He is mine.

In adoption, there are often times when you experience thoughts and feelings that you would have never expected. Not that you expect things to go differently, just that you don't even consider that something will effect you. With CJ, I vividly remember how bittersweet our time was in the hospital following his birth. I knew we would be ecstatic as we welcomed our first child, but I hadn't considered how sad it would be as I watched Brooke say good-bye to her little boy.

Being our second and third adoptions, I kind of thought that I would be mentally and emotionally prepared. Nothing was going to surprise me this time around. Guess what...each adoption experience is different. Shocking, right?!

From the day we brought the boys home to the days we finalized their adoptions, I was too busy to really process what was happening. Now that we are reaching a "normal" pace, I am able to look at what happened over the past year.

I was talking with a friend last week, and I made a comment that basically said that I couldn't make a decision about Alex without checking first. She looked at me a little funny and I realized what I had just come out of my mouth (and what has clearly been resting in the back of my mind). I had forgotten that Alex is mine.

He was our foster son for 10 months before we were finally able to drop the "foster" part of that title (which I realize is short compared to what some families have to endure). During that time, I had to check in with our case worker before making any big decisions about his care. You get into the habit of pausing to think about what your case worker would say, do or suggest. The funny thing is, our case worker for Alex was pretty laid back about things because she knew we were going to adopt him. We really didn't have to deal with some of the red tape and processes that other foster parents had to deal with. Despite all that, I still find myself pausing before I contact a doctor, therapist or teacher. I sometimes feel like I need permission to make some of those big decisions. Why? Insecurity, possibly. Habit, probably.

Even though it was a relatively short time between placement and finalization, my only experience as his mom had included the requirement to follow state guidelines and procedures. I had never just been Alex's mom. I definitely complained about the policies and procedures, but I can now see that there was some security in that. I knew that I had a safety net. If something went wrong, I could drop it in someone else's lap. If there was a problem, someone else would help me deal with it.

Now? Now, it's just me and Matt. That's scary. It's like riding a bike for the first time after being used to training wheels. You may be ready to take those wheels off, but you still have those fears and doubts about how it will go.

While it can be intimidating to think about, I am grateful that we are able to simply live as a family. It is a responsibility that I don't take lightly, and one that I definitely do not take for granted. I'm sure one day I will not pause before making a decision, I won't feel the need to check in with someone. One day my brain will fully acknowledge what my heart already knows...that these boys are mine.