Resurfaced Feelings

When CJ was our only child, I held a small shred of hope that we might get pregnant one day. Don't get me wrong, I have always been fully aware of our chances and have spent a lot of time working through the feelings associated with infertility. That doesn't mean that I couldn't hold hope that it could still happen to us.

Recently, I was thinking about where life has taken our family, and it made me a little sad. Sad because I realized that a biological child is somewhat out of the question now. We are in waaaay over our heads with three kids, so the idea of a fourth child brings on a crazy level of anxiety.

I hadn't thought about this until I started seeing so many Facebook updates with baby bump pictures, ultrasound pictures and gender reveals. Have you noticed that you never just have one pregnant friend? It happens in clumps of four or five at a time. For a minute, I thought that it would be amazing to be able to post those things...and then the baby started crying while Alex hit CJ and CJ threw applesauce across the dining room. Yeah, I'm not sure I could handle another child.

It's a weird shift, to go from hoping for a biological child to hoping that it doesn't happen. It's not a feeling that they prepare you for when you attend adoption training classes. You learn how to cope with infertility, the emotions related to the adoption process, and the fears that come with being an "adoptive parent." No one tells you how to let go of the desire to have a baby.

It may take time, but with three kids I've noticed that time flies by pretty fast. While it would be amazing to experience pregnancy, or to see my features in a child, or to identify the characteristics that he/she inherited from me, I have been blessed with three beautiful boys. If God sends us a miracle, we will be very happy, but we will also be VERY happy to stop with what He has already given us.