Guilt and doubt

As we get closer to bringing Alex home, reality has started to set in. I've thought a lot about the impact all of this will have of our family. I've worried about making a successful transition for Alex. We've considered the financial implications of adding two children to our family. What I had not acknowledged was the impact all of this will have on Alex's current foster mom.

She has cared for him, as if he were her own child, for the past 16 months. She has seen him through some serious medical issues. She has helped him grown and develop. In other words, she cares deeply for him. From the beginning, she told us how wonderful it would be for him to have a relationship with his biological brother. Even as it became clear that we could get custody, she assured us that she would not attempt to adopt him (even though I think she would like to). She understood the importance of him being raised with family. While she may know that this is best, I know that she is already feeling the pain as she prepares to say good-bye.

After a recent text conversation with her, I sat down and really thought about the effect this move will have on her and her family. As I processed the various feelings that she may experience, I started to feel an incredible amount of guilt. Guilt is a normal part of adoption. Watching our birthmom hand us her child was one of the hardest things I've done. I felt so guilty that we were able to care for him and she was not able to. I felt guilty that we were so happy on one of the hardest days of her life. The guilt subsided a bit knowing that she really wasn't able to care for him at that time, and that she wanted us to parent him.

In this case, Alex will be taken from a stable, loving environment to be placed with us. He will be removed from all that he knows in order to live with his biological brother. As I pondered all this, I started to doubt if this was the best move for him. Is it fair of us to do this? Would he be better off being adopted by his current foster family? I prayed that God would make it clear to me that this really was the best decision for him.

I don't know that God has put a sign in front of me to show that we are doing the right thing, but I do believe that we are. First and foremost, his birthparents asked us to parent him. They chose us to raise him so that he could grow up with his brothers. It would not be fair to go against their wishes (since we are willing) just because we are scared or we feel bad. Second, he is young enough that he will probably not remember any of this as he gets older.

I hope to continue a relationship with his foster mom for many years to come. I'm not sure she will ever understand how much she has done for me over the past year and a half. I don't know that I will be able to explain to her how much she means to our family. I just pray that she continues to foster children for a long time. This world needs more women like her!