Post-placement visits

We had our second post-placement visit today. These aren't usually something I worry about. We really like Sharon, our counselor, so the conversation usually flows pretty well. The visits are really just intended to see how things are going at home, and to find out how we're adjusting to our new life. Questions come up about his eating, sleeping, behavior patterns and our relationship. The visits are every 90 days until the adoption is finalized. God willing, today was our last visit.

It's not that I mind answering questions about life with CJ; at least I know the answers. Today, I felt a little judged. I have been going back and forth with feeling good about going back to work full time. I love my job, and I don't know that I would be good at staying home full time. On the other hand, I have to watch other people raise my son. Thank goodness that Matt is able to be with him during all school breaks or I would probably go crazy.

I should preface this by sharing that CJ goes to three different people during the week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday he goes to an in-home daycare with Denise. Tuesdays he's with Amanda and Thursdays he's with Ashley.

The question came up about daycare during our visit today, and I answered with a certain level of confidence. After all, we like the women who are helping us, and are very comfortable with having CJ stay with them during the day. Sharon shared that they suggest trying to limit how many people are with adopted children so that attachment issues don't arise. Inside, I got really defensive. Outside, I just smiled. That was a dagger through the heart. As if I don't feel bad enough about having him in daycare. I understand the attachment issues that may come up, but I'm pretty sure he knows that Matt and I are different from everyone else.

I know that a lack of confidence is present in a lot of first-time moms, but I think adoption throws another level of craziness into the mix. Not only am I trying to figure out parenting, but I also have to explain myself to someone every 90 days. I also feel a higher level of responsibility because he isn't technically my son yet. I feel as though I have to keep proving myself in order for this to be finalized.

Please don't think Sharon is some horrible person who is looking for problems within our family. She is wonderful and truly cares about CJ's well-being, as well as our sanity. Mother Teresa could ask me the same questions and I would feel equally judged by her.

I survived!

I am officially a working mom! I made it through my first week back to work after three months. I experienced such a wide variety of feelings throughout the past four days. Monday night, I was a little worried about how I would do. I thought I was ready, but wasn't completely sure. My first two days back, Matt stayed home so I wasn't too concerned. It was great for them to spend so much time together after Matt had been gone for a week with his class. For the remaining two days, CJ spent time with two friends. While Thursday was a little sad for me, I really didn't stress too much. I'm proud to say that in those four days, I probably only checked in on him twice. Not too bad! I really count us blessed to have friends who are willing to offer up so much of their time to help us out. I think that is the reason that I was able to make it through the week. That, and my schedule was crazy. I'm definitely back to work.

On my drive home each day, I have been so tired. My daily schedule now starts earlier, ends later and has a lot more in between. The funny thing is that when I get home, I have a burst of energy because all I want to do is play with the little man. It's so refreshing! That tiredness comes back as soon as CJ goes to bed for the night. While I am able to fall asleep, my quality of sleep has been suffering! Even when I sleep I am still half listening for noises from the baby monitor. Occasionally, he decides to wake up earlier than usual. Take this morning for example, 4am was apparently a great time to wake up. It took almost 45 minutes to get him back to sleep. By the time I laid him down, it was time for me to get up and get ready for work (it was an early day, I don't always get up at 5am). Gone are the days when I can hit the snooze or make up my sleep on the weekend. I just hope my body can adjust quickly!

I'm a little embarrassed to share this, but it's part of my experience so you get to hear about it. Throughout my leave, I would occasionally have nightmares that CJ was in our bed, and that we had rolled over on him. I would wake up pushing Matt out of the way or digging through the covers to find him. Each time, I would be in a panic because I couldn't find him. Each time, Matt would bring me back to reality and explain that the baby was not in our bed. As my first day back approached, the nightmares came more often. On Monday night, I practically pushed Matt out of bed. I'm not really sure why the nightmares started because we don't have him sleep in our bed. These dreams don't help in getting rest because it takes time to calm down again. I'm not sure if these dreams are normal or if other moms have had similar experiences (maybe with a different dream). I don't know what it means but I'm sure I could find an answer online. You know what...I'm not even going to look. My guess is that each new mom goes through something weird at some point, whether they admit it or not. While I'm sure I look foolish during the nightmare, I'll look back at this and laugh. I just hope that they stop soon because I don't know how much longer I want to deal with it. :)