When we started the adoption process, we had already decided that we wanted two children. Despite the intense process and extreme cost, we felt that our life plan was going to include two little ones. I should stop there and ask myself why we continue to believe that we have any control in planning our lives. Have I not learned? Anyway, we still felt that we were in the driver's seat, so we continued planning.
When we moved to Nevada at the end of June, we immediately started talking about finding an agency. We had renewed our certification in Arizona just a few months earlier, but it is not valid in Nevada. We knew that we would have to begin again and we didn't want to waste any time. I contacted several agencies and the county to learn more about their respective processes and to find out dates of upcoming information sessions. Twice, I contacted the county to find out upcoming dates. For whatever reason, we continued to put it off. There was always a reason not to attend one of the sessions.
Several times, people asked us if/when we were going to start the process again. Each time, I told them that we wanted to and I wasn't sure why we hadn't moved forward yet. I answered that question so many times, and I never stopped to really look at why we were putting it off so much. After all, we were excited by the thought of a sibling for CJ. I loved the baby stage, and couldn't wait to have an infant again.
Finally, one day it hit me. Maybe my hesitation was God's way of saying "slow down." I wish I could describe the feeling that I was experiencing. I desperately wanted to adopt another baby, but at the same time I just didn't feel right about it. It seems impossible to have both of those feelings at the same time. They are completely in conflict with each other, and yet there I was. I confided in a friend that I wasn't 100% sure if our path was to include another adoption. Saying it out loud felt so good! A few days later, I was in a small group bible study, and I confessed the same feelings to them. It felt as though the more I said it out loud, the more I was accepting it.
At dinner one night, Matt asked me how I was feeling about another adoption. I admitted that I was unsure, and he shared that he had the same feeling. I was so relieved that we were on the same page. In the past, when CJ was having a fit or acting completely nuts, we joked that maybe we were good with one. I don't think either of us were serious in those moments though.
I continue to pray for wisdom from God to see His will for our family. As much as I thought I wanted to adopt again, I feel a sense of peace about being a family of three. Our feelings could just be God's way of putting us on hold for a little while. Who knows, we may be blessed with a child in the future (biological or adopted). I just plan to enjoy our life as it stands right now. I have the joy of staying home with CJ, and I'm going to make the most of it without worrying about what the future holds.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
Irony
Anyone that has children, or has been around children, knows that no matter how much you love them they can easily drive you nuts. A few weeks ago was a prime example for me. Why did I wait a few weeks to post about it? I think I've just been trying to figure out how everything got so crazy. I find it ironic that I experienced a weekend from hell, just a few days after I posted about how much I'm enjoying staying home. I honestly do love being a stay-at-home mom, but last weekend pushed me to my limits.
In the middle of October, Matt went out of town to hike the Grand Canyon with a few friends, so CJ and I had the weekend to ourselves. He hadn't slept well on Friday night, so I figured that Saturday would be an easy day because he'd take a long nap. Yeah right! He fell asleep in the car while we were out, which ended up being the only 20 minutes he slept during the day. Somehow, he mustered the energy to drive me nuts all afternoon. It really felt like he was just jumping from one bad decision to another. When he went down to bed at 8pm, I figured that I would have a quiet evening with lots of sleep. Wrong again! He woke up from 11-12, 3-4 and 5-5:30am.
While I was really tired, I decided that church would do us some good. 15 minutes into church, CJ fell asleep. This was good because he wasn't making a ton of noise, but I was terrified that he wouldn't take his normal afternoon nap. Sure enough, he did not go back to sleep that afternoon. Again, his waking hours were spent driving me crazy. He would climb on the dining room table, and then reset the DirecTV box, and then open the liquor cabinet (which I know should be childproofed). It was a never-ending circle of mayhem! I could tell he was tired that night, but I was skeptical that he would actually sleep. Just in case, I decided to take a bubble bath and have a glass of wine. If I was going to be up all night, I might as well be somewhat relaxed. To my surprise, he slept until 5:30am, which was better than some mornings.
By Monday (Matt's return date) I was physically, mentally and emotionally wiped out. I had not really had any down time during the weekend, and CJ and I were starting to really drive each other nuts! Thankfully, we had preschool that morning, which kept him from falling asleep early. As I fought him to take a nap later, I lost it. It's a little embarrassing to admit that I simply broke down, but I think most moms can sympathize. I was so excited when Matt called to let me know that he would be home 3 hours earlier than expected. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel! By the time Matt got home I was fried.
I learned a lot in those few days. Never had I gone that close to the edge of crazy. There may have been moments where I crossed over into crazy. Looking back, I see some things that I probably could have done to keep what was left of my sanity. Here are the three biggest lessons:
1. I should have realized that he was not going to keep himself occupied without getting in trouble. Instead of hoping that I could get things done, I should have just stopped trying and taken him to the park. Honestly, no one would have cared if my dishes weren't done or if the vacuuming was delayed by a day. I think I would have been in a better place had we just gone and done things to keep him busy.
2. I could have called a friend to help. I am lucky to have two friends within a 30 second walk of my house. By Sunday afternoon, I probably should have just called them to watch CJ for 30 minutes so I could regain my composure.
3. Wine and a bubble bath really does a body good! I truly felt like a new person when I stepped out of that tub. I highly recommend it if you are ever on the verge of a breakdown!
While I didn't win "Mom of the Year" that weekend, it could have been worse (although not much). Hopefully, I'll remember this experience in the future and avoid insanity.
In the middle of October, Matt went out of town to hike the Grand Canyon with a few friends, so CJ and I had the weekend to ourselves. He hadn't slept well on Friday night, so I figured that Saturday would be an easy day because he'd take a long nap. Yeah right! He fell asleep in the car while we were out, which ended up being the only 20 minutes he slept during the day. Somehow, he mustered the energy to drive me nuts all afternoon. It really felt like he was just jumping from one bad decision to another. When he went down to bed at 8pm, I figured that I would have a quiet evening with lots of sleep. Wrong again! He woke up from 11-12, 3-4 and 5-5:30am.
While I was really tired, I decided that church would do us some good. 15 minutes into church, CJ fell asleep. This was good because he wasn't making a ton of noise, but I was terrified that he wouldn't take his normal afternoon nap. Sure enough, he did not go back to sleep that afternoon. Again, his waking hours were spent driving me crazy. He would climb on the dining room table, and then reset the DirecTV box, and then open the liquor cabinet (which I know should be childproofed). It was a never-ending circle of mayhem! I could tell he was tired that night, but I was skeptical that he would actually sleep. Just in case, I decided to take a bubble bath and have a glass of wine. If I was going to be up all night, I might as well be somewhat relaxed. To my surprise, he slept until 5:30am, which was better than some mornings.
By Monday (Matt's return date) I was physically, mentally and emotionally wiped out. I had not really had any down time during the weekend, and CJ and I were starting to really drive each other nuts! Thankfully, we had preschool that morning, which kept him from falling asleep early. As I fought him to take a nap later, I lost it. It's a little embarrassing to admit that I simply broke down, but I think most moms can sympathize. I was so excited when Matt called to let me know that he would be home 3 hours earlier than expected. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel! By the time Matt got home I was fried.
I learned a lot in those few days. Never had I gone that close to the edge of crazy. There may have been moments where I crossed over into crazy. Looking back, I see some things that I probably could have done to keep what was left of my sanity. Here are the three biggest lessons:
1. I should have realized that he was not going to keep himself occupied without getting in trouble. Instead of hoping that I could get things done, I should have just stopped trying and taken him to the park. Honestly, no one would have cared if my dishes weren't done or if the vacuuming was delayed by a day. I think I would have been in a better place had we just gone and done things to keep him busy.
2. I could have called a friend to help. I am lucky to have two friends within a 30 second walk of my house. By Sunday afternoon, I probably should have just called them to watch CJ for 30 minutes so I could regain my composure.
3. Wine and a bubble bath really does a body good! I truly felt like a new person when I stepped out of that tub. I highly recommend it if you are ever on the verge of a breakdown!
While I didn't win "Mom of the Year" that weekend, it could have been worse (although not much). Hopefully, I'll remember this experience in the future and avoid insanity.
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