The Responsibility Conundrum

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you know that we have an open adoption. So far, I've been surprised by how easy it has been to maintain that with CJ's birth mom. We don't meet often, but we are always excited to hear from her and look forward to visits when they are scheduled. It is easy to feel good about our relationship when things are good in her life (and ours); I think that is true of any relationship. It is when struggles and turmoil appear that you really have to define things. It may sound harsh, but the biggest question I am currently working through is how much responsibility should I feel toward her?

Right now, we are trying to figure out how to help her through something. As time goes by the situation continues to fester and grow into an even more convoluted problem. Each time we've spoken with her, another layer gets added to the madness. I'm at a point where I just don't know what to do. I see her as family, and I would do just about anything to help my family, but is that appropriate in this scenario?

While the current situation has caused me to evaluate things, I am realizing (as I type) that this is not the first time I've experienced these feelings. Each time that she has shared a hardship with us, an internal struggle develops within me. I want to reach out and provide what she needs to get through the current mess. The trouble is, I don't think that is always the right approach, and it definitely doesn't always help her in the long run. While I want to be sure that her basic needs are met, I cannot bear that burden all the time. But, how much should I offer? I don't know if this is something that other adoptive moms face, but it is driving me crazy.

While we were in the midst of the adoption process, I had a lot of ideas as to what the challenges of an open adoption would be. Not getting along with the birth mom, fearing that she would come to a meeting under the influence of something, bringing a guest to a meeting that we didn't know, worrying that she would try to take off with CJ, and a hundred more just like it. I can honestly say that defining my level of responsibility to the birth mom was not one of the things I had originally worried about.

I've found a few ways to support her recently, but I want to get closer to understanding what our relationship should look like. I know that we have to define that, but I also realize that I probably won't be able to do that without a little help from God. Prayer is going to play an integral role in figuring this out. I'm also hopeful that I can find books or talk with other women who can offer me some starting point.

Goal for 2013

I figure that if I actually write a goal down, and publish it online, I will be more likely to stick to it.

Since we were placed with CJ, I have wanted to write a book about adoption. As we prepared for the process, I could not find many books that gave a real mom's perspective. Everything was very clinical or related to international adoption. I just wanted to read someone's story of domestic adoption, knowing that our story could (probably would) be completely different. At least it would have given me a starting point.

This was the reason that I started my blog in the first place. I didn't want to start writing and forget about the hard times. It's so easy to focus on the good now that the process is over.

This is where you come in...I need your help. I want to be sure that I include things that people want to know. Could you comment with questions that you would like to know about adoption? No question is off limits. If you don't want to post it as a comment, I can give you my e-mail address. It may be something you asked me, or something that you wanted to ask me but didn't want to seem nosy. If you're an adoptive parent, what questions have you been asked?

Thanks in advance!