For those of you who have talked with me about the adoption process, I think you would say that I have been fairly positive about everything. While I have been able to keep my eyes on the path that I believe God has set before us, not every day is sunshine and roses. The last thing I want is to give people the impression that that whole process has been emotionally easy for me. Given that I had a mini-meltdown this past week, I thought I would use this posting as a time to share the not-so-pretty side of this process.
Please realize that for many of you, this may seem to come out of left field. I don't want you to think that I have been lying about my feelings, or hiding things from you. The adoption process is such an emotional roller coaster, and many of you have talked to me when I've been at my high points. Honestly, I have more positive days than negative, but when the negative ones hit...look out. This posting is a little more emotionally raw than previous ones; it's also a little longer.
One thing I have been struggling with lately is hope. This is a bit silly, given the fact that we have only been in the match book at our agency for one month. Be that as it may, it is still a current struggle for me. While I would love a baby, I have started to doubt whether this is in God's plan for us. I cannot explain why; maybe my stress at work is magnifying my feelings, maybe I'm just really impatient, or maybe my emotions are catching up with me. Whatever the reason, I hate that my attitude goes to such a negative place. I feel defeated because I have let my emotions get the best of me. I feel guilty because is seems as though my faith is being tested. I feel helpless because I truly do not know what else to do at this point...other than to continue falling to my knees in prayer.
I have continued to question how I will know God's plan for my life. I constantly pray for the ability to simply give it all up to Him. I think I have done that, but worry that I am still trying to maintain control. Control...the one thing that I do not have in life, yet the one thing that I am always grasping for. Maybe it is better that I am getting a hardcore lesson in this now because I'm pretty sure that we will lose a great deal of control once little ones join our family. Despite knowing the ultimate benefit in these life lessons, it does not make it any easier to navigate them.
My small group bible study is currently reading through the book of James, and the timing could not have been more perfect. James 1:2-4 reads "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Wow, talk about feeling as though God is speaking directly to you. My goal is to find the joy in these moments, knowing that I am maturing each step of the way. During our study last night, someone said that we need to take the first step after asking God for help. Maybe that is my problem; I've been waiting for an answer instead of making an effort to search for it.
In addition to the small group, God has also blessed me with certain people that He has placed in my life. I have several women who have played a key role in my sanity through this process. Some of them are aware of my appreciation, and others do not even realize (yet) that they have made an impact. I am also blessed with a husband who knows when to listen and what to say in response.
In general, I am very excited about the adoption process. While it was not the path I had in mind originally, I have come to embrace it with both arms. There are so many days that I look forward to - the day when we get the phone call from our agency, the day we meet our birth mother, the day we take our little one home from the hospital, etc. I also look forward to sharing those moments with each of you!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
A New Perspective
Matt and I have been reading devotions together at night. While they aren't always the best, there was one line from a past reading that has stuck with me.
"Life doesn't seem so difficult when you don't expect it to be so easy."
That really hit me, and I've been thinking about it a lot over the past few days. Why do we expect life to go exactly as planned, especially when we have so many examples that it doesn't always work that way? Now, I am not saying that I expect life to be hard. All I'm saying, is that maybe I didn't have a realistic expectation of how things should go. It is easy to look around and see the couples who had children according to their plan, and assume that it was easy process for them. I think I need to adjust my viewpoint. Instead of focusing on what others have (which may be something I want), I need to realize that God has selected us for this and one day we will understand why. It may not be easy, but it doesn't have to be hard.
We still have no news to share with you. We are in the hardest part of the process...the waiting period. Our letter is in the match book at our agency, as well as on their website. Anytime a potential birth mom goes into the agency, they will see our letter. It is only a matter of time before we are invited to meet with a birth mom. When that happens, I will be sure to let you know.
This week, I am praying for all the couples who are trying to decide if adoption is the right path for them, both birth parents and adoptive parents. For many, this is an easy decision. For others, they will struggle at length before making a decision. I pray that they have the guidance and support that they need, to figure out what path they should follow.
"Life doesn't seem so difficult when you don't expect it to be so easy."
That really hit me, and I've been thinking about it a lot over the past few days. Why do we expect life to go exactly as planned, especially when we have so many examples that it doesn't always work that way? Now, I am not saying that I expect life to be hard. All I'm saying, is that maybe I didn't have a realistic expectation of how things should go. It is easy to look around and see the couples who had children according to their plan, and assume that it was easy process for them. I think I need to adjust my viewpoint. Instead of focusing on what others have (which may be something I want), I need to realize that God has selected us for this and one day we will understand why. It may not be easy, but it doesn't have to be hard.
We still have no news to share with you. We are in the hardest part of the process...the waiting period. Our letter is in the match book at our agency, as well as on their website. Anytime a potential birth mom goes into the agency, they will see our letter. It is only a matter of time before we are invited to meet with a birth mom. When that happens, I will be sure to let you know.
This week, I am praying for all the couples who are trying to decide if adoption is the right path for them, both birth parents and adoptive parents. For many, this is an easy decision. For others, they will struggle at length before making a decision. I pray that they have the guidance and support that they need, to figure out what path they should follow.
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