Regression

When we agreed to welcome Alex into our family, we knew that there would be challenges. It was obvious that removing an 18-month old from an environment he is used to, and completely turning his world upside down, would be very hard on him. We did our best to mentally prepare for handling those situations.

What I was not prepared for was regression five weeks into it. Since picking him up and bringing him home, we've had some intense ups and downs. Up until this past weekend, I thought we had been making some serious progress. And then the weekend happened.

Saturday night was one of the hardest I've had in a long time. Screaming for no reason, throwing anything he could get his hands on, and trying to bite me - just a few of the wonderful moments we experienced. Frustration got the best of me and I went to bed ANGRY. Angry that it appeared we had made no progress. Angry that no methods were helping. Ultimately, angry that I had no control over this.

I had never considered the possibility that he was going to take a few steps forward and a lot of steps back. I just assumed we would jump back at the beginning and move forward from there. I also didn't realize that his regression would make me feel like a failure. I should be able to handle this...why is it so hard?

As I went to bed that night, my sweet husband offered to pray with, and for, me. We said "Amen" and then "goodnight" and I lay there going over the day's events. I wished someone had told me that it could get worse before it gets better. I was disappointed that I hadn't done more homework on how this could play out.

When I finished beating myself up, I realized that no amount of preparation can really prepare you for what will happen. Every child is different and every child has their own way of handling stress. My son's method, unfortunately, is a little more aggressive than I was prepared for. Instead of being hard on myself and wallowing in my own self-pity, I decided to try a few things each day:

1. I will pray for my children. I do pray for them, but not as much as I need to right now. Our family is going through some stuff, and only God is able to take care of us at this point. I'm going to pray that Alex can find his place in our family and that we can learn how to help him manage this transition. I will pray that CJ remains calm and doesn't get frustrated by the chaos in our home. I pray that Jacob will grow into a boy who loves Jesus.

2. I will start each days as a blank slate. What happened yesterday does not matter. If God forgets my sins, I can forget the bad choices my kids made the day before. It does me no good to dwell on the past.

3. I will remain calm. This is, by far, the hardest one. When a child screams at me for 30 minutes at a time, the last thing I want to do is remain calm. But I have to ask myself, "what good will it do for me to get upset?" The answer...not a bit of good.

4. I will focus on the positive things that are happening in our family. For every hard moment, there are several great ones. When I think about those things, the rest of it doesn't seem so bad.

Your prayers are appreciated as we keep moving forward in this process. I am hopeful that we will soon see progress again. As I go through all of this, it only further cements my desire to write a book and share our experiences with adoption and foster care. If only I had time to really sit down and write...

Little Eyes

Lately, CJ has really taken to "parenting" his Mickey Mouse doll. This doll has been very special for a long time now, but he's never taken care of it. It is so awesome to watch, especially when he tries to mimic what I'm doing for Jake. He calms Mickey using the same sayings that I use. He asked me for a bottle yesterday so that he could feed him. In the middle of each feeding, he stops to burp him. Usually, he'll put Mickey into the baby swing after a feeding so he can sleep. Today, he put Mickey in a hat and held it up to his belly to create a carrier. While all of this is adorable, my favorite is when he gets mad at us for waking Mickey up. Umm, I'm pretty sure that is the pot calling the kettle black, but I digress.

As I watched him this afternoon, it hit me just how much he watches me. He is so careful to care for Mickey exactly just as I care for Jake. After feeling all warm and tingly about it, I got a little terrified. If he's watching this carefully, am I showing him the best example of parenting? A lot of the time, the answer is a resounding "NO." Wow, what a hit to the gut. I was convicted. In that moment, I realized that little eyes are always watching me. The parent that I am today will most likely be the parent they are down the road. What do I want them to take away from this?

Parenting is already a lot of pressure, but sometimes I only think of that pressure in the here and now. I forget the lasting impact it could have. While that thought should terrify me, it provided me with some good motivation to check myself when I start to feel frustrated. With three children, frustration comes on hard and fast, but my reaction does not need to. I am hoping that I can find a way to cope with their behavior that allows me to show them the love of Christ, no matter how I am feeling on the inside.

The Power of Words

Over the past four weeks, I have really questioned my parenting ability (along with my sanity). Our family life has been a roller coaster - a few good moments in between a lot of tough ones. It's easy to feel good about yourself when things are going really well, but how do you maintain a level of confidence when you feel like your house is falling apart?

Over the past few weeks, I have found my answer...words of encouragement.

As moms, I think it is vital to hear that we aren't ruining our kids. We need to know that we are doing a good job, no matter how we feel. We need to be told to keep on keepin' on. While it is wonderful to hear that from a spouse, it doesn't always have the same impact. There is something special about hearing it from another mom; someone else who has been in the same trenches and felt as inept, unqualified, etc. as you feel right now.

We, as moms, hold lot of power with our words. We can very quickly cut down, but we can also build up just as fast. I hope that I remember just how helpful it was to hear words of encouragement from my friends as we have adjusted to our family of five. I don't want to forget the moments when a text from a friend helped stopped the tears that were running down my face as all three kids were melting down. I hope that as I talk with moms, I can provide them with the same encouraging words to let them know that they will make it through whatever season they are experiencing.

One of those days...

Yesterday was one of those days. You know, one of those days that you wish you could erase. It started at 3am, and lasted until 9pm. When I turned off my light and put my head on my pillow, all I could do was thank God it was over and pray that the next day would be better.

Going into this adoption scenario, I knew that we would experience tough moments. I knew that there would be challenging transition issues, and that all three kids would act out at times. The problem was, I didn't consider the chance that all three kids could possibly act out at the same time.

The two older boys each spent the day fighting for my attention, and throwing a fit if I dared play with the other. CJ chose to disobey every direction I gave him. Alex screamed whenever he was not allowed to do what he wanted. The baby did not want to be put down...at all.

By nap time, I was ready to lose it.

Thankfully, all three kids took a nap. While the naps only overlapped by 45 minutes, it was a peace that I appreciated. Sadly, as soon as nap time ended, so did my peace.

I'm not sure what side of the bed Alex woke up on, but it was not a pretty side. I'm still learning his preferences, including how he likes to wake up. Whatever I did was apparently wrong, and brought on a 45 minute scream-fest. I tried everything to get him to calm down, but nothing worked.

Once all three kids were up, I tried to get our day back on track. Surprisingly, I was able to start dinner on time. I was feeling pretty proud, until I started feeling extremely hot. At that moment, I really that our air conditioner was no longer working. Awesome. Three kids, dinner already in the oven, and a hot house. Seriously!?

By the time Matt got home, I could barely speak. I was frustrated, sad, confused, tired, hot, etc.

While the kids continued to act out, the house got hotter and I got more irritated as the night went on, I realized that my attitude was the only thing I could control at that moment. I apologized to everyone and attempted to regroup.

I'm not going to lie, I was grateful when I turned the lights out in the kids rooms, said good night, and headed downstairs for some alone time. When I sat down with my big 'ol bowl of ice cream, I thought about my attitude and behavior throughout the day. I was embarrassed. I could not believe that I had allowed myself to lose control. I was sad that I had not chosen to go to God for help. I chose to believe that I could handle it, and that did not get me very far.

I went to sleep last night asking God to help me in future days, knowing that I was going to face many of the same challenges. I prayed that I could hold it together, maintain calm and not lose it. Despite a LONG night, and waking up to the sound of CJ throwing up, today has been a lot better. I've been frustrated and angry, but I've kept my cool (for the most part).

Each day reminds me that I cannot go through this on my own. I know this is a season and that we will one day find our groove. I am trusting that God will provide me with the strength I need to make it through this challenging time. I look forward to the day when I can look back and say "remember when..."

Overwhelmed...that may be an understatement!

I cannot even begin to describe how much life has changed in the last 10 days. On August 4th, we picked up Alex from his foster home and began the transition into life with more children. We had anticipated the baby arriving the same day, so we stayed in Phoenix a few extra days just in case. Within a few days, we realized that it would be easier to transition Alex at home (and we couldn't guarantee that the due date Brooke was given was accurate), so we drove back to Las Vegas. Literally, the next day, I got a call that little Jacob entered the world. Boom...family of 5.

With Matt getting ready to start the school year, we realized that he would not be able to come with me to pick Jacob up. Alex had to come with me because we cannot have anyone else watch him yet, so we decided to have CJ stay home with Matt. My amazing sister drove down with her boys to watch CJ while Matt was working. So with plans falling into place, Alex and I drove back to Phoenix (5 days after we left) to meet the newest Fischer.

Now, there are a lot of reasons I feel overwhelmed. I don't give you this list to get sympathy or praise. I simply need to purge.

1. I hate leaving Matt and CJ behind, especially at a time when I need Matt the most (and vice versa).
2. I'm still getting to know Alex, so life is very frustrating when he just yells because I am not understanding what he is trying to tell me.
3. I haven't had a newborn in 3 1/2 years. There is a lot I had forgotten (or maybe blocked).
4. I did not pack enough toys to keep Alex occupied and it is HOT outside. Cabin fever is taking over.
5. I don't actually know when I get to go home.

While I would love to simply complain, I know that for every difficulty, there is a blessing.

1. My sister was willing to leave her husband at home so she could care for my boys.
2. This is a great opportunity for me to learn more about Alex while the baby is sleeping so much. At home, he would be competing with CJ for attention.
3. The internet has a lot of information about raising newborns. :) It is also coming back to me a lot more than I had expected.
4. Matt's parents have been so helpful in entertaining Alex or holding the baby so I can tend to the other child. I also found a few free classes for Alex at places like Gymboree, so we'll keep busy. Plus, there is an Ikea just up the street and I can walk around there for hours!
5. The social workers in both states are working hard to get me home by Tuesday. There are no guarantees, but I know that they are doing their best.

The biggest blessing is that our boys will get to grow up with biological siblings! How amazing is that?

I'm already worried about life when we get home. CJ has not had the easiest time with all of these changes, and I feel so bad for putting him through it. I can only rely on prayer and the support of our friends and family to get us through these next few months. I can't wait for the day when I can look back and say "remember when..."

Future fears

Yesterday, I read an article about a 19-year old man in Orange County who died recently from using a drug called "K-2" or "spice." While the story was terribly sad, his death was not what scared me the most. What terrified me was the reason the article gave for his drug use. You see, this young man was adopted and had struggled to accept it and understand why his birthmother had made that choice. According to the article, at age 15, he went to a special boarding school to help him deal with the emotional issues that stemmed from knowing he was adopted. His birthmom had used drugs, and the article alluded to the fact that this may have contributed to his own issues with addiction.

Going into adoption, I knew that there were many potential issues that our future children could face. It had not dawned on me that some of these issues could be fatal.

As I sit here and think about what I read, I pray that I will know how to handle the questions that CJ and his brothers have about adoption. I hope that by having an open adoption, they feel more comfortable with their story.

Even now, as a 3-year old, I pray for CJ's future. I have started praying for the future of his brothers as well. Up until now, I had focused on faith, future wife and children, and career. Starting today, I am going to add to my prayers. I will fervently ask God to help CJ (and his brothers) understand why Brooke chose adoption and to realize it was a decision made in love. I will beg Him to keep the boys away from some of the demons that she has faced.

It still amazes me that after three years, I'm continue to find adoption-related issues/topics that I hadn't thought about initially. While there is no resource that can prepare someone completely, I hope that our experience can bring some issues to light for those who are not familiar with adoption.

Guilt and doubt

As we get closer to bringing Alex home, reality has started to set in. I've thought a lot about the impact all of this will have of our family. I've worried about making a successful transition for Alex. We've considered the financial implications of adding two children to our family. What I had not acknowledged was the impact all of this will have on Alex's current foster mom.

She has cared for him, as if he were her own child, for the past 16 months. She has seen him through some serious medical issues. She has helped him grown and develop. In other words, she cares deeply for him. From the beginning, she told us how wonderful it would be for him to have a relationship with his biological brother. Even as it became clear that we could get custody, she assured us that she would not attempt to adopt him (even though I think she would like to). She understood the importance of him being raised with family. While she may know that this is best, I know that she is already feeling the pain as she prepares to say good-bye.

After a recent text conversation with her, I sat down and really thought about the effect this move will have on her and her family. As I processed the various feelings that she may experience, I started to feel an incredible amount of guilt. Guilt is a normal part of adoption. Watching our birthmom hand us her child was one of the hardest things I've done. I felt so guilty that we were able to care for him and she was not able to. I felt guilty that we were so happy on one of the hardest days of her life. The guilt subsided a bit knowing that she really wasn't able to care for him at that time, and that she wanted us to parent him.

In this case, Alex will be taken from a stable, loving environment to be placed with us. He will be removed from all that he knows in order to live with his biological brother. As I pondered all this, I started to doubt if this was the best move for him. Is it fair of us to do this? Would he be better off being adopted by his current foster family? I prayed that God would make it clear to me that this really was the best decision for him.

I don't know that God has put a sign in front of me to show that we are doing the right thing, but I do believe that we are. First and foremost, his birthparents asked us to parent him. They chose us to raise him so that he could grow up with his brothers. It would not be fair to go against their wishes (since we are willing) just because we are scared or we feel bad. Second, he is young enough that he will probably not remember any of this as he gets older.

I hope to continue a relationship with his foster mom for many years to come. I'm not sure she will ever understand how much she has done for me over the past year and a half. I don't know that I will be able to explain to her how much she means to our family. I just pray that she continues to foster children for a long time. This world needs more women like her!