During class on Tuesday, we talked about transracial adoption (adopting a child of a different race from either adoptive parent). The teacher and an adoptive family shared that people do not always think before asking quetions or making comments. As we started this process, we realized the the child we adopt will most likely be from a different race, and we are just fine with that. I don't think that we considered the fact that not everyone will be ok with it. Not that I really care about other peoples' opinions, but it did get me thinking.
Why is it that people feel comfortable asking very intrusive questions about a child if it appears that he/she was adopted? Those same people would never be that forward with a woman who appears to have a biological baby with her. What is even more puzzling is that these questions/comments are usually only made when the adoptive mom is out with the kids on her own. If the adoptive father is with them, the comments are kept to a minimum. Why is that? Whatever the answer, I wonder how we will react if/when people say things to us. We were taught last night that "Why do you ask?" is a really effective response because it throws people off. I'm glad that I have a prepared response now, because I can't guarantee that I would be very polite if someone was insulting me or my children. Our teacher last night gave examples of questions/comments that adoptive moms have been asked. These are actual examples, not made up:
"Is the father black?" - obviously asked if the mother is not black
"You've been busy!" - if the mother has children of different races
"How much did he/she cost?"
Seriously people?! You don't hear people asking a new mom with a biological baby "How much did that hospital stay run you?" Why do random people feel that they have the right to be so rude with adoptive families? I guess that I will just have to rely on "Why do you ask?" when I encounter such ignorance...unless I can prepare some really sarcastic comebacks in advance. :>)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Relationships and Resources
Last week's class was great because we finally had an opportunity to get to know everyone a little better. Usually, this class is scheduled for the third week of the course, but they had to move things around. I can understand why the class is so helpful early on; it really helped to build some connections within our group. We went around the table, and each couple talked about the path that led them to adoption. It was so interesting to hear how everyone had gotten to this point. It is a little sad that we are coming up on our last class, and haven't really developed any relationships within the group. I have a feeling that we will see these couples again in the future. If nothing else, this process has built relationships with other people we know who are hoping to adopt as well.
I do hope to develop friendships with others who adopt so that we have a support network that understands what we have been through, and what we are going through (especially after we are placed with a child). While everyone's experience is different, it will be nice to have a reference point. I've started reading books about adoption, but they are as stress-inducing as the "What to Expect" type books for pregnancy. As I read them, I have to remember that they are one person's opinion, and often focus on the worst-case scenario. I have gotten some good ideas and information, but I am trying not to put too much stock in them. If anyone knows of any good book about adoption, please let me know.
It is hard to believe that we are already at the end of our classes (tonight is the last one!). It seems like just yesterday that we requested an information packet from the agency. As we complete each step in the process, we get a little more excited. We just keep praying that God gives us patience, and peace, as move a little closer to a placement.
I do hope to develop friendships with others who adopt so that we have a support network that understands what we have been through, and what we are going through (especially after we are placed with a child). While everyone's experience is different, it will be nice to have a reference point. I've started reading books about adoption, but they are as stress-inducing as the "What to Expect" type books for pregnancy. As I read them, I have to remember that they are one person's opinion, and often focus on the worst-case scenario. I have gotten some good ideas and information, but I am trying not to put too much stock in them. If anyone knows of any good book about adoption, please let me know.
It is hard to believe that we are already at the end of our classes (tonight is the last one!). It seems like just yesterday that we requested an information packet from the agency. As we complete each step in the process, we get a little more excited. We just keep praying that God gives us patience, and peace, as move a little closer to a placement.
Monday, February 15, 2010
The Adoptive Family's Perspective
In class last week, we had the opportunity to hear from a birth mother as well as an adoptive family. The counselor who taught the class was a birth mother who placed her son for adoption eight years ago. They also brought in a family who had adopted twice through the agency, and had a third adoption fall through. It was so great to be able to ask questions, and get answers directly from the source. While the teacher was able to provide some insight, the adoptive family was the most helpful for us.
One of the best things their story showed us, was just how different each adoption can be. Their first child was an ideal adoption scenario. They are very close with the birth mother, who is extremely responsible and trustworthy. The whole process went well, and they had a decent amount of time to prepare. The second adoption fell through a few days after they took the baby home from the hospital. The third was very rushed (they received a call and a few hours later, they picked up the baby), and they have no contact with the birth mother. This really showed us that we cannot put too much into the stories of others, because each adoption is unique. It really hit home the idea that we simply need to trust God to help us through our experience.
It was incredible to listen to them. The relationship that they have with the birth mother is very close to what Matt and I would like. She goes to their house for holidays and birthday parties, and they keep the communication open. It is very much like she is part of their extended family. In fact, even the birth mother's extended family and the adoptive family's extended family all get along and know each other. They are so close that she went on vacation with them, and she occasionally babysits for their kids. What a great level of love and trust that they have! We're not real sure about the idea of going on vacation with our birth mother, but we still hope to have that much love and trust.
We also appreciated being able to watch the adoptive family interact. Even though we know that adopted children fit into a family in the same way that a biological child would, we still had some fears and concerns. With this family, you would not have known that the children were adopted, except for the fact that they were a different race. While fears may exist, we know that the children we receive through adoption will our OUR children, and the relationship that we have with them will be similar to any other parent-child relationship. I think observing the family, and listening to them, helped to cement that idea.
We have just two more classes to go! It's hard to believe that we are almost to the end. We are almost done with our paperwork, and are hoping to stick to our end-of-February goal for submitting it. Our home study will follow, although we do not know how long it will take to get that set up. We are still hoping that by the start of summer, our letter will be in the match book for birth mothers to see.
One of the best things their story showed us, was just how different each adoption can be. Their first child was an ideal adoption scenario. They are very close with the birth mother, who is extremely responsible and trustworthy. The whole process went well, and they had a decent amount of time to prepare. The second adoption fell through a few days after they took the baby home from the hospital. The third was very rushed (they received a call and a few hours later, they picked up the baby), and they have no contact with the birth mother. This really showed us that we cannot put too much into the stories of others, because each adoption is unique. It really hit home the idea that we simply need to trust God to help us through our experience.
It was incredible to listen to them. The relationship that they have with the birth mother is very close to what Matt and I would like. She goes to their house for holidays and birthday parties, and they keep the communication open. It is very much like she is part of their extended family. In fact, even the birth mother's extended family and the adoptive family's extended family all get along and know each other. They are so close that she went on vacation with them, and she occasionally babysits for their kids. What a great level of love and trust that they have! We're not real sure about the idea of going on vacation with our birth mother, but we still hope to have that much love and trust.
We also appreciated being able to watch the adoptive family interact. Even though we know that adopted children fit into a family in the same way that a biological child would, we still had some fears and concerns. With this family, you would not have known that the children were adopted, except for the fact that they were a different race. While fears may exist, we know that the children we receive through adoption will our OUR children, and the relationship that we have with them will be similar to any other parent-child relationship. I think observing the family, and listening to them, helped to cement that idea.
We have just two more classes to go! It's hard to believe that we are almost to the end. We are almost done with our paperwork, and are hoping to stick to our end-of-February goal for submitting it. Our home study will follow, although we do not know how long it will take to get that set up. We are still hoping that by the start of summer, our letter will be in the match book for birth mothers to see.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Bonding & Attachment
In preparing ourselves for adoption, we realized that there were going to be different challenges that we may face. I don't think either of us considered that bonding with the baby may be one of those challenges. In my mind, we would pick up the baby from the hospital and then begin our happy lives together. While I am pretty sure we will be a happy little family, it never dawned on us that we may have to be very intentional about developing a relationship with him/her. Our teacher for the week, who also happens to be our Adoption Counselor, said that much of bonding and attachment will occur during the first 2 - 4 weeks after the baby comes home. This made complete sense to us. What surprised us was the suggestion that we avoid contact with people outside of family members during this time.
Wow, that is going to be really hard!. After getting a placement, we're going to be so excited that we would want to show him/her off to everyone. The trouble is that the baby will need to learn that we are his/her caregivers. If too many other people are around, it could slow that process. It is hard to think that he/she may not be comfortable with us for awhile. Sharon shared stories of babies that would arch their back (as if in pain) anytime someone picked them up. They just were not comfortable being held. How hard that must have been for the adoptive parents! Thankfully, that is not something that occurs with all adopted children. She also shared a few examples of ways that we can encourage that attachment (i.e. baby massage). If we did experience any attachment issues, CFCA offers various forms of therapy to help adoptive parents. We're praying that we do not need to utilize that resource, but we are grateful that it is available.
Wow, that is going to be really hard!. After getting a placement, we're going to be so excited that we would want to show him/her off to everyone. The trouble is that the baby will need to learn that we are his/her caregivers. If too many other people are around, it could slow that process. It is hard to think that he/she may not be comfortable with us for awhile. Sharon shared stories of babies that would arch their back (as if in pain) anytime someone picked them up. They just were not comfortable being held. How hard that must have been for the adoptive parents! Thankfully, that is not something that occurs with all adopted children. She also shared a few examples of ways that we can encourage that attachment (i.e. baby massage). If we did experience any attachment issues, CFCA offers various forms of therapy to help adoptive parents. We're praying that we do not need to utilize that resource, but we are grateful that it is available.
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