Love and Logic

To say that things have been out of control in our house may be putting it mildly. The two older boys are acting out (which is to be expected) and the baby seems to have a touch of colic. Awesome, right? Usually, we can make it until around 4pm, but that is our "witching hour." The time when all hell breaks loose and the kids (and I) lose our minds. As I've shared in past posts, I've allowed myself to get angry and raise my voice more often than I'd like to admit. Last weekend, I had had enough. I knew it was time for a new strategy.

At MOPS two years ago, we had a speaker come to teach us about Love and Logic. This parenting style was very different from what came naturally to me, and I kind of wrote it off at the time. Now that I am outnumbered, I'm willing to try anything.

As you probably know, we are foster parents to Alex until his adoption is finalized. Being accountable to state laws limits the methods of discipline that we are able to use. That is not to say that we went crazy with spanking when disciplining CJ, but it was something that we've used in the past. In recent months, we noticed that spanking just doesn't work. We had to try something new.

I went to the library and got Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim Fay & Charles Fay. I am hesitant to try to explain the concepts, for fear of interpreting it incorrectly. Here are a few things I've taken from the book:

*Children are given choices as much as possible so that when you need to make the decision, they are more responsive. Choices don't need to be life-altering, but you do need to be comfortable with either choice they make. Do you want PB & J or a quesadilla for lunch? Would you like to take your nap in 5 minutes or 10 minutes? Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?
*Consequences are delivered immediately and with empathy. If one of the boys throws a toy, I would say "That is really sad that you aren't going to be able to play with that toy anymore." I then take the toy away and they do not get it back until the next day. For some of the more serious offenses, the consequence is a timeout in their room. I tell them a rule one time, after that, any bad choices are met with a consequence.
*Anger is removed from interactions because it does no good, and actually shows the kids that you have lost control. This is probably the toughest one of all. It is so easy to let the kids get to you when they are screaming in your face or purposely making bad choices. If needed, I take a few seconds before I say or do anything.

We're four days in to this new parenting style, but already I like it. The boys are doing a little better, but the biggest change I've seen is with myself. On Monday, Matt got home from work and I was not in a good place. I hate having him come home to a tense situation. He's had a long day, and definitely doesn't want to walk into a firestorm. Tuesday, he got home and even though the boys had been a little crazy, I was relaxed and happy. I even felt a little empowered after giving out consequences without getting upset.

Obviously, this may not work for everyone. The book even tells you to not attempt to institute all of the concepts at one time. If you can find one thing that works for you, then I'd consider that a win. Happy parenting!