I think this author does a great job in describing the waiting process with adoption. Most people realize that the wait can be tough, but there are so many factors that they don't see. When we were waiting to adopt CJ, it was very frustrating to try to find daycare or figure out my work leave without knowing when we'd be placed. If you factor in my ridiculously Type A personality, you'll see just how tough it was at time to plan without actually being able to plan.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/11/25/awaiting-my-due-date/
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Keeping family together
Yesterday, I read a story about a family that has adopted 8 boys, all from the same birth mother. The adoptive mom said that she felt that she had to keep them together. So, each time the birth mother contacted her about a pregnancy, they opened up their home to one more child. What an amazing family!
If I'm being honest, this is something I fear. You see, while we have three siblings, there are a few others that were born before CJ. Chances are strong that there will be more siblings in the future. What are we going to do if we get called about another pregnancy?
On one hand, I could not imagine someone else taking care of my boys' brother or sister. How would we explain to our boys that they have another sibling that was born after them that we chose not to parent? If we met that child one day, how would we explain that we adopted three of his/her brothers, but chose not to adopt him/her? On the other hand, affording another adoption would put a huge financial strain on our family. It's not as though this is a cheap process, and we have three boys that we need to support. My head spins just thinking about this.
Obviously, this whole post is kind of putting the cart before the horse (because there is currently no baby on the way), but I feel like I need to be prepared with what to say and do if this does happen. I just pray that we don't have to make that choice. If one day we do, I trust that God will show us exactly how to handle it.
If I'm being honest, this is something I fear. You see, while we have three siblings, there are a few others that were born before CJ. Chances are strong that there will be more siblings in the future. What are we going to do if we get called about another pregnancy?
On one hand, I could not imagine someone else taking care of my boys' brother or sister. How would we explain to our boys that they have another sibling that was born after them that we chose not to parent? If we met that child one day, how would we explain that we adopted three of his/her brothers, but chose not to adopt him/her? On the other hand, affording another adoption would put a huge financial strain on our family. It's not as though this is a cheap process, and we have three boys that we need to support. My head spins just thinking about this.
Obviously, this whole post is kind of putting the cart before the horse (because there is currently no baby on the way), but I feel like I need to be prepared with what to say and do if this does happen. I just pray that we don't have to make that choice. If one day we do, I trust that God will show us exactly how to handle it.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
A Slight Delay
When people say that in adoption you often "hurry up and wait," they are not kidding. As we go through two adoptions at the same time, I constantly feel like all we are doing is waiting for things to happen. All of our workers are moving as fast as they can, but there are a lot of steps involved, especially given that these are out-of-state adoptions.
Yesterday, we had a dependency hearing for Alex's adoption. These hearings happen every few months, and they are a chance for all parties involved to give updates on how the process is going. Thankfully, we do not have to attend the hearings in person. Technology allows us to attend via telephone. While there was not a lot discussed yesterday, we did get a few updates.
The workers involved do not believe that we will be able to finalize in the next six months. There is a lot of paperwork that still needs to be completed. Some of you know that we had hoped to complete his adoption in early spring next year, so this was a little disappointing to hear. The judge stated that the adoption needed to be completed by November 1, 2015 (I'm still hoping it will happen much, much sooner). We will need to provide Arizona with an updated home study. We have a current home study for Jake's adoption, so it would be great if they would accept that instead of making us go through it again. I'm not sure I have it in me to have yet another home study done. If we need to do it again, that would be our fourth one since 2010.
We will have another hearing in April, which will hopefully be one of the last ones. I'll be sure to keep you posted on what is happening. For now, we will just continue with our monthly home visits.
Yesterday, we had a dependency hearing for Alex's adoption. These hearings happen every few months, and they are a chance for all parties involved to give updates on how the process is going. Thankfully, we do not have to attend the hearings in person. Technology allows us to attend via telephone. While there was not a lot discussed yesterday, we did get a few updates.
The workers involved do not believe that we will be able to finalize in the next six months. There is a lot of paperwork that still needs to be completed. Some of you know that we had hoped to complete his adoption in early spring next year, so this was a little disappointing to hear. The judge stated that the adoption needed to be completed by November 1, 2015 (I'm still hoping it will happen much, much sooner). We will need to provide Arizona with an updated home study. We have a current home study for Jake's adoption, so it would be great if they would accept that instead of making us go through it again. I'm not sure I have it in me to have yet another home study done. If we need to do it again, that would be our fourth one since 2010.
We will have another hearing in April, which will hopefully be one of the last ones. I'll be sure to keep you posted on what is happening. For now, we will just continue with our monthly home visits.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Post-placement depression
I'd like to begin by saying that I started this post about two months ago. My pride prevented me from actually publishing it. I was embarrassed that I had such a roller coaster of emotions, especially when I tend to be very open and aware of my feelings. After talking with a few people, I realized that this is something real and I want to be sure that other adoptive moms hear about my experience. I would hate for someone else to feel this way, and think that she is alone. Just know that this is probably one of the hardest posts I've written.
Everyone has heard of post-partum depression. I have never heard anyone talk about a similar experience for adoptive moms. With new biological moms, their bodies have endured something incredible and their hormones are out of whack. Adoptive moms obviously don't share that experience. I don't think many people assume that adoptive moms would even deal with any form of depression after being placed with a baby. After all, we've waited so long for this, how could we be anything but happy?
About two or three weeks after coming home with the boys, I started to feel a wide range of emotions. I was overwhelmed, sad, angry, and even resentful. It did not help that I was extremely tired. Getting used to a newborn schedule is tough, especially when you have two other kids who are very active. At the same time, I was trying to get to know an 18-month old who had his own personality, likes and dislikes (but couldn't communicate those to me aside from screaming).
During that time, I literally just "made it through" each day. My goals were set very low. I simply wanted to make sure my kids were fed, dressed, and made it to bed at a decent hour. I had no desire or drive to do much more than that. My days often ended in tears as I questioned our decision to adopt two kids at the same time. Those questions brought guilt, which made me feel worse.
For weeks, I struggled through this. I kept telling myself that the next day would be better, and it was, but barely (definitely not enough to make me feel good about being a mom of three). Deep down, I knew that we had made the right decision to adopt both boys, but I still had my doubts. Matt was wonderful about giving me a chance to purge my feelings. He took on a greater role when he was at home to relieve some of my stress. Despite having amazing friends and family, I still kept this to myself.
Why couldn't I just share my feelings with others? I can't answer that. For someone who prides herself on being an open book, I'm not sure why I was embarrassed to be dealing with this. Initially, I didn't understand what was going on. It also could have been that everyone kept telling me how great I was doing and how strong I was. After hearing that, how could I admit that I felt terrible inside. I was blessed to be connected with another foster mom through Facebook. She had recently been placed with two kids, and was experiencing a lot of the same feelings. After messaging back and forth a few times, I felt so much better. She had validated what I been going through and gave some ideas on how to handle things.
I'm pleased to say that I've made it back to my normal self again. I still struggle with the frustration and feeling overwhelmed, but it doesn't consume me. For other adoptive moms out there, please don't be embarrassed by feelings you may be experiencing. They are real and valid. Find someone that can help you through it; it is so much better than trying to muddle through it on your own.
Everyone has heard of post-partum depression. I have never heard anyone talk about a similar experience for adoptive moms. With new biological moms, their bodies have endured something incredible and their hormones are out of whack. Adoptive moms obviously don't share that experience. I don't think many people assume that adoptive moms would even deal with any form of depression after being placed with a baby. After all, we've waited so long for this, how could we be anything but happy?
About two or three weeks after coming home with the boys, I started to feel a wide range of emotions. I was overwhelmed, sad, angry, and even resentful. It did not help that I was extremely tired. Getting used to a newborn schedule is tough, especially when you have two other kids who are very active. At the same time, I was trying to get to know an 18-month old who had his own personality, likes and dislikes (but couldn't communicate those to me aside from screaming).
During that time, I literally just "made it through" each day. My goals were set very low. I simply wanted to make sure my kids were fed, dressed, and made it to bed at a decent hour. I had no desire or drive to do much more than that. My days often ended in tears as I questioned our decision to adopt two kids at the same time. Those questions brought guilt, which made me feel worse.
For weeks, I struggled through this. I kept telling myself that the next day would be better, and it was, but barely (definitely not enough to make me feel good about being a mom of three). Deep down, I knew that we had made the right decision to adopt both boys, but I still had my doubts. Matt was wonderful about giving me a chance to purge my feelings. He took on a greater role when he was at home to relieve some of my stress. Despite having amazing friends and family, I still kept this to myself.
Why couldn't I just share my feelings with others? I can't answer that. For someone who prides herself on being an open book, I'm not sure why I was embarrassed to be dealing with this. Initially, I didn't understand what was going on. It also could have been that everyone kept telling me how great I was doing and how strong I was. After hearing that, how could I admit that I felt terrible inside. I was blessed to be connected with another foster mom through Facebook. She had recently been placed with two kids, and was experiencing a lot of the same feelings. After messaging back and forth a few times, I felt so much better. She had validated what I been going through and gave some ideas on how to handle things.
I'm pleased to say that I've made it back to my normal self again. I still struggle with the frustration and feeling overwhelmed, but it doesn't consume me. For other adoptive moms out there, please don't be embarrassed by feelings you may be experiencing. They are real and valid. Find someone that can help you through it; it is so much better than trying to muddle through it on your own.
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