Something To Ponder

How can I feel sad/angry/frustrated about losing something that was never mine to begin with?


Why do we develop such an attachment when we know nothing is guaranteed?

Why Can't I Just Be Angry?

I've tried to put my thoughts into words for the past few days. Each time I have started writing, something just hasn't felt right. If you are friends with me on Facebook, you'll know that we have encountered another roadblock in the process of taking care of Alex. On Monday, we received word that we had been approved to be foster parents. Only an hour later, we heard that a request was filed to keep Alex in the state of Arizona.

Within the first 24 hours, I went through a range of emotions. Now that I've had a few days to process everything, my biggest frustration comes from the sense of peace I feel. I realize how that sounds, but hear me out.

I desperately want to be angry, bitter, and resentful. I would love nothing more than to throw myself a giant pity party. The trouble is, every time I start to feel any of those emotions, I feel a sense of calm come over me. Obviously, this is something that only comes from the Lord. It's as though God is telling me that I don't need to experience negative feelings because He is taking care of things.

I reminded myself that five months ago, I experienced the same range of emotions. I had driven down to Tucson with the intent of bringing home a baby to care for. I did not plan to drive home with an empty car seat. I had no intention of being told that I'd have to go through the process of becoming a licensed foster parent. However, I can now look back and see why that all happened. If all of that crap had a good reason for happening, then surely this will be no different.

Don't get me wrong, I still have moments of frustration/anger/sadness. I'll see something that reminds me of the troubles we have experienced (like the horrible fire extinguishers we had to hang on our walls). Someone will ask how the process is going. CJ will mention "baby Alex." In those moments, I just stop and say a quick prayer. It may not always be immediate, but I always end up feeling calm. I pray that I can remain faithful in prayer when those tough moments come.

I will continue to be hopeful that there will come a day that we can bring Alex home. Our file will still be submitted to the courts, although we doubt a judge will have us care for him at this time. There may be an opportunity in the future as well. I suppose that we'll just wait and see what happens.

The Adoptive Moms Club

The other day, I heard someone mention how she has "earned her stretch marks and any mom knows what she is talking about." Sadly, I don't know what she is talking about. While I may have some stretch marks in some places, I did not "earn" them in the same way. That isn't the first time I've heard someone say that phrase, or a variation of it. Each time I hear it, it causes me to stop and think.

Before we adopted CJ, I felt like there was this magical club for moms. The longer it took to expand our family, the more frustrated I got by women who were already part of this special group. I even received occasional reminders that I was not part of this club when I heard comments like "you wouldn't understand...," "you don't know love until you've had a child," and my favorite - "you should be grateful you haven't had to deal with..." It was never intentional, but it didn't hurt any less.

Once we adopted CJ, I assumed that I would be a part of this club and life would be different. In some ways, that was true. I was now able to talk to random moms at the park, because we automatically had something in common. In other ways, I was still reminded that my membership in this club was of a different level than biological moms. I don't have crazy pregnancy stories. I couldn't sympathize with the labor and delivery process. I can't talk about how much CJ looks like me or Matt.

Last night, I was reminded that I still have a special membership in the mom's club...as an adoptive mom. One of my dear friends was recently matched with a birthmom and is just days away from her dream coming true. I know the anxiety of waiting, realizing that I had no control of the situation. I understand the joy of receiving "the call." I remember the days leading up to CJ's birth and hoping that we'd make it to the hospital in time to see him arrive. I remember the seemingly opposing feelings of joy and sadness as I held my little man for this first time while watching Brooke cry at her loss.

While I love connecting with other moms, there is a special place in my heart for adoptive moms. I am so blessed to know a lot of women who are also adoptive moms. I so appreciate the bond that I have with each of them. It is comforting to know that other women in my life can really understand the questions, feelings and emotions that I experience when it comes to being an adoptive mom.

I am proud member of this special club...the adoptive moms club

Crisis averted...times three

Today was our licensing visit. To say that I was a little anxious would be an understatement. Even though we've been through this before with CJ's adoption, the expectations were higher because we are being licensed through Clark County. I was paranoid that we may have missed something. The last thing I wanted was to have a reschedule this appointment because of a stupid mistake.

For the past few days, we've been cleaning, organizing, and double checking the safety requirements. Yesterday morning, Matt pointed out that our liquor cabinet sits in our living room. While it has a "childproof" lock on it, CJ has no problem getting in. Oops! I'm guessing that the Licensing Dept. would not look kindly on open access to wine, rum and whiskey. Thankfully, we managed to reorganize a bit and moved it all to a high shelf in our pantry. Crisis averted.

The licensing worker arrived and we sat down to begin the visit. After taking care of some paperwork, we started walking around the house. With just a few minor things to change as we walked around, I was feeling pretty good. Then, we got to the 1/2 bathroom downstairs. It is required that we have a "key" to open the door from the outside. We have no such key, and there are three bathrooms in the house. Luckily, she said that we could buy them and e-mail her pictures, and she would not need to return. Second crisis averted!

As we went upstairs, I assumed we would be in the clear. After all, we had installed our second fire extinguisher, purchased a fire ladder, and had all of the necessary baby items. We were doing well until we attempted to test one of the smoke detectors. Matt pushed the button, and...nothing but a very faint beep. Nooooo! That's ok, we'll just test another one. We heard the same faint beep. Ugh, not good! Our upstairs smoke detectors are interconnected, so when one has a problem, it affects them all. After fiddling with a few of them, Matt managed to get them working again. Third crisis averted!

The rest of the visit was smooth. Everything else that was supposed to be stored in a specific way, was done correctly. She reviewed the policies and procedures, and we signed off stating that we understand and agree to comply.

At this point, we do not have an estimate on the pick-up date. Our fingerprints from Arizona have not come back yet. Once our licensing worker receives the pictures of our bathroom "keys" and our fingerprints, she'll be able to submit our file to her supervisor for final approval. She told us she would complete everything she could in the next day or two, to ensure that everything moves quickly. I know that Arizona is pretty much ready to go, once our Nevada license is complete.

Thanks for the prayers! We'll keep you posted!

So Close...

We have a home visit scheduled!! Next Thursday, July 11th, we'll have someone from the Licensing Department come over to ensure that we meet all of the specifications for foster homes. We've prepared almost everything that is required; we just have one more fire extinguisher to mount upstairs. Hopefully, it will just take another couple of weeks to get approval from the AZ courts to bring Alex home!