One of the amazing things I get to do occasionally is help launch books. I have no idea how I got into this, but I am so grateful that I did. I have read some amazing work over the past few years, and even met an incredible author. Not too long ago, I noticed a post on Facebook looking for people to help launch a book by Mike Berry, who writes the blog Confessions of an Adoptive Parent. The book, with the same title, is coming out in February and a launch team was being put together. I jumped on that. I loved reading in general, but something related to adoption?! I mean, come on!
I could not have anticipated the affect this book was going to have on me.
The day it arrived in the mail, I decided to read the first chapter or two, just to get started. Can I just tell you that by 10pm, I had finished the book. I could not put it down. I didn't want to. For the first time, I found a book (or maybe I should say the book found me) that perfectly described the thoughts and feelings that I experienced as we went through our adoption processes, specifically with Alex. These were things I had only shared with Matt because they felt too terrible to share with anyone else. I down-played everything when we were going through it all. I let people know that things were hard, but I made it sounds like a scratch when I was really dealing with a gaping wound.
I can't say for sure why I didn't share everything. I have a tendency to need to "have it all together." I didn't want to complain when we went out of our way to bring the two younger boys home. I literally chose to have this level of chaos in my life. Honestly, at the time, I couldn't see how bad it really was.
Looking back, I wish I had been more honest. I wish I been totally transparent with people. Sure, I shared my struggles with friends, but I don't know that I fully opened up with everything to anyone other than Matt. It was embarrassing and shameful in my mind.
In the book, he talks about the power in seeing someone else raise their hand and say "I've been there too." So, I am going to share some of my more personal thoughts and feelings. Maybe it will help me relieve some of the shame. Maybe it will make someone else feel normal. Regardless, I have always prided myself on sharing everything, and now I am going to.
I regretted the decision to bring home both boys. Or at least, I thought I regretted it. Lack of sleep and jumping into a level of parenting that I was not prepared for probably exaggerated my feelings. Either way, I went to bed more than once telling Matt that we did not make the right decision. I hated that I couldn't handle my middle son. I was resentful of the chaos that became our family norm. I couldn't stand the looks and judgment I would get from strangers who assumed that I was just raising a spoiled child. I was sad that the family I dreamed up was not the family God gave me. I feared that I would not be able to handle this life for much longer.
And then came the shame. Good mothers are not supposed to regret adding a child to their family. Good mothers don't resent their children. Good mothers figure it out. How could I feel this way when I worked so hard to bring these boys home?
Here's the problem with comparing myself to other mothers...most mothers, at least the mothers I know, are not dealing with brain damage due to drug and alcohol exposure. Their children were not going to have the same struggles that mine had. I was comparing apples and hamburgers. Of course I wasn't prepared for what was coming. There was no way to anticipate how easy or hard it was going to be.
I realize now that it wasn't really regret that I was experiencing; it was fear. At the time, I was certain I had made the wrong decision. I was afraid of failing. I was terrified that I had jumped into something that I could not handle. In those desperate and challenging moments, I didn't think life would ever be fun. Today, I watched my boys play Legos for two hours together. They giggled, shared, and created fantastically creative Star Wars battle ships.
Don't get me wrong. We have hard days. I still struggle to parent Alex. I have no idea what to do most of the time. The difference? The amount of hope in my heart is greater than the amount of fear.
If you are a foster or adoptive parent, I would highly recommend this book, especially if you are parenting a child with special needs. I found it to be very validating and encouraging. If you are considering foster care or adoption, I would also recommend this book because he provides some great insights and suggestions as you begin. Please don't let the severity of his circumstances scare you though. I just wish I had a more realistic idea of what could happen, as opposed to the candy-coated world I was creating in my head. Finally, I think this book would be a great read for anyone supporting a family through the adoption process. It isn't always easy to explain what adoption is like, especially to someone who hasn't been down that path. I think this can give you a solid idea of some of the feelings.
Saturday, January 20, 2018
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Bio Siblings
If you have followed our story, you know that we have maintained an open adoption over the past 6 1/2 years. I never would have guessed that I would appreciate having such an open relationship, but I love it. It gives my boys a connection to their biological family, and that is important to me. I want them to be able to find answers when they start asking questions.
You may or may not know that they have had two sisters born since Jake. Both were placed for adoption. While I was so happy that they are being parented by loving families, I was a little sad that the boys have family that they may never meet.
One day, I was texting with our birth mom, and she shared that the girls' adoptive families would be open to communication with us. She sent me one of their cell phone numbers (with the promise of sending the other number soon). I expected to be super excited, and I was, but I was more scared than anything else. What if I reached out and she chose not to respond?
I held onto that number for months.
One day, I read a devotion about being brave. I am not always able to directly apply devotions to my life, but this one was different. I knew almost immediately what I needed to do.
I typed out that text about 14 times. I second guessed the words I had chosen. I read and re-read it so many times that I questioned whether or not I was spelling words correctly. Finally, I knew I just had to hit send and be done with it. If she chose not to text back, so be it. To my surprise, she responded almost immediately and was open to communicating with us. Hallelujah!
Now, we haven't texted since then, but it still feels awesome to know that we have a connection to one of their sisters.
Two weeks ago, we made a trip to visit our birth mom. When I texted to see if she was free, she said that the other adoptive family might join us too! I hadn't been in touch with them before, so I had no idea if they were interested in getting to know us. How amazing that our boys might have a chance to meet their half-sister face to face!! They agreed and we set the times and place.
As the reality of the meeting set in, I became nervous. I don't actually know why. I wasn't trying to impress the other family (well, maybe I was). I didn't need them to approve of us (although I wanted them to). It was a very bizarre feeling. I think it was basically me feeling overwhelmed by how huge this was for our family.
When we got to our meeting, only our birthmom was there. We had actually feared that the adoptive family had changed their minds. Thankfully, they were just delayed because of some car issues. As they walked up, the fear disappeared.
For the next 90 minutes, we got to know each other and shared our adoption stories. It was such a unique experience to have two adoptive moms and a birth mom hanging out. While I had been so nervous, it felt so natural!
We did introduce the boys to their half-sister, and told them who she was. They didn't seem overly interested, but then again, we were at a park and they just wanted to play. I am sure questions will pop up down the road, and we'll answer them as they come.
For now, I am just thankful that our family is extending out even farther than I could have imagined.
You may or may not know that they have had two sisters born since Jake. Both were placed for adoption. While I was so happy that they are being parented by loving families, I was a little sad that the boys have family that they may never meet.
One day, I was texting with our birth mom, and she shared that the girls' adoptive families would be open to communication with us. She sent me one of their cell phone numbers (with the promise of sending the other number soon). I expected to be super excited, and I was, but I was more scared than anything else. What if I reached out and she chose not to respond?
I held onto that number for months.
One day, I read a devotion about being brave. I am not always able to directly apply devotions to my life, but this one was different. I knew almost immediately what I needed to do.
I typed out that text about 14 times. I second guessed the words I had chosen. I read and re-read it so many times that I questioned whether or not I was spelling words correctly. Finally, I knew I just had to hit send and be done with it. If she chose not to text back, so be it. To my surprise, she responded almost immediately and was open to communicating with us. Hallelujah!
Now, we haven't texted since then, but it still feels awesome to know that we have a connection to one of their sisters.
Two weeks ago, we made a trip to visit our birth mom. When I texted to see if she was free, she said that the other adoptive family might join us too! I hadn't been in touch with them before, so I had no idea if they were interested in getting to know us. How amazing that our boys might have a chance to meet their half-sister face to face!! They agreed and we set the times and place.
As the reality of the meeting set in, I became nervous. I don't actually know why. I wasn't trying to impress the other family (well, maybe I was). I didn't need them to approve of us (although I wanted them to). It was a very bizarre feeling. I think it was basically me feeling overwhelmed by how huge this was for our family.
When we got to our meeting, only our birthmom was there. We had actually feared that the adoptive family had changed their minds. Thankfully, they were just delayed because of some car issues. As they walked up, the fear disappeared.
For the next 90 minutes, we got to know each other and shared our adoption stories. It was such a unique experience to have two adoptive moms and a birth mom hanging out. While I had been so nervous, it felt so natural!
We did introduce the boys to their half-sister, and told them who she was. They didn't seem overly interested, but then again, we were at a park and they just wanted to play. I am sure questions will pop up down the road, and we'll answer them as they come.
For now, I am just thankful that our family is extending out even farther than I could have imagined.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Living by the minute.
I will be the first to admit that I am parenting 3 challenging boys. I don't pretend like we have it all together. I try not to make excuses for their bad choices. I fully acknowledge that we are a circus most days of the week. There isn't a whole lot I can do about it, aside from laugh...or cry.
When you have a child with severe emotional extremes, you learn to live by the minute because that is how quickly things seem to change.
This morning, as we dropped off CJ, Alex had what can only be described as a volcanic eruption of emotions. I was actually concerned that someone was going to call the police, assuming that I was kidnapping this poor little boy. A mom behind me actually took our her phone and held it up in a way that had me wondering if she was taking a picture or video. Paranoid? Maybe. I am sure it was just coincidental timing. Maybe.
We had a five minute walk back to the car. Let me correct myself...it should have taken 5 minutes. Fourteen minutes later, we pulled up to our van. In those 14 minutes, I walked past 7 or 8 moms who were most likely thinking "gosh, I am glad that isn't my kid." They each gave me a sympathetic half smile; some muttered "hang in there."
It then took an additional 4 minutes to simply get him from the stroller to the van. For being so small, he sure is strong when he wants to be. Last night he "couldn't" open the back door because it was "too heavy." Today, he held onto that stroller with a grip that most could only muster to prevent themselves from falling over the edge of the Grand Canyon.
Once everyone was buckled into their car seats, the stroller was put away, and I was blasting the AC to counteract the incredible amount of sweat I had worked up, we began the 12 minute drive home. 11 minutes of which involved screaming, kicking and being told "you are terrible, mom."
We were almost to our house, when Alex noticed a dog being walked. Just as quickly as the tantrum arrived, it left as he said "oh, I like that little dog." The light switched had been flicked in the other direction. I had survived.
Living by the minute really is all I can do some days. Trust me when I say some of those minutes take hours to live through. Mostly, they fly by. I go minute by minute because that is how Alex does it. Most of the time, there is no future or past with him. He lives in the present. Actions and reactions are immediate. I cannot tell him "when we get home you have a time out" because by that time he will have almost no recollection of why he is in trouble. It can be hard to do this, but it's harder to try to force my preferred parenting style on him. He needs something very different, and it is my job to figure it out and help him through.
One day, we'll look back and laugh at the craziness. Until then, I hope people around us will be understanding and patient as we navigate life minute by minute.
When you have a child with severe emotional extremes, you learn to live by the minute because that is how quickly things seem to change.
This morning, as we dropped off CJ, Alex had what can only be described as a volcanic eruption of emotions. I was actually concerned that someone was going to call the police, assuming that I was kidnapping this poor little boy. A mom behind me actually took our her phone and held it up in a way that had me wondering if she was taking a picture or video. Paranoid? Maybe. I am sure it was just coincidental timing. Maybe.
We had a five minute walk back to the car. Let me correct myself...it should have taken 5 minutes. Fourteen minutes later, we pulled up to our van. In those 14 minutes, I walked past 7 or 8 moms who were most likely thinking "gosh, I am glad that isn't my kid." They each gave me a sympathetic half smile; some muttered "hang in there."
It then took an additional 4 minutes to simply get him from the stroller to the van. For being so small, he sure is strong when he wants to be. Last night he "couldn't" open the back door because it was "too heavy." Today, he held onto that stroller with a grip that most could only muster to prevent themselves from falling over the edge of the Grand Canyon.
Once everyone was buckled into their car seats, the stroller was put away, and I was blasting the AC to counteract the incredible amount of sweat I had worked up, we began the 12 minute drive home. 11 minutes of which involved screaming, kicking and being told "you are terrible, mom."
We were almost to our house, when Alex noticed a dog being walked. Just as quickly as the tantrum arrived, it left as he said "oh, I like that little dog." The light switched had been flicked in the other direction. I had survived.
Living by the minute really is all I can do some days. Trust me when I say some of those minutes take hours to live through. Mostly, they fly by. I go minute by minute because that is how Alex does it. Most of the time, there is no future or past with him. He lives in the present. Actions and reactions are immediate. I cannot tell him "when we get home you have a time out" because by that time he will have almost no recollection of why he is in trouble. It can be hard to do this, but it's harder to try to force my preferred parenting style on him. He needs something very different, and it is my job to figure it out and help him through.
One day, we'll look back and laugh at the craziness. Until then, I hope people around us will be understanding and patient as we navigate life minute by minute.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
It's been awhile...
It has been well over a year since I last posted here. What can I say, life is a little nuts with 3 boys!
Over the past few months, life has been challenging. We have had a lot change in a short period, and I felt the need to write about it. I assume very few people read this, so it seems like a safe place to let it all out.
We've known that there would be potential challenges and/or issues for our boys (specifically CJ & Alex) due to their exposure to drugs and alcohol before they were born. We had mentally prepared ourselves for Alex more than CJ because we knew his exposure was greater. I think that is what makes a recent diagnosis for CJ so hard to accept. We weren't prepared for it. He's always seemed to have a little more energy and a little less focus than the average kid, but I didn't anticipate it creating real problems for him.
After a difficult kindergarten year, we decided to have him evaluated, assuming that it was ADHD due to his behaviors. Honestly, I had almost forgotten that he was exposed in utero. When the diagnosis came back, it was directly tied to the substance exposure. I was a little devastated. Ok, a lot devastated. ADHD seemed so much easier to handle. Drug and alcohol exposure causes brain damage. That did not seem easy to handle. The evaluating psychologist gave us a list of things that would help him - occupational therapy, behavioral therapy, meds, play therapy. The list felt super long.
I'll pause here to share that all of this was presented to us 2 weeks before school was to begin. Seriously, for a Type-A, planner like me, this was insanity. I already had it in my head how life was going to look, and now I had to completely change that. Yes, I'm being dramatic, but this is my brain. I can't help it.
We made the decision to retain him in kindergarten to take some of the academic pressure off and give him a little more time to mature. We even attended a meet-up for other kindergarten parents. Just a few days later, we met with the staff at his school to talk about a plan. We realized that the help he needed was not available there, and made the decision to withdraw him and enroll him in a public school for the upcoming year. This would give him the opportunity to get a little extra support and get him back on track.
All the planning in the world did not prepare for the emotions I felt Monday morning.
As I dropped CJ off for his first day of school, I realized that I was struggling with his move to public school more than he was. I took a lot for granted last year. I missed the security of knowing that Matt was on the same campus with him. I was sad that he would no longer have religion and faith built into all of his classes. It had been a safe place. I felt like he was protected. In reality, he is still safe and protected. Yes, he may be exposed to things that he wouldn't have before, but is that so bad? We may have to have certain conversations before I feel ready, but that is ok. I may also be taking a "worst case scenario" mindset.
There are lots of great things that will come this year. He has a male teacher, which I think is amazing! He is excited about not having uniforms (I am not. Uniforms are soooo much easier!). As he told me this morning "every day is free dress day!" He couldn't wait to run around on the grass field, something they didn't have at his last school. I'm not going to lie, the extra funds in the bank account each month helps a little too.
Can I also admit that I am struggling with feelings of failure? My head knows that there is nothing that I could have done to prevent this, but my heart still aches for the challenges that will be coming his way. I am also trying to hold my head up while knowing that people have been talking about us. Guessing the reasons why we withdrew CJ. Making assumptions about him and our family. It hurts. You know what, I can't let that bother me. I'm too freakin' busy to worry about their discussion. I got my own crap to deal with.
Sometimes, we have to admit when our plan is not the best plan for our children. And that is hard. Like, really hard. While I would love to think that private education is the best path for everyone; it's not. He is going to get the resources and support he desperately needs right now. I can't ask for much more than that!
Over the past few months, life has been challenging. We have had a lot change in a short period, and I felt the need to write about it. I assume very few people read this, so it seems like a safe place to let it all out.
We've known that there would be potential challenges and/or issues for our boys (specifically CJ & Alex) due to their exposure to drugs and alcohol before they were born. We had mentally prepared ourselves for Alex more than CJ because we knew his exposure was greater. I think that is what makes a recent diagnosis for CJ so hard to accept. We weren't prepared for it. He's always seemed to have a little more energy and a little less focus than the average kid, but I didn't anticipate it creating real problems for him.
After a difficult kindergarten year, we decided to have him evaluated, assuming that it was ADHD due to his behaviors. Honestly, I had almost forgotten that he was exposed in utero. When the diagnosis came back, it was directly tied to the substance exposure. I was a little devastated. Ok, a lot devastated. ADHD seemed so much easier to handle. Drug and alcohol exposure causes brain damage. That did not seem easy to handle. The evaluating psychologist gave us a list of things that would help him - occupational therapy, behavioral therapy, meds, play therapy. The list felt super long.
I'll pause here to share that all of this was presented to us 2 weeks before school was to begin. Seriously, for a Type-A, planner like me, this was insanity. I already had it in my head how life was going to look, and now I had to completely change that. Yes, I'm being dramatic, but this is my brain. I can't help it.
We made the decision to retain him in kindergarten to take some of the academic pressure off and give him a little more time to mature. We even attended a meet-up for other kindergarten parents. Just a few days later, we met with the staff at his school to talk about a plan. We realized that the help he needed was not available there, and made the decision to withdraw him and enroll him in a public school for the upcoming year. This would give him the opportunity to get a little extra support and get him back on track.
All the planning in the world did not prepare for the emotions I felt Monday morning.
As I dropped CJ off for his first day of school, I realized that I was struggling with his move to public school more than he was. I took a lot for granted last year. I missed the security of knowing that Matt was on the same campus with him. I was sad that he would no longer have religion and faith built into all of his classes. It had been a safe place. I felt like he was protected. In reality, he is still safe and protected. Yes, he may be exposed to things that he wouldn't have before, but is that so bad? We may have to have certain conversations before I feel ready, but that is ok. I may also be taking a "worst case scenario" mindset.
There are lots of great things that will come this year. He has a male teacher, which I think is amazing! He is excited about not having uniforms (I am not. Uniforms are soooo much easier!). As he told me this morning "every day is free dress day!" He couldn't wait to run around on the grass field, something they didn't have at his last school. I'm not going to lie, the extra funds in the bank account each month helps a little too.
Can I also admit that I am struggling with feelings of failure? My head knows that there is nothing that I could have done to prevent this, but my heart still aches for the challenges that will be coming his way. I am also trying to hold my head up while knowing that people have been talking about us. Guessing the reasons why we withdrew CJ. Making assumptions about him and our family. It hurts. You know what, I can't let that bother me. I'm too freakin' busy to worry about their discussion. I got my own crap to deal with.
Sometimes, we have to admit when our plan is not the best plan for our children. And that is hard. Like, really hard. While I would love to think that private education is the best path for everyone; it's not. He is going to get the resources and support he desperately needs right now. I can't ask for much more than that!
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Eggshells
I think I've mentioned before, but we have dealt with some serious anger and behavioral problems with our middle son. I didn't look back to see what I wrote, but I'm guessing I probably downplayed it a bit. We know the cause, or at least part of it, and have gone to counseling in the past to try to help manage the outbursts. Honestly, I thought we were past the worst of it.
We are now on day 4 of a tantrum cycle. It ain't pretty. I live my life walking on eggshells because I am terrified of the next fit.
Let me give you a glimpse into life at our house, so you'll an idea of what is happening:
We are playing a game. I pick up the wrong piece. Tears and screaming. He sits in timeout to compose himself and starts hitting himself. I sit with him to try to help and he yells at me to sit someplace else. I walk away and he yells for me to come sit with him. (20 minutes passes) He calms down and we go back to playing. Snack time comes. I open the granola bar from the "wrong end." Tears and screaming. I set him back in timeout to calm down. He starts hitting his head on the wall, so I put him in his bed to calm down. (20 minutes passes). He comes out, says he's calm and we go back to snack time. Repeat about 15 more times because I have either driven down the wrong street, not acknowledged his dinosaur properly, given him the wrong color spoon or any other totally logical reason to melt down.
It got so bad that I cried at preschool pick up two days ago. He was having a fit about a toy that was taken away. I had to pick up my oldest, so into the school we marched. All eyes were on us because the screams made it sound like he was being attacked. As we approached the door to the classroom, I made eye contact with the teacher and lost it. She took my screamer aside and a friend wrapped me up in a big hug.
I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I can do to help. You know what I realized, my reactions to his temper are a trigger for the larger tantrums. I can hold it together for awhile, but then on the 15th scream, I fall apart. That makes him get a little more upset and together we snowball into complete madness.
Today, I woke up determined to make it better. I promised myself and God that I would do everything in me to remain calm, no matter how tough it got. I decided to take a moment if needed before responding to him, to ensure that I was not the cause of the issue.
This morning, as he started falling apart because I wouldn't let him buy six dinosaurs at Walmart, I took a breath and calmly reminded him that we didn't need to buy any. It took a few minutes, but he eventually realized that I wasn't going to change my mind and he calmed down. Success!! Maybe I can do this!
It's easy to stay calm for a few hours, or even an entire day, but can I do it forever? Probably not. Honestly, it's not reasonable to think that I will always be 100% calm. You know what? As long as I wake up with a good attitude, take a few breaths before I respond to him, and forgive myself when I mess up, I think I'll be ok.
We are now on day 4 of a tantrum cycle. It ain't pretty. I live my life walking on eggshells because I am terrified of the next fit.
Let me give you a glimpse into life at our house, so you'll an idea of what is happening:
We are playing a game. I pick up the wrong piece. Tears and screaming. He sits in timeout to compose himself and starts hitting himself. I sit with him to try to help and he yells at me to sit someplace else. I walk away and he yells for me to come sit with him. (20 minutes passes) He calms down and we go back to playing. Snack time comes. I open the granola bar from the "wrong end." Tears and screaming. I set him back in timeout to calm down. He starts hitting his head on the wall, so I put him in his bed to calm down. (20 minutes passes). He comes out, says he's calm and we go back to snack time. Repeat about 15 more times because I have either driven down the wrong street, not acknowledged his dinosaur properly, given him the wrong color spoon or any other totally logical reason to melt down.
It got so bad that I cried at preschool pick up two days ago. He was having a fit about a toy that was taken away. I had to pick up my oldest, so into the school we marched. All eyes were on us because the screams made it sound like he was being attacked. As we approached the door to the classroom, I made eye contact with the teacher and lost it. She took my screamer aside and a friend wrapped me up in a big hug.
I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I can do to help. You know what I realized, my reactions to his temper are a trigger for the larger tantrums. I can hold it together for awhile, but then on the 15th scream, I fall apart. That makes him get a little more upset and together we snowball into complete madness.
Today, I woke up determined to make it better. I promised myself and God that I would do everything in me to remain calm, no matter how tough it got. I decided to take a moment if needed before responding to him, to ensure that I was not the cause of the issue.
This morning, as he started falling apart because I wouldn't let him buy six dinosaurs at Walmart, I took a breath and calmly reminded him that we didn't need to buy any. It took a few minutes, but he eventually realized that I wasn't going to change my mind and he calmed down. Success!! Maybe I can do this!
It's easy to stay calm for a few hours, or even an entire day, but can I do it forever? Probably not. Honestly, it's not reasonable to think that I will always be 100% calm. You know what? As long as I wake up with a good attitude, take a few breaths before I respond to him, and forgive myself when I mess up, I think I'll be ok.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Dear birth mom...
This past week, Simply Real Moms allowed me to share a letter that I wrote to our birth mom. Honestly, it was one of the harder things I've shared. I'm open about most aspects of our adoption, but I tend to be very protective of my relationship with Brooke. This was definitely one of the more personal things I've written for the website. I get asked so often about having an open adoption. I think the idea scares most people, but after living it for five years, I wouldn't have it any other way.
http://www.simplyrealmoms.com/posts/dear-birth-mom
http://www.simplyrealmoms.com/posts/dear-birth-mom
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Happy National Adoption Month!
I do not have enough words to describe how much adoption has blessed my life. It is a road I never imagined we would journey down, but I am grateful for this path. It has connected me with amazing people, many of whom I would not have built a relationship with otherwise. It has taught me a lot, both about myself and the world around me. It has turned our lives upside down in the best way possible. It wasn't easy. It stretched us to our limits at times...many times. In the end, it was totally worth it. I thank God every day for our birth mom, three crazy boys, and the many friends I have made along the way.
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Where did THAT come from?
As I mentioned before, I attended MOMcon last week. For the most part, it was incredible to be surrounded by that many other women who understood my needs, thoughts and craziness. I especially felt something amazing when we all worshiped together. There is something to be said about 3,000 women praising Jesus in the same room.
While I loved feeling excited about my job as a wife and mother, I noticed some strange feelings creeping in. You see, there were several moments during the conference that I was reminded of my title "Adoptive Mom." It was never done intentionally. No one purposely made me feel like I was something different. Nevertheless, it was there.
Before I begin, let me just tell you that I pride myself on not being bitter or defensive when it comes to the way God grew my family. I love answering questions about adoption. I love encouraging other moms who may be considering it as an option for their family. Only a few questions or comments really get to me anymore...or so I thought.
Very rarely do people assume you are an adoptive mom when you are just talking about your kids. In my case, even when they see my family they do not assume it. Because the majority of moms at the conference are biological moms (or at least that is my guess), no one assumed that I had not birthed my three crazy boys. The first few comments didn't even really make it into my stream of consciousness.
"Are you going to try for a girl?" - probably the question I get asked most frequently, whether talking about my boys are being out with them.
And then, I started noticing more comments.
"You all know what I'm talking about, labor is rough." - nope, can't say that I do...
"You ladies know where babies come from, I mean, your moms, you've been there." - again, nope
"It's like the first time you feel your baby move inside of you." - um, I've had indigestion before, is that close?
It was in the final workshop of the conference that I actually started getting frustrated and even a bit angry. Why? I have no idea. I know their comments were harmless. I've heard it all before.
I felt it because I was supposed to be in a safe place that encouraged me as a wife an mother. By making me feel singled out, it no longer became safe.
I felt it because I wanted someone to acknowledge my experience and help me see how to use it in the best way possible.
I felt it for the moms who are not in a good place about adoption. It is painful to admit that you will not bear children. It takes time to heal, even when you have a beautiful baby in your arms. I pray that for the ladies in attendance who struggle with their family path. I hope they all are able to see God's incredible plan, even in the darkest moments.
Please know that I do see the wee bit of crazy that crept into my line of thinking. You may not understand why I started to become offended...heck, I don't even fully understand it. It's just another moment that makes me realize that adoption is so much deeper than bringing home a baby.
While I loved feeling excited about my job as a wife and mother, I noticed some strange feelings creeping in. You see, there were several moments during the conference that I was reminded of my title "Adoptive Mom." It was never done intentionally. No one purposely made me feel like I was something different. Nevertheless, it was there.
Before I begin, let me just tell you that I pride myself on not being bitter or defensive when it comes to the way God grew my family. I love answering questions about adoption. I love encouraging other moms who may be considering it as an option for their family. Only a few questions or comments really get to me anymore...or so I thought.
Very rarely do people assume you are an adoptive mom when you are just talking about your kids. In my case, even when they see my family they do not assume it. Because the majority of moms at the conference are biological moms (or at least that is my guess), no one assumed that I had not birthed my three crazy boys. The first few comments didn't even really make it into my stream of consciousness.
"Are you going to try for a girl?" - probably the question I get asked most frequently, whether talking about my boys are being out with them.
And then, I started noticing more comments.
"You all know what I'm talking about, labor is rough." - nope, can't say that I do...
"You ladies know where babies come from, I mean, your moms, you've been there." - again, nope
"It's like the first time you feel your baby move inside of you." - um, I've had indigestion before, is that close?
It was in the final workshop of the conference that I actually started getting frustrated and even a bit angry. Why? I have no idea. I know their comments were harmless. I've heard it all before.
I felt it because I was supposed to be in a safe place that encouraged me as a wife an mother. By making me feel singled out, it no longer became safe.
I felt it because I wanted someone to acknowledge my experience and help me see how to use it in the best way possible.
I felt it for the moms who are not in a good place about adoption. It is painful to admit that you will not bear children. It takes time to heal, even when you have a beautiful baby in your arms. I pray that for the ladies in attendance who struggle with their family path. I hope they all are able to see God's incredible plan, even in the darkest moments.
Please know that I do see the wee bit of crazy that crept into my line of thinking. You may not understand why I started to become offended...heck, I don't even fully understand it. It's just another moment that makes me realize that adoption is so much deeper than bringing home a baby.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Me time...finally!
This past week, I had the opportunity to attend MOMcon, the conference hosted by MOPS International. I have attended conferences in the past, but they were all designed for professional development. This was not only to improve my skills as a MOPS leader, but also as a Christian, wife and mom. Now that I am thinking about it, I guess that was professional development given that I am a stay-at-home mom. Ha! And here I was thinking it was just about me.
While I was excited to get away from the chaos, laundry and tantrums for a few days, I was more excited to learn. You see, the past year at my house has been challenging, as I've mentioned before. I was at a point where I knew something needed to change...and that something was me. I saw myself getting frustrated and angry faster, becoming a little lazier around the house, and not engaging with my boys nearly as much as I felt that I should. I was in a mom slump. I read several books in an attempt to "fix" it. I talked with friends and tried to sort through why I was lacking at home. I prayed that I would magically become more excited about housework and train sets.
"You're just tired." "You need to do more for you." "Every mom has one of those days at some point." While all that may be true, I was using those as excuses. My job is to care for my home and raise my children to be strong Christian boys. When I was working, I could never tell a supervisor "I'm just tired, so I'm not going to get ___ done." Hello, fired!
Sitting in the various workshops and sessions, I was reminded of who I was serving. Yes, I am serving Matt and my three boys, but I am also serving the Lord in all that I do. Do I really want to do a mediocre job for Him?
My greatest hope, as I settle back into my routine, is that I can keep these ideas and feelings at the forefront of my everyday thoughts. I don't want to lose the high that I brought back from Indy. I want to remain excited to play "fight" or "landfill" with my boys. I want to honor and respect my husband in all that I do. I want to turn to the Lord every time I feel the need to control my situation.
I won't be successful every day, but I will try. I believe that was the underlying message of many of the speakers I heard. You won't get it right all the time, but you don't need to let failures consume your thoughts or deter you from trying tomorrow. I believe it's only failure if it stops you from trying again.
While I was excited to get away from the chaos, laundry and tantrums for a few days, I was more excited to learn. You see, the past year at my house has been challenging, as I've mentioned before. I was at a point where I knew something needed to change...and that something was me. I saw myself getting frustrated and angry faster, becoming a little lazier around the house, and not engaging with my boys nearly as much as I felt that I should. I was in a mom slump. I read several books in an attempt to "fix" it. I talked with friends and tried to sort through why I was lacking at home. I prayed that I would magically become more excited about housework and train sets.
"You're just tired." "You need to do more for you." "Every mom has one of those days at some point." While all that may be true, I was using those as excuses. My job is to care for my home and raise my children to be strong Christian boys. When I was working, I could never tell a supervisor "I'm just tired, so I'm not going to get ___ done." Hello, fired!
Sitting in the various workshops and sessions, I was reminded of who I was serving. Yes, I am serving Matt and my three boys, but I am also serving the Lord in all that I do. Do I really want to do a mediocre job for Him?
My greatest hope, as I settle back into my routine, is that I can keep these ideas and feelings at the forefront of my everyday thoughts. I don't want to lose the high that I brought back from Indy. I want to remain excited to play "fight" or "landfill" with my boys. I want to honor and respect my husband in all that I do. I want to turn to the Lord every time I feel the need to control my situation.
I won't be successful every day, but I will try. I believe that was the underlying message of many of the speakers I heard. You won't get it right all the time, but you don't need to let failures consume your thoughts or deter you from trying tomorrow. I believe it's only failure if it stops you from trying again.
Friday, August 21, 2015
Disappointment and relief
I'm usually pretty open about our life on Facebook, but for some reason, I have been surprisingly quiet about a situation we were faced with recently. I've spent some time thinking about why I might be so reserved this time around. I don't know that I have an answer, but I believe it has something to do with protecting our birth mom from judgment.
You see, Brooke is pregnant. Yes, you read that right. Not only is she pregnant, but she is 8 months along and expecting a girl. When we received her letter in the mail, I was shell shocked. What do you do with that kind of information? The letter merely stated that she was expecting a girl in a little over a month. It didn't share her intent or make any requests of us. And yet, I spent the next three days praying, stressing, and contemplating what this could mean for my family.
Our lives are complete chaos about 90% of the time, how could we, in good conscience, add to that with another child? At the same time, how do we turn down the adoption of our boys' little sister? We've always talked about wanting a girl, but to have her come when we already have three boys??
I started getting angry. How could she do this to us? How could she put us in that position? What will people think if we adopt, or if we don't adopt?
If you haven't gathered already from previous posts, I am a worrier and a little bit of a planner (understatement of the year). A dear friend wrote me an amazing note that reminded me that I currently had nothing to worry about. Brooke had not shared her plans with us, so she could very likely be planning to parent (that concern is a whole other blog post). We had been very clear with her after Jake was born that we would not be in a place to adopt another child. But...what if she asked us? But, she hadn't. Stop worrying and ask God to take the burden from your shoulders.
Thankfully, God answered my prayers four days after we received that letter. I had written her back immediately, and included my phone number. I knew there was a solid chance that she had lost it, so I wanted to be sure she could contact me sooner than relying on snail mail. On that fourth day, my phone rang and the caller ID showed a number from her city. Holy cow! This is it! What if she asks us? What is she going to say? Stop asking questions and just answer the phone!
"Hi Katie! I just wanted to let you know that I've picked a really great family in New Hampshire to raise this little girl. Can I give them your number and address so they can keep in touch with your boys?"
Wow, not exactly what I was expecting.
Now, I'll admit, there is a certain amount of disappointment that she didn't ask us. Almost hurt. It's funny though, because we had already told her we couldn't adopt any more children. Why feel sadness over something that was probably not going to happen? We had basically decided that we would not be able to adopt this baby (no judgment, please, we had to consider our current family and the impact another adoption would have on everyone). After taking a few days to really think about it, I realized that there were a few things that I was grieving:
1. The loss of a daughter, or at least the possibility of parenting a daughter. I've said many times that I would struggle raising a girl, but it's still hard to accept when you are saying good-bye to that thought.
2. The potential loss of a sister for my boys. I can hope and pray that her adoptive family is open to a relationship with us, but it's totally up to them. They certainly don't have to have any communication. I think I've shared that they have three half-siblings that were born before CJ. I am definitely sad that they probably will never know those kids simply because we probably won't be able to find them (without the help of a private investigator). This hits a little closer because she is a full bio siblings of Jake & Alex. Plus, she is arriving after we have a relationship with Brooke, so it already feels like she is family. I really do hope that this family will keep in touch so that CJ, Alex and Jake can communicate with their little sister.
3. The fear of the unknown with this new adoptive family. I know the amount of love and support that we could provide, and that our family and friends provide. I have no idea who these people are. As hard as it is to say, this is not my worry. Brooke, along with an attorney, selected them for whatever reason, so she much believe that they are going to care for this little girl. I have to trust that she will be well cared for.
While I've gone through some sadness about this whole thing, in general, I am more relieved than anything else. I am so thankful that we did not have to make the decision. I cannot imagine how hard it would have been say no if Brooke had asked us to take the baby. At the same time, I cannot imagine adding a child to our family at this time.
God knew what our family could take on right now, and He made the decision for us.
This is just another facet of adoption that I would never have anticipated. When we brought CJ home, I would never have guessed that three more babies would have come after him. This has reminded me to withhold judgment when I hear of things that adoptive parents are dealing with. Every situation appears to have an easy or logical answer, but that is not always the case.
You see, Brooke is pregnant. Yes, you read that right. Not only is she pregnant, but she is 8 months along and expecting a girl. When we received her letter in the mail, I was shell shocked. What do you do with that kind of information? The letter merely stated that she was expecting a girl in a little over a month. It didn't share her intent or make any requests of us. And yet, I spent the next three days praying, stressing, and contemplating what this could mean for my family.
Our lives are complete chaos about 90% of the time, how could we, in good conscience, add to that with another child? At the same time, how do we turn down the adoption of our boys' little sister? We've always talked about wanting a girl, but to have her come when we already have three boys??
I started getting angry. How could she do this to us? How could she put us in that position? What will people think if we adopt, or if we don't adopt?
If you haven't gathered already from previous posts, I am a worrier and a little bit of a planner (understatement of the year). A dear friend wrote me an amazing note that reminded me that I currently had nothing to worry about. Brooke had not shared her plans with us, so she could very likely be planning to parent (that concern is a whole other blog post). We had been very clear with her after Jake was born that we would not be in a place to adopt another child. But...what if she asked us? But, she hadn't. Stop worrying and ask God to take the burden from your shoulders.
Thankfully, God answered my prayers four days after we received that letter. I had written her back immediately, and included my phone number. I knew there was a solid chance that she had lost it, so I wanted to be sure she could contact me sooner than relying on snail mail. On that fourth day, my phone rang and the caller ID showed a number from her city. Holy cow! This is it! What if she asks us? What is she going to say? Stop asking questions and just answer the phone!
"Hi Katie! I just wanted to let you know that I've picked a really great family in New Hampshire to raise this little girl. Can I give them your number and address so they can keep in touch with your boys?"
Wow, not exactly what I was expecting.
Now, I'll admit, there is a certain amount of disappointment that she didn't ask us. Almost hurt. It's funny though, because we had already told her we couldn't adopt any more children. Why feel sadness over something that was probably not going to happen? We had basically decided that we would not be able to adopt this baby (no judgment, please, we had to consider our current family and the impact another adoption would have on everyone). After taking a few days to really think about it, I realized that there were a few things that I was grieving:
1. The loss of a daughter, or at least the possibility of parenting a daughter. I've said many times that I would struggle raising a girl, but it's still hard to accept when you are saying good-bye to that thought.
2. The potential loss of a sister for my boys. I can hope and pray that her adoptive family is open to a relationship with us, but it's totally up to them. They certainly don't have to have any communication. I think I've shared that they have three half-siblings that were born before CJ. I am definitely sad that they probably will never know those kids simply because we probably won't be able to find them (without the help of a private investigator). This hits a little closer because she is a full bio siblings of Jake & Alex. Plus, she is arriving after we have a relationship with Brooke, so it already feels like she is family. I really do hope that this family will keep in touch so that CJ, Alex and Jake can communicate with their little sister.
3. The fear of the unknown with this new adoptive family. I know the amount of love and support that we could provide, and that our family and friends provide. I have no idea who these people are. As hard as it is to say, this is not my worry. Brooke, along with an attorney, selected them for whatever reason, so she much believe that they are going to care for this little girl. I have to trust that she will be well cared for.
While I've gone through some sadness about this whole thing, in general, I am more relieved than anything else. I am so thankful that we did not have to make the decision. I cannot imagine how hard it would have been say no if Brooke had asked us to take the baby. At the same time, I cannot imagine adding a child to our family at this time.
God knew what our family could take on right now, and He made the decision for us.
This is just another facet of adoption that I would never have anticipated. When we brought CJ home, I would never have guessed that three more babies would have come after him. This has reminded me to withhold judgment when I hear of things that adoptive parents are dealing with. Every situation appears to have an easy or logical answer, but that is not always the case.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
He is mine.
In adoption, there are often times when you experience thoughts and feelings that you would have never expected. Not that you expect things to go differently, just that you don't even consider that something will effect you. With CJ, I vividly remember how bittersweet our time was in the hospital following his birth. I knew we would be ecstatic as we welcomed our first child, but I hadn't considered how sad it would be as I watched Brooke say good-bye to her little boy.
Being our second and third adoptions, I kind of thought that I would be mentally and emotionally prepared. Nothing was going to surprise me this time around. Guess what...each adoption experience is different. Shocking, right?!
From the day we brought the boys home to the days we finalized their adoptions, I was too busy to really process what was happening. Now that we are reaching a "normal" pace, I am able to look at what happened over the past year.
I was talking with a friend last week, and I made a comment that basically said that I couldn't make a decision about Alex without checking first. She looked at me a little funny and I realized what I had just come out of my mouth (and what has clearly been resting in the back of my mind). I had forgotten that Alex is mine.
He was our foster son for 10 months before we were finally able to drop the "foster" part of that title (which I realize is short compared to what some families have to endure). During that time, I had to check in with our case worker before making any big decisions about his care. You get into the habit of pausing to think about what your case worker would say, do or suggest. The funny thing is, our case worker for Alex was pretty laid back about things because she knew we were going to adopt him. We really didn't have to deal with some of the red tape and processes that other foster parents had to deal with. Despite all that, I still find myself pausing before I contact a doctor, therapist or teacher. I sometimes feel like I need permission to make some of those big decisions. Why? Insecurity, possibly. Habit, probably.
Even though it was a relatively short time between placement and finalization, my only experience as his mom had included the requirement to follow state guidelines and procedures. I had never just been Alex's mom. I definitely complained about the policies and procedures, but I can now see that there was some security in that. I knew that I had a safety net. If something went wrong, I could drop it in someone else's lap. If there was a problem, someone else would help me deal with it.
Now? Now, it's just me and Matt. That's scary. It's like riding a bike for the first time after being used to training wheels. You may be ready to take those wheels off, but you still have those fears and doubts about how it will go.
While it can be intimidating to think about, I am grateful that we are able to simply live as a family. It is a responsibility that I don't take lightly, and one that I definitely do not take for granted. I'm sure one day I will not pause before making a decision, I won't feel the need to check in with someone. One day my brain will fully acknowledge what my heart already knows...that these boys are mine.
Being our second and third adoptions, I kind of thought that I would be mentally and emotionally prepared. Nothing was going to surprise me this time around. Guess what...each adoption experience is different. Shocking, right?!
From the day we brought the boys home to the days we finalized their adoptions, I was too busy to really process what was happening. Now that we are reaching a "normal" pace, I am able to look at what happened over the past year.
I was talking with a friend last week, and I made a comment that basically said that I couldn't make a decision about Alex without checking first. She looked at me a little funny and I realized what I had just come out of my mouth (and what has clearly been resting in the back of my mind). I had forgotten that Alex is mine.
He was our foster son for 10 months before we were finally able to drop the "foster" part of that title (which I realize is short compared to what some families have to endure). During that time, I had to check in with our case worker before making any big decisions about his care. You get into the habit of pausing to think about what your case worker would say, do or suggest. The funny thing is, our case worker for Alex was pretty laid back about things because she knew we were going to adopt him. We really didn't have to deal with some of the red tape and processes that other foster parents had to deal with. Despite all that, I still find myself pausing before I contact a doctor, therapist or teacher. I sometimes feel like I need permission to make some of those big decisions. Why? Insecurity, possibly. Habit, probably.
Even though it was a relatively short time between placement and finalization, my only experience as his mom had included the requirement to follow state guidelines and procedures. I had never just been Alex's mom. I definitely complained about the policies and procedures, but I can now see that there was some security in that. I knew that I had a safety net. If something went wrong, I could drop it in someone else's lap. If there was a problem, someone else would help me deal with it.
Now? Now, it's just me and Matt. That's scary. It's like riding a bike for the first time after being used to training wheels. You may be ready to take those wheels off, but you still have those fears and doubts about how it will go.
While it can be intimidating to think about, I am grateful that we are able to simply live as a family. It is a responsibility that I don't take lightly, and one that I definitely do not take for granted. I'm sure one day I will not pause before making a decision, I won't feel the need to check in with someone. One day my brain will fully acknowledge what my heart already knows...that these boys are mine.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
A Year in Review
I've been a little absent from this blog lately. It isn't that I haven't had things to say. There have been so many things that I've wanted to write about. It's just that, I have three kids. Not just three kids...three crazy, energetic boys who have been fighting like cats and dogs. I was at my breaking point. It's probably better that I didn't write anything because I'm sure it would not have been pretty.
As I laid in bed last night, after putting down my copy of Have a New Kid By Friday, I realized that we are just a normal family. Siblings fight. Children are disobedient. Moms want to hide in a closet just to find a few moments of peace. While this phase is driving me nuts, I am grateful that we finally feel like a family. It only took us a year...
The past year was easily the fastest and slowest year of my life. From the week I spent with Alex and Jake in Phoenix waiting for our ICPC clearance to the months when CJ acted out just to bring our attention back to himself to both adoption finalization hearings. I cannot believe how much has happened since last August 4th, the day we picked up Alex. As I think about all of the ups and downs, I can think of a few key things that I learned along the way.
1. I could not have done this on my own. Between my family and my "sister wives" and my MOPS group (and many, many more), a lot of people have contributed to helping us through this transition. From the moment we heard Jake was born, I had to start asking for help. It isn't easy. Pride wants you to think that you can handle it on your own, and you aren't a great mom if you can't. It is humbling to call someone and say "I cannot do this without you." I am so grateful that we have so many people who stepped up and offered support, meals, babysitting, and wine (my personal fave).
2. The transition is more like hiking through a mountain range, rather than clearing a single mountain. We started off in a honeymoon phase, and then reality set in, and then we found a groove and then one of the boys started having crazy tantrums. And then the cycle would continue. As soon as I felt like we were getting it, something else would happen and throw off our groove. While we are far from perfect, we are normal. I think we are nearing the end of our hike through this transition. While we will start a new hike through a new phase, I'm grateful we are moving forward.
3. I underestimated the challenges, as well as the blessings. I knew we were going to face difficult times, but I could not have anticipated what we experienced. I went to bed crying more times than I'd like to admit because I had no idea how we were going to make it through the next day. Somehow we did it, and kept on going. It wasn't until I was at a counseling appointment with Alex that I had a breakthrough. The therapist asked me about Alex's strengths. It had been a particularly challenging day, so it took me a minute. Once I got going, I developed a nice long list. It was at that moment that I realized that the only way I was going to make it through was to focus on the strengths. CJ's strengths, Alex's strengths, Jake's strengths, Matt's strengths, my strengths and our strengths as a family. I had to stop focusing on how hard it was and start appreciating the wonderful gifts and skills God gave to each of us. Once I changed my outlook, things got a little easier. It was still hard, and I still went to bed crying sometimes, but I started having more good days than bad.
As I look back and think about where we started, what we experienced, and how far we've come...I'm proud. I feel accomplished by the growth we've all seen over the course of the past year. There will always be transitions and stages that are challenging, but at least I know that I can handle it.
As I laid in bed last night, after putting down my copy of Have a New Kid By Friday, I realized that we are just a normal family. Siblings fight. Children are disobedient. Moms want to hide in a closet just to find a few moments of peace. While this phase is driving me nuts, I am grateful that we finally feel like a family. It only took us a year...
The past year was easily the fastest and slowest year of my life. From the week I spent with Alex and Jake in Phoenix waiting for our ICPC clearance to the months when CJ acted out just to bring our attention back to himself to both adoption finalization hearings. I cannot believe how much has happened since last August 4th, the day we picked up Alex. As I think about all of the ups and downs, I can think of a few key things that I learned along the way.
1. I could not have done this on my own. Between my family and my "sister wives" and my MOPS group (and many, many more), a lot of people have contributed to helping us through this transition. From the moment we heard Jake was born, I had to start asking for help. It isn't easy. Pride wants you to think that you can handle it on your own, and you aren't a great mom if you can't. It is humbling to call someone and say "I cannot do this without you." I am so grateful that we have so many people who stepped up and offered support, meals, babysitting, and wine (my personal fave).
2. The transition is more like hiking through a mountain range, rather than clearing a single mountain. We started off in a honeymoon phase, and then reality set in, and then we found a groove and then one of the boys started having crazy tantrums. And then the cycle would continue. As soon as I felt like we were getting it, something else would happen and throw off our groove. While we are far from perfect, we are normal. I think we are nearing the end of our hike through this transition. While we will start a new hike through a new phase, I'm grateful we are moving forward.
3. I underestimated the challenges, as well as the blessings. I knew we were going to face difficult times, but I could not have anticipated what we experienced. I went to bed crying more times than I'd like to admit because I had no idea how we were going to make it through the next day. Somehow we did it, and kept on going. It wasn't until I was at a counseling appointment with Alex that I had a breakthrough. The therapist asked me about Alex's strengths. It had been a particularly challenging day, so it took me a minute. Once I got going, I developed a nice long list. It was at that moment that I realized that the only way I was going to make it through was to focus on the strengths. CJ's strengths, Alex's strengths, Jake's strengths, Matt's strengths, my strengths and our strengths as a family. I had to stop focusing on how hard it was and start appreciating the wonderful gifts and skills God gave to each of us. Once I changed my outlook, things got a little easier. It was still hard, and I still went to bed crying sometimes, but I started having more good days than bad.
As I look back and think about where we started, what we experienced, and how far we've come...I'm proud. I feel accomplished by the growth we've all seen over the course of the past year. There will always be transitions and stages that are challenging, but at least I know that I can handle it.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Father's Day
I struggle with Mother's Day every year. My heart aches for Brooke, who I am confident, misses each of the children that she has delivered. As we prepare to celebrate Father's Day tomorrow, I realized that I do not feel that same way about the boys' birth fathers.
At first, I felt guilty that I didn't think of them as much. I mean, they share just as much DNA as Brooke does.
There is a big difference though...
Brooke was really affected by her decision to place the boys for adoption. I don't believe their birth fathers showed as much concern. Both men signed their termination papers as soon as possible. Neither put up a fight. Neither have attempted to contact us for updates.
I do have some of the same questions. Do they think about the boys? Do they have any regrets about their decision to place the boys? Will they want a relationship with the boys in the future?
Tomorrow, I will spend a moment thinking about both men. I will pray that they are safe, healthy and making good decisions in their lives. I will ask God that one day, they will be open to having a relationship with my boys (if the boys want that relationship). I will thank God that both men signed those termination papers, allowing us to parent their sweet boys.
At first, I felt guilty that I didn't think of them as much. I mean, they share just as much DNA as Brooke does.
There is a big difference though...
Brooke was really affected by her decision to place the boys for adoption. I don't believe their birth fathers showed as much concern. Both men signed their termination papers as soon as possible. Neither put up a fight. Neither have attempted to contact us for updates.
I do have some of the same questions. Do they think about the boys? Do they have any regrets about their decision to place the boys? Will they want a relationship with the boys in the future?
Tomorrow, I will spend a moment thinking about both men. I will pray that they are safe, healthy and making good decisions in their lives. I will ask God that one day, they will be open to having a relationship with my boys (if the boys want that relationship). I will thank God that both men signed those termination papers, allowing us to parent their sweet boys.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Introducing...Alex!
After almost 10 months of being hidden on social media, I would like to officially introduce you to our Alex.
Given that we've made him turn his head in so many pictures, it only seemed fair that we do the same for one.
For his finalization hearing, we had the same judge who finalized Jacob's adoption.
Praise the Lord, we are done!
Given that we've made him turn his head in so many pictures, it only seemed fair that we do the same for one.
For his finalization hearing, we had the same judge who finalized Jacob's adoption.
Praise the Lord, we are done!
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Finalization...finally!
We finally got word that Alex's adoption finalization has been scheduled. Praise the Lord! He will officially be a Fischer on June 3rd.
I did have a little bit of a scare today. Our social worker in Arizona let me know that there is one additional form that needs to be signed, but it must be done before we finalize. Are you kidding me? Is it possible that we will have to delay again?
Nope! Thankfully, the document that needs to be signed should arrive at our house on Saturday. We'll sign it and mail it back and it should arrive in plenty of time to be processed before June 3rd. Whew! That was a close call! We do have a few documents that will need to get to AZ by the end of next week, but we should not experience any delays.
It is a little weird to think that we will soon be done with home visits, licensing requirements, and calling in for update hearings. We won't need to get permission to leave the county (yes, county, not country). We don't need to carry a document that allows us to obtain medical services if the need should arrive.
While I am excited to be able to simply live our lives, I'm also a little nervous (and maybe a little sad) to say good-bye to the amazing support system that has been in place for the past 9 months. While we have to deal with a lot of processes and policies, we also have access to a lot of services. We'll still get some of the services, but it won't be the same. It's all on us now!
I look forward to being able to "introduce" you to Alex in two weeks!
I did have a little bit of a scare today. Our social worker in Arizona let me know that there is one additional form that needs to be signed, but it must be done before we finalize. Are you kidding me? Is it possible that we will have to delay again?
Nope! Thankfully, the document that needs to be signed should arrive at our house on Saturday. We'll sign it and mail it back and it should arrive in plenty of time to be processed before June 3rd. Whew! That was a close call! We do have a few documents that will need to get to AZ by the end of next week, but we should not experience any delays.
It is a little weird to think that we will soon be done with home visits, licensing requirements, and calling in for update hearings. We won't need to get permission to leave the county (yes, county, not country). We don't need to carry a document that allows us to obtain medical services if the need should arrive.
While I am excited to be able to simply live our lives, I'm also a little nervous (and maybe a little sad) to say good-bye to the amazing support system that has been in place for the past 9 months. While we have to deal with a lot of processes and policies, we also have access to a lot of services. We'll still get some of the services, but it won't be the same. It's all on us now!
I look forward to being able to "introduce" you to Alex in two weeks!
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Happy Mother's Day
My journey to motherhood was a long one. I do not for one second take for granted the title of "Mom;" a title I would not hold without a loving decision made by Brooke (our boys' birth mom).
Every year, in the midst of the celebrations, I feel a bit of sadness as I consider how today must feel for her. My mind goes back to the moment she handed CJ over to us. The tears in her eyes as she thanked us for loving her little boy. I think about the phone call asking for help with Alex, and the follow up call to let us know that she was pregnant with Jake. I reread the letters she has sent us that describe the pain and loss she feels, while at the same time the peace in knowing they are being loved and cared for.
While she will never read this post, I pray that she feels the love we have for her. The respect we have for her decision to place these boys with us, when she had other options that she could have considered. I hope that no matter what happens in her life, that she will remain in touch with our family because she is forever a part of it.
Every year, in the midst of the celebrations, I feel a bit of sadness as I consider how today must feel for her. My mind goes back to the moment she handed CJ over to us. The tears in her eyes as she thanked us for loving her little boy. I think about the phone call asking for help with Alex, and the follow up call to let us know that she was pregnant with Jake. I reread the letters she has sent us that describe the pain and loss she feels, while at the same time the peace in knowing they are being loved and cared for.
While she will never read this post, I pray that she feels the love we have for her. The respect we have for her decision to place these boys with us, when she had other options that she could have considered. I hope that no matter what happens in her life, that she will remain in touch with our family because she is forever a part of it.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Could this be it?
This morning, I begrudgingly wrote "compile licensing renewal paperwork" on my to-do list. If I'm being honest, I had been completely ignoring it for the past few weeks. While I didn't want to work on it, I knew that I need to have it started just in case Alex's adoption finalization happens after June 30th.
I got all of the kids down for their naps (yes, that's right, all three down at the same time) and I pulled out the licensing packet to start the process. As I went into my e-mail to gather a few documents, I noticed an e-mail from our case worker.
Our consent form was received by Clark County from Arizona, which was the missing piece when it came to finalization. Finally, a step in the right direction!
Our case worker gave me the green light to contact an attorney and two minutes later I was leaving a voice mail for the attorney's assistant. An hour later, she called back and I gave her the name of our case worker. Thirty minutes later, she called again to let me know that our case worker had already sent her all of the necessary documents and she was ready to prep our paperwork. After giving her a few pieces of information, she promised to have the document ready for us to sign on Friday. Once that is complete, we will wait to be assigned a judge and hearing date. Things are moving!!
Obviously, there can always be delays. I think the process of adopting Alex has proven that delays can be constant. However, I feel confident that we will complete his adoption by the end of June.
I cannot tell you how blessed I feel by the people who God has placed in this process. Our case worker is ah-mazing! Despite a heavy case load, she responds to requests and questions within the same day, whenever possible. She is flexible with visits. She genuinely cares about our case (which makes sense since she's been working on it for almost two years now). We had a great attorney for Jacob's finalization, but decided to work with an attorney who frequently works with county foster care cases. I've only been working with them for a day, but I'm already impressed. The assistant has gotten things to our case worker immediately and has been in contact with me several times today. I can already tell that I will like working with them.
This process has been tough, but the challenges and frustrations are starting to fade as I focus on how great it feels to be at the end.
I got all of the kids down for their naps (yes, that's right, all three down at the same time) and I pulled out the licensing packet to start the process. As I went into my e-mail to gather a few documents, I noticed an e-mail from our case worker.
Our consent form was received by Clark County from Arizona, which was the missing piece when it came to finalization. Finally, a step in the right direction!
Our case worker gave me the green light to contact an attorney and two minutes later I was leaving a voice mail for the attorney's assistant. An hour later, she called back and I gave her the name of our case worker. Thirty minutes later, she called again to let me know that our case worker had already sent her all of the necessary documents and she was ready to prep our paperwork. After giving her a few pieces of information, she promised to have the document ready for us to sign on Friday. Once that is complete, we will wait to be assigned a judge and hearing date. Things are moving!!
Obviously, there can always be delays. I think the process of adopting Alex has proven that delays can be constant. However, I feel confident that we will complete his adoption by the end of June.
I cannot tell you how blessed I feel by the people who God has placed in this process. Our case worker is ah-mazing! Despite a heavy case load, she responds to requests and questions within the same day, whenever possible. She is flexible with visits. She genuinely cares about our case (which makes sense since she's been working on it for almost two years now). We had a great attorney for Jacob's finalization, but decided to work with an attorney who frequently works with county foster care cases. I've only been working with them for a day, but I'm already impressed. The assistant has gotten things to our case worker immediately and has been in contact with me several times today. I can already tell that I will like working with them.
This process has been tough, but the challenges and frustrations are starting to fade as I focus on how great it feels to be at the end.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Seriously, how much longer??
It's been awhile since I've had anything to share. Sadly, I still have nothing to share other than some frustration I'm feeling about this process. It seems like it will never end!
Our foster license needs to be renewed this summer, and we were hoping that Alex's adoption would finalize before we needed to submit everything. I mean, I'm willing to do the work, but if we don't need to then why go through it? It sounded like we would not need to send in the paperwork (I'll share a list later, if you're interested), and so I filed the form away and didn't think about it again (which is why I'll have to share the list later; out of sight, out of mind).
Well, yesterday I received an e-mail that stated that the agency in AZ "hoped to finalize within the next six months." Seriously!? What could possibly be taking so long? Our adoption home study was completed and sent off to Arizona several weeks ago. I know they received it. I realize there are steps in this process, but it seems like we should just be filing paperwork to go to court at this point.
Our worker here in Clark County is wonderful and trying to get information to us as fast as she can get it, but when you are working between states, everything just takes longer.
For now, I'll just sit here and allow myself to feel frustrated for the next three minutes, and then I'll get up and start preparing our license renewal paperwork. One day we'll be done...
Our foster license needs to be renewed this summer, and we were hoping that Alex's adoption would finalize before we needed to submit everything. I mean, I'm willing to do the work, but if we don't need to then why go through it? It sounded like we would not need to send in the paperwork (I'll share a list later, if you're interested), and so I filed the form away and didn't think about it again (which is why I'll have to share the list later; out of sight, out of mind).
Well, yesterday I received an e-mail that stated that the agency in AZ "hoped to finalize within the next six months." Seriously!? What could possibly be taking so long? Our adoption home study was completed and sent off to Arizona several weeks ago. I know they received it. I realize there are steps in this process, but it seems like we should just be filing paperwork to go to court at this point.
Our worker here in Clark County is wonderful and trying to get information to us as fast as she can get it, but when you are working between states, everything just takes longer.
For now, I'll just sit here and allow myself to feel frustrated for the next three minutes, and then I'll get up and start preparing our license renewal paperwork. One day we'll be done...
Monday, April 6, 2015
Officially a Fischer!
Today, we welcomed a new family holiday...Jake's adoption finalization!
We started the process last April, when we first learned that Brooke was pregnant and asked that we adopt the baby. Now, a year later, that chapter of our life has closed and a new one has begun.
While I am so thankful to be finished, it does feel a bit surreal. I think I've made this comparison before, but it's kind of like getting married. You work for months and months on the planning and paperwork, and then suddenly it's all over. I know it sounds funny, but there is almost a moment of sadness that one "normal" is gone and we have to begin a new one.
I am so thankful for the hard work of Adoption Choices of Nevada, Adoption Choices of Arizona and Webster & Associates (our attorney). They made the process enjoyable and kept my stress levels low (or at least as low as possible).
We now wait for our final adoption finalization. We should be getting scheduled for Alex's hearing pretty soon, and have been told that it will be done by the end of June. I think the reality of it all will hit me at that point. Until then, I'm going to enjoy having one less process to worry about.
Thank you for your prayers as we've gone through this. I would not have made it through otherwise.
He's happy to officially be a Fischer!
A picture with our judge (Alex's face cannot be shown until his adoption is finalized).
We started the process last April, when we first learned that Brooke was pregnant and asked that we adopt the baby. Now, a year later, that chapter of our life has closed and a new one has begun.
While I am so thankful to be finished, it does feel a bit surreal. I think I've made this comparison before, but it's kind of like getting married. You work for months and months on the planning and paperwork, and then suddenly it's all over. I know it sounds funny, but there is almost a moment of sadness that one "normal" is gone and we have to begin a new one.
I am so thankful for the hard work of Adoption Choices of Nevada, Adoption Choices of Arizona and Webster & Associates (our attorney). They made the process enjoyable and kept my stress levels low (or at least as low as possible).
We now wait for our final adoption finalization. We should be getting scheduled for Alex's hearing pretty soon, and have been told that it will be done by the end of June. I think the reality of it all will hit me at that point. Until then, I'm going to enjoy having one less process to worry about.
Thank you for your prayers as we've gone through this. I would not have made it through otherwise.
He's happy to officially be a Fischer!
A picture with our judge (Alex's face cannot be shown until his adoption is finalized).
Friday, April 3, 2015
Where is the excitement?
We are a few days away from Jake's adoption finalization, which is really hard to believe. We've been working on this process for a year now. I feel like I should be more excited about it. Actually, I feel guilty that I don't feel more excited. When we adopted CJ, we had a countdown once we were given a court date. It was all I could think about in the days leading up to the hearing.
Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that the process is almost over. I look forward to seeing the last name Fischer on his birth certificate. I just wonder why we aren't making a bigger deal about this.
It could be that since we have been through this before, so we know what to expect. It is possible that it already feels official in my mind. Maybe it's because life is way crazier now, so we just don't have time to think about it. It is probably a combination of all three, especially the crazy life part.
Whatever the reason, I am trying not to let it bother me. I know that I love Jake. I know that I will be excited as we enter the courtroom on Monday. I know that we will celebrate with family and friends when the judge makes official what we knew the minute we picked him up...that he is a member of the Fischer family.
Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that the process is almost over. I look forward to seeing the last name Fischer on his birth certificate. I just wonder why we aren't making a bigger deal about this.
It could be that since we have been through this before, so we know what to expect. It is possible that it already feels official in my mind. Maybe it's because life is way crazier now, so we just don't have time to think about it. It is probably a combination of all three, especially the crazy life part.
Whatever the reason, I am trying not to let it bother me. I know that I love Jake. I know that I will be excited as we enter the courtroom on Monday. I know that we will celebrate with family and friends when the judge makes official what we knew the minute we picked him up...that he is a member of the Fischer family.
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