Getting closer

This is really long...I apologize!

We are definitely getting closer to the arrival of our little one. It is still surreal to think that in just 2 ½ to 3 weeks, he’ll be a part of our family. I’m now at the point where I just want him to be here. At first, I was a little terrified at the thought of caring for someone else. Now, I’m just excited.

The nursery is well on its way. We painted over the weekend, keeping beige on top and adding blue to the bottom. Last night, Matt and our friend Jeremy installed the chair rail around the room. We’re lucky to have such handy friends!! Now, we just need to spackle the nails and paint it white. There are a few touch ups we’ll have to do on the walls, but it is pretty close to complete. We’re hoping to put the furniture back in on Friday. The theme is sports…which should not be a surprise. If you’d like to see what the bedding looks like, you can peek at our Babies R Us registry.

The big event this week was visiting with Brooke. We met up to discuss the adoption and birth plan. During the first year, we’ll meet up with her significantly more than in future years, which is pretty normal. We’ll have regular phone calls and e-mails as well. We’ve promised to take a lot of pictures, which will be sent to her or given during our visits. Throughout the meeting, we realized that we are all on the same page about frequency of visits and different expectations. I think we all walked away feeling very good about the arrangements.

Probably the most amazing part of the meeting came when she asked us if we had chosen a name. We shared it with her (sorry to those who have asked and been denied that info, I think she’s earned the right to know ). Some of you know that she had already chosen a name for him, so we were concerned that she would not appreciate a new name for him. Ultimately, it is our decision, but we want to be sensitive to her as well. She surprised us all by asking the counselor to change the plan so that our name will be listed on the birth certificate instead of the one she chose. She was very firm in her decision, even though we suggested that she think about that a little longer. She said that if we are going to be parenting him, that she wants our name to be used. When the counselor wrote his name on the documents, I got a little choked up. We’ve talked about the name, and even written the first and middle, but I had not seen it all written out. It was awesome to see!

I’m also very excited about the birth plan. Brooke has invited into the delivery room with her. Matt is still trying to decide how he feels about that, but I’m looking forward to it. The hospital will set us up with a comfort room, so that we can stay with the baby. Brooke will be the first to hold him, but he’ll remain with us until he is discharged. On the final day, when Brooke signs the relinquishment papers, we will have an “Entrustment Ceremony.” It will be very simple, but a chance to pray a blessing over the entire adoption. It is a symbolic way for her to entrust the care of the baby to us. For those of you who watch “16 and Pregnant” (I’m guessing you won’t admit it, but you know who you are), they had a similar ceremony in the first season with Catelynn and Tyler.

Meeting with her really cemented my feelings about this adoption. I have been confident that this is where God wants us to be, but a piece of me was still a little nervous about the whole thing. After talking more with Brooke, and reviewing the adoption itself, I am even more excited about it. It is hard to describe, although I’m sure it is a similar feeling to finding out that you are expecting.

Please continue to pray for Brooke, the baby and us. While everything is looking good with the process and their health, you just never know. Please also pray for Heidi and Brandon (couple in MN). We told them that we were not going to be able to move forward, and I’m not sure they took it well. Pray that they connect with an agency that can provide them with the support that they need right now.

How much could we possibly need??

I assumed that I knew how to prepare for a child. After all, many of our friends have kids and I've been able to observe. As people have started asking us questions, I have quickly realized that I have no idea what I'm doing; which I'm told is normal ;). It all started when we registered for baby stuff.

Honestly, how many types of bottles, pacifiers and diapers should be available? It was ridiculous. Babies R Us turned into pink and blue insanity. As we walked up and down aisles, I had to take mini breaks just to keep my composure. It was very exciting to register for these items; picturing each piece at our house being used by our child. Several times though, we had to ask the sales associates for assistance because we simply had no idea what we were doing.

The crazy thing is all of the gadgets that you "have to have." I'm pretty sure that we didn't get PeePee TeePees when my brother was born. For those asking, yes they are real, and yes we registered for them. Visit the registry if you aren't sure what they are (it's worth it). As a soon-to-be new parent, I started to fall prey to their marketing. Luckily, we would look at items, ask if we'd actually use it, and then wait a few minutes before adding it to the list. It saved us a few times. I'll admit that we did add a few things that probably aren't necessary. Why not?! After all, you never know when you'll need a PeePee TeePee. There were even a few items that looked good upon first glance, and then you realized that it was a little excessive. Example - the Baby Einstein activity mirror that hangs on the seat of your car for baby to look at as he rides backwards. It sounds like a great item...until you realize that a baby cannot reach the buttons. After a few minutes, you realize that it is just an expensive mirror.

I know that I joke about all of this, but I am truly excited to use some of the cool items that we've found. We may have fallen prey to their marketing tactics, but I'm pretty sure we'll enjoy using everything just as much as he will. :)

It's a BOY!

As many of you know, we have finally been officially matched with a birth mom. Here's a little bit of the story behind our decision.

After our return from Minneapolis, we spent a lot of time talking and praying about what we should do. We went over each situation and looked at the pros and cons (you can't be too surprised by that). It really seemed as though they were perfect opposites. Where one situation was strong, the other was weak; and vice versa. In either scenario, we knew that we would have to put our complete faith in God to see us through. There were unknowns with both birth mothers, so we had to decide which we were more comfortable with. To be fair to both birth moms, we wanted to have a decision by the end of the week.

Matt had a chance to speak with Brooke (birth mom in Tucson) on Thursday. He asked her questions, answered questions, and they even joked around about how ASU beat UofA in football recently. Brooke assured us that she had no hard feelings. :) After the conversation, he called me and said that he felt that this was the right situation for us. I agreed, and so here we are!

Brooke is due in mid-January; they are giving us the 10th as an estimate. Honestly, the baby could come at any time. We will be driving down to meet Brooke and the counselor on December 20th to discuss our "covenant." That is an agreement that we make with the birth mom regarding the openness of the adoption. We'll talk about how many visits we'd like, how many letters/updates each year, and the birth plan. It sounds like we'll have the chance to be in the room when he's born, and then we'll be able to stay at the hospital until he is released. We're really excited about that! When we talked with Brooke in November, we were all on the same page regarding visits and updates. We don't anticipate any difficulty in coming to a concensus. Our counselor says that Brooke is really excited that we want to move forward, especially since we are the only couple she had selected.

It is hard to describe how we are feeling right now - excited, anxious, nervous, unsure, terrified, unprepared, elated...you get the point. It is a very strange feeling, but it is amazing. We have a lot to do over the next few weeks. Luckily, Matt will be going on Christmas break after this next week, so he'll have time to do some painting and preparations in the room. So many people have stepped forward in various ways to help us prepare, and we are so grateful for that. I don't know where we would be without the love and support of our family and friends.

I will do my best to continue posting updates as they come. Once he arrives, we'll get as many pictures out there as possible. :)

Please pray for:
-Brandon & Heidi (birth parents in MN), as they look for other options.
-Brooke and the baby, as her due date rapidly approaches.
-us, as we try to prepare for this joyous event.

What a weekend!

Talk about a whirlwind trip; we've had a busy couple of days. We're home now, and can hardly believe that the weekend is already over. Here is a breakdown of our trip. I apologize if this is too many details for you.

Friday - We flew from Phoenix to Minneapolis. Due to bad weather, our flight was delayed three hours. My family was supposed to drive in from Fargo, but decided that it would not have been safe. As bummed as we were, it was much better to be safe than sorry. We finally landed in snowy Minneapolis at around 11:40pm and headed over to our hotel.

Saturday - Picked up our roller skate of a rental car in the morning. The idea of driving a compact Hyundai was more than a little scary, but it wasn't too bad. Matt actually enjoyed trying to make it spin out. By the early afternoon, the roads were fine. We spent some time at the Mall of America, mostly walking around. We almost rode one of the roller coasters, but I wasn't sure my stomach would appreciate it. We headed down to Red Wing after lunch and got checked into our second hotel of the weekend. we got in touch with Brandon & Heidi, and decided to meet for dinner in Lake City. On our drive into Red Wing, we saw a sign for the world's largest boot and decided we had to include that in our trip. On our way to meet the family, we stopped and got our picture taken with the size 638 boot. This was a welcome distraction from my anxiety. Dinner went well. Brandon and Heidi brought their son (Aiden) and his parents along. We used it more as a time to get to know them and to feel more comfortable with each other. It was like being on a first date, so there was a lot of small talk. The conversation consisted of interests, family history, likes/dislikes, etc. We did manage to get some of our questions answered. At the end of dinner, we decided to meet up the next afternoon with just Brandon and Heidi. His parents are great, but we were excited to spend some time with them.

Sunday - We had a lot of time to kill. Our hotel check-out was 11am, and we didn't plan to meet until the mid-afternoon. We were able to use the time to do some research on Minnesota adoption law (in addition to spending about an hour walking around Target - that store never gets old). We met up with them in the late afternoon and got to meet one of Brandon's brothers, who was hanging out at their apartment. We talked for awhile, and got more of our questions answered. I think we all felt pretty comfortable with each other. We also had fun playing with their son, Aiden. It was fun to find out things that we had in common, talk to them about their goals, and see what they are hoping for in an adoption. I think we are all on the same page as far as an open adoption, which is great!

I wish that we could say that we were closer to a decision, but we're still trying to figure things out. There are pros and cons on both sides. We have a few more details that we need to cover with both birth moms, and then we'll be able to make a decision. There are so many factors in adoption and I don't know that we'll ever be able to answer all of our questions. A big part of this process has been trusting God, and this part is no different.

We're going to continue asking for prayer, especially over the next few days. As soon as we've made a decision, we'll share it with you.

When It Rains, It Pours!

It has been some time since I updated our blog, and a lot has happened. In my last posting, we had just talked with Heidi (a potential birth mom) and Michelle (the baby’s paternal grandma). The conversation was great, and we booked a flight out to Minnesota to meet them. Everything was going according to plan (which should have been my first indication that something would happen) when our agency called on Friday, November 19th.

A birth mother (Brooke) in Tucson had selected our profile, and wanted to meet us. The pregnancy counselor gave us a little information about her, and asked if we were open to the meeting. I called Sharon to find out if this would be appropriate. We were already talking with another family, and I didn’t want to make the wrong move. She advised us that it would not hurt anything to look at this option, as well as the Minnesota couple. God opened this door for us, and we shouldn’t close it before seeing what it has to offer. I called Matt to give him the crazy news, and then called back down to Tucson to set up a meeting.

So, on Wednesday, November 24th, we drove to a McDonalds in Tucson to meet Brooke. I was nervous. This was our first face-to-face meeting with a birth mom. We were not sure what to expect. On the drive down, we compiled our list of questions, and practiced answering questions that she may have asked us. We wanted to be ready for anything. As always, we were way over-prepared.

The meeting went very well. She was really nice, and provided us with a lot of great information about her history, health and current living situation. She was open and honest with us; which we really appreciated. She is expecting a boy in mid-January, and is confident that adoption is the route she would like to take. She has had other children, who have also been placed for adoption. We have a few concerns, which we are researching right now.

Now comes he hard part…We’ll meet with Brandon & Heidi this weekend in Minnesota. On our flight home, we will have to decide how we want to proceed. We are praying for God’s guidance in this situation, as I definitely do not feel equipped to make the decision. There are pros and cons to both birth moms/families, so we will need to identify which we are better suited to handle. Sunday night and Monday will be especially difficult. Once we are back, and have made a decision, I will post an update.

Thank you in advance for prayers!

Our first meeting!

I apologize to all of our friends and family who have been patiently (or not so patiently) waiting for an update on our recent phone call. I know you’re interested in how things went, so here you go…

Before I begin, I’ll let you know that Heidi and Brandon are the birth parents and Michelle is the paternal grandma. This will make my story-telling a little easier.

“A little anxious” does not even begin to describe how I felt on Tuesday. Throughout the entire day, I kept thinking about the possible conversations that would take place that night. Thankfully, my work schedule was a little busy in the afternoon, so the time flew by. I knew that they would probably be feeling just as nervous, but that didn’t ease my nerves at all. When I got home from work, I changed into really comfortable clothes and sat quietly for about 15 minutes. Matt can tell you that to have me sit quietly for that long is almost a miracle. It was nice to just be still and focus my thoughts…an episode of The Office helped too.

At 5:30pm, we turned off the TV, gathered everything together, and said a prayer. Dialing the phone was exciting and scary, all at the same time. Michelle picked up and we talked with her for about 30 minutes. She described Brandon and Heidi and a little about their situation. At one point, she stopped and apologized for “rambling” and told us how nervous she was. What a relief!! We told her that we were just as nervous, and everyone seemed to feel a lot better after that. She then put Heidi on the phone (Brandon wasn’t able to be there). We all asked each other questions, and shared a little about ourselves. We were pretty excited to learn more about their family since we didn’t have a lot of information. When we hung up the phone, we said another prayer and then tried to focus on other things.

Some details that I think you’d want to know about:
•While they are not sure, the expected due date is in May.
•We do not know the sex of the baby, although they haven’t had a girl on Brandon’s side of the family in four (yes, four) generations.
•Almost all of their family is supportive of the decision to place their child. There are a few that are not 100% comfortable with the idea yet.
•They are hoping for an open adoption, which is exactly what we would like as well. With our family living relatively close, we can easily find time to visit Brandon and Heidi in the future.

Our next step would be to arrange a meeting, if they so desire. We want them to be totally comfortable with this process, and so we are allowing them to make many of the decisions. We’ve told them that we are happy to talk to them whenever they have questions, and would be happy to travel out to Minnesota to visit with them in person.

You are welcome to e-mail me with questions that you have. I won’t guarantee that I’ll answer everything, but it’s worth a shot. 

Please pray for Brandon, Heidi and the rest of their family as they continue to think and pray about this.

An update already!!

Well, I didn't think that I would be updating the blog so soon! I just got a text from the potential family that they would like to talk. We have set up a phone call for tomorrow night to start getting to know each other. I'll be sure to add another update after we get more information.

Thanks for the prayers!!

One step closer!!

It’s been a few weeks since our last blog entry, which is because we really haven’t had anything exciting to share. We were slowly starting to wonder if maybe the couple had changed their minds, or just didn’t like the letter we sent. Either way, it was hard not knowing what they were thinking.

Last night, we received an exciting phone call. Matt’s Aunt Mary called to let us know that the couple is interested in talking with us. They had lost the cover letter that I sent, which included our contact information. That explained why they had not been in touch. They asked if we could send another copy of the letter so that they can schedule some time to talk. Could they!? Of course!!

I did what anyone else would do…I overnighted them a copy of our letter. My thinking is that there is no reason to delay this any further. The sooner they get our letter, the better! They should have it in hand by Wednesday at the latest.

While this doesn’t guarantee anything, we are still excited that they would like to talk. This is the farthest we’ve gotten in the process with a birth family. I’ll do my best to update the blog so you can see what is going on. We’re hopeful that we can schedule time to Skype with them, which is preferred over a phone call.

I know that we’ll be extremely nervous when the time comes to talk with them, and I am pretty sure they will feel the same way. I’m just hoping that we are all comfortable talking with each other. Please pray that all goes well.

A Glimmer of Hope

On Sunday night we got a call from Matt's Aunt, letting us know that she has a potential birth family for us to connect with. They are a young couple who already have one child at home and are considering considering adoption for the child they are expecting. After hearing a little bit about us, they requested a copy of our match letter.

We immediately got to work writing up a brief "cover letter" to go with our match letter. It's funny how such a simple task became such a tedious process. As with our match letter, we over-analyzed every sentence. What if we sound desperate...what if we sound cheesy...what if they're looking for something else in an adoptive family? Finally, we stopped and realized that it is just a letter. While they may be the family God intended for us to meet, they may not be that family. If they read our letter and decide they are looking for someone else, then at least we realized it early in the process! I don't believe they will just write us off so quickly though.

We rushed to prepare everything so that I could run to the post office during my lunch break on Monday. After all, we wanted to waste no time. I was ready to hand deliver the letter, but that may have come across as desperate. :>) As I drove to work, the DJ on the radio reminded me that it was Columbus day so the USPS was closed. Are you kidding me? After all that, we were going to have to wait another 24 hours to mail the letter. Again, we had to bring some perspective into the situation. The girl is not due tomorrow, so an extra day will not harm anything. Finally, Tuesday arrived and I was able to sneak over to the post office during my lunch. As I sealed up the envelope, I said a little prayer, asking God to bless this situation and to be with the birth family as they read about us. Now...we wait.

Once they have a chance to read our letter, they will decide if they want to make contact with us. We provided them with phone numbers and e-mail addresses, as they had requested. After that, we will take it step by step.

Even if this does not work out for us, it is still comforting to have potential families pop up occasionally. It helps remind us that God is at work in this situation.

For any adoptive-mothers(to-be) out there, I just finished a great book. Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff is a look at her experience as an adoptive mom. It takes you through her entire experience. It is exactly what I had been looking for in a book about adoption. It wasn't cheesy or too clinical. It was simply a story and I loved it.

Not lacking anything...

After my last post, I thought I would come back with a much better attitude and outlook on things. I have to say that just getting it out there helped in a big way. I am so appreciative to those who sent words of encouragement and reinforcement. There was one message in particular that kept popping up in each of my conversations, so I figured that would be a good topic for today.

I need to start appreciating and enjoying what I have now, because life will change significantly when we are placed with a baby. It’s time to take the focus off of what I do not have. Lately, I have really been looking at James 1:2-4. I wrote out the verses in my last posting, but verse four has stuck with me (…so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything). Maybe that is why we are in this waiting period. God is giving us an opportunity to become mature and complete.

I want to use this time to continue preparing for the addition of a child. While I don’t always put a lot of stock in the various books that are out there, that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t read them. I want to keep reading books and articles on parenting and adoption. The more information that I have, the more confident I will feel when the time comes. I know that I’ll never feel completely prepared, but I feel like this is a step in the right direction. While I have the time, it wouldn’t hurt to read up.

Matt and I also need to take advantage of this time that we have together. We know that children are going to change our relationship. That’s not to say it will be a bad change…just a change. Several friends who have recently added to their families, through birth and adoption, have emphasized this point. This doesn’t mean we need to become spontaneous and fly to other countries (although that would be cool). Our friends and family know that spontaneity is not one of our stronger qualities. It merely means that we should enjoy peaceful conversations, hikes around the Valley, going to the movies, and the many other activities that are a little harder with young kids. It’s through these things that our relationship will grow stronger, and make us even better parents.

While that is not a complete list of opportunities, it is a start. We’re going to work on taking advantage of this time that we have, even though we don’t actually know how much time there is. I want to make sure that when we bring our son/daughter home, we know that we are not lacking anything.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

For those of you who have talked with me about the adoption process, I think you would say that I have been fairly positive about everything. While I have been able to keep my eyes on the path that I believe God has set before us, not every day is sunshine and roses. The last thing I want is to give people the impression that that whole process has been emotionally easy for me. Given that I had a mini-meltdown this past week, I thought I would use this posting as a time to share the not-so-pretty side of this process.

Please realize that for many of you, this may seem to come out of left field. I don't want you to think that I have been lying about my feelings, or hiding things from you. The adoption process is such an emotional roller coaster, and many of you have talked to me when I've been at my high points. Honestly, I have more positive days than negative, but when the negative ones hit...look out. This posting is a little more emotionally raw than previous ones; it's also a little longer.

One thing I have been struggling with lately is hope. This is a bit silly, given the fact that we have only been in the match book at our agency for one month. Be that as it may, it is still a current struggle for me. While I would love a baby, I have started to doubt whether this is in God's plan for us. I cannot explain why; maybe my stress at work is magnifying my feelings, maybe I'm just really impatient, or maybe my emotions are catching up with me. Whatever the reason, I hate that my attitude goes to such a negative place. I feel defeated because I have let my emotions get the best of me. I feel guilty because is seems as though my faith is being tested. I feel helpless because I truly do not know what else to do at this point...other than to continue falling to my knees in prayer.

I have continued to question how I will know God's plan for my life. I constantly pray for the ability to simply give it all up to Him. I think I have done that, but worry that I am still trying to maintain control. Control...the one thing that I do not have in life, yet the one thing that I am always grasping for. Maybe it is better that I am getting a hardcore lesson in this now because I'm pretty sure that we will lose a great deal of control once little ones join our family. Despite knowing the ultimate benefit in these life lessons, it does not make it any easier to navigate them.

My small group bible study is currently reading through the book of James, and the timing could not have been more perfect. James 1:2-4 reads "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Wow, talk about feeling as though God is speaking directly to you. My goal is to find the joy in these moments, knowing that I am maturing each step of the way. During our study last night, someone said that we need to take the first step after asking God for help. Maybe that is my problem; I've been waiting for an answer instead of making an effort to search for it.

In addition to the small group, God has also blessed me with certain people that He has placed in my life. I have several women who have played a key role in my sanity through this process. Some of them are aware of my appreciation, and others do not even realize (yet) that they have made an impact. I am also blessed with a husband who knows when to listen and what to say in response.

In general, I am very excited about the adoption process. While it was not the path I had in mind originally, I have come to embrace it with both arms. There are so many days that I look forward to - the day when we get the phone call from our agency, the day we meet our birth mother, the day we take our little one home from the hospital, etc. I also look forward to sharing those moments with each of you!

A New Perspective

Matt and I have been reading devotions together at night. While they aren't always the best, there was one line from a past reading that has stuck with me.

"Life doesn't seem so difficult when you don't expect it to be so easy."

That really hit me, and I've been thinking about it a lot over the past few days. Why do we expect life to go exactly as planned, especially when we have so many examples that it doesn't always work that way? Now, I am not saying that I expect life to be hard. All I'm saying, is that maybe I didn't have a realistic expectation of how things should go. It is easy to look around and see the couples who had children according to their plan, and assume that it was easy process for them. I think I need to adjust my viewpoint. Instead of focusing on what others have (which may be something I want), I need to realize that God has selected us for this and one day we will understand why. It may not be easy, but it doesn't have to be hard.

We still have no news to share with you. We are in the hardest part of the process...the waiting period. Our letter is in the match book at our agency, as well as on their website. Anytime a potential birth mom goes into the agency, they will see our letter. It is only a matter of time before we are invited to meet with a birth mom. When that happens, I will be sure to let you know.

This week, I am praying for all the couples who are trying to decide if adoption is the right path for them, both birth parents and adoptive parents. For many, this is an easy decision. For others, they will struggle at length before making a decision. I pray that they have the guidance and support that they need, to figure out what path they should follow.

Now, we wait

Our final step is complete – I submitted our match letters to the agency today. Now, we wait.

I think the unknown is what scares me the most at this point. Maybe “scares” is not the right word…how about “intimidates.” Being the planner that I am, it is very hard to have so many variables. Our match letter was finished in May, but we kept waiting to submit it. We were nervous to submit it because we had a few leads on potential birth moms. We kept asking “what if we submit and then she calls us?” or “what if we wait and miss out on other opportunities?”

One thing I have learned is that you cannot play the “what if” game when going through the adoption process – it will eat you alive. We have made the mistake of asking the “what if” questions since we started trying to have a baby. There is always something that you are going to be able to second guess. There will always be a million “what if” opportunities. You just have to trust that the path you are on is the correct path.

There is no way of knowing whether we are submitting something at the correct time, or if we are making the right decisions. We constantly pray for God’s guidance as we go through the process, knowing that He will lead us in the right direction.

For those that have been keeping us in their prayers, I would ask that you add a young woman named Krystina to your prayer list. She is pregnant and has considered adoption. It seems like she is having a difficult time figuring out what she should do. I pray every day that she is comfortable with whatever decision she makes, and that she makes that decision based on what is best for her and the child she is carrying.

Updates

Thanks to everyone who has been praying for us through this process! As I've mentioned before, it is amazing how much we have learned about ourselves, and how much we've gained from this experience.

In a poast posting, I mentioned a young couple in Wisconsin who were considering adoption. They have decided to parent that baby (due in August). Obviously, there is a little disappointment, but this is truly the ideal situation for that child. To be raised by parents who love him/her and who have a strong support system is a perfect scenario. We would ask that you continue to pray for that family, as they will experience a great transition in mid-August.

We will officially submit our match letter to CFCA this week (probably Wednesday). Sharon has informed us that the letter will go online by Thursday at the latest. Many of you have already seen it through this blog, but I'll still post the link once it goes live. At that point, we wait. The Pregnancy Counselors will present our letter to any birth mother who matches our interests.

My goal now, other than to have a high level of patience, is to begin submitting applications for adoption grants. Quite a few organizations offer funding for adoptive parents, so I will be in contact with them to see if we qualify. If nothing else, it will give me something to do so that I don't get to antsy.

We'll keep everyone posted on how things are going. Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers!

Welcome to Holland

At this point in our adoption journey, we don't have a lot to report. We're waiting for the state to officially certify us, and we're waiting to hear back about a young couple in Wisconsin. In the meantime, I thought I would share a story that was given to us during our adoption class. As you read it, insert "adopted child" where it says "child with a disability." It fits well.


Welcome to Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley

"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not share that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this:

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michaelangelo David. The gondolas of Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"HOLLAND?!!" you say, "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy. I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole group of people you never would have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they're having. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes. That's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned on."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant one.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland."

Our Match Letter

Click on each page to see a larger version...

Approved!

Many of you already saw this on Facebook, but I thought I would add a quick post to our blog. Sharon called me yesterday afternoon to let us know that we had be approved, and have now completed the home study process. She still needs to submit all documentation to the state of Arizona for our certification. That will probably take some time, but we are eligible to be placed.

I think we've finished our match letter, so I'll try to post that to this blog. I'm not sure how that works, so no guarantees!

Certification...here we come!

On Tuesday, we had our final meeting for the certification process. Sharon came over to check out our house and interview Matt. Talk about prepping your house for a visitor! The goal was to have a clean, but lived-in, look. I think we succeeded. She just wanted to make sure we aren’t living in sub-standard conditions and that we have space for a baby.

Now that she has our file completed, she will present us to the rest of the staff at Christian Family Care Agency. With each prospective family, the counselors must agree that we are prepared to move forward in the process. That meeting will actually take place today and she’ll call this afternoon to let us know how it went. She assured us that any issues would have been addressed already, so we have nothing to worry about.

Another great accomplishment was finishing our match letter (well, we’re pretty much finished). Our goal was to have a copy ready to show Sharon on Tuesday. It was really helpful to have that set deadline to keep us focused on getting it done. We were really nervous about what she would say. She had a few minor revisions, but seemed to really like it! And I doubted our creativity… Once we have it complete, I’ll try to post it on our blog so you can see it too. Even though it caused us some stress, it is pretty cool to have something that summarizes who we are. It will be neat to share with our son or daughter one day.

Almost there!

One more meeting has been checked off the list – I met with Sharon today for my individual interview. Heading into the meeting, I wasn’t really sure what to expect. I figured it was her chance to get to know me better…and I was right. This was her opportunity to learn more about my family, childhood, marriage and dreams for the future. I think I was very open and honest with her, but you still worry about how your comments and responses are being received. It’s not that I worry about Sharon; it is easy to feel that you’ll be judged for what you say anytime you are interviewed. I think what weighs on me the most is that she is going to ask Matt the same questions next week. Will he respond in a similar way? Was I way off base with how I see things? Don’t worry; I’m not losing sleep over this. I know that since I responded honestly, our answers will probably be fairly similar. One thing is for sure, I feel like Matt and I have gotten to know each other at a much different level as we have moved through this process. Between the application, class homework and match letter, we have talked a lot over the past few months. What a great thing to be able to share with our child one day – that the process of adopting him/her drew us closer together.

Next Tuesday, Sharon will come over to our house for the final meeting. After checking out our place, she’ll interview Matt individually. It’s hard to believe that we are getting this close. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed when you look at the entire process, but if you take it step by step, it isn’t so bad.

The Match Letter

As we come to the end of our home study process (final meeting is May 18), we are starting to write our match letter. This is written to birth mothers and provides information about us, our families and our hobbies. In the beginning, I didn't think it would be hard to write. Now that we have really started working on it, I am realizing that it isn't easy to write about yourself...especially when birth mothers will make decisions based on these four pages. Of course we are going to analyze every detail that goes into this letter. In the end, we just have to realize that our birth mother will find us, regardless of what color I chose for the title or which picture I use.

It has been fun to dig through all of our pictures, looking for those "perfect" shots to include. We don't often take the time to look back over the past seven years of marriage and remember all of the great times we've had. Trips we have taken, fun times with friends, and random pictures that don't make a lot of sense. We have truly been blessed with the opportunities that we have had throughout the course of our relationship. Looking back really helped put things into perspective. Do we remember the hard times as we look back? No, only the good came to mind. The same will be true of this process. It is easy to get frustrated by the many steps we have had to take. Once we are placed with a child, I believe that we will only remember the positive details of the experience. God has blessed us so much, and I want to make sure that that always remains the focus!

We would appreciate your prayers on something in particular. Matt's aunt is a midwife, and is working with a young couple considering adoption (baby is due in August). They are in high school, and have a lot of support from their families. We do not know where this will go, but we plan to send our match letter out to them in the coming weeks. If they like what they see, we will fly out to meet them. Obviously, we do not want to get our hopes up, but we are excited at the prospect.

The Personality Test

We met with Sharon on Monday to discuss the results of our personality tests. Matt and I each rated ourselves, and then rated the other. The whole experience was designed to help us understand how our personalities will work together once we have children, and how they will affect our parenting styles. I think going into the appointment, we were nervous to see how things matched up. We feel like we know each other pretty well, and we have no problem talking with each other, but now we were being evaluated by a counselor!

I think the results were pretty accurate with how we would normally describe ourselves. It was interesting to see the graph that was formed by the results. Certain characteristics matched up almost perfectly, while others were quite different. It showed that, in a lot of ways, we complement each other very well. There was definitely a running theme throughout the appointment…our type-A personalities. Most sections of the assessment were affected by how we like to plan and account for every detail possible.

The best part of this whole process is what we have learned about ourselves, both individually and as a couple. I think the biggest life lesson has been to give up trying to plan and trust that God has a plan set for us. So often, I look at a situation and automatically try to figure out how I can fix things. I need to get better at asking God for guidance before I start creating a solution. I’m sure many of you have heard the saying “If you want to make God laugh, show Him your plans.”

We have two more appointments set with Sharon. One is my one-on-one interview at her office. The second is a meeting at our house, where we’ll meet with her as a couple and Matt will meet with her individually. At that point, our home study will be complete and Sharon will present us to the other counselors at CFCA. In the next two weeks, we’ll begin working on our match letter, which is presented to birth mothers at the agency. Being that neither of us is super-creative, we’re a little nervous about this. I’ll try to post it on the blog once it is complete.

As always, please pray for us as we go through this process. We would also ask that you continue to pray for our birth family, whoever they may be.

Family & Tradition

We had our first home study visit yesterday, which ironically was at the agency and not at our house. Actually, our next home study visit is also at their office. The last two meetings will be at our house, and then we'll be ready for certification. The counselors present their adoptive families to the rest of the agency staff at their monthly meeting, to determine if they are ready to be certified and placed on the match list. Sharon hopes that we are ready to be presented to the agency in May.

During this first meeting, we talked about our families - the relationships we have, memories from our childhood, stories that we've heard passed down, and family traditions. It was fun to hear each other's memories, even if we've heard them before. Things like:

-Grandma Fischer sneaking cookies to Matt and his brothers
-Visiting Grandpa & Grandma Fincke at the beach
-Fishing in Washington with Grandpa Schroeder
-Playing in the basement at Grandpa & Grandma Caskey's house

As we talked with Sharon, we realized that our two families are very similar. We have always commented that our immediate families have very similar characteristics, but we hadn't looked at our extended family as much. Toward the end of our meeting, we realized that even our extended families match up pretty well. That is probably why we are so comfortable with each other's family.

We talked about different traditions that our families have, and what traditions we would like to continue with our children. It was exciting to think about the different stages in their life, and including them in traditions (some that date back a few generations). As I thought more about the idea of tradition, I realized that it will be very helpful in assuring our child that he/she is truly part of our family. It will also be important to learn about traditions of the birth family, so that our son/daughter maintains a connection with them. Sometimes I forget that our family is not going to simply grow by one person, that we are essentially adopting the birth family as well.

Our next home study visit will reveal the results of the temperament test that we took. I'm really interested to see how we scored. We actually took the test twice; once to rate ourselves, and once to rate each other. It will be fun to see how well we know each other. I'll let you know how it goes!

Learning Patience

This whole process is really teaching us to be patient. Anyone who knows me knows that patience is not a characteristic that comes easily to me. Matt is much more patient, but also says he struggles in this area. I think much of our problem comes from our type-A personalities. We both feel the need to be in control of things, and we have a pre-set plan for everything. I am sure that I didn't need to tell anyone that...it's pretty obvious. We have definitely had to learn to do whatever is in our control, and then leave the rest up to God.

As soon as I turned in the paperwork, I e-mailed Sharon to see about setting up an appointment for a week later. Matt and I both had a day off, and it would have been perfect to schedule something. I forgot that background checks and fingerprinting do not happen overnight. Sharon probably got a good laugh when reading my e-mail. At some point, she'll probably develop a special folder in her inbox, just for the million e-mails that I send. We were able to set up our first home study meeting for March 30th.

I think this process is really helping our mindset, so that we will be more prepared when we are placed with a child. With kids (from what I've seen), you can make all the plans in the world, but that doesn't mean that they will work out. Things happen at the worst possible times and you just have to deal with it. We have really been able to control much of our lives up until this point, so this has been a good lesson. I have a feeling that the lessons in patience are not over yet, they have only just begun!

One Step Closer

What a feeling! Today, we dropped off all of our adoption paperwork to the agency...all 62 pages of it. We literally worked on that for 2 1/2 months, so it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of our shoulders. It is just exciting to think that we are one step closer to completing this process. At the same time, it is a little intimidating - for two reasons.

One, it is a little scary to think that we will soon have a child. I'm sure this is the same anxiety that expectant parents experience. Don't get me wrong, we are thrilled about becoming parents, but we are terrified at the same time. :)

Second, now that the paperwork has been submitted, we are stuck with what we wrote. Here comes the second-guessing. Could our answers have been better? What if we sound like complete morons? Should we have written more? In the end, we just need to let it go, and trust that our answers are a good representation of who we are. I am not too worried. We went over our answers twice, and didn't change anything. I think we're good.

Hopefully, we can start the home study process soon. There are four meetings that make up the home study, two at our home and two at the office. Once that is done, then we will get certified by the state. Once we're certified we'll be eligible to apply for adoption grants, so we plan to start working on those documents soon. That way, once we're done, we can start submitting the applications. We'll probably start working on our match letter soon too.

There's lots of work ahead, but we need to celebrate the small steps along the way!

Stupidity

During class on Tuesday, we talked about transracial adoption (adopting a child of a different race from either adoptive parent). The teacher and an adoptive family shared that people do not always think before asking quetions or making comments. As we started this process, we realized the the child we adopt will most likely be from a different race, and we are just fine with that. I don't think that we considered the fact that not everyone will be ok with it. Not that I really care about other peoples' opinions, but it did get me thinking.

Why is it that people feel comfortable asking very intrusive questions about a child if it appears that he/she was adopted? Those same people would never be that forward with a woman who appears to have a biological baby with her. What is even more puzzling is that these questions/comments are usually only made when the adoptive mom is out with the kids on her own. If the adoptive father is with them, the comments are kept to a minimum. Why is that? Whatever the answer, I wonder how we will react if/when people say things to us. We were taught last night that "Why do you ask?" is a really effective response because it throws people off. I'm glad that I have a prepared response now, because I can't guarantee that I would be very polite if someone was insulting me or my children. Our teacher last night gave examples of questions/comments that adoptive moms have been asked. These are actual examples, not made up:

"Is the father black?" - obviously asked if the mother is not black
"You've been busy!" - if the mother has children of different races
"How much did he/she cost?"

Seriously people?! You don't hear people asking a new mom with a biological baby "How much did that hospital stay run you?" Why do random people feel that they have the right to be so rude with adoptive families? I guess that I will just have to rely on "Why do you ask?" when I encounter such ignorance...unless I can prepare some really sarcastic comebacks in advance. :>)

Relationships and Resources

Last week's class was great because we finally had an opportunity to get to know everyone a little better. Usually, this class is scheduled for the third week of the course, but they had to move things around. I can understand why the class is so helpful early on; it really helped to build some connections within our group. We went around the table, and each couple talked about the path that led them to adoption. It was so interesting to hear how everyone had gotten to this point. It is a little sad that we are coming up on our last class, and haven't really developed any relationships within the group. I have a feeling that we will see these couples again in the future. If nothing else, this process has built relationships with other people we know who are hoping to adopt as well.

I do hope to develop friendships with others who adopt so that we have a support network that understands what we have been through, and what we are going through (especially after we are placed with a child). While everyone's experience is different, it will be nice to have a reference point. I've started reading books about adoption, but they are as stress-inducing as the "What to Expect" type books for pregnancy. As I read them, I have to remember that they are one person's opinion, and often focus on the worst-case scenario. I have gotten some good ideas and information, but I am trying not to put too much stock in them. If anyone knows of any good book about adoption, please let me know.

It is hard to believe that we are already at the end of our classes (tonight is the last one!). It seems like just yesterday that we requested an information packet from the agency. As we complete each step in the process, we get a little more excited. We just keep praying that God gives us patience, and peace, as move a little closer to a placement.

The Adoptive Family's Perspective

In class last week, we had the opportunity to hear from a birth mother as well as an adoptive family. The counselor who taught the class was a birth mother who placed her son for adoption eight years ago. They also brought in a family who had adopted twice through the agency, and had a third adoption fall through. It was so great to be able to ask questions, and get answers directly from the source. While the teacher was able to provide some insight, the adoptive family was the most helpful for us.

One of the best things their story showed us, was just how different each adoption can be. Their first child was an ideal adoption scenario. They are very close with the birth mother, who is extremely responsible and trustworthy. The whole process went well, and they had a decent amount of time to prepare. The second adoption fell through a few days after they took the baby home from the hospital. The third was very rushed (they received a call and a few hours later, they picked up the baby), and they have no contact with the birth mother. This really showed us that we cannot put too much into the stories of others, because each adoption is unique. It really hit home the idea that we simply need to trust God to help us through our experience.

It was incredible to listen to them. The relationship that they have with the birth mother is very close to what Matt and I would like. She goes to their house for holidays and birthday parties, and they keep the communication open. It is very much like she is part of their extended family. In fact, even the birth mother's extended family and the adoptive family's extended family all get along and know each other. They are so close that she went on vacation with them, and she occasionally babysits for their kids. What a great level of love and trust that they have! We're not real sure about the idea of going on vacation with our birth mother, but we still hope to have that much love and trust.

We also appreciated being able to watch the adoptive family interact. Even though we know that adopted children fit into a family in the same way that a biological child would, we still had some fears and concerns. With this family, you would not have known that the children were adopted, except for the fact that they were a different race. While fears may exist, we know that the children we receive through adoption will our OUR children, and the relationship that we have with them will be similar to any other parent-child relationship. I think observing the family, and listening to them, helped to cement that idea.

We have just two more classes to go! It's hard to believe that we are almost to the end. We are almost done with our paperwork, and are hoping to stick to our end-of-February goal for submitting it. Our home study will follow, although we do not know how long it will take to get that set up. We are still hoping that by the start of summer, our letter will be in the match book for birth mothers to see.

Bonding & Attachment

In preparing ourselves for adoption, we realized that there were going to be different challenges that we may face. I don't think either of us considered that bonding with the baby may be one of those challenges. In my mind, we would pick up the baby from the hospital and then begin our happy lives together. While I am pretty sure we will be a happy little family, it never dawned on us that we may have to be very intentional about developing a relationship with him/her. Our teacher for the week, who also happens to be our Adoption Counselor, said that much of bonding and attachment will occur during the first 2 - 4 weeks after the baby comes home. This made complete sense to us. What surprised us was the suggestion that we avoid contact with people outside of family members during this time.

Wow, that is going to be really hard!. After getting a placement, we're going to be so excited that we would want to show him/her off to everyone. The trouble is that the baby will need to learn that we are his/her caregivers. If too many other people are around, it could slow that process. It is hard to think that he/she may not be comfortable with us for awhile. Sharon shared stories of babies that would arch their back (as if in pain) anytime someone picked them up. They just were not comfortable being held. How hard that must have been for the adoptive parents! Thankfully, that is not something that occurs with all adopted children. She also shared a few examples of ways that we can encourage that attachment (i.e. baby massage). If we did experience any attachment issues, CFCA offers various forms of therapy to help adoptive parents. We're praying that we do not need to utilize that resource, but we are grateful that it is available.

Open Adoption

Another great class this week! Tuesday night’s topic was open adoption. When we first started discussing adoption, we felt nervous about the idea of an open adoption. It just seemed like a closed adoption would be so much safer. What happens if the birth family wants the baby back? What happens if our birth family becomes too clingy? What if we just don’t like them? All of these questions and fears were really put to rest this week.

Actually, we are really excited about the prospect of an open adoption. This woman is going to be giving us a tremendous gift, why wouldn’t we want her to be a part of our lives? There is a great deal of research out there that supports the idea that an adopted child benefits greatly from contact with his/her birth family. It makes sense!

CFCA (our agency) has the adoptive family and birth family create a Covenant (Adoption Agreement). This document lays out what both parties are comfortable with, regarding future contact and communication. In reviewing a “standard” Covenant, it sounds like our ideal situation is pretty normal. There are usually four visits per year (birthday, Christmas, and two others) along with monthly or bimonthly phone calls and fairly regular e-mail exchanges. During the first year, the interaction is a lot more frequent, and it will taper off as the child gets older. According to the Pregnancy Counselor who taught the class, many birth families will disappear after the first year or two. They simply want to see that their child is being cared for, and then they are able to move on in their lives. We truly hope that is not the case for us.

It is really funny how we’ve completely changed our views on open vs. closed adoption. I think we would actually be disappointed if they disappeared or showed little interest in getting together. We would like to have a relationship that allows us to invite the birth family to our child’s baptism, sporting events, dance recitals, graduations, etc. This family will become part of our family, and that is pretty cool! We just pray that the birth family is open to having that level of relationship with us.

Having a Positive Adoption Experience

Our class this week was awesome! We took so much of the discussion to heart; God was really working on us Tuesday night! It helped us to see the process from perspective of the birth family, which we had not considered. The biggest realization that we had was how selfish we had been in our thinking about this process. We were so focused on the impact and feelings that were involved for us, that we forgot that other people are part of this equation.

While I could probably write a lot more about the class, there were a few things in particular that really hit us:

Most adoptive families are jealous of the birth mother because she gets to experience pregnancy, and the bonding that goes along with it. I'll admit that I have experienced those feelings. We were reminded that we are not the only people involved, and that the birth mother will probably be jealous of our ability to raise the child for the rest of his/her life. This whole time, we'd been making it about ourselves, without even considering how our birth mother was going to feel.

A big fear that we have, along with most adoptive families, is that the birth mother will select us and then back out. Obviously, this is a possibility (if we have the right to opt out at any time, why shouldn't she have the same right?). We worried about the sense of loss we would feel if this did happen. How would we handle it? The adoption counselor who led Tuesday night's class reminded us that regardless of how the adoption placement goes, someone will experience a loss. Yes, if the birth mother backs out, we will feel as though we have lost a child. While we knew that she was making a conscious decision to place her baby with an adoptive family, we didn't really consider how great a loss that would be for her. No matter what, someone is going to grieve once the decision is finalized.

I pray that we are always able to keep the birth family at the forefront of our thinking, remembering that they are going to feel a great impact as we move forward. I pray that we can empathize with the birth family and their experience. This process cannot be solely about us. I hope that even if we experience a worst-case scenario, that we can move forward knowing that God is in control and has a wonderful plan for our lives.

Adoption 101

We attended our first adoption class on Tuesday night. We'll admit that we expected most of it to be repeat information. We have already attended two orientations, hosted by another agency, and a day long conference. How much more information could there possibly be? A lot. We walked through the process, step by step. While we had a basic understanding, we still had a lot of questions.

Do we get to name the baby? How does that work?
How much time will we spend with the birth mother before and after the adoption?
What does an open adoption really look like?
Are there any issues that tend to pop up in the process?

We got all of our questions answered. For most of them, the answer was "it all depends." Each adoption experience is unique, and so there aren't firm answers. The only set answer was about naming the baby. If you're curious...the birth mother will name the baby when he/she is born, and a birth certificate will be generated based on that. Once we go to court to finalize the placement, we are able to change the name and a new birth certificate will be printed with our information on it. Ideally, we can agree up front on a name, so the birth certificate will not change much. We'll see. We already have ideas for names (no, we're not going to share them), so we have a feeling we'll end up needing to changing the certificate.

We were really looking forward to meeting the other couples in the class. Our adoption counselor told us that many of the couples become close friends, and stay in touch long after their adoptions are finalized. Being the first night, I think everyone felt a little nervous and awkward. We're am excited to get to know them better over the next seven weeks. We are definitely the youngest couple in the class. There was one couple that looked close in age, but the rest are at least 5 - 10 years older.

If you have any questions about the process, please let us know. We're very open about it.

As you pray for us, please begin to pray for the birth mother who will eventually select us to parent her child.

Paperwork and Preferences

When I said that we received a lot of paperwork to complete, we didn't realize exactly how much was going to be involved. As we flipped through the packet last week, we got a little overwhelmed. It isn't really the amount of paper; it is more the questions that we need to answer. By the time we finish this process, we will have a very detailed plan for our children. While there is a lot to do, we've realized that it this is our opportunity to really prepare for having kids. These are questions that we would not have talked about if we had conceived naturally. Over the next few weeks, there should be some interesting conversations in our house!

Quite a few people have asked us questions about our adoption preferences, so I thought I would share them with you...in case you're curious.

It will be a domestic adoption; most likely the baby will be from Arizona. We considered international adoption, but the cost and amount of red tape was a little intimidating to us. We've requested a child between 0 - 6 mos. We don't have a preference with boy v. girl. Since we would not have a choice naturally, we felt it was appropriate to let God decide that for us. We are pretty open about race/ethnicity. We are trying to keep our options open because it should help the process move faster. We've had to decide how comfortable we are with various disabilities and medical conditions. Again, we are trying to be open although we have set some limits.

Tuesday night is our first class: Introduction to the Adoption Experience. We'll let you know how it goes.