Regression

When we agreed to welcome Alex into our family, we knew that there would be challenges. It was obvious that removing an 18-month old from an environment he is used to, and completely turning his world upside down, would be very hard on him. We did our best to mentally prepare for handling those situations.

What I was not prepared for was regression five weeks into it. Since picking him up and bringing him home, we've had some intense ups and downs. Up until this past weekend, I thought we had been making some serious progress. And then the weekend happened.

Saturday night was one of the hardest I've had in a long time. Screaming for no reason, throwing anything he could get his hands on, and trying to bite me - just a few of the wonderful moments we experienced. Frustration got the best of me and I went to bed ANGRY. Angry that it appeared we had made no progress. Angry that no methods were helping. Ultimately, angry that I had no control over this.

I had never considered the possibility that he was going to take a few steps forward and a lot of steps back. I just assumed we would jump back at the beginning and move forward from there. I also didn't realize that his regression would make me feel like a failure. I should be able to handle this...why is it so hard?

As I went to bed that night, my sweet husband offered to pray with, and for, me. We said "Amen" and then "goodnight" and I lay there going over the day's events. I wished someone had told me that it could get worse before it gets better. I was disappointed that I hadn't done more homework on how this could play out.

When I finished beating myself up, I realized that no amount of preparation can really prepare you for what will happen. Every child is different and every child has their own way of handling stress. My son's method, unfortunately, is a little more aggressive than I was prepared for. Instead of being hard on myself and wallowing in my own self-pity, I decided to try a few things each day:

1. I will pray for my children. I do pray for them, but not as much as I need to right now. Our family is going through some stuff, and only God is able to take care of us at this point. I'm going to pray that Alex can find his place in our family and that we can learn how to help him manage this transition. I will pray that CJ remains calm and doesn't get frustrated by the chaos in our home. I pray that Jacob will grow into a boy who loves Jesus.

2. I will start each days as a blank slate. What happened yesterday does not matter. If God forgets my sins, I can forget the bad choices my kids made the day before. It does me no good to dwell on the past.

3. I will remain calm. This is, by far, the hardest one. When a child screams at me for 30 minutes at a time, the last thing I want to do is remain calm. But I have to ask myself, "what good will it do for me to get upset?" The answer...not a bit of good.

4. I will focus on the positive things that are happening in our family. For every hard moment, there are several great ones. When I think about those things, the rest of it doesn't seem so bad.

Your prayers are appreciated as we keep moving forward in this process. I am hopeful that we will soon see progress again. As I go through all of this, it only further cements my desire to write a book and share our experiences with adoption and foster care. If only I had time to really sit down and write...