I'm a Mom, Therefore I Judge

I can't remember if I've already mentioned it, but Brooke (CJ's birth mom) is pregnant. She called to let me know right around when CJ turned 18 months. In our first conversation, I didn't have the nerve to ask what her plan was for this baby. I didn't want to push, but I also wanted to know in case she was considering adoption again. After all, it would be awesome to have a biological sibling for CJ. I called her back a few weeks later to talk about something else, and I decided to ask about her plan. She shared that they were planning to parent this time.

I feel guilty, but my heart dropped. I immediately made judgments that were not fair (or nice). I even verbalized these to some of our friends. I'm embarrassed. Who am I to assume that I know what will happen if Brooke parents a baby? How do I know what would be best for this child? While I can make some assumptions based on things I know and have seen, it is definitely not my place to do so. The more I've talked to Brooke since she shared the news, the happier I am for her. While I would still love to have a bio-sibling for CJ, I can tell that she will do everything in her power to give this child a good life. Even though it's been several months since our initial conversation, it still eats away at me a little.

As I've thought more about this, it got me thinking about how much we (as moms) tend to judge without even realizing it. Maybe we realize it, but we label it as something that sounds more appropriate. Bottom line, I don't know anyone that isn't guilty of this, myself included. There is already so much pressure as a mom, why do we allow ourselves to be dragged back into the drama that we thought we left after high school graduation? Lately, I've heard several friends talk about feeling judged for decisions that they are making or have made for their children. I have tried to figure out why we contribute to making each other feel like crap. I don't have an answer, but if I think of one I'll put it in a book and make millions.

I think a big part of it is that most women feel under-prepared and under-qualified to be a parent. We need to make someone else sound worse, in order for us to feel better. Related to that, we need to feel that our decisions truly are the best, which means putting down someone who made the opposite choice for her child. What do we hope to accomplish by criticizing a women for going back to work, or formula feeding, or opting to vaccinate. Wow, someone is revealing her issues! I can vividly remember a woman at church talking me to about staying home versus working. Her exact words were "You don't plan to go back to work, do you?" Oh, yeah, no judgment there (please read the strong sarcasm). I felt awful. As an adoptive mom, I'm sure there were women that wanted to know why I would adopt only to pop my son into daycare. Well, for starters, I was a better mom because I continued working. I think that I'm a better stay-at-home mom now because I had that experience. It took a long time for me to feel confident in my role as CJ's mom.

If someone wants to ask a leading question now, that is fine. I simply answer it, without apology, and move on. Neither of us will change our minds based on that conversation, so let's just stick to conversation that we can both agree on. Like, how crazy Brandi is on RHOBH (if you don't know that acronym, you won't appreciate that comment) or how a glass of chilled Moscato is always a good idea. What I've come to realize is that I will always find someone who thinks I'm doing it wrong, but I can also find someone who thinks I'm doing it right. In the end, as long as I'm raising my son in the best way I know how, I'm doing my job.