It's not you, it's me...

At my MOPS meeting this past week, we had a speaker talk about being fearless to follow God's plan for your life. One of our discussion questions was about our current fears and what is holding us back. It had been a looooonnnng week with one of our boys, and so I ended up with what I like to call verbal diarrhea. As I talked about my fears of parenting spirited (and at times, difficult) children, I realized something...

My biggest issue comes because I had unknowingly set expectations on how this entire process would go.

Last summer, I told myself that we were ready to take on the challenge of two additional children. I was certain that we would experience some bumps, but assumed that we could move through them quickly. I was confident that after 3-6 months, we be a cohesive family unit. I never considered the fact that one of the boys could have more deep-seeded problems than simple transitional issues.

Reality was harsh.

We are seven months into this process, and it still sucks at times. The behavioral issues are a cycle. The challenges keep coming. My expectations keep getting crushed. But you know what, it's going to be ok.

While we've experienced every emotion under the sun and more challenges than I would have anticipated, we have also received more love and support than I could have pictured. I am so grateful for the friends who offer to take one or more kids when another is having a rough day. I appreciate the texts that say "You need a night out. I'll be over in 10 minutes to pick you up." I tear up when a friend tells that me she's been praying for me.

If I could go back in time to give myself advice, it would be this:

~Erase all expectations and just know that there will be challenges and there will be successes. Everyone's experience is different and literally nothing will prepare for you what is coming. You may feel like you are taking several steps back, but there is always forward movement.

~You need to rely on others and ask for help. You have an amazing community, it doesn't do you any good to attempt to handle this on your own. God placed these people in your life for a reason.

~The behavior of your children during this transition (and any other time, really) is not necessarily a reflection of you. There are so many factors at work in this situation, that it would be impossible to say that there is one reason for it all. Release yourself from some of the pressure and guilt, and simply focus on the kids.

And finally...

~When you have no other options in sight, fall to your knees in prayer. There will be moments when you have no idea what to do next. Go to God. He has an answer for you.

I pray for those who are considering adoption or foster care. It is not for the faint at heart. My hope is that they have the support system in place to make it through the dark days, and friends who are ready to celebrate the good ones. If you are in this process and don't have a strong community yet, I'd encourage you to start looking. Adoption/foster care groups, churches and even playgrounds are great places to connect with other moms. Even Facebook groups can be helpful when you aren't sure what to do. I've somehow managed to meet other adoptive moms in the kids' section at Target. We're out there! I also hope that my experience with high expectations can help prepare someone else for what lies ahead.

It isn't easy, but it will be well worth it in the long run.