Keeping in Touch

Quite a few people ask me about our relationship with Brooke, CJ's birth mom. As I've mentioned in previous posts, my mindset has changed drastically from when we first started the adoption process. As CJ gets older, I feel an even greater need to keep in touch with her. Our contact with her has been spotty at best. I have to recognize that we are not her first priority. Our visits have to be when she feels comfortable. In our original plan, we scheduled meeting every other month for the first year. It ended up being three meetings, at months 1, 2 and 9.

Just before CJ's first birthday, we really wanted to connect with Brooke again. That is a special day for our family, and she is a big part of it. We wanted to celebrate with her. When I tried to call, the phone number was no longer working. I was so disappointed. My fear was that we would not hear from her ever again. I keep telling myself that our relationship with her is different and that we will keep in touch for years to come. Maybe that isn't the case. Maybe she was ready to cut off communication. I tried to call a few times, and wasn't really sure of what to do next. Should I contact the Cissy (the counselor in Tucson) every time I lose contact? At what point do I need to make it Brooke's responsibility to contact me? I don't believe there is a correct answer for that. It's something that I just have to figure out each time that it comes up.

I prayed a lot about it, and within a week God answered me. I received an e-mail from Cissy asking for my phone number. Brooke had contacted her because she lost my number. I was so relieved. I strongly believe that CJ should be able to spend time with Brooke. As he gets older, he'll have to decide what he is comfortable with, but she will always be a part of our lives. To hear that she wanted to maintain contact was awesome news. The biggest challenge is that she can only communicate with us through Cissy. Without a phone of her own, Brooke is totally reliant on others to make a connection. I trust that Cissy will continue to follow up with Brooke and encourage her to maintain contact with us.

I do need to prepare myself for a stop in communication, because there is a good chance that it will happen. Many birth moms maintain contact for just the first year or two, and then are comfortable to continue life without further contact. For many, they just need to see that the baby is taken care of, and they are able to find closure. I know that I do not have control over Brooke's decisions about staying in touch with us. I just hope that she sees value in being able to stay connected with CJ and watch him grow up.