Future fears

Yesterday, I read an article about a 19-year old man in Orange County who died recently from using a drug called "K-2" or "spice." While the story was terribly sad, his death was not what scared me the most. What terrified me was the reason the article gave for his drug use. You see, this young man was adopted and had struggled to accept it and understand why his birthmother had made that choice. According to the article, at age 15, he went to a special boarding school to help him deal with the emotional issues that stemmed from knowing he was adopted. His birthmom had used drugs, and the article alluded to the fact that this may have contributed to his own issues with addiction.

Going into adoption, I knew that there were many potential issues that our future children could face. It had not dawned on me that some of these issues could be fatal.

As I sit here and think about what I read, I pray that I will know how to handle the questions that CJ and his brothers have about adoption. I hope that by having an open adoption, they feel more comfortable with their story.

Even now, as a 3-year old, I pray for CJ's future. I have started praying for the future of his brothers as well. Up until now, I had focused on faith, future wife and children, and career. Starting today, I am going to add to my prayers. I will fervently ask God to help CJ (and his brothers) understand why Brooke chose adoption and to realize it was a decision made in love. I will beg Him to keep the boys away from some of the demons that she has faced.

It still amazes me that after three years, I'm continue to find adoption-related issues/topics that I hadn't thought about initially. While there is no resource that can prepare someone completely, I hope that our experience can bring some issues to light for those who are not familiar with adoption.

Guilt and doubt

As we get closer to bringing Alex home, reality has started to set in. I've thought a lot about the impact all of this will have of our family. I've worried about making a successful transition for Alex. We've considered the financial implications of adding two children to our family. What I had not acknowledged was the impact all of this will have on Alex's current foster mom.

She has cared for him, as if he were her own child, for the past 16 months. She has seen him through some serious medical issues. She has helped him grown and develop. In other words, she cares deeply for him. From the beginning, she told us how wonderful it would be for him to have a relationship with his biological brother. Even as it became clear that we could get custody, she assured us that she would not attempt to adopt him (even though I think she would like to). She understood the importance of him being raised with family. While she may know that this is best, I know that she is already feeling the pain as she prepares to say good-bye.

After a recent text conversation with her, I sat down and really thought about the effect this move will have on her and her family. As I processed the various feelings that she may experience, I started to feel an incredible amount of guilt. Guilt is a normal part of adoption. Watching our birthmom hand us her child was one of the hardest things I've done. I felt so guilty that we were able to care for him and she was not able to. I felt guilty that we were so happy on one of the hardest days of her life. The guilt subsided a bit knowing that she really wasn't able to care for him at that time, and that she wanted us to parent him.

In this case, Alex will be taken from a stable, loving environment to be placed with us. He will be removed from all that he knows in order to live with his biological brother. As I pondered all this, I started to doubt if this was the best move for him. Is it fair of us to do this? Would he be better off being adopted by his current foster family? I prayed that God would make it clear to me that this really was the best decision for him.

I don't know that God has put a sign in front of me to show that we are doing the right thing, but I do believe that we are. First and foremost, his birthparents asked us to parent him. They chose us to raise him so that he could grow up with his brothers. It would not be fair to go against their wishes (since we are willing) just because we are scared or we feel bad. Second, he is young enough that he will probably not remember any of this as he gets older.

I hope to continue a relationship with his foster mom for many years to come. I'm not sure she will ever understand how much she has done for me over the past year and a half. I don't know that I will be able to explain to her how much she means to our family. I just pray that she continues to foster children for a long time. This world needs more women like her!

Moving forward

As you know, the baby is due in just over two weeks. With such a short time frame, I've been a little nervous about completing the home study before the baby arrives. Thankfully, we are working with an amazing agency that has assured me that we will be done in time.

Wednesday, I got word that our file was being assigned to a caseworker. Now, my gut reaction was to send an immediate e-mail introducing myself and hinting at the fact that we need this done ASAP. I was good, and did nothing. I realized that she would need some time to review our file, so my goal was to be patient. Within a few hours, she had already contacted me about setting up a meeting. Amazing! We ended up being able to schedule my individual interview for the next morning.

I've gone through home study interviews a few times, three to be exact, so I wasn't too nervous. I knew what questions were coming my way. What never goes away is the fear of having your answers judged and analyzed. That is just something that I had to get over.

You may wonder what questions were asked. You may not, but I'm going to share anyway. She broke up the questions based on the different aspects of my life. We started by talking about me - my likes, strengths, proud moments, etc. From there we moved into relationships with my family. We talked about my life as a mom - how has parenting changed me, what has been challenging, etc. We finished by talking about my marriage. This is where things got REAL personal. Like, stuff I don't share with my girlfriends personal. While it was a little weird answering her questions, I knew her reasoning for asking everything. She wanted to be sure that our marriage was in a good place so that we would be bringing the kids into a healthy environment.

Well, I survived my individual interview. Our caseworker will be coming over this weekend for Matt's individual appointment and our joint session. After that, we'll be pretty much done! It is crazy to think that we were able to finish a home study so quickly. Our home study with CJ lasted a few months. God is definitely guiding this process!

I'm not sure if I shared this before, but our foster license for Alex came through. Now, we are just waiting to hear from Arizona about when we should pick him up. The next hearing is in two weeks, so we are assuming that we'll head down around that time. It's looking like we'll get both boys around the same time.

As always, I'll keep you posted!

Sometimes parenting sucks!

Sometimes, parenting just sucks. I tried to think of a nicer way to say it, but I'm at a loss. Parenting is tough!

Lately, living with CJ has been like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is sweet and loving one minute, and then he turns around and scratches me because I didn't give him a second helping of crackers. He has been mean toward his friends, taking swings at them if he isn't happy about something. He talks back to me all the time.

I am struggling.

I would like to think that I am consistent in disciplining him when he acts up. When he disobeys, I act quickly and firmly. I have tried a variety of discipline techniques. I have limited his sugar intake. I religiously use essential oils on him. Nothing has seemed to make a lasting impact on him.

I understand that part of the issue is that he is 3-years old. I know being an only child does not help. While both may be true, they are also excuses. I know plenty of 3-year old kids that are respectful and kind.

What am I doing wrong?

No matter how hard I analyze my parenting style, I'm not sure that I am going to find an answer. For now, I am going to keep disciplining bad behavior and praising good behavior. I will also pray hard each day that CJ can act in a way that pleases God...and that I can do the same.

It's OK to ask for help!

Last week was one of the most draining of my life. As you know, we are in the process of getting licensed as a foster home while, at the same time, getting our paperwork together to start a home study with a private adoption agency. That alone has given me anxiety, but adding in a medical emergency nearly put me over the edge. Despite Matt being in the hospital for three days, I managed to survive, but only with the help of an amazing community.

I am not the mom who asks for help, even when I desperately need it. I do not easily admit when I am in over my head. I like to think that I can keep it together at all times. It was during the craziness of last week that God reminded me that I am not Supermom, nor should I try to be. He has blessed me with a community of family and friends that support my family through any situation we may encounter. Between prayer, childcare and food, I was overwhelmed by the help we received (and continue to receive).

I know how busy everyone is, which makes it even more special that they dropped things to help us. Being able to text friends and ask if they could watch CJ in the next 30 minutes is such a blessing. For one of my friends, I literally showed up on her doorstep at 9pm with CJ's pillow and asked if he could spend the night. Without hesitation, my friends said "yes." Within hours of being at the hospital, we had a meal schedule planned out. One friend even washed the dishes in my sink while she watched CJ.

When the insanity wore off, and life returned to "normal," I stopped to think about what I should take away from this experience. And then it hit me...God may just be preparing me for what is coming in 3-4 weeks. When we suddenly add two children to our family, I will most definitely need to ask for help. Maybe this was just a trial run to help me prep what for what is next. Whatever the reason, I'm glad I was reminded that that we all need to ask for help sometimes.