Disappointment and relief

I'm usually pretty open about our life on Facebook, but for some reason, I have been surprisingly quiet about a situation we were faced with recently. I've spent some time thinking about why I might be so reserved this time around. I don't know that I have an answer, but I believe it has something to do with protecting our birth mom from judgment.

You see, Brooke is pregnant. Yes, you read that right. Not only is she pregnant, but she is 8 months along and expecting a girl. When we received her letter in the mail, I was shell shocked. What do you do with that kind of information? The letter merely stated that she was expecting a girl in a little over a month. It didn't share her intent or make any requests of us. And yet, I spent the next three days praying, stressing, and contemplating what this could mean for my family.

Our lives are complete chaos about 90% of the time, how could we, in good conscience, add to that with another child? At the same time, how do we turn down the adoption of our boys' little sister? We've always talked about wanting a girl, but to have her come when we already have three boys??

I started getting angry. How could she do this to us? How could she put us in that position? What will people think if we adopt, or if we don't adopt?

If you haven't gathered already from previous posts, I am a worrier and a little bit of a planner (understatement of the year). A dear friend wrote me an amazing note that reminded me that I currently had nothing to worry about. Brooke had not shared her plans with us, so she could very likely be planning to parent (that concern is a whole other blog post). We had been very clear with her after Jake was born that we would not be in a place to adopt another child. But...what if she asked us? But, she hadn't. Stop worrying and ask God to take the burden from your shoulders.

Thankfully, God answered my prayers four days after we received that letter. I had written her back immediately, and included my phone number. I knew there was a solid chance that she had lost it, so I wanted to be sure she could contact me sooner than relying on snail mail. On that fourth day, my phone rang and the caller ID showed a number from her city. Holy cow! This is it! What if she asks us? What is she going to say? Stop asking questions and just answer the phone!

"Hi Katie! I just wanted to let you know that I've picked a really great family in New Hampshire to raise this little girl. Can I give them your number and address so they can keep in touch with your boys?"

Wow, not exactly what I was expecting.

Now, I'll admit, there is a certain amount of disappointment that she didn't ask us. Almost hurt. It's funny though, because we had already told her we couldn't adopt any more children. Why feel sadness over something that was probably not going to happen? We had basically decided that we would not be able to adopt this baby (no judgment, please, we had to consider our current family and the impact another adoption would have on everyone). After taking a few days to really think about it, I realized that there were a few things that I was grieving:

1. The loss of a daughter, or at least the possibility of parenting a daughter. I've said many times that I would struggle raising a girl, but it's still hard to accept when you are saying good-bye to that thought.

2. The potential loss of a sister for my boys. I can hope and pray that her adoptive family is open to a relationship with us, but it's totally up to them. They certainly don't have to have any communication. I think I've shared that they have three half-siblings that were born before CJ. I am definitely sad that they probably will never know those kids simply because we probably won't be able to find them (without the help of a private investigator). This hits a little closer because she is a full bio siblings of Jake & Alex. Plus, she is arriving after we have a relationship with Brooke, so it already feels like she is family. I really do hope that this family will keep in touch so that CJ, Alex and Jake can communicate with their little sister.

3. The fear of the unknown with this new adoptive family. I know the amount of love and support that we could provide, and that our family and friends provide. I have no idea who these people are. As hard as it is to say, this is not my worry. Brooke, along with an attorney, selected them for whatever reason, so she much believe that they are going to care for this little girl. I have to trust that she will be well cared for.

While I've gone through some sadness about this whole thing, in general, I am more relieved than anything else. I am so thankful that we did not have to make the decision. I cannot imagine how hard it would have been say no if Brooke had asked us to take the baby. At the same time, I cannot imagine adding a child to our family at this time.

God knew what our family could take on right now, and He made the decision for us.

This is just another facet of adoption that I would never have anticipated. When we brought CJ home, I would never have guessed that three more babies would have come after him. This has reminded me to withhold judgment when I hear of things that adoptive parents are dealing with. Every situation appears to have an easy or logical answer, but that is not always the case.