I will be the first to admit that I am parenting 3 challenging boys. I don't pretend like we have it all together. I try not to make excuses for their bad choices. I fully acknowledge that we are a circus most days of the week. There isn't a whole lot I can do about it, aside from laugh...or cry.
When you have a child with severe emotional extremes, you learn to live by the minute because that is how quickly things seem to change.
This morning, as we dropped off CJ, Alex had what can only be described as a volcanic eruption of emotions. I was actually concerned that someone was going to call the police, assuming that I was kidnapping this poor little boy. A mom behind me actually took our her phone and held it up in a way that had me wondering if she was taking a picture or video. Paranoid? Maybe. I am sure it was just coincidental timing. Maybe.
We had a five minute walk back to the car. Let me correct myself...it should have taken 5 minutes. Fourteen minutes later, we pulled up to our van. In those 14 minutes, I walked past 7 or 8 moms who were most likely thinking "gosh, I am glad that isn't my kid." They each gave me a sympathetic half smile; some muttered "hang in there."
It then took an additional 4 minutes to simply get him from the stroller to the van. For being so small, he sure is strong when he wants to be. Last night he "couldn't" open the back door because it was "too heavy." Today, he held onto that stroller with a grip that most could only muster to prevent themselves from falling over the edge of the Grand Canyon.
Once everyone was buckled into their car seats, the stroller was put away, and I was blasting the AC to counteract the incredible amount of sweat I had worked up, we began the 12 minute drive home. 11 minutes of which involved screaming, kicking and being told "you are terrible, mom."
We were almost to our house, when Alex noticed a dog being walked. Just as quickly as the tantrum arrived, it left as he said "oh, I like that little dog." The light switched had been flicked in the other direction. I had survived.
Living by the minute really is all I can do some days. Trust me when I say some of those minutes take hours to live through. Mostly, they fly by. I go minute by minute because that is how Alex does it. Most of the time, there is no future or past with him. He lives in the present. Actions and reactions are immediate. I cannot tell him "when we get home you have a time out" because by that time he will have almost no recollection of why he is in trouble. It can be hard to do this, but it's harder to try to force my preferred parenting style on him. He needs something very different, and it is my job to figure it out and help him through.
One day, we'll look back and laugh at the craziness. Until then, I hope people around us will be understanding and patient as we navigate life minute by minute.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
It's been awhile...
It has been well over a year since I last posted here. What can I say, life is a little nuts with 3 boys!
Over the past few months, life has been challenging. We have had a lot change in a short period, and I felt the need to write about it. I assume very few people read this, so it seems like a safe place to let it all out.
We've known that there would be potential challenges and/or issues for our boys (specifically CJ & Alex) due to their exposure to drugs and alcohol before they were born. We had mentally prepared ourselves for Alex more than CJ because we knew his exposure was greater. I think that is what makes a recent diagnosis for CJ so hard to accept. We weren't prepared for it. He's always seemed to have a little more energy and a little less focus than the average kid, but I didn't anticipate it creating real problems for him.
After a difficult kindergarten year, we decided to have him evaluated, assuming that it was ADHD due to his behaviors. Honestly, I had almost forgotten that he was exposed in utero. When the diagnosis came back, it was directly tied to the substance exposure. I was a little devastated. Ok, a lot devastated. ADHD seemed so much easier to handle. Drug and alcohol exposure causes brain damage. That did not seem easy to handle. The evaluating psychologist gave us a list of things that would help him - occupational therapy, behavioral therapy, meds, play therapy. The list felt super long.
I'll pause here to share that all of this was presented to us 2 weeks before school was to begin. Seriously, for a Type-A, planner like me, this was insanity. I already had it in my head how life was going to look, and now I had to completely change that. Yes, I'm being dramatic, but this is my brain. I can't help it.
We made the decision to retain him in kindergarten to take some of the academic pressure off and give him a little more time to mature. We even attended a meet-up for other kindergarten parents. Just a few days later, we met with the staff at his school to talk about a plan. We realized that the help he needed was not available there, and made the decision to withdraw him and enroll him in a public school for the upcoming year. This would give him the opportunity to get a little extra support and get him back on track.
All the planning in the world did not prepare for the emotions I felt Monday morning.
As I dropped CJ off for his first day of school, I realized that I was struggling with his move to public school more than he was. I took a lot for granted last year. I missed the security of knowing that Matt was on the same campus with him. I was sad that he would no longer have religion and faith built into all of his classes. It had been a safe place. I felt like he was protected. In reality, he is still safe and protected. Yes, he may be exposed to things that he wouldn't have before, but is that so bad? We may have to have certain conversations before I feel ready, but that is ok. I may also be taking a "worst case scenario" mindset.
There are lots of great things that will come this year. He has a male teacher, which I think is amazing! He is excited about not having uniforms (I am not. Uniforms are soooo much easier!). As he told me this morning "every day is free dress day!" He couldn't wait to run around on the grass field, something they didn't have at his last school. I'm not going to lie, the extra funds in the bank account each month helps a little too.
Can I also admit that I am struggling with feelings of failure? My head knows that there is nothing that I could have done to prevent this, but my heart still aches for the challenges that will be coming his way. I am also trying to hold my head up while knowing that people have been talking about us. Guessing the reasons why we withdrew CJ. Making assumptions about him and our family. It hurts. You know what, I can't let that bother me. I'm too freakin' busy to worry about their discussion. I got my own crap to deal with.
Sometimes, we have to admit when our plan is not the best plan for our children. And that is hard. Like, really hard. While I would love to think that private education is the best path for everyone; it's not. He is going to get the resources and support he desperately needs right now. I can't ask for much more than that!
Over the past few months, life has been challenging. We have had a lot change in a short period, and I felt the need to write about it. I assume very few people read this, so it seems like a safe place to let it all out.
We've known that there would be potential challenges and/or issues for our boys (specifically CJ & Alex) due to their exposure to drugs and alcohol before they were born. We had mentally prepared ourselves for Alex more than CJ because we knew his exposure was greater. I think that is what makes a recent diagnosis for CJ so hard to accept. We weren't prepared for it. He's always seemed to have a little more energy and a little less focus than the average kid, but I didn't anticipate it creating real problems for him.
After a difficult kindergarten year, we decided to have him evaluated, assuming that it was ADHD due to his behaviors. Honestly, I had almost forgotten that he was exposed in utero. When the diagnosis came back, it was directly tied to the substance exposure. I was a little devastated. Ok, a lot devastated. ADHD seemed so much easier to handle. Drug and alcohol exposure causes brain damage. That did not seem easy to handle. The evaluating psychologist gave us a list of things that would help him - occupational therapy, behavioral therapy, meds, play therapy. The list felt super long.
I'll pause here to share that all of this was presented to us 2 weeks before school was to begin. Seriously, for a Type-A, planner like me, this was insanity. I already had it in my head how life was going to look, and now I had to completely change that. Yes, I'm being dramatic, but this is my brain. I can't help it.
We made the decision to retain him in kindergarten to take some of the academic pressure off and give him a little more time to mature. We even attended a meet-up for other kindergarten parents. Just a few days later, we met with the staff at his school to talk about a plan. We realized that the help he needed was not available there, and made the decision to withdraw him and enroll him in a public school for the upcoming year. This would give him the opportunity to get a little extra support and get him back on track.
All the planning in the world did not prepare for the emotions I felt Monday morning.
As I dropped CJ off for his first day of school, I realized that I was struggling with his move to public school more than he was. I took a lot for granted last year. I missed the security of knowing that Matt was on the same campus with him. I was sad that he would no longer have religion and faith built into all of his classes. It had been a safe place. I felt like he was protected. In reality, he is still safe and protected. Yes, he may be exposed to things that he wouldn't have before, but is that so bad? We may have to have certain conversations before I feel ready, but that is ok. I may also be taking a "worst case scenario" mindset.
There are lots of great things that will come this year. He has a male teacher, which I think is amazing! He is excited about not having uniforms (I am not. Uniforms are soooo much easier!). As he told me this morning "every day is free dress day!" He couldn't wait to run around on the grass field, something they didn't have at his last school. I'm not going to lie, the extra funds in the bank account each month helps a little too.
Can I also admit that I am struggling with feelings of failure? My head knows that there is nothing that I could have done to prevent this, but my heart still aches for the challenges that will be coming his way. I am also trying to hold my head up while knowing that people have been talking about us. Guessing the reasons why we withdrew CJ. Making assumptions about him and our family. It hurts. You know what, I can't let that bother me. I'm too freakin' busy to worry about their discussion. I got my own crap to deal with.
Sometimes, we have to admit when our plan is not the best plan for our children. And that is hard. Like, really hard. While I would love to think that private education is the best path for everyone; it's not. He is going to get the resources and support he desperately needs right now. I can't ask for much more than that!
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