Yesterday was one of those days. You know, one of those days that you wish you could erase. It started at 3am, and lasted until 9pm. When I turned off my light and put my head on my pillow, all I could do was thank God it was over and pray that the next day would be better.
Going into this adoption scenario, I knew that we would experience tough moments. I knew that there would be challenging transition issues, and that all three kids would act out at times. The problem was, I didn't consider the chance that all three kids could possibly act out at the same time.
The two older boys each spent the day fighting for my attention, and throwing a fit if I dared play with the other. CJ chose to disobey every direction I gave him. Alex screamed whenever he was not allowed to do what he wanted. The baby did not want to be put down...at all.
By nap time, I was ready to lose it.
Thankfully, all three kids took a nap. While the naps only overlapped by 45 minutes, it was a peace that I appreciated. Sadly, as soon as nap time ended, so did my peace.
I'm not sure what side of the bed Alex woke up on, but it was not a pretty side. I'm still learning his preferences, including how he likes to wake up. Whatever I did was apparently wrong, and brought on a 45 minute scream-fest. I tried everything to get him to calm down, but nothing worked.
Once all three kids were up, I tried to get our day back on track. Surprisingly, I was able to start dinner on time. I was feeling pretty proud, until I started feeling extremely hot. At that moment, I really that our air conditioner was no longer working. Awesome. Three kids, dinner already in the oven, and a hot house. Seriously!?
By the time Matt got home, I could barely speak. I was frustrated, sad, confused, tired, hot, etc.
While the kids continued to act out, the house got hotter and I got more irritated as the night went on, I realized that my attitude was the only thing I could control at that moment. I apologized to everyone and attempted to regroup.
I'm not going to lie, I was grateful when I turned the lights out in the kids rooms, said good night, and headed downstairs for some alone time. When I sat down with my big 'ol bowl of ice cream, I thought about my attitude and behavior throughout the day. I was embarrassed. I could not believe that I had allowed myself to lose control. I was sad that I had not chosen to go to God for help. I chose to believe that I could handle it, and that did not get me very far.
I went to sleep last night asking God to help me in future days, knowing that I was going to face many of the same challenges. I prayed that I could hold it together, maintain calm and not lose it. Despite a LONG night, and waking up to the sound of CJ throwing up, today has been a lot better. I've been frustrated and angry, but I've kept my cool (for the most part).
Each day reminds me that I cannot go through this on my own. I know this is a season and that we will one day find our groove. I am trusting that God will provide me with the strength I need to make it through this challenging time. I look forward to the day when I can look back and say "remember when..."
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Overwhelmed...that may be an understatement!
I cannot even begin to describe how much life has changed in the last 10 days. On August 4th, we picked up Alex from his foster home and began the transition into life with more children. We had anticipated the baby arriving the same day, so we stayed in Phoenix a few extra days just in case. Within a few days, we realized that it would be easier to transition Alex at home (and we couldn't guarantee that the due date Brooke was given was accurate), so we drove back to Las Vegas. Literally, the next day, I got a call that little Jacob entered the world. Boom...family of 5.
With Matt getting ready to start the school year, we realized that he would not be able to come with me to pick Jacob up. Alex had to come with me because we cannot have anyone else watch him yet, so we decided to have CJ stay home with Matt. My amazing sister drove down with her boys to watch CJ while Matt was working. So with plans falling into place, Alex and I drove back to Phoenix (5 days after we left) to meet the newest Fischer.
Now, there are a lot of reasons I feel overwhelmed. I don't give you this list to get sympathy or praise. I simply need to purge.
1. I hate leaving Matt and CJ behind, especially at a time when I need Matt the most (and vice versa).
2. I'm still getting to know Alex, so life is very frustrating when he just yells because I am not understanding what he is trying to tell me.
3. I haven't had a newborn in 3 1/2 years. There is a lot I had forgotten (or maybe blocked).
4. I did not pack enough toys to keep Alex occupied and it is HOT outside. Cabin fever is taking over.
5. I don't actually know when I get to go home.
While I would love to simply complain, I know that for every difficulty, there is a blessing.
1. My sister was willing to leave her husband at home so she could care for my boys.
2. This is a great opportunity for me to learn more about Alex while the baby is sleeping so much. At home, he would be competing with CJ for attention.
3. The internet has a lot of information about raising newborns. :) It is also coming back to me a lot more than I had expected.
4. Matt's parents have been so helpful in entertaining Alex or holding the baby so I can tend to the other child. I also found a few free classes for Alex at places like Gymboree, so we'll keep busy. Plus, there is an Ikea just up the street and I can walk around there for hours!
5. The social workers in both states are working hard to get me home by Tuesday. There are no guarantees, but I know that they are doing their best.
The biggest blessing is that our boys will get to grow up with biological siblings! How amazing is that?
I'm already worried about life when we get home. CJ has not had the easiest time with all of these changes, and I feel so bad for putting him through it. I can only rely on prayer and the support of our friends and family to get us through these next few months. I can't wait for the day when I can look back and say "remember when..."
With Matt getting ready to start the school year, we realized that he would not be able to come with me to pick Jacob up. Alex had to come with me because we cannot have anyone else watch him yet, so we decided to have CJ stay home with Matt. My amazing sister drove down with her boys to watch CJ while Matt was working. So with plans falling into place, Alex and I drove back to Phoenix (5 days after we left) to meet the newest Fischer.
Now, there are a lot of reasons I feel overwhelmed. I don't give you this list to get sympathy or praise. I simply need to purge.
1. I hate leaving Matt and CJ behind, especially at a time when I need Matt the most (and vice versa).
2. I'm still getting to know Alex, so life is very frustrating when he just yells because I am not understanding what he is trying to tell me.
3. I haven't had a newborn in 3 1/2 years. There is a lot I had forgotten (or maybe blocked).
4. I did not pack enough toys to keep Alex occupied and it is HOT outside. Cabin fever is taking over.
5. I don't actually know when I get to go home.
While I would love to simply complain, I know that for every difficulty, there is a blessing.
1. My sister was willing to leave her husband at home so she could care for my boys.
2. This is a great opportunity for me to learn more about Alex while the baby is sleeping so much. At home, he would be competing with CJ for attention.
3. The internet has a lot of information about raising newborns. :) It is also coming back to me a lot more than I had expected.
4. Matt's parents have been so helpful in entertaining Alex or holding the baby so I can tend to the other child. I also found a few free classes for Alex at places like Gymboree, so we'll keep busy. Plus, there is an Ikea just up the street and I can walk around there for hours!
5. The social workers in both states are working hard to get me home by Tuesday. There are no guarantees, but I know that they are doing their best.
The biggest blessing is that our boys will get to grow up with biological siblings! How amazing is that?
I'm already worried about life when we get home. CJ has not had the easiest time with all of these changes, and I feel so bad for putting him through it. I can only rely on prayer and the support of our friends and family to get us through these next few months. I can't wait for the day when I can look back and say "remember when..."
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Future fears
Yesterday, I read an article about a 19-year old man in Orange County who died recently from using a drug called "K-2" or "spice." While the story was terribly sad, his death was not what scared me the most. What terrified me was the reason the article gave for his drug use. You see, this young man was adopted and had struggled to accept it and understand why his birthmother had made that choice. According to the article, at age 15, he went to a special boarding school to help him deal with the emotional issues that stemmed from knowing he was adopted. His birthmom had used drugs, and the article alluded to the fact that this may have contributed to his own issues with addiction.
Going into adoption, I knew that there were many potential issues that our future children could face. It had not dawned on me that some of these issues could be fatal.
As I sit here and think about what I read, I pray that I will know how to handle the questions that CJ and his brothers have about adoption. I hope that by having an open adoption, they feel more comfortable with their story.
Even now, as a 3-year old, I pray for CJ's future. I have started praying for the future of his brothers as well. Up until now, I had focused on faith, future wife and children, and career. Starting today, I am going to add to my prayers. I will fervently ask God to help CJ (and his brothers) understand why Brooke chose adoption and to realize it was a decision made in love. I will beg Him to keep the boys away from some of the demons that she has faced.
It still amazes me that after three years, I'm continue to find adoption-related issues/topics that I hadn't thought about initially. While there is no resource that can prepare someone completely, I hope that our experience can bring some issues to light for those who are not familiar with adoption.
Going into adoption, I knew that there were many potential issues that our future children could face. It had not dawned on me that some of these issues could be fatal.
As I sit here and think about what I read, I pray that I will know how to handle the questions that CJ and his brothers have about adoption. I hope that by having an open adoption, they feel more comfortable with their story.
Even now, as a 3-year old, I pray for CJ's future. I have started praying for the future of his brothers as well. Up until now, I had focused on faith, future wife and children, and career. Starting today, I am going to add to my prayers. I will fervently ask God to help CJ (and his brothers) understand why Brooke chose adoption and to realize it was a decision made in love. I will beg Him to keep the boys away from some of the demons that she has faced.
It still amazes me that after three years, I'm continue to find adoption-related issues/topics that I hadn't thought about initially. While there is no resource that can prepare someone completely, I hope that our experience can bring some issues to light for those who are not familiar with adoption.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Guilt and doubt
As we get closer to bringing Alex home, reality has started to set in. I've thought a lot about the impact all of this will have of our family. I've worried about making a successful transition for Alex. We've considered the financial implications of adding two children to our family. What I had not acknowledged was the impact all of this will have on Alex's current foster mom.
She has cared for him, as if he were her own child, for the past 16 months. She has seen him through some serious medical issues. She has helped him grown and develop. In other words, she cares deeply for him. From the beginning, she told us how wonderful it would be for him to have a relationship with his biological brother. Even as it became clear that we could get custody, she assured us that she would not attempt to adopt him (even though I think she would like to). She understood the importance of him being raised with family. While she may know that this is best, I know that she is already feeling the pain as she prepares to say good-bye.
After a recent text conversation with her, I sat down and really thought about the effect this move will have on her and her family. As I processed the various feelings that she may experience, I started to feel an incredible amount of guilt. Guilt is a normal part of adoption. Watching our birthmom hand us her child was one of the hardest things I've done. I felt so guilty that we were able to care for him and she was not able to. I felt guilty that we were so happy on one of the hardest days of her life. The guilt subsided a bit knowing that she really wasn't able to care for him at that time, and that she wanted us to parent him.
In this case, Alex will be taken from a stable, loving environment to be placed with us. He will be removed from all that he knows in order to live with his biological brother. As I pondered all this, I started to doubt if this was the best move for him. Is it fair of us to do this? Would he be better off being adopted by his current foster family? I prayed that God would make it clear to me that this really was the best decision for him.
I don't know that God has put a sign in front of me to show that we are doing the right thing, but I do believe that we are. First and foremost, his birthparents asked us to parent him. They chose us to raise him so that he could grow up with his brothers. It would not be fair to go against their wishes (since we are willing) just because we are scared or we feel bad. Second, he is young enough that he will probably not remember any of this as he gets older.
I hope to continue a relationship with his foster mom for many years to come. I'm not sure she will ever understand how much she has done for me over the past year and a half. I don't know that I will be able to explain to her how much she means to our family. I just pray that she continues to foster children for a long time. This world needs more women like her!
She has cared for him, as if he were her own child, for the past 16 months. She has seen him through some serious medical issues. She has helped him grown and develop. In other words, she cares deeply for him. From the beginning, she told us how wonderful it would be for him to have a relationship with his biological brother. Even as it became clear that we could get custody, she assured us that she would not attempt to adopt him (even though I think she would like to). She understood the importance of him being raised with family. While she may know that this is best, I know that she is already feeling the pain as she prepares to say good-bye.
After a recent text conversation with her, I sat down and really thought about the effect this move will have on her and her family. As I processed the various feelings that she may experience, I started to feel an incredible amount of guilt. Guilt is a normal part of adoption. Watching our birthmom hand us her child was one of the hardest things I've done. I felt so guilty that we were able to care for him and she was not able to. I felt guilty that we were so happy on one of the hardest days of her life. The guilt subsided a bit knowing that she really wasn't able to care for him at that time, and that she wanted us to parent him.
In this case, Alex will be taken from a stable, loving environment to be placed with us. He will be removed from all that he knows in order to live with his biological brother. As I pondered all this, I started to doubt if this was the best move for him. Is it fair of us to do this? Would he be better off being adopted by his current foster family? I prayed that God would make it clear to me that this really was the best decision for him.
I don't know that God has put a sign in front of me to show that we are doing the right thing, but I do believe that we are. First and foremost, his birthparents asked us to parent him. They chose us to raise him so that he could grow up with his brothers. It would not be fair to go against their wishes (since we are willing) just because we are scared or we feel bad. Second, he is young enough that he will probably not remember any of this as he gets older.
I hope to continue a relationship with his foster mom for many years to come. I'm not sure she will ever understand how much she has done for me over the past year and a half. I don't know that I will be able to explain to her how much she means to our family. I just pray that she continues to foster children for a long time. This world needs more women like her!
Friday, July 18, 2014
Moving forward
As you know, the baby is due in just over two weeks. With such a short time frame, I've been a little nervous about completing the home study before the baby arrives. Thankfully, we are working with an amazing agency that has assured me that we will be done in time.
Wednesday, I got word that our file was being assigned to a caseworker. Now, my gut reaction was to send an immediate e-mail introducing myself and hinting at the fact that we need this done ASAP. I was good, and did nothing. I realized that she would need some time to review our file, so my goal was to be patient. Within a few hours, she had already contacted me about setting up a meeting. Amazing! We ended up being able to schedule my individual interview for the next morning.
I've gone through home study interviews a few times, three to be exact, so I wasn't too nervous. I knew what questions were coming my way. What never goes away is the fear of having your answers judged and analyzed. That is just something that I had to get over.
You may wonder what questions were asked. You may not, but I'm going to share anyway. She broke up the questions based on the different aspects of my life. We started by talking about me - my likes, strengths, proud moments, etc. From there we moved into relationships with my family. We talked about my life as a mom - how has parenting changed me, what has been challenging, etc. We finished by talking about my marriage. This is where things got REAL personal. Like, stuff I don't share with my girlfriends personal. While it was a little weird answering her questions, I knew her reasoning for asking everything. She wanted to be sure that our marriage was in a good place so that we would be bringing the kids into a healthy environment.
Well, I survived my individual interview. Our caseworker will be coming over this weekend for Matt's individual appointment and our joint session. After that, we'll be pretty much done! It is crazy to think that we were able to finish a home study so quickly. Our home study with CJ lasted a few months. God is definitely guiding this process!
I'm not sure if I shared this before, but our foster license for Alex came through. Now, we are just waiting to hear from Arizona about when we should pick him up. The next hearing is in two weeks, so we are assuming that we'll head down around that time. It's looking like we'll get both boys around the same time.
As always, I'll keep you posted!
Wednesday, I got word that our file was being assigned to a caseworker. Now, my gut reaction was to send an immediate e-mail introducing myself and hinting at the fact that we need this done ASAP. I was good, and did nothing. I realized that she would need some time to review our file, so my goal was to be patient. Within a few hours, she had already contacted me about setting up a meeting. Amazing! We ended up being able to schedule my individual interview for the next morning.
I've gone through home study interviews a few times, three to be exact, so I wasn't too nervous. I knew what questions were coming my way. What never goes away is the fear of having your answers judged and analyzed. That is just something that I had to get over.
You may wonder what questions were asked. You may not, but I'm going to share anyway. She broke up the questions based on the different aspects of my life. We started by talking about me - my likes, strengths, proud moments, etc. From there we moved into relationships with my family. We talked about my life as a mom - how has parenting changed me, what has been challenging, etc. We finished by talking about my marriage. This is where things got REAL personal. Like, stuff I don't share with my girlfriends personal. While it was a little weird answering her questions, I knew her reasoning for asking everything. She wanted to be sure that our marriage was in a good place so that we would be bringing the kids into a healthy environment.
Well, I survived my individual interview. Our caseworker will be coming over this weekend for Matt's individual appointment and our joint session. After that, we'll be pretty much done! It is crazy to think that we were able to finish a home study so quickly. Our home study with CJ lasted a few months. God is definitely guiding this process!
I'm not sure if I shared this before, but our foster license for Alex came through. Now, we are just waiting to hear from Arizona about when we should pick him up. The next hearing is in two weeks, so we are assuming that we'll head down around that time. It's looking like we'll get both boys around the same time.
As always, I'll keep you posted!
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Sometimes parenting sucks!
Sometimes, parenting just sucks. I tried to think of a nicer way to say it, but I'm at a loss. Parenting is tough!
Lately, living with CJ has been like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is sweet and loving one minute, and then he turns around and scratches me because I didn't give him a second helping of crackers. He has been mean toward his friends, taking swings at them if he isn't happy about something. He talks back to me all the time.
I am struggling.
I would like to think that I am consistent in disciplining him when he acts up. When he disobeys, I act quickly and firmly. I have tried a variety of discipline techniques. I have limited his sugar intake. I religiously use essential oils on him. Nothing has seemed to make a lasting impact on him.
I understand that part of the issue is that he is 3-years old. I know being an only child does not help. While both may be true, they are also excuses. I know plenty of 3-year old kids that are respectful and kind.
What am I doing wrong?
No matter how hard I analyze my parenting style, I'm not sure that I am going to find an answer. For now, I am going to keep disciplining bad behavior and praising good behavior. I will also pray hard each day that CJ can act in a way that pleases God...and that I can do the same.
Lately, living with CJ has been like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is sweet and loving one minute, and then he turns around and scratches me because I didn't give him a second helping of crackers. He has been mean toward his friends, taking swings at them if he isn't happy about something. He talks back to me all the time.
I am struggling.
I would like to think that I am consistent in disciplining him when he acts up. When he disobeys, I act quickly and firmly. I have tried a variety of discipline techniques. I have limited his sugar intake. I religiously use essential oils on him. Nothing has seemed to make a lasting impact on him.
I understand that part of the issue is that he is 3-years old. I know being an only child does not help. While both may be true, they are also excuses. I know plenty of 3-year old kids that are respectful and kind.
What am I doing wrong?
No matter how hard I analyze my parenting style, I'm not sure that I am going to find an answer. For now, I am going to keep disciplining bad behavior and praising good behavior. I will also pray hard each day that CJ can act in a way that pleases God...and that I can do the same.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
It's OK to ask for help!
Last week was one of the most draining of my life. As you know, we are in the process of getting licensed as a foster home while, at the same time, getting our paperwork together to start a home study with a private adoption agency. That alone has given me anxiety, but adding in a medical emergency nearly put me over the edge. Despite Matt being in the hospital for three days, I managed to survive, but only with the help of an amazing community.
I am not the mom who asks for help, even when I desperately need it. I do not easily admit when I am in over my head. I like to think that I can keep it together at all times. It was during the craziness of last week that God reminded me that I am not Supermom, nor should I try to be. He has blessed me with a community of family and friends that support my family through any situation we may encounter. Between prayer, childcare and food, I was overwhelmed by the help we received (and continue to receive).
I know how busy everyone is, which makes it even more special that they dropped things to help us. Being able to text friends and ask if they could watch CJ in the next 30 minutes is such a blessing. For one of my friends, I literally showed up on her doorstep at 9pm with CJ's pillow and asked if he could spend the night. Without hesitation, my friends said "yes." Within hours of being at the hospital, we had a meal schedule planned out. One friend even washed the dishes in my sink while she watched CJ.
When the insanity wore off, and life returned to "normal," I stopped to think about what I should take away from this experience. And then it hit me...God may just be preparing me for what is coming in 3-4 weeks. When we suddenly add two children to our family, I will most definitely need to ask for help. Maybe this was just a trial run to help me prep what for what is next. Whatever the reason, I'm glad I was reminded that that we all need to ask for help sometimes.
I am not the mom who asks for help, even when I desperately need it. I do not easily admit when I am in over my head. I like to think that I can keep it together at all times. It was during the craziness of last week that God reminded me that I am not Supermom, nor should I try to be. He has blessed me with a community of family and friends that support my family through any situation we may encounter. Between prayer, childcare and food, I was overwhelmed by the help we received (and continue to receive).
I know how busy everyone is, which makes it even more special that they dropped things to help us. Being able to text friends and ask if they could watch CJ in the next 30 minutes is such a blessing. For one of my friends, I literally showed up on her doorstep at 9pm with CJ's pillow and asked if he could spend the night. Without hesitation, my friends said "yes." Within hours of being at the hospital, we had a meal schedule planned out. One friend even washed the dishes in my sink while she watched CJ.
When the insanity wore off, and life returned to "normal," I stopped to think about what I should take away from this experience. And then it hit me...God may just be preparing me for what is coming in 3-4 weeks. When we suddenly add two children to our family, I will most definitely need to ask for help. Maybe this was just a trial run to help me prep what for what is next. Whatever the reason, I'm glad I was reminded that that we all need to ask for help sometimes.
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