Post-placement depression

I'd like to begin by saying that I started this post about two months ago. My pride prevented me from actually publishing it. I was embarrassed that I had such a roller coaster of emotions, especially when I tend to be very open and aware of my feelings. After talking with a few people, I realized that this is something real and I want to be sure that other adoptive moms hear about my experience. I would hate for someone else to feel this way, and think that she is alone. Just know that this is probably one of the hardest posts I've written.

Everyone has heard of post-partum depression. I have never heard anyone talk about a similar experience for adoptive moms. With new biological moms, their bodies have endured something incredible and their hormones are out of whack. Adoptive moms obviously don't share that experience. I don't think many people assume that adoptive moms would even deal with any form of depression after being placed with a baby. After all, we've waited so long for this, how could we be anything but happy?

About two or three weeks after coming home with the boys, I started to feel a wide range of emotions. I was overwhelmed, sad, angry, and even resentful. It did not help that I was extremely tired. Getting used to a newborn schedule is tough, especially when you have two other kids who are very active. At the same time, I was trying to get to know an 18-month old who had his own personality, likes and dislikes (but couldn't communicate those to me aside from screaming).

During that time, I literally just "made it through" each day. My goals were set very low. I simply wanted to make sure my kids were fed, dressed, and made it to bed at a decent hour. I had no desire or drive to do much more than that. My days often ended in tears as I questioned our decision to adopt two kids at the same time. Those questions brought guilt, which made me feel worse.

For weeks, I struggled through this. I kept telling myself that the next day would be better, and it was, but barely (definitely not enough to make me feel good about being a mom of three). Deep down, I knew that we had made the right decision to adopt both boys, but I still had my doubts. Matt was wonderful about giving me a chance to purge my feelings. He took on a greater role when he was at home to relieve some of my stress. Despite having amazing friends and family, I still kept this to myself.

Why couldn't I just share my feelings with others? I can't answer that. For someone who prides herself on being an open book, I'm not sure why I was embarrassed to be dealing with this. Initially, I didn't understand what was going on. It also could have been that everyone kept telling me how great I was doing and how strong I was. After hearing that, how could I admit that I felt terrible inside. I was blessed to be connected with another foster mom through Facebook. She had recently been placed with two kids, and was experiencing a lot of the same feelings. After messaging back and forth a few times, I felt so much better. She had validated what I been going through and gave some ideas on how to handle things.

I'm pleased to say that I've made it back to my normal self again. I still struggle with the frustration and feeling overwhelmed, but it doesn't consume me. For other adoptive moms out there, please don't be embarrassed by feelings you may be experiencing. They are real and valid. Find someone that can help you through it; it is so much better than trying to muddle through it on your own.