ. Making assumptions about him and our family. It hurts. You know what, I can't let that bother me. I'm too freakin' busy to worry about their discussion. I got my own crap to deal with.
Sometimes, we have to admit when our plan is not the best plan for our children. And that is hard. Like, really hard. While I would love to think that private education is the best path for everyone; it's not. He is going to get the resources and support he desperately needs right now. I can't ask for much more than that!
Over the past few months, life has been challenging. We have had a lot change in a short period, and I felt the need to write about it. I assume very few people read this, so it seems like a safe place to let it all out.
We've known that there would be potential challenges and/or issues for our boys (specifically CJ & Alex) due to their exposure to drugs and alcohol before they were born. We had mentally prepared ourselves for Alex more than CJ because we knew his exposure was greater. I think that is what makes a recent diagnosis for CJ so hard to accept. We weren't prepared for it. He's always seemed to have a little more energy and a little less focus than the average kid, but I didn't anticipate it creating real problems for him.
After a difficult kindergarten year, we decided to have him evaluated, assuming that it was ADHD due to his behaviors. Honestly, I had almost forgotten that he was exposed in utero. When the diagnosis came back, it was directly tied to the substance exposure. I was a little devastated. Ok, a lot devastated. ADHD seemed so much easier to handle. Drug and alcohol exposure causes brain damage. That did not seem easy to handle. The evaluating psychologist gave us a list of things that would help him - occupational therapy, behavioral therapy, meds, play therapy. The list felt super long.
I'll pause here to share that all of this was presented to us 2 weeks before school was to begin. Seriously, for a Type-A, planner like me, this was insanity. I already had it in my head how life was going to look, and now I had to completely change that. Yes, I'm being dramatic, but this is my brain. I can't help it.
We made the decision to retain him in kindergarten to take some of the academic pressure off and give him a little more time to mature. We even attended a meet-up for other kindergarten parents. Just a few days later, we met with the staff at his school to talk about a plan. We realized that the help he needed was not available there, and made the decision to withdraw him and enroll him in a public school for the upcoming year. This would give him the opportunity to get a little extra support and get him back on track.
All the planning in the world did not prepare for the emotions I felt Monday morning.
As I dropped CJ off for his first day of school, I realized that I was struggling with his move to public school more than he was. I took a lot for granted last year. I missed the security of knowing that Matt was on the same campus with him. I was sad that he would no longer have religion and faith built into all of his classes. It had been a safe place. I felt like he was protected. In reality, he is still safe and protected. Yes, he may be exposed to things that he wouldn't have before, but is that so bad? We may have to have certain conversations before I feel ready, but that is ok. I may also be taking a "worst case scenario" mindset.
There are lots of great things that will come this year. He has a male teacher, which I think is amazing! He is excited about not having uniforms (I am not. Uniforms are soooo much easier!). As he told me this morning "every day is free dress day!" He couldn't wait to run around on the grass field, something they didn't have at his last school. I'm not going to lie, the extra funds in the bank account each month helps a little too.
Can I also admit that I am struggling with feelings of failure? My head knows that there is nothing that I could have done to prevent this, but my heart still aches for the challenges that will be coming his way. I am also trying to hold my head up while knowing that people have been talking about us. Guessing the reasons why we withdrew CJ. Making assumptions about him and our family. It hurts. You know what, I can't let that bother me. I'm too freakin' busy to worry about their discussion. I got my own crap to deal with.
Sometimes, we have to admit when our plan is not the best plan for our children. And that is hard. Like, really hard. While I would love to think that private education is the best path for everyone; it's not. He is going to get the resources and support he desperately needs right now. I can't ask for much more than that!
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Eggshells
I think I've mentioned before, but we have dealt with some serious anger and behavioral problems with our middle son. I didn't look back to see what I wrote, but I'm guessing I probably downplayed it a bit. We know the cause, or at least part of it, and have gone to counseling in the past to try to help manage the outbursts. Honestly, I thought we were past the worst of it.
We are now on day 4 of a tantrum cycle. It ain't pretty. I live my life walking on eggshells because I am terrified of the next fit.
Let me give you a glimpse into life at our house, so you'll an idea of what is happening:
We are playing a game. I pick up the wrong piece. Tears and screaming. He sits in timeout to compose himself and starts hitting himself. I sit with him to try to help and he yells at me to sit someplace else. I walk away and he yells for me to come sit with him. (20 minutes passes) He calms down and we go back to playing. Snack time comes. I open the granola bar from the "wrong end." Tears and screaming. I set him back in timeout to calm down. He starts hitting his head on the wall, so I put him in his bed to calm down. (20 minutes passes). He comes out, says he's calm and we go back to snack time. Repeat about 15 more times because I have either driven down the wrong street, not acknowledged his dinosaur properly, given him the wrong color spoon or any other totally logical reason to melt down.
It got so bad that I cried at preschool pick up two days ago. He was having a fit about a toy that was taken away. I had to pick up my oldest, so into the school we marched. All eyes were on us because the screams made it sound like he was being attacked. As we approached the door to the classroom, I made eye contact with the teacher and lost it. She took my screamer aside and a friend wrapped me up in a big hug.
I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I can do to help. You know what I realized, my reactions to his temper are a trigger for the larger tantrums. I can hold it together for awhile, but then on the 15th scream, I fall apart. That makes him get a little more upset and together we snowball into complete madness.
Today, I woke up determined to make it better. I promised myself and God that I would do everything in me to remain calm, no matter how tough it got. I decided to take a moment if needed before responding to him, to ensure that I was not the cause of the issue.
This morning, as he started falling apart because I wouldn't let him buy six dinosaurs at Walmart, I took a breath and calmly reminded him that we didn't need to buy any. It took a few minutes, but he eventually realized that I wasn't going to change my mind and he calmed down. Success!! Maybe I can do this!
It's easy to stay calm for a few hours, or even an entire day, but can I do it forever? Probably not. Honestly, it's not reasonable to think that I will always be 100% calm. You know what? As long as I wake up with a good attitude, take a few breaths before I respond to him, and forgive myself when I mess up, I think I'll be ok.
We are now on day 4 of a tantrum cycle. It ain't pretty. I live my life walking on eggshells because I am terrified of the next fit.
Let me give you a glimpse into life at our house, so you'll an idea of what is happening:
We are playing a game. I pick up the wrong piece. Tears and screaming. He sits in timeout to compose himself and starts hitting himself. I sit with him to try to help and he yells at me to sit someplace else. I walk away and he yells for me to come sit with him. (20 minutes passes) He calms down and we go back to playing. Snack time comes. I open the granola bar from the "wrong end." Tears and screaming. I set him back in timeout to calm down. He starts hitting his head on the wall, so I put him in his bed to calm down. (20 minutes passes). He comes out, says he's calm and we go back to snack time. Repeat about 15 more times because I have either driven down the wrong street, not acknowledged his dinosaur properly, given him the wrong color spoon or any other totally logical reason to melt down.
It got so bad that I cried at preschool pick up two days ago. He was having a fit about a toy that was taken away. I had to pick up my oldest, so into the school we marched. All eyes were on us because the screams made it sound like he was being attacked. As we approached the door to the classroom, I made eye contact with the teacher and lost it. She took my screamer aside and a friend wrapped me up in a big hug.
I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I can do to help. You know what I realized, my reactions to his temper are a trigger for the larger tantrums. I can hold it together for awhile, but then on the 15th scream, I fall apart. That makes him get a little more upset and together we snowball into complete madness.
Today, I woke up determined to make it better. I promised myself and God that I would do everything in me to remain calm, no matter how tough it got. I decided to take a moment if needed before responding to him, to ensure that I was not the cause of the issue.
This morning, as he started falling apart because I wouldn't let him buy six dinosaurs at Walmart, I took a breath and calmly reminded him that we didn't need to buy any. It took a few minutes, but he eventually realized that I wasn't going to change my mind and he calmed down. Success!! Maybe I can do this!
It's easy to stay calm for a few hours, or even an entire day, but can I do it forever? Probably not. Honestly, it's not reasonable to think that I will always be 100% calm. You know what? As long as I wake up with a good attitude, take a few breaths before I respond to him, and forgive myself when I mess up, I think I'll be ok.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Dear birth mom...
This past week, Simply Real Moms allowed me to share a letter that I wrote to our birth mom. Honestly, it was one of the harder things I've shared. I'm open about most aspects of our adoption, but I tend to be very protective of my relationship with Brooke. This was definitely one of the more personal things I've written for the website. I get asked so often about having an open adoption. I think the idea scares most people, but after living it for five years, I wouldn't have it any other way.
http://www.simplyrealmoms.com/posts/dear-birth-mom
http://www.simplyrealmoms.com/posts/dear-birth-mom
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Happy National Adoption Month!
I do not have enough words to describe how much adoption has blessed my life. It is a road I never imagined we would journey down, but I am grateful for this path. It has connected me with amazing people, many of whom I would not have built a relationship with otherwise. It has taught me a lot, both about myself and the world around me. It has turned our lives upside down in the best way possible. It wasn't easy. It stretched us to our limits at times...many times. In the end, it was totally worth it. I thank God every day for our birth mom, three crazy boys, and the many friends I have made along the way.
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Where did THAT come from?
As I mentioned before, I attended MOMcon last week. For the most part, it was incredible to be surrounded by that many other women who understood my needs, thoughts and craziness. I especially felt something amazing when we all worshiped together. There is something to be said about 3,000 women praising Jesus in the same room.
While I loved feeling excited about my job as a wife and mother, I noticed some strange feelings creeping in. You see, there were several moments during the conference that I was reminded of my title "Adoptive Mom." It was never done intentionally. No one purposely made me feel like I was something different. Nevertheless, it was there.
Before I begin, let me just tell you that I pride myself on not being bitter or defensive when it comes to the way God grew my family. I love answering questions about adoption. I love encouraging other moms who may be considering it as an option for their family. Only a few questions or comments really get to me anymore...or so I thought.
Very rarely do people assume you are an adoptive mom when you are just talking about your kids. In my case, even when they see my family they do not assume it. Because the majority of moms at the conference are biological moms (or at least that is my guess), no one assumed that I had not birthed my three crazy boys. The first few comments didn't even really make it into my stream of consciousness.
"Are you going to try for a girl?" - probably the question I get asked most frequently, whether talking about my boys are being out with them.
And then, I started noticing more comments.
"You all know what I'm talking about, labor is rough." - nope, can't say that I do...
"You ladies know where babies come from, I mean, your moms, you've been there." - again, nope
"It's like the first time you feel your baby move inside of you." - um, I've had indigestion before, is that close?
It was in the final workshop of the conference that I actually started getting frustrated and even a bit angry. Why? I have no idea. I know their comments were harmless. I've heard it all before.
I felt it because I was supposed to be in a safe place that encouraged me as a wife an mother. By making me feel singled out, it no longer became safe.
I felt it because I wanted someone to acknowledge my experience and help me see how to use it in the best way possible.
I felt it for the moms who are not in a good place about adoption. It is painful to admit that you will not bear children. It takes time to heal, even when you have a beautiful baby in your arms. I pray that for the ladies in attendance who struggle with their family path. I hope they all are able to see God's incredible plan, even in the darkest moments.
Please know that I do see the wee bit of crazy that crept into my line of thinking. You may not understand why I started to become offended...heck, I don't even fully understand it. It's just another moment that makes me realize that adoption is so much deeper than bringing home a baby.
While I loved feeling excited about my job as a wife and mother, I noticed some strange feelings creeping in. You see, there were several moments during the conference that I was reminded of my title "Adoptive Mom." It was never done intentionally. No one purposely made me feel like I was something different. Nevertheless, it was there.
Before I begin, let me just tell you that I pride myself on not being bitter or defensive when it comes to the way God grew my family. I love answering questions about adoption. I love encouraging other moms who may be considering it as an option for their family. Only a few questions or comments really get to me anymore...or so I thought.
Very rarely do people assume you are an adoptive mom when you are just talking about your kids. In my case, even when they see my family they do not assume it. Because the majority of moms at the conference are biological moms (or at least that is my guess), no one assumed that I had not birthed my three crazy boys. The first few comments didn't even really make it into my stream of consciousness.
"Are you going to try for a girl?" - probably the question I get asked most frequently, whether talking about my boys are being out with them.
And then, I started noticing more comments.
"You all know what I'm talking about, labor is rough." - nope, can't say that I do...
"You ladies know where babies come from, I mean, your moms, you've been there." - again, nope
"It's like the first time you feel your baby move inside of you." - um, I've had indigestion before, is that close?
It was in the final workshop of the conference that I actually started getting frustrated and even a bit angry. Why? I have no idea. I know their comments were harmless. I've heard it all before.
I felt it because I was supposed to be in a safe place that encouraged me as a wife an mother. By making me feel singled out, it no longer became safe.
I felt it because I wanted someone to acknowledge my experience and help me see how to use it in the best way possible.
I felt it for the moms who are not in a good place about adoption. It is painful to admit that you will not bear children. It takes time to heal, even when you have a beautiful baby in your arms. I pray that for the ladies in attendance who struggle with their family path. I hope they all are able to see God's incredible plan, even in the darkest moments.
Please know that I do see the wee bit of crazy that crept into my line of thinking. You may not understand why I started to become offended...heck, I don't even fully understand it. It's just another moment that makes me realize that adoption is so much deeper than bringing home a baby.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Me time...finally!
This past week, I had the opportunity to attend MOMcon, the conference hosted by MOPS International. I have attended conferences in the past, but they were all designed for professional development. This was not only to improve my skills as a MOPS leader, but also as a Christian, wife and mom. Now that I am thinking about it, I guess that was professional development given that I am a stay-at-home mom. Ha! And here I was thinking it was just about me.
While I was excited to get away from the chaos, laundry and tantrums for a few days, I was more excited to learn. You see, the past year at my house has been challenging, as I've mentioned before. I was at a point where I knew something needed to change...and that something was me. I saw myself getting frustrated and angry faster, becoming a little lazier around the house, and not engaging with my boys nearly as much as I felt that I should. I was in a mom slump. I read several books in an attempt to "fix" it. I talked with friends and tried to sort through why I was lacking at home. I prayed that I would magically become more excited about housework and train sets.
"You're just tired." "You need to do more for you." "Every mom has one of those days at some point." While all that may be true, I was using those as excuses. My job is to care for my home and raise my children to be strong Christian boys. When I was working, I could never tell a supervisor "I'm just tired, so I'm not going to get ___ done." Hello, fired!
Sitting in the various workshops and sessions, I was reminded of who I was serving. Yes, I am serving Matt and my three boys, but I am also serving the Lord in all that I do. Do I really want to do a mediocre job for Him?
My greatest hope, as I settle back into my routine, is that I can keep these ideas and feelings at the forefront of my everyday thoughts. I don't want to lose the high that I brought back from Indy. I want to remain excited to play "fight" or "landfill" with my boys. I want to honor and respect my husband in all that I do. I want to turn to the Lord every time I feel the need to control my situation.
I won't be successful every day, but I will try. I believe that was the underlying message of many of the speakers I heard. You won't get it right all the time, but you don't need to let failures consume your thoughts or deter you from trying tomorrow. I believe it's only failure if it stops you from trying again.
While I was excited to get away from the chaos, laundry and tantrums for a few days, I was more excited to learn. You see, the past year at my house has been challenging, as I've mentioned before. I was at a point where I knew something needed to change...and that something was me. I saw myself getting frustrated and angry faster, becoming a little lazier around the house, and not engaging with my boys nearly as much as I felt that I should. I was in a mom slump. I read several books in an attempt to "fix" it. I talked with friends and tried to sort through why I was lacking at home. I prayed that I would magically become more excited about housework and train sets.
"You're just tired." "You need to do more for you." "Every mom has one of those days at some point." While all that may be true, I was using those as excuses. My job is to care for my home and raise my children to be strong Christian boys. When I was working, I could never tell a supervisor "I'm just tired, so I'm not going to get ___ done." Hello, fired!
Sitting in the various workshops and sessions, I was reminded of who I was serving. Yes, I am serving Matt and my three boys, but I am also serving the Lord in all that I do. Do I really want to do a mediocre job for Him?
My greatest hope, as I settle back into my routine, is that I can keep these ideas and feelings at the forefront of my everyday thoughts. I don't want to lose the high that I brought back from Indy. I want to remain excited to play "fight" or "landfill" with my boys. I want to honor and respect my husband in all that I do. I want to turn to the Lord every time I feel the need to control my situation.
I won't be successful every day, but I will try. I believe that was the underlying message of many of the speakers I heard. You won't get it right all the time, but you don't need to let failures consume your thoughts or deter you from trying tomorrow. I believe it's only failure if it stops you from trying again.
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