I'm a Mom, Therefore I Judge

I can't remember if I've already mentioned it, but Brooke (CJ's birth mom) is pregnant. She called to let me know right around when CJ turned 18 months. In our first conversation, I didn't have the nerve to ask what her plan was for this baby. I didn't want to push, but I also wanted to know in case she was considering adoption again. After all, it would be awesome to have a biological sibling for CJ. I called her back a few weeks later to talk about something else, and I decided to ask about her plan. She shared that they were planning to parent this time.

I feel guilty, but my heart dropped. I immediately made judgments that were not fair (or nice). I even verbalized these to some of our friends. I'm embarrassed. Who am I to assume that I know what will happen if Brooke parents a baby? How do I know what would be best for this child? While I can make some assumptions based on things I know and have seen, it is definitely not my place to do so. The more I've talked to Brooke since she shared the news, the happier I am for her. While I would still love to have a bio-sibling for CJ, I can tell that she will do everything in her power to give this child a good life. Even though it's been several months since our initial conversation, it still eats away at me a little.

As I've thought more about this, it got me thinking about how much we (as moms) tend to judge without even realizing it. Maybe we realize it, but we label it as something that sounds more appropriate. Bottom line, I don't know anyone that isn't guilty of this, myself included. There is already so much pressure as a mom, why do we allow ourselves to be dragged back into the drama that we thought we left after high school graduation? Lately, I've heard several friends talk about feeling judged for decisions that they are making or have made for their children. I have tried to figure out why we contribute to making each other feel like crap. I don't have an answer, but if I think of one I'll put it in a book and make millions.

I think a big part of it is that most women feel under-prepared and under-qualified to be a parent. We need to make someone else sound worse, in order for us to feel better. Related to that, we need to feel that our decisions truly are the best, which means putting down someone who made the opposite choice for her child. What do we hope to accomplish by criticizing a women for going back to work, or formula feeding, or opting to vaccinate. Wow, someone is revealing her issues! I can vividly remember a woman at church talking me to about staying home versus working. Her exact words were "You don't plan to go back to work, do you?" Oh, yeah, no judgment there (please read the strong sarcasm). I felt awful. As an adoptive mom, I'm sure there were women that wanted to know why I would adopt only to pop my son into daycare. Well, for starters, I was a better mom because I continued working. I think that I'm a better stay-at-home mom now because I had that experience. It took a long time for me to feel confident in my role as CJ's mom.

If someone wants to ask a leading question now, that is fine. I simply answer it, without apology, and move on. Neither of us will change our minds based on that conversation, so let's just stick to conversation that we can both agree on. Like, how crazy Brandi is on RHOBH (if you don't know that acronym, you won't appreciate that comment) or how a glass of chilled Moscato is always a good idea. What I've come to realize is that I will always find someone who thinks I'm doing it wrong, but I can also find someone who thinks I'm doing it right. In the end, as long as I'm raising my son in the best way I know how, I'm doing my job.

The Big Debate

When we started the adoption process, we had already decided that we wanted two children. Despite the intense process and extreme cost, we felt that our life plan was going to include two little ones. I should stop there and ask myself why we continue to believe that we have any control in planning our lives. Have I not learned? Anyway, we still felt that we were in the driver's seat, so we continued planning.

When we moved to Nevada at the end of June, we immediately started talking about finding an agency. We had renewed our certification in Arizona just a few months earlier, but it is not valid in Nevada. We knew that we would have to begin again and we didn't want to waste any time. I contacted several agencies and the county to learn more about their respective processes and to find out dates of upcoming information sessions. Twice, I contacted the county to find out upcoming dates. For whatever reason, we continued to put it off. There was always a reason not to attend one of the sessions.

Several times, people asked us if/when we were going to start the process again. Each time, I told them that we wanted to and I wasn't sure why we hadn't moved forward yet. I answered that question so many times, and I never stopped to really look at why we were putting it off so much. After all, we were excited by the thought of a sibling for CJ. I loved the baby stage, and couldn't wait to have an infant again.

Finally, one day it hit me. Maybe my hesitation was God's way of saying "slow down." I wish I could describe the feeling that I was experiencing. I desperately wanted to adopt another baby, but at the same time I just didn't feel right about it. It seems impossible to have both of those feelings at the same time. They are completely in conflict with each other, and yet there I was. I confided in a friend that I wasn't 100% sure if our path was to include another adoption. Saying it out loud felt so good! A few days later, I was in a small group bible study, and I confessed the same feelings to them. It felt as though the more I said it out loud, the more I was accepting it.

At dinner one night, Matt asked me how I was feeling about another adoption. I admitted that I was unsure, and he shared that he had the same feeling. I was so relieved that we were on the same page. In the past, when CJ was having a fit or acting completely nuts, we joked that maybe we were good with one. I don't think either of us were serious in those moments though.

I continue to pray for wisdom from God to see His will for our family. As much as I thought I wanted to adopt again, I feel a sense of peace about being a family of three. Our feelings could just be God's way of putting us on hold for a little while. Who knows, we may be blessed with a child in the future (biological or adopted). I just plan to enjoy our life as it stands right now. I have the joy of staying home with CJ, and I'm going to make the most of it without worrying about what the future holds.

Irony

Anyone that has children, or has been around children, knows that no matter how much you love them they can easily drive you nuts. A few weeks ago was a prime example for me. Why did I wait a few weeks to post about it? I think I've just been trying to figure out how everything got so crazy. I find it ironic that I experienced a weekend from hell, just a few days after I posted about how much I'm enjoying staying home. I honestly do love being a stay-at-home mom, but last weekend pushed me to my limits.

In the middle of October, Matt went out of town to hike the Grand Canyon with a few friends, so CJ and I had the weekend to ourselves. He hadn't slept well on Friday night, so I figured that Saturday would be an easy day because he'd take a long nap. Yeah right! He fell asleep in the car while we were out, which ended up being the only 20 minutes he slept during the day. Somehow, he mustered the energy to drive me nuts all afternoon. It really felt like he was just jumping from one bad decision to another. When he went down to bed at 8pm, I figured that I would have a quiet evening with lots of sleep. Wrong again! He woke up from 11-12, 3-4 and 5-5:30am.

While I was really tired, I decided that church would do us some good. 15 minutes into church, CJ fell asleep. This was good because he wasn't making a ton of noise, but I was terrified that he wouldn't take his normal afternoon nap. Sure enough, he did not go back to sleep that afternoon. Again, his waking hours were spent driving me crazy. He would climb on the dining room table, and then reset the DirecTV box, and then open the liquor cabinet (which I know should be childproofed). It was a never-ending circle of mayhem! I could tell he was tired that night, but I was skeptical that he would actually sleep. Just in case, I decided to take a bubble bath and have a glass of wine. If I was going to be up all night, I might as well be somewhat relaxed. To my surprise, he slept until 5:30am, which was better than some mornings.

By Monday (Matt's return date) I was physically, mentally and emotionally wiped out. I had not really had any down time during the weekend, and CJ and I were starting to really drive each other nuts! Thankfully, we had preschool that morning, which kept him from falling asleep early. As I fought him to take a nap later, I lost it. It's a little embarrassing to admit that I simply broke down, but I think most moms can sympathize. I was so excited when Matt called to let me know that he would be home 3 hours earlier than expected. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel! By the time Matt got home I was fried.

I learned a lot in those few days. Never had I gone that close to the edge of crazy. There may have been moments where I crossed over into crazy. Looking back, I see some things that I probably could have done to keep what was left of my sanity. Here are the three biggest lessons:

1. I should have realized that he was not going to keep himself occupied without getting in trouble. Instead of hoping that I could get things done, I should have just stopped trying and taken him to the park. Honestly, no one would have cared if my dishes weren't done or if the vacuuming was delayed by a day. I think I would have been in a better place had we just gone and done things to keep him busy.

2. I could have called a friend to help. I am lucky to have two friends within a 30 second walk of my house. By Sunday afternoon, I probably should have just called them to watch CJ for 30 minutes so I could regain my composure.

3. Wine and a bubble bath really does a body good! I truly felt like a new person when I stepped out of that tub. I highly recommend it if you are ever on the verge of a breakdown!

While I didn't win "Mom of the Year" that weekend, it could have been worse (although not much). Hopefully, I'll remember this experience in the future and avoid insanity.

My 3-Month Evaluation

In most jobs, you receive a review or evaluation after three months. I figured that being a stay-at-home mom is now my job, so I should evaluate how the last three months have gone.

All in all, I would say that things have been pretty good. CJ and I have gotten into a fun routine of activities, and have made lots of friends that have provided support as I adjusted to this new role. That is not to say that I haven't had moments of insanity...trust me, there have been plenty. Given how nervous I was at the idea of staying home, I would say that my expectations have been exceeded. Here are a few things that have been keeping us busy:

We were invited (by my dear friend Evelyn) to join a preschool co-op with four other families. While CJ is a little young, there are other kids his age and it's been a great way for him to socialize and learn a little here and there. He loves these kids (and their moms), and is always excited to see them. I also appreciate having them as a support for me. They have all worked in the past, and understand she of the struggles that I've gone through as I've adjusted.

I joined Bible Study Fellowship (also thanks to Evelyn). Not only do I get to participate in a bible study each week, they have a children's program that introduces CJ to bible stories. I have really enjoyed taking time in the middle of my week to sing hymns, study the book of Genesis, and get to know other Christian women from around Las Vegas.

We have found other activities around Las Vegas. Our local library offers story time a few times each week that includes songs and dances. CJ isn't always excited to go, but I've caught him singing the songs at home a few times. I think he likes the idea of it, but the number of kids involved makes him a little nervous (and it's right before his lunch time). We also joined the children's museum. It is a little far from our house, but CJ has a great time whenever we go. While it isn't as good as the one in Phoenix, they are building a new location that should be amazing. Summerlin has some amazing parks, which has also provided us with endless hours of entertainment.

Now every valid evaluation should include areas for improvement. One of my biggest is taking time away from CJ. I am with him all the time. I love him dearly, but it has become very clear to me that I need breaks (and not just during nap time). I've asked Matt to keep me accountable in this area, because I know that I won't do it myself. It is also good for Matt and CJ to have time together without me. Even if I just take an hour to walk around Target, it helps me regain my sanity. Another area for improvement is finding different activities to keep us busy. I don't always want to go out, and finances are limited. Thank goodness for Pinterest. I have so many great ideas at my fingertips. He is still a little young for a lot the fun stuff I've found, but we've got a good list going.

The reason that I have enjoyed staying home this much is that we've found a community of friends and a variety of activities. I've figured out the right balance of how much CJ can handle before he starts to break down. While I have a lot to learn, I am proud of how I've done so far. It's funny; now that I've been home for a few months, the idea of returning to work is a little scary (quite the contrast from how I felt before we moved to Las Vegas).

Take a breath!

Matt and I have talked a lot about adopting a second child. We would love to give CJ the gift of a little brother or sister. Since we've settled into our new life in Las Vegas, it seemed like a great time to start the process again, especially since I'm staying home with CJ.

We've been through the process already, so I started out feeling very confident in my ability to navigate the system in Nevada. I contacted a few agencies to get information, and began researching laws and policies within the state. Unfortunately, we're going to have to start from scratch, although we already knew that was going to be the case.

As I began to really think about adoption, I started to feel very overwhelmed. Honestly, they were the same feelings that I experienced when we originally started talking about adoption in 2009. Several times, I've asked myself "how can we do this?" Time, finances, and emotions were at the top of my list. Can we really afford to adopt again? Is this the best time? What if we never get picked? How will the process impact CJ? How can we go through the process with CJ?

Breathe!

I am amused that I went so crazy so fast. We have not selected an agency, or even attended an orientation/interest meeting. Actually, we haven't fully decided to move forward with a second adoption. Why am I so concerned that we can't do it, or that we'll experience huge road blocks along the way?

Yes, it can be expensive, but we managed to save enough money the last time. Yes, there is a chance that we won't be picked, but Brooke picked us the last time. Yes, it is time consuming, but we lived through it the last time. Given that we successfully adopted once already, there is no reason to think that we can't do it again.

I have to remind myself that God is with us, guiding us through the process of parenthood. Maybe this is the perfect time to adopt, and maybe it's not. I must trust that God will direct our paths, as He has always done. If/When the time is right, God will grow our family again. If His plan does not include a second child, then we will continue to thank Him for the blessing of CJ.

Viva Las Vegas

Quite a bit has happened in the past few months. I'm actually embarrassed by my pathetic attempt to keep up a blog. Now that we are settled in our house, my goal is to be more on top of updates.

Since moving, there have been a few things that have struck me:

First, there is no doubt in my mind that we were meant to be here. I have received so many affirmations from God that our decision was the right one. When we left Phoenix, I was a little nervous. While it felt right, there is always that little concern that maybe you're making the wrong choice. As we've been getting settled, I am sure that we are in the right place. I dearly miss the friends and family that we left in Phoenix, but have felt so welcomed by the folks we have met around here. Between our neighbors and members of our church, we're starting to get connected.

Second, I really like Las Vegas. I was not excited about the prospect of living in Las Vegas when Matt first heard about this position. After we visited, my mind was changed. Summerlin is a beautiful area with a lot to do. While the temperature is not too different from Phoenix during the day, it is actually nice in the mornings and evenings. Ironically, as I write this we are experiencing some high levels of humidity, but we've also had some rain which is great. I am excited to continue learning about what this area has to offer. I have a feeling that I've only scratch the surface.

Third, I am thoroughly enjoying staying home with CJ. Many of my friends and family knew that I was a little nervous to take on that role. I had worked in higher education for over ten years, so I was very comfortable with that setting. I knew how to do my job, and I'd like to think I was pretty good at it. Staying home was uncharted territory. I was afraid that I would not be successful. I was afraid that I would be resentful. I had a lot of fears, but ultimately knew that this was the best option for us at this point in our lives. Amazingly enough, I love it! I have made a few friends that also stay home, and they are guiding me through this transition. They have given me lots of ideas on things to do and invited me along on different outings. I'm finding that there is quite a bit to do around here. We've joined the community pool, found quite a few great parks, and explored the family events that the area has to offer.

As hectic as things are now, I think we're going to begin researching adoption in Nevada. CJ is now a year and a half, and I think we're ready to begin the process again. While we will literally have to start from scratch, we are ready for the challenge. As with CJ's adoption, we'll keep everyone posted on where things are.

New Beginnings

I realize that it has been several months since I last posted something on our blog. Part of the reason is that I've struggled with what I should write about. I started the blog as a way to keep family members up-to-date on our adoption process. Well...that process ended in September 2011. I really can't think of much else to talk about as it relates to CJ's adoption, so I think I need to find a new topic. Many of you already know, but Matt has accepted the call to serve as Principal of Faith Lutheran Academy in Las Vegas. This was something that we were not expecting, but it's very exciting for us. We'll be moving up there at the end of June so that Matt can begin on July 1st. I'll be taking time off from work to manage CJ's social calendar...I mean, be a stay at home mom. I'm still curious how I will handle that, but I'm excited to have the experience. People at work are placing bets on how long I'll last (the average is 3 months before I start looking for a job). Most likely, it will be after the new year before I start working. At this point, your prayers are greatly appreciated as we prepare to move this summer. I'll use this blog to keep people posted on how things are going, and to document my life as a stay at home mom.

Keeping in Touch

Quite a few people ask me about our relationship with Brooke, CJ's birth mom. As I've mentioned in previous posts, my mindset has changed drastically from when we first started the adoption process. As CJ gets older, I feel an even greater need to keep in touch with her. Our contact with her has been spotty at best. I have to recognize that we are not her first priority. Our visits have to be when she feels comfortable. In our original plan, we scheduled meeting every other month for the first year. It ended up being three meetings, at months 1, 2 and 9.

Just before CJ's first birthday, we really wanted to connect with Brooke again. That is a special day for our family, and she is a big part of it. We wanted to celebrate with her. When I tried to call, the phone number was no longer working. I was so disappointed. My fear was that we would not hear from her ever again. I keep telling myself that our relationship with her is different and that we will keep in touch for years to come. Maybe that isn't the case. Maybe she was ready to cut off communication. I tried to call a few times, and wasn't really sure of what to do next. Should I contact the Cissy (the counselor in Tucson) every time I lose contact? At what point do I need to make it Brooke's responsibility to contact me? I don't believe there is a correct answer for that. It's something that I just have to figure out each time that it comes up.

I prayed a lot about it, and within a week God answered me. I received an e-mail from Cissy asking for my phone number. Brooke had contacted her because she lost my number. I was so relieved. I strongly believe that CJ should be able to spend time with Brooke. As he gets older, he'll have to decide what he is comfortable with, but she will always be a part of our lives. To hear that she wanted to maintain contact was awesome news. The biggest challenge is that she can only communicate with us through Cissy. Without a phone of her own, Brooke is totally reliant on others to make a connection. I trust that Cissy will continue to follow up with Brooke and encourage her to maintain contact with us.

I do need to prepare myself for a stop in communication, because there is a good chance that it will happen. Many birth moms maintain contact for just the first year or two, and then are comfortable to continue life without further contact. For many, they just need to see that the baby is taken care of, and they are able to find closure. I know that I do not have control over Brooke's decisions about staying in touch with us. I just hope that she sees value in being able to stay connected with CJ and watch him grow up.

He's gone crazy!

A week ago, our little man turned 1. Just a few days before his birthday, the strangest thing happened...he became a picky eater. Now, for those of you who know our family, CJ will eat just about anything. One of our friends jokes that the only time she has ever seen him get mad is when we take his food away. You can imagine my confusion when he refused to eat peas one day. Now, this may not sound like a big deal, but he literally ate peas the day before, and has always liked them. Ok, tastes change. It's no big deal. Then I tried to feed him cheese, another favorite. I was denied once again. Ugh! After the third failed attempt, I got a little worried. I wasn't overly concerned because he had a fever, and I assumed it was related to not feeling well.

For four or five days, we played the "What will CJ eat today?" game. I didn't want to be one of those parents that prepares a buffet, just in case her kid gets picky, but we were forced to take that route. He had to eat something! I was so frustrated. I was making these great little meals for him, and he would only eat a few bites. He also cut back on drinking water and milk.

I did what any other first time mom would do...I googled it. I went onto multiple mommy blogs, baby food websites and pediatrician pages. All pretty much said the same thing: kids often get very picky around the one year mark. Ahhh (sigh of relief)! My son is not a weirdo! I could rest easily knowing that it was just a phase, and that eventually he would get his appetite back.

Well, I didn't have to wait long. The very next day, he ate everything in his lunch box at daycare. He got home and acted like he had not eaten in weeks. He at double the amount he had been eating in recent days. For the past few nights, he has been ravenous when he gets home. He is definitely more active now (just took his first steps a few days ago), so that could have something to do with the appetite swing. Whatever the cause, he is no longer a picky eater. He's back to a healthy combination of fruits, veggies, protein and carbs. Thank goodness. I don't know how much longer I could have handled that!


Enjoying a birthday breakfast!


No matter what, there is always room for cake!

2011 - A Year in Review

Happy New Year!



2011 stands out as one of the biggest years of our lives. I'm looking forward to what 2012 brings for our family, but it will be hard to beat last year. After years of waiting, God blessed our family with a little boy. As I think back over the months, so many memories pop into my head. I try to write them all down because I don't ever want to forget the amazing things we experienced. Here's a brief list:


January - Our little man came into this world on the 11th. It was by far one of the most amazing things that I have ever witnessed, and I'm grateful that we had the opportunity to be there.

February - Family and friends came to witness CJ's baptism on the 20th. It was a very special celebration performed by Great-Grandpa Fischer. CJ wore a baptismal gown made by Great-Grandma Fincke and had been worn by Grandpa Fincke, Uncle Andrew and yours truly.

March - Visited with Brooke.

April - I returned to work after a three month leave. While it was hard to go back, we are blessed to have such a wonderful childcare provider! First solid food for CJ - rice cereal.

May - My first Mother's Day! We celebrated with brunch at Karsten Golf Course at ASU. It was delicious!

June - Trip to Flagstaff and Antelope Canyon with Tim & Lisa (CJ's godparents). Matt's first Father's Day! We celebrated by having lunch at Friday's Front Row and going to a D-Backs game (of course). I turned 31. Matt and I celebrated 8 years of marriage.

July - CJ met many members of the Fischer side of the family at Tim & Melina's wedding in San Diego.

August - Celebrated Matt's birthday by spending the day traveling to Fargo for Liz & Luke's wedding. Don't worry, I bought him a beer along the way. CJ's first plane trip. His first tooth cut through at the end of the month.

September - CJ's adoption was finalized on the 15th! We are thankful that friends and family were present to witness the process come to a close.

October - CJ sat up all by himself! Visited with Brooke. CJ crawled for the first time! First Halloween! Our little man was a tiger...and a very cute one at that!

November - First Thanksgiving, spent with the Fischer family in Las Vegas.

December - First Christmas!


I cannot help but be excited about what 2012 is going to bring for us. I look forward to watching CJ reach more milestones. I look forward to more visits with our family. I look forward to the fun things that Matt, CJ and I will do as a family. I can't wait to report back in one year!