One of those days...

Yesterday was one of those days. You know, one of those days that you wish you could erase. It started at 3am, and lasted until 9pm. When I turned off my light and put my head on my pillow, all I could do was thank God it was over and pray that the next day would be better.

Going into this adoption scenario, I knew that we would experience tough moments. I knew that there would be challenging transition issues, and that all three kids would act out at times. The problem was, I didn't consider the chance that all three kids could possibly act out at the same time.

The two older boys each spent the day fighting for my attention, and throwing a fit if I dared play with the other. CJ chose to disobey every direction I gave him. Alex screamed whenever he was not allowed to do what he wanted. The baby did not want to be put down...at all.

By nap time, I was ready to lose it.

Thankfully, all three kids took a nap. While the naps only overlapped by 45 minutes, it was a peace that I appreciated. Sadly, as soon as nap time ended, so did my peace.

I'm not sure what side of the bed Alex woke up on, but it was not a pretty side. I'm still learning his preferences, including how he likes to wake up. Whatever I did was apparently wrong, and brought on a 45 minute scream-fest. I tried everything to get him to calm down, but nothing worked.

Once all three kids were up, I tried to get our day back on track. Surprisingly, I was able to start dinner on time. I was feeling pretty proud, until I started feeling extremely hot. At that moment, I really that our air conditioner was no longer working. Awesome. Three kids, dinner already in the oven, and a hot house. Seriously!?

By the time Matt got home, I could barely speak. I was frustrated, sad, confused, tired, hot, etc.

While the kids continued to act out, the house got hotter and I got more irritated as the night went on, I realized that my attitude was the only thing I could control at that moment. I apologized to everyone and attempted to regroup.

I'm not going to lie, I was grateful when I turned the lights out in the kids rooms, said good night, and headed downstairs for some alone time. When I sat down with my big 'ol bowl of ice cream, I thought about my attitude and behavior throughout the day. I was embarrassed. I could not believe that I had allowed myself to lose control. I was sad that I had not chosen to go to God for help. I chose to believe that I could handle it, and that did not get me very far.

I went to sleep last night asking God to help me in future days, knowing that I was going to face many of the same challenges. I prayed that I could hold it together, maintain calm and not lose it. Despite a LONG night, and waking up to the sound of CJ throwing up, today has been a lot better. I've been frustrated and angry, but I've kept my cool (for the most part).

Each day reminds me that I cannot go through this on my own. I know this is a season and that we will one day find our groove. I am trusting that God will provide me with the strength I need to make it through this challenging time. I look forward to the day when I can look back and say "remember when..."

Overwhelmed...that may be an understatement!

I cannot even begin to describe how much life has changed in the last 10 days. On August 4th, we picked up Alex from his foster home and began the transition into life with more children. We had anticipated the baby arriving the same day, so we stayed in Phoenix a few extra days just in case. Within a few days, we realized that it would be easier to transition Alex at home (and we couldn't guarantee that the due date Brooke was given was accurate), so we drove back to Las Vegas. Literally, the next day, I got a call that little Jacob entered the world. Boom...family of 5.

With Matt getting ready to start the school year, we realized that he would not be able to come with me to pick Jacob up. Alex had to come with me because we cannot have anyone else watch him yet, so we decided to have CJ stay home with Matt. My amazing sister drove down with her boys to watch CJ while Matt was working. So with plans falling into place, Alex and I drove back to Phoenix (5 days after we left) to meet the newest Fischer.

Now, there are a lot of reasons I feel overwhelmed. I don't give you this list to get sympathy or praise. I simply need to purge.

1. I hate leaving Matt and CJ behind, especially at a time when I need Matt the most (and vice versa).
2. I'm still getting to know Alex, so life is very frustrating when he just yells because I am not understanding what he is trying to tell me.
3. I haven't had a newborn in 3 1/2 years. There is a lot I had forgotten (or maybe blocked).
4. I did not pack enough toys to keep Alex occupied and it is HOT outside. Cabin fever is taking over.
5. I don't actually know when I get to go home.

While I would love to simply complain, I know that for every difficulty, there is a blessing.

1. My sister was willing to leave her husband at home so she could care for my boys.
2. This is a great opportunity for me to learn more about Alex while the baby is sleeping so much. At home, he would be competing with CJ for attention.
3. The internet has a lot of information about raising newborns. :) It is also coming back to me a lot more than I had expected.
4. Matt's parents have been so helpful in entertaining Alex or holding the baby so I can tend to the other child. I also found a few free classes for Alex at places like Gymboree, so we'll keep busy. Plus, there is an Ikea just up the street and I can walk around there for hours!
5. The social workers in both states are working hard to get me home by Tuesday. There are no guarantees, but I know that they are doing their best.

The biggest blessing is that our boys will get to grow up with biological siblings! How amazing is that?

I'm already worried about life when we get home. CJ has not had the easiest time with all of these changes, and I feel so bad for putting him through it. I can only rely on prayer and the support of our friends and family to get us through these next few months. I can't wait for the day when I can look back and say "remember when..."