Dear birth mom...

This past week, Simply Real Moms allowed me to share a letter that I wrote to our birth mom. Honestly, it was one of the harder things I've shared. I'm open about most aspects of our adoption, but I tend to be very protective of my relationship with Brooke. This was definitely one of the more personal things I've written for the website. I get asked so often about having an open adoption. I think the idea scares most people, but after living it for five years, I wouldn't have it any other way.

http://www.simplyrealmoms.com/posts/dear-birth-mom

Happy National Adoption Month!

I do not have enough words to describe how much adoption has blessed my life. It is a road I never imagined we would journey down, but I am grateful for this path. It has connected me with amazing people, many of whom I would not have built a relationship with otherwise. It has taught me a lot, both about myself and the world around me. It has turned our lives upside down in the best way possible. It wasn't easy. It stretched us to our limits at times...many times. In the end, it was totally worth it. I thank God every day for our birth mom, three crazy boys, and the many friends I have made along the way.

Where did THAT come from?

As I mentioned before, I attended MOMcon last week. For the most part, it was incredible to be surrounded by that many other women who understood my needs, thoughts and craziness. I especially felt something amazing when we all worshiped together. There is something to be said about 3,000 women praising Jesus in the same room.

While I loved feeling excited about my job as a wife and mother, I noticed some strange feelings creeping in. You see, there were several moments during the conference that I was reminded of my title "Adoptive Mom." It was never done intentionally. No one purposely made me feel like I was something different. Nevertheless, it was there.

Before I begin, let me just tell you that I pride myself on not being bitter or defensive when it comes to the way God grew my family. I love answering questions about adoption. I love encouraging other moms who may be considering it as an option for their family. Only a few questions or comments really get to me anymore...or so I thought.

Very rarely do people assume you are an adoptive mom when you are just talking about your kids. In my case, even when they see my family they do not assume it. Because the majority of moms at the conference are biological moms (or at least that is my guess), no one assumed that I had not birthed my three crazy boys. The first few comments didn't even really make it into my stream of consciousness.

"Are you going to try for a girl?" - probably the question I get asked most frequently, whether talking about my boys are being out with them.

And then, I started noticing more comments.

"You all know what I'm talking about, labor is rough." - nope, can't say that I do...
"You ladies know where babies come from, I mean, your moms, you've been there." - again, nope
"It's like the first time you feel your baby move inside of you." - um, I've had indigestion before, is that close?

It was in the final workshop of the conference that I actually started getting frustrated and even a bit angry. Why? I have no idea. I know their comments were harmless. I've heard it all before.

I felt it because I was supposed to be in a safe place that encouraged me as a wife an mother. By making me feel singled out, it no longer became safe.

I felt it because I wanted someone to acknowledge my experience and help me see how to use it in the best way possible.

I felt it for the moms who are not in a good place about adoption. It is painful to admit that you will not bear children. It takes time to heal, even when you have a beautiful baby in your arms. I pray that for the ladies in attendance who struggle with their family path. I hope they all are able to see God's incredible plan, even in the darkest moments.

Please know that I do see the wee bit of crazy that crept into my line of thinking. You may not understand why I started to become offended...heck, I don't even fully understand it. It's just another moment that makes me realize that adoption is so much deeper than bringing home a baby.

Me time...finally!

This past week, I had the opportunity to attend MOMcon, the conference hosted by MOPS International. I have attended conferences in the past, but they were all designed for professional development. This was not only to improve my skills as a MOPS leader, but also as a Christian, wife and mom. Now that I am thinking about it, I guess that was professional development given that I am a stay-at-home mom. Ha! And here I was thinking it was just about me.

While I was excited to get away from the chaos, laundry and tantrums for a few days, I was more excited to learn. You see, the past year at my house has been challenging, as I've mentioned before. I was at a point where I knew something needed to change...and that something was me. I saw myself getting frustrated and angry faster, becoming a little lazier around the house, and not engaging with my boys nearly as much as I felt that I should. I was in a mom slump. I read several books in an attempt to "fix" it. I talked with friends and tried to sort through why I was lacking at home. I prayed that I would magically become more excited about housework and train sets.

"You're just tired." "You need to do more for you." "Every mom has one of those days at some point." While all that may be true, I was using those as excuses. My job is to care for my home and raise my children to be strong Christian boys. When I was working, I could never tell a supervisor "I'm just tired, so I'm not going to get ___ done." Hello, fired!

Sitting in the various workshops and sessions, I was reminded of who I was serving. Yes, I am serving Matt and my three boys, but I am also serving the Lord in all that I do. Do I really want to do a mediocre job for Him?

My greatest hope, as I settle back into my routine, is that I can keep these ideas and feelings at the forefront of my everyday thoughts. I don't want to lose the high that I brought back from Indy. I want to remain excited to play "fight" or "landfill" with my boys. I want to honor and respect my husband in all that I do. I want to turn to the Lord every time I feel the need to control my situation.

I won't be successful every day, but I will try. I believe that was the underlying message of many of the speakers I heard. You won't get it right all the time, but you don't need to let failures consume your thoughts or deter you from trying tomorrow. I believe it's only failure if it stops you from trying again.

Disappointment and relief

I'm usually pretty open about our life on Facebook, but for some reason, I have been surprisingly quiet about a situation we were faced with recently. I've spent some time thinking about why I might be so reserved this time around. I don't know that I have an answer, but I believe it has something to do with protecting our birth mom from judgment.

You see, Brooke is pregnant. Yes, you read that right. Not only is she pregnant, but she is 8 months along and expecting a girl. When we received her letter in the mail, I was shell shocked. What do you do with that kind of information? The letter merely stated that she was expecting a girl in a little over a month. It didn't share her intent or make any requests of us. And yet, I spent the next three days praying, stressing, and contemplating what this could mean for my family.

Our lives are complete chaos about 90% of the time, how could we, in good conscience, add to that with another child? At the same time, how do we turn down the adoption of our boys' little sister? We've always talked about wanting a girl, but to have her come when we already have three boys??

I started getting angry. How could she do this to us? How could she put us in that position? What will people think if we adopt, or if we don't adopt?

If you haven't gathered already from previous posts, I am a worrier and a little bit of a planner (understatement of the year). A dear friend wrote me an amazing note that reminded me that I currently had nothing to worry about. Brooke had not shared her plans with us, so she could very likely be planning to parent (that concern is a whole other blog post). We had been very clear with her after Jake was born that we would not be in a place to adopt another child. But...what if she asked us? But, she hadn't. Stop worrying and ask God to take the burden from your shoulders.

Thankfully, God answered my prayers four days after we received that letter. I had written her back immediately, and included my phone number. I knew there was a solid chance that she had lost it, so I wanted to be sure she could contact me sooner than relying on snail mail. On that fourth day, my phone rang and the caller ID showed a number from her city. Holy cow! This is it! What if she asks us? What is she going to say? Stop asking questions and just answer the phone!

"Hi Katie! I just wanted to let you know that I've picked a really great family in New Hampshire to raise this little girl. Can I give them your number and address so they can keep in touch with your boys?"

Wow, not exactly what I was expecting.

Now, I'll admit, there is a certain amount of disappointment that she didn't ask us. Almost hurt. It's funny though, because we had already told her we couldn't adopt any more children. Why feel sadness over something that was probably not going to happen? We had basically decided that we would not be able to adopt this baby (no judgment, please, we had to consider our current family and the impact another adoption would have on everyone). After taking a few days to really think about it, I realized that there were a few things that I was grieving:

1. The loss of a daughter, or at least the possibility of parenting a daughter. I've said many times that I would struggle raising a girl, but it's still hard to accept when you are saying good-bye to that thought.

2. The potential loss of a sister for my boys. I can hope and pray that her adoptive family is open to a relationship with us, but it's totally up to them. They certainly don't have to have any communication. I think I've shared that they have three half-siblings that were born before CJ. I am definitely sad that they probably will never know those kids simply because we probably won't be able to find them (without the help of a private investigator). This hits a little closer because she is a full bio siblings of Jake & Alex. Plus, she is arriving after we have a relationship with Brooke, so it already feels like she is family. I really do hope that this family will keep in touch so that CJ, Alex and Jake can communicate with their little sister.

3. The fear of the unknown with this new adoptive family. I know the amount of love and support that we could provide, and that our family and friends provide. I have no idea who these people are. As hard as it is to say, this is not my worry. Brooke, along with an attorney, selected them for whatever reason, so she much believe that they are going to care for this little girl. I have to trust that she will be well cared for.

While I've gone through some sadness about this whole thing, in general, I am more relieved than anything else. I am so thankful that we did not have to make the decision. I cannot imagine how hard it would have been say no if Brooke had asked us to take the baby. At the same time, I cannot imagine adding a child to our family at this time.

God knew what our family could take on right now, and He made the decision for us.

This is just another facet of adoption that I would never have anticipated. When we brought CJ home, I would never have guessed that three more babies would have come after him. This has reminded me to withhold judgment when I hear of things that adoptive parents are dealing with. Every situation appears to have an easy or logical answer, but that is not always the case.

He is mine.

In adoption, there are often times when you experience thoughts and feelings that you would have never expected. Not that you expect things to go differently, just that you don't even consider that something will effect you. With CJ, I vividly remember how bittersweet our time was in the hospital following his birth. I knew we would be ecstatic as we welcomed our first child, but I hadn't considered how sad it would be as I watched Brooke say good-bye to her little boy.

Being our second and third adoptions, I kind of thought that I would be mentally and emotionally prepared. Nothing was going to surprise me this time around. Guess what...each adoption experience is different. Shocking, right?!

From the day we brought the boys home to the days we finalized their adoptions, I was too busy to really process what was happening. Now that we are reaching a "normal" pace, I am able to look at what happened over the past year.

I was talking with a friend last week, and I made a comment that basically said that I couldn't make a decision about Alex without checking first. She looked at me a little funny and I realized what I had just come out of my mouth (and what has clearly been resting in the back of my mind). I had forgotten that Alex is mine.

He was our foster son for 10 months before we were finally able to drop the "foster" part of that title (which I realize is short compared to what some families have to endure). During that time, I had to check in with our case worker before making any big decisions about his care. You get into the habit of pausing to think about what your case worker would say, do or suggest. The funny thing is, our case worker for Alex was pretty laid back about things because she knew we were going to adopt him. We really didn't have to deal with some of the red tape and processes that other foster parents had to deal with. Despite all that, I still find myself pausing before I contact a doctor, therapist or teacher. I sometimes feel like I need permission to make some of those big decisions. Why? Insecurity, possibly. Habit, probably.

Even though it was a relatively short time between placement and finalization, my only experience as his mom had included the requirement to follow state guidelines and procedures. I had never just been Alex's mom. I definitely complained about the policies and procedures, but I can now see that there was some security in that. I knew that I had a safety net. If something went wrong, I could drop it in someone else's lap. If there was a problem, someone else would help me deal with it.

Now? Now, it's just me and Matt. That's scary. It's like riding a bike for the first time after being used to training wheels. You may be ready to take those wheels off, but you still have those fears and doubts about how it will go.

While it can be intimidating to think about, I am grateful that we are able to simply live as a family. It is a responsibility that I don't take lightly, and one that I definitely do not take for granted. I'm sure one day I will not pause before making a decision, I won't feel the need to check in with someone. One day my brain will fully acknowledge what my heart already knows...that these boys are mine.

A Year in Review

I've been a little absent from this blog lately. It isn't that I haven't had things to say. There have been so many things that I've wanted to write about. It's just that, I have three kids. Not just three kids...three crazy, energetic boys who have been fighting like cats and dogs. I was at my breaking point. It's probably better that I didn't write anything because I'm sure it would not have been pretty.

As I laid in bed last night, after putting down my copy of Have a New Kid By Friday, I realized that we are just a normal family. Siblings fight. Children are disobedient. Moms want to hide in a closet just to find a few moments of peace. While this phase is driving me nuts, I am grateful that we finally feel like a family. It only took us a year...

The past year was easily the fastest and slowest year of my life. From the week I spent with Alex and Jake in Phoenix waiting for our ICPC clearance to the months when CJ acted out just to bring our attention back to himself to both adoption finalization hearings. I cannot believe how much has happened since last August 4th, the day we picked up Alex. As I think about all of the ups and downs, I can think of a few key things that I learned along the way.

1. I could not have done this on my own. Between my family and my "sister wives" and my MOPS group (and many, many more), a lot of people have contributed to helping us through this transition. From the moment we heard Jake was born, I had to start asking for help. It isn't easy. Pride wants you to think that you can handle it on your own, and you aren't a great mom if you can't. It is humbling to call someone and say "I cannot do this without you." I am so grateful that we have so many people who stepped up and offered support, meals, babysitting, and wine (my personal fave).

2. The transition is more like hiking through a mountain range, rather than clearing a single mountain. We started off in a honeymoon phase, and then reality set in, and then we found a groove and then one of the boys started having crazy tantrums. And then the cycle would continue. As soon as I felt like we were getting it, something else would happen and throw off our groove. While we are far from perfect, we are normal. I think we are nearing the end of our hike through this transition. While we will start a new hike through a new phase, I'm grateful we are moving forward.

3. I underestimated the challenges, as well as the blessings. I knew we were going to face difficult times, but I could not have anticipated what we experienced. I went to bed crying more times than I'd like to admit because I had no idea how we were going to make it through the next day. Somehow we did it, and kept on going. It wasn't until I was at a counseling appointment with Alex that I had a breakthrough. The therapist asked me about Alex's strengths. It had been a particularly challenging day, so it took me a minute. Once I got going, I developed a nice long list. It was at that moment that I realized that the only way I was going to make it through was to focus on the strengths. CJ's strengths, Alex's strengths, Jake's strengths, Matt's strengths, my strengths and our strengths as a family. I had to stop focusing on how hard it was and start appreciating the wonderful gifts and skills God gave to each of us. Once I changed my outlook, things got a little easier. It was still hard, and I still went to bed crying sometimes, but I started having more good days than bad.

As I look back and think about where we started, what we experienced, and how far we've come...I'm proud. I feel accomplished by the growth we've all seen over the course of the past year. There will always be transitions and stages that are challenging, but at least I know that I can handle it.

Father's Day

I struggle with Mother's Day every year. My heart aches for Brooke, who I am confident, misses each of the children that she has delivered. As we prepare to celebrate Father's Day tomorrow, I realized that I do not feel that same way about the boys' birth fathers.

At first, I felt guilty that I didn't think of them as much. I mean, they share just as much DNA as Brooke does.

There is a big difference though...

Brooke was really affected by her decision to place the boys for adoption. I don't believe their birth fathers showed as much concern. Both men signed their termination papers as soon as possible. Neither put up a fight. Neither have attempted to contact us for updates.

I do have some of the same questions. Do they think about the boys? Do they have any regrets about their decision to place the boys? Will they want a relationship with the boys in the future?

Tomorrow, I will spend a moment thinking about both men. I will pray that they are safe, healthy and making good decisions in their lives. I will ask God that one day, they will be open to having a relationship with my boys (if the boys want that relationship). I will thank God that both men signed those termination papers, allowing us to parent their sweet boys.

Introducing...Alex!

After almost 10 months of being hidden on social media, I would like to officially introduce you to our Alex.

Given that we've made him turn his head in so many pictures, it only seemed fair that we do the same for one.

For his finalization hearing, we had the same judge who finalized Jacob's adoption.

Praise the Lord, we are done!

Finalization...finally!

We finally got word that Alex's adoption finalization has been scheduled. Praise the Lord! He will officially be a Fischer on June 3rd.

I did have a little bit of a scare today. Our social worker in Arizona let me know that there is one additional form that needs to be signed, but it must be done before we finalize. Are you kidding me? Is it possible that we will have to delay again?

Nope! Thankfully, the document that needs to be signed should arrive at our house on Saturday. We'll sign it and mail it back and it should arrive in plenty of time to be processed before June 3rd. Whew! That was a close call! We do have a few documents that will need to get to AZ by the end of next week, but we should not experience any delays.

It is a little weird to think that we will soon be done with home visits, licensing requirements, and calling in for update hearings. We won't need to get permission to leave the county (yes, county, not country). We don't need to carry a document that allows us to obtain medical services if the need should arrive.

While I am excited to be able to simply live our lives, I'm also a little nervous (and maybe a little sad) to say good-bye to the amazing support system that has been in place for the past 9 months. While we have to deal with a lot of processes and policies, we also have access to a lot of services. We'll still get some of the services, but it won't be the same. It's all on us now!

I look forward to being able to "introduce" you to Alex in two weeks!

Happy Mother's Day

My journey to motherhood was a long one. I do not for one second take for granted the title of "Mom;" a title I would not hold without a loving decision made by Brooke (our boys' birth mom).

Every year, in the midst of the celebrations, I feel a bit of sadness as I consider how today must feel for her. My mind goes back to the moment she handed CJ over to us. The tears in her eyes as she thanked us for loving her little boy. I think about the phone call asking for help with Alex, and the follow up call to let us know that she was pregnant with Jake. I reread the letters she has sent us that describe the pain and loss she feels, while at the same time the peace in knowing they are being loved and cared for.

While she will never read this post, I pray that she feels the love we have for her. The respect we have for her decision to place these boys with us, when she had other options that she could have considered. I hope that no matter what happens in her life, that she will remain in touch with our family because she is forever a part of it.

Could this be it?

This morning, I begrudgingly wrote "compile licensing renewal paperwork" on my to-do list. If I'm being honest, I had been completely ignoring it for the past few weeks. While I didn't want to work on it, I knew that I need to have it started just in case Alex's adoption finalization happens after June 30th.

I got all of the kids down for their naps (yes, that's right, all three down at the same time) and I pulled out the licensing packet to start the process. As I went into my e-mail to gather a few documents, I noticed an e-mail from our case worker.

Our consent form was received by Clark County from Arizona, which was the missing piece when it came to finalization. Finally, a step in the right direction!

Our case worker gave me the green light to contact an attorney and two minutes later I was leaving a voice mail for the attorney's assistant. An hour later, she called back and I gave her the name of our case worker. Thirty minutes later, she called again to let me know that our case worker had already sent her all of the necessary documents and she was ready to prep our paperwork. After giving her a few pieces of information, she promised to have the document ready for us to sign on Friday. Once that is complete, we will wait to be assigned a judge and hearing date. Things are moving!!

Obviously, there can always be delays. I think the process of adopting Alex has proven that delays can be constant. However, I feel confident that we will complete his adoption by the end of June.

I cannot tell you how blessed I feel by the people who God has placed in this process. Our case worker is ah-mazing! Despite a heavy case load, she responds to requests and questions within the same day, whenever possible. She is flexible with visits. She genuinely cares about our case (which makes sense since she's been working on it for almost two years now). We had a great attorney for Jacob's finalization, but decided to work with an attorney who frequently works with county foster care cases. I've only been working with them for a day, but I'm already impressed. The assistant has gotten things to our case worker immediately and has been in contact with me several times today. I can already tell that I will like working with them.

This process has been tough, but the challenges and frustrations are starting to fade as I focus on how great it feels to be at the end.

Seriously, how much longer??

It's been awhile since I've had anything to share. Sadly, I still have nothing to share other than some frustration I'm feeling about this process. It seems like it will never end!

Our foster license needs to be renewed this summer, and we were hoping that Alex's adoption would finalize before we needed to submit everything. I mean, I'm willing to do the work, but if we don't need to then why go through it? It sounded like we would not need to send in the paperwork (I'll share a list later, if you're interested), and so I filed the form away and didn't think about it again (which is why I'll have to share the list later; out of sight, out of mind).

Well, yesterday I received an e-mail that stated that the agency in AZ "hoped to finalize within the next six months." Seriously!? What could possibly be taking so long? Our adoption home study was completed and sent off to Arizona several weeks ago. I know they received it. I realize there are steps in this process, but it seems like we should just be filing paperwork to go to court at this point.

Our worker here in Clark County is wonderful and trying to get information to us as fast as she can get it, but when you are working between states, everything just takes longer.

For now, I'll just sit here and allow myself to feel frustrated for the next three minutes, and then I'll get up and start preparing our license renewal paperwork. One day we'll be done...

Officially a Fischer!

Today, we welcomed a new family holiday...Jake's adoption finalization!

We started the process last April, when we first learned that Brooke was pregnant and asked that we adopt the baby. Now, a year later, that chapter of our life has closed and a new one has begun.

While I am so thankful to be finished, it does feel a bit surreal. I think I've made this comparison before, but it's kind of like getting married. You work for months and months on the planning and paperwork, and then suddenly it's all over. I know it sounds funny, but there is almost a moment of sadness that one "normal" is gone and we have to begin a new one.

I am so thankful for the hard work of Adoption Choices of Nevada, Adoption Choices of Arizona and Webster & Associates (our attorney). They made the process enjoyable and kept my stress levels low (or at least as low as possible).

We now wait for our final adoption finalization. We should be getting scheduled for Alex's hearing pretty soon, and have been told that it will be done by the end of June. I think the reality of it all will hit me at that point. Until then, I'm going to enjoy having one less process to worry about.

Thank you for your prayers as we've gone through this. I would not have made it through otherwise.


He's happy to officially be a Fischer!


A picture with our judge (Alex's face cannot be shown until his adoption is finalized).

Where is the excitement?

We are a few days away from Jake's adoption finalization, which is really hard to believe. We've been working on this process for a year now. I feel like I should be more excited about it. Actually, I feel guilty that I don't feel more excited. When we adopted CJ, we had a countdown once we were given a court date. It was all I could think about in the days leading up to the hearing.

Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that the process is almost over. I look forward to seeing the last name Fischer on his birth certificate. I just wonder why we aren't making a bigger deal about this.

It could be that since we have been through this before, so we know what to expect. It is possible that it already feels official in my mind. Maybe it's because life is way crazier now, so we just don't have time to think about it. It is probably a combination of all three, especially the crazy life part.

Whatever the reason, I am trying not to let it bother me. I know that I love Jake. I know that I will be excited as we enter the courtroom on Monday. I know that we will celebrate with family and friends when the judge makes official what we knew the minute we picked him up...that he is a member of the Fischer family.

I will not miss this!

When I talk with people about the challenges we are experiencing with the kids, they often respond with something to the effect of "try to enjoy it, because one day you'll realize how much you miss these years." I say, BS!

I have a hard time believing that I am going to miss 3 hour temper tantrums. Or being awakened every two hours because my baby is teething. Or having my preschooler tell me how much he doesn't like me (although I'm pretty sure that lasts for many years to come). Or scheduling monthly home visits to make sure that I'm properly caring for my two youngest children. Or having almost no identity outside of the four walls I call home.

I know that there are parts of this stage that I will miss. Being able to hold Jacob in my arms. Alex's inability to open doors. CJ's awesome dance moves (I really hope those never go away, and that he always feels comfortable dancing his little heart out). Not having to figure out how to balance a full-time job with raising three spirited boys. I am blessed in many ways; I acknowledge that.

But, why do people feel the need to "make me feel better" by suggesting that I should be happier or more grateful than I am. Why do I have to enjoy every phase my children go through.

It is easy to suggest that things really aren't as bad as they seem, or that I'm ignoring how wonderful things really are. Why can't people just say "that really sucks" when I share some of the problems I'm working through.

I'm not suggesting that you let me wallow in self-pity or anger. It would not be healthy to focus solely on the various crap that I deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes I need to be put in check, but sometimes, I just need to vent.

This is a tough time in our house, and I know it will pass.

Requiring vaccinations?

A friend recently posted an article on Facebook about a new requirement for foster parents in the state of Washington. Effective January 11th, foster families are required to receive pertussis and influenza vaccinations if they plan to care of a child 2 years of age and younger. Now, dozens of families are saying they will allow their license to lapse because they do not agree with the decision.

I've been sitting here thinking about this for awhile now, and I just don't know how I feel about it. I can honestly say that I see both sides of the argument.

I totally understand why foster parents are frustrated. We already have a laundry list of requirements that we meet in order to care for these children. This feels like one more hoop to jump through. In addition, there are many people who choose not to vaccinate for a variety of reasons.

On the other hand, the health and safety of the children should be at the forefront of all that we do as foster parents. Children 2 and under are definitely high risk and need the added protection from pertussis and the flu.

I'm wondering if other states will follow suit. To be honest, I'm surprised we haven't seen this more, given how bad flu season has been the past couple of years.

The sad fact is that the children in the system will probably be the ones impacted the most. As it is, there are not enough foster homes. To see that number decrease even more will mean that current foster families will potentially be placed with more children. The state of Washington will have their work cut out for them in recruiting more families.

Here is the article, if you are interested: http://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/foster-parents-to-forgo-licenses-over-forced-flu-shots/

What do you think?

Post-adoption blues

This is a great article about the side of adoption that many people don't see or know about. I think a lot of adoptive parents are embarrassed by some of the feelings they experience after bringing the baby home. I can say, from experience, that these are right on.

https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/adoption-welcome-home/complex-post-adoption-emotions/?FBAdsFans

It's not you, it's me...

At my MOPS meeting this past week, we had a speaker talk about being fearless to follow God's plan for your life. One of our discussion questions was about our current fears and what is holding us back. It had been a looooonnnng week with one of our boys, and so I ended up with what I like to call verbal diarrhea. As I talked about my fears of parenting spirited (and at times, difficult) children, I realized something...

My biggest issue comes because I had unknowingly set expectations on how this entire process would go.

Last summer, I told myself that we were ready to take on the challenge of two additional children. I was certain that we would experience some bumps, but assumed that we could move through them quickly. I was confident that after 3-6 months, we be a cohesive family unit. I never considered the fact that one of the boys could have more deep-seeded problems than simple transitional issues.

Reality was harsh.

We are seven months into this process, and it still sucks at times. The behavioral issues are a cycle. The challenges keep coming. My expectations keep getting crushed. But you know what, it's going to be ok.

While we've experienced every emotion under the sun and more challenges than I would have anticipated, we have also received more love and support than I could have pictured. I am so grateful for the friends who offer to take one or more kids when another is having a rough day. I appreciate the texts that say "You need a night out. I'll be over in 10 minutes to pick you up." I tear up when a friend tells that me she's been praying for me.

If I could go back in time to give myself advice, it would be this:

~Erase all expectations and just know that there will be challenges and there will be successes. Everyone's experience is different and literally nothing will prepare for you what is coming. You may feel like you are taking several steps back, but there is always forward movement.

~You need to rely on others and ask for help. You have an amazing community, it doesn't do you any good to attempt to handle this on your own. God placed these people in your life for a reason.

~The behavior of your children during this transition (and any other time, really) is not necessarily a reflection of you. There are so many factors at work in this situation, that it would be impossible to say that there is one reason for it all. Release yourself from some of the pressure and guilt, and simply focus on the kids.

And finally...

~When you have no other options in sight, fall to your knees in prayer. There will be moments when you have no idea what to do next. Go to God. He has an answer for you.

I pray for those who are considering adoption or foster care. It is not for the faint at heart. My hope is that they have the support system in place to make it through the dark days, and friends who are ready to celebrate the good ones. If you are in this process and don't have a strong community yet, I'd encourage you to start looking. Adoption/foster care groups, churches and even playgrounds are great places to connect with other moms. Even Facebook groups can be helpful when you aren't sure what to do. I've somehow managed to meet other adoptive moms in the kids' section at Target. We're out there! I also hope that my experience with high expectations can help prepare someone else for what lies ahead.

It isn't easy, but it will be well worth it in the long run.

Quick Update

I've been terrible about posting updates on how our process is going. One of the boys had some struggles last week, and so everything else got put on hold. We're back to "normal" and I've had some time to gather my thoughts. Here are a few quick updates for you:

!. Jacob's adoption finalization will be Monday, April 6th. We are so excited that we have a date! The fact that it falls the day after Easter allows Matt's parents to attend because they had already planned on being in Las Vegas for the weekend.

2. Alex's adoption home study is in process. We've done everything we can at this point, and are now just waiting for things to get sent down to Arizona.

3. We found out that we will finalize Alex's adoption here in Las Vegas. We had been under the impression that we would travel to Arizona for the hearing, but our social worker clarified with me last week. It would have been nice to have a reason to go down and visit some people, but we are grateful for one less trip on our calendar.

That's it for now. I'm hoping that I'll soon be able to share Alex's finalization date with you. :)

I can almost see the finish line!

To think that we started this process almost two years ago is crazy. I don't think I could have ever imagined the twists and turns our lives would take between February 2013 and now. We still have some things to do, but I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel.

First, we were told that we would not have to a whole new home study for Alex's adoption. What a relief. Honestly, we're getting pretty good at home studies at this point (we've had four done so far), but I'd rather not go through it again. All we'll need to do is submit a few documents and have our fingerprints redone. Easy peasy! Thankfully, I already had one of the documents, so really we just need to schedule with the county for our prints. We do still have one more home visit this month before we can move toward adoption. It sounds like we will finalize Alex much earlier than we anticipated.

For Jake, we have one more home visit this month. We just received a request for a local background check, but were able to visit Las Vegas Metro PD this morning to take care of that. I believe we've turned in everything possible to our attorney, so now we just wait for our final report to be written.

To say that I'm glad we're almost done is an understatement. I really like our social workers, but I would love to not have to worry about scheduling monthly visits. It feels a little surreal that the end is near. I just pray that this final stretch is a smooth one!

Brooke's tummy

I always wonder how much CJ understands about adoption. We talk about their birthmom and share their adoption stories (obviously age appropriate versions right now). We read kids books about adoption occasionally. We have worked hard to ensure that adoption is a normal word in our house. Even with all of that, I have always assumed that most of the information goes over his head. He's four; I don't think he cares a whole lot just yet.

Today at church, we had a conversation with one of CJ's friends about Jake. CJ's response blew me away.

E - "Miss Katie, when was baby Jake in your tummy?"
Me - "He wasn't. He was in someone else's tummy, but we get to take care of him."
CJ - "Yeah, we all came from Brooke's tummy."

What?!

I guess he pays attention when we talk about it. While I don't know if he really understands what it means to be in someone else's tummy, I think it is awesome that his response came so naturally.

Down the road, we will have many more conversations about adoption. I will have to answer more in-depth questions. He will want to know why he came into our family if started in Brooke's tummy. He will need to understand how she made her decisions. He will have to wrestle with various feelings often associated with adoption (i.e. grief, anger, confusion, etc.).

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about having those conversations. I am confident in how we will answer them, but they are still scary to think about because we have no idea how our answers will affect him.

I have to say that after hearing him talk about Brooke, I feel a little better knowing that there will never be a moment when he is shocked to learn that he is adopted.

Un-adopting?

I learned a new phrase a few weeks ago...un-adopting.

This is the practice of "re-homing" an adopted child due to extreme emotional or behavioral issues. Often, the child joined the family as a toddler or older, and in many cases it was an international adoption.

Apparently, this is common enough that there are agencies devoted to second adoptions.

I don't even know what to say or think about this. I don't want to judge the decisions made by the adoptive families because I have no idea what they were experiencing. We've experienced transitional issues, but they certainly did not include physical violence that would require medical treatment, as was shared in the articles. I find it terribly sad that a family felt that they had no other option other than to remove the child from their family. These stories make me wonder what (if anything) could have been done to prevent things from going this far.

Adoption finalizations are definitely a moment of joy for a family, but they can be a little scary. For the past 6 months to a year, families have had regular visits from their social worker and access to support whenever needed. Once you go to court, everything stops. So what happens when you have difficulties after you finalize? Some agencies are willing to provide support, but not all. Why are there not more resources for families after finalization?

Like I said, I'm trying not to be judgmental. However, when we decided to adopt, we viewed it as a permanent decision. We knew that our future child could have any number of issues. We were committed to providing this child with whatever support or resources that they may need. It is no different than if we had given birth to a child. I'm guessing that most parents would not place their biological child for adoption if behavior became a problem. Why is it any different for an adoptive parent.

I think I am bothered because this is making adoptive parents look bad. People who are against adoption (yes, these people are out there) are using as fuel for their fight. They are making blanket statements about the intentions and commitment level of adoptive parents. While I could care less about what others think, it saddens me that adoption is getting a bad rap.

Instead of jumping on these parents, we should start finding resources and support for families with child who are exhibiting serious emotional or behavioral problems. There has to be a more positive solution. I just pray that as people consider adoption, especially of older children, they identify possible resources to use in the event that problems occur. Let's be proactive, instead of reactive.

The roller coaster

Lately I've been thinking about how prepared I was to bring two children into our family. The answer...not very. After a rough week with one of the kids, I realized that I underestimated the challenges that we would face. I had done enough research to know what could happen, but I had not considered the possibility that it would happen more than once.

I'll explain.

When we picked up the boys this summer, we knew that there would be a lot of potential adjustment issues for our entire family. In my mind, we would fight through the difficult times and, after a period of time, we would be a cohesive family unit. What I was not expecting was the roller coaster. The ups and downs. Finally feeling like we'd made it through the worst, only to see one or more of the kids regress.

Talk about feeling defeated. I questioned what we had been doing. I grasped at straws to figure out a new approach.

What finally worked was to completely change how I handled each child. I started reading a great book (Raising Your Spirited Child) and took some of their suggestions to heart. I paid very close attention to the triggers for each child and worked to prevent outbursts before they started. It doesn't always work, but things have gotten much better. The other solution...time. As more time goes by, we will better understand each child and their needs.

I do wish that we had known that we'd live on a roller coaster for awhile. When social workers talked to us about the transition period, it would have been helpful to know that we would have periods of peace in between the extreme chaos. It wasn't until a few weeks ago, when I talked with another adoptive couple, that my experience was validated and I learned that it would not be a hill to climb so much as a mountain range to get past.

You know what though, it will get better. It already has. One day, we'll look back and realize that this is simply a blip in our family story.

Small Victories

The past few weeks, I've been feeling very down about how things are going around our house. With all of the craziness of the holidays, life has been a little crazy at our house. Both of the older boys have a hard time dealing with excess stimulation, so between Christmas and New Years, they been struggling.

It's so easy to focus on the challenges. The fighting between the boys. The yelling when someone doesn't get his way. The disrespect. I have found myself feeling slightly depressed because I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm not an effective mother because I have no idea what will work with each of the boys. Just when I think I've found a solution, they stop responding to it. I have to keep reminding myself that this whole process takes time. It's only been about 5 months, which means we still have a lot of time before things even out.

When things get bad, I am so thankful when God blesses us with good days.

The past two days have been amazing. They older boys have been playing really well together. They ask to go play in their rooms together. They haven't been fighting as much. They are looking out for one another. Praise Jesus! I pray every day that they will play well together. It brings my heart so much joy to watch them running around the house screaming with joy. I don't actually like the screaming, but when it's happy shouts we let it go.

I know that we will continue to move forward in bonding as a family. We will have bad days, but I hope that we can move past them quickly and focus on all of the joy that God has given us.

Goals for 2015

We're two days into the new year, and I'm already stressed out. How is that possible? Oh yeah, I've got three kids (two of whom has been over-the-top moody the past few days). After spending a little time thinking about my interactions with the kids lately, I decided I needed to set some goals for myself.

In no particular order...

1. To not let my anger/frustration boil over in the heat of the moment - my kids know exactly how to push my buttons! The problem is, I've given them that ability. Lately, I have let them get to me even more than normal. It isn't healthy for any of us to have me angry, yelling or upset. I know they will continue to do things that drive me nuts, but I am going to choose to stop and say a quick prayer before I react.

2. To forgive myself for mistakes that I make, and not dwell on them - there are things I do everyday that I feel bad about. I get upset with my husband, kids and dog. I make selfish choices. I let people down (unintentionally). From here on out, I am going to pray about it and then let it go. I will not let my mistakes define who I am as a wife, mother or friend.

3. To spend quality time with each child - with three kids, it is almost impossible to really put in the time that I would like with each of them individually. It may not be everyday, but I am determined to give all three boys time with me on a regular basis. I want their memories to consist of me taking time to just be with them, as opposed to getting things done for them.

4. To give Matt his rightful place as head of our household - I am strong-willed...to put it mildly. Sometimes (ok, a lot more than I'd like to admit) I do not show Matt the respect he deserves. My hope it to put his needs ahead of my own, knowing that he is trying to do the same.

5. To spend time daily with the Lord - I receive one or two devotions through e-mail each day, but I don't always get to read them. Often, the kids get up as soon as I'm out of the shower in the morning, and by naptime I have a long list of things that need to get done before they wake up. The problem is, I feel a difference when I am not reading the bible and/or praying on a regular basis. In order to accomplish my other goals, I have to get this one going first. The only way that I am going to be able to be a good wife and mother is to rely on the Lord and look to Him for knowledge and support.

So, 2015, I will work on this. When I fail, which I will, I will go to bed realizing that I can start fresh the very next day. I don't plan to be a perfect wife or mother. I don't expect a complete change by the end of January. I do expect to give it my best and celebrate the successes.