A year in review

To say that this year brought surprises would be an understatement. When we began 2014, we had only hoped that we could get custody of Alex. By March, we had accepted the fact that God may have designed our family with just one child. April brought news of a new baby and in May we found out we'd be bringing home two kids. Unreal!

The summer brought us a whirlwind family vacation, an expedited home study and then emergency surgery for Matt. We ended our summer by picking up both Alex and Jacob. The months that followed were some of the toughest that I've ever experienced. Going from one to three kids brought a lot of issues that we were not necessarily prepared for.

Despite the struggles we endured, we really saw the kindness of others come through. Friends and family stepped up in ways that I could never have imagined. It reminded me how strong of a community I am part of.

I think about how much things have changed at our house. Everything is "more." More laundry. More mess. More dishes. More tears. More frustration. But, also more laughter. More playing. More fun. More love.

At times, I still cannot grasp how much God has given us this past year. While many of my friends are hoping for excitement in 2015, I'm praying that it is nowhere near as exciting as 2014 for our family. Could you imagine another year like this one??

I wish you and yours a very happy new year. May you be blessed richly in 2015!

A great read!

I think many of you are friends with me on Facebook, so chances are good that you already saw this after I posted it last night. It is just so good, that I wanted to share on here as well.

If you have wondered what it is like to be an adoptive parent in a delivery room, this (in my opinion) offers a great description. It took me back to the day CJ was born and we were with Brooke as she gave birth. I only wish I had a photographer take similar photos. He/She did an incredible job of capturing the variety of emotions that were present. I just love that you can almost feel the love they experienced in that moment.

http://www.therhouse.com/from-love-to-love/

You'll have to copy and paste. For whatever reason, when I link it properly, the link doesn't actually show up.

Enjoy!

Mom guilt...multiplied

In the past few weeks, CJ has been acting out...a lot. He has been disrespectful, defiant and downright mean. He has refused to follow directions, he picks on Alex and he has gotten into trouble at school. It's embarrassing and frustrating. We have tried so many different techniques for redirection and discipline, but nothing has worked.

I realize that this is most likely due to the changes our family has gone through over the past four months. Everyone responds in their own time and in their own way. We were told that transition issues tend to show up about three months after placement (which is exactly when CJ started having trouble). I believe he is acting out in order to get attention from us. Our attention has been divided by three, and he is looking for any way possible to get us to focus on him, even if it means that he is getting in trouble.

This breaks my heart.

My once sweet little boy has become very angry.

I knew that the addition of two boys would bring some difficult times, I just didn't realize how hard it would be on CJ. It's easy to read articles and think through how it will go, but to actually live it is complete different. I don't think I could have prepared myself for what we've experienced.

Do you know how hard it is watching your son act out in response to choices you made? Can you imagine the amount of guilt I feel because this is "my fault?" I feel terrible that we didn't do more to prepare for CJ's reaction to all of this. I hate that he is getting in trouble and I am afraid that he'll develop a reputation.

Right now, I am desperate to find something that works. I want to fix it...now. I know that time is going to be the best solution in this case, although we will continue with our methods and discipline techniques. Right now, I am just grateful that he has teachers that love him and are patiently guiding him through this confusing time.

I'd appreciate your prayers, both for CJ and all those working with him.

Waiting

I think this author does a great job in describing the waiting process with adoption. Most people realize that the wait can be tough, but there are so many factors that they don't see. When we were waiting to adopt CJ, it was very frustrating to try to find daycare or figure out my work leave without knowing when we'd be placed. If you factor in my ridiculously Type A personality, you'll see just how tough it was at time to plan without actually being able to plan.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/11/25/awaiting-my-due-date/

Keeping family together

Yesterday, I read a story about a family that has adopted 8 boys, all from the same birth mother. The adoptive mom said that she felt that she had to keep them together. So, each time the birth mother contacted her about a pregnancy, they opened up their home to one more child. What an amazing family!

If I'm being honest, this is something I fear. You see, while we have three siblings, there are a few others that were born before CJ. Chances are strong that there will be more siblings in the future. What are we going to do if we get called about another pregnancy?

On one hand, I could not imagine someone else taking care of my boys' brother or sister. How would we explain to our boys that they have another sibling that was born after them that we chose not to parent? If we met that child one day, how would we explain that we adopted three of his/her brothers, but chose not to adopt him/her? On the other hand, affording another adoption would put a huge financial strain on our family. It's not as though this is a cheap process, and we have three boys that we need to support. My head spins just thinking about this.

Obviously, this whole post is kind of putting the cart before the horse (because there is currently no baby on the way), but I feel like I need to be prepared with what to say and do if this does happen. I just pray that we don't have to make that choice. If one day we do, I trust that God will show us exactly how to handle it.

A Slight Delay

When people say that in adoption you often "hurry up and wait," they are not kidding. As we go through two adoptions at the same time, I constantly feel like all we are doing is waiting for things to happen. All of our workers are moving as fast as they can, but there are a lot of steps involved, especially given that these are out-of-state adoptions.

Yesterday, we had a dependency hearing for Alex's adoption. These hearings happen every few months, and they are a chance for all parties involved to give updates on how the process is going. Thankfully, we do not have to attend the hearings in person. Technology allows us to attend via telephone. While there was not a lot discussed yesterday, we did get a few updates.

The workers involved do not believe that we will be able to finalize in the next six months. There is a lot of paperwork that still needs to be completed. Some of you know that we had hoped to complete his adoption in early spring next year, so this was a little disappointing to hear. The judge stated that the adoption needed to be completed by November 1, 2015 (I'm still hoping it will happen much, much sooner). We will need to provide Arizona with an updated home study. We have a current home study for Jake's adoption, so it would be great if they would accept that instead of making us go through it again. I'm not sure I have it in me to have yet another home study done. If we need to do it again, that would be our fourth one since 2010.

We will have another hearing in April, which will hopefully be one of the last ones. I'll be sure to keep you posted on what is happening. For now, we will just continue with our monthly home visits.

A beautiful gift from my sister, Liz.

Post-placement depression

I'd like to begin by saying that I started this post about two months ago. My pride prevented me from actually publishing it. I was embarrassed that I had such a roller coaster of emotions, especially when I tend to be very open and aware of my feelings. After talking with a few people, I realized that this is something real and I want to be sure that other adoptive moms hear about my experience. I would hate for someone else to feel this way, and think that she is alone. Just know that this is probably one of the hardest posts I've written.

Everyone has heard of post-partum depression. I have never heard anyone talk about a similar experience for adoptive moms. With new biological moms, their bodies have endured something incredible and their hormones are out of whack. Adoptive moms obviously don't share that experience. I don't think many people assume that adoptive moms would even deal with any form of depression after being placed with a baby. After all, we've waited so long for this, how could we be anything but happy?

About two or three weeks after coming home with the boys, I started to feel a wide range of emotions. I was overwhelmed, sad, angry, and even resentful. It did not help that I was extremely tired. Getting used to a newborn schedule is tough, especially when you have two other kids who are very active. At the same time, I was trying to get to know an 18-month old who had his own personality, likes and dislikes (but couldn't communicate those to me aside from screaming).

During that time, I literally just "made it through" each day. My goals were set very low. I simply wanted to make sure my kids were fed, dressed, and made it to bed at a decent hour. I had no desire or drive to do much more than that. My days often ended in tears as I questioned our decision to adopt two kids at the same time. Those questions brought guilt, which made me feel worse.

For weeks, I struggled through this. I kept telling myself that the next day would be better, and it was, but barely (definitely not enough to make me feel good about being a mom of three). Deep down, I knew that we had made the right decision to adopt both boys, but I still had my doubts. Matt was wonderful about giving me a chance to purge my feelings. He took on a greater role when he was at home to relieve some of my stress. Despite having amazing friends and family, I still kept this to myself.

Why couldn't I just share my feelings with others? I can't answer that. For someone who prides herself on being an open book, I'm not sure why I was embarrassed to be dealing with this. Initially, I didn't understand what was going on. It also could have been that everyone kept telling me how great I was doing and how strong I was. After hearing that, how could I admit that I felt terrible inside. I was blessed to be connected with another foster mom through Facebook. She had recently been placed with two kids, and was experiencing a lot of the same feelings. After messaging back and forth a few times, I felt so much better. She had validated what I been going through and gave some ideas on how to handle things.

I'm pleased to say that I've made it back to my normal self again. I still struggle with the frustration and feeling overwhelmed, but it doesn't consume me. For other adoptive moms out there, please don't be embarrassed by feelings you may be experiencing. They are real and valid. Find someone that can help you through it; it is so much better than trying to muddle through it on your own.

Good for you!

Yesterday morning at the park, I got talking to another mom. Her daughter is fairly close in age with Alex, so we had was a natural conversation starter. When she noticed that I had three boys, she shared that she was hoping to have a second child in the near future. She asked if it was harder to from 1-2 kids or 2-3. At that point, I had to share that the boys were adopted because I never went from 1-2. When I shared a little about our story, her response was "good for you!"

All day long, that statement stuck with me.

"Good for you!"

It was as if I had studied and aced an important test, or worked hard and received a promotion. I realize that people don't usually know what to say when I share that we adopted our boys, but this response seemed a little funny to me. So I stared wondering, how would I want someone to respond?

I think I just want a response that is similar to what they would say to a biological mom. I've never told a woman "good for you" when she shares that she is pregnant (although I may try that now just to see the reaction). I hadn't considered that something as simple as this would be just another reminder that I am "different." I wasn't upset by her comment. It takes a lot to offend me or hurt my feelings when it comes to adoption. I simply found it to be an interesting response, and I wasn't sure what to make of it.

Any adoptive moms following this, feel free to comment with what you like to hear when you share that your child(ren) is/are adopted.

My little Superman

Resurfaced Feelings

When CJ was our only child, I held a small shred of hope that we might get pregnant one day. Don't get me wrong, I have always been fully aware of our chances and have spent a lot of time working through the feelings associated with infertility. That doesn't mean that I couldn't hold hope that it could still happen to us.

Recently, I was thinking about where life has taken our family, and it made me a little sad. Sad because I realized that a biological child is somewhat out of the question now. We are in waaaay over our heads with three kids, so the idea of a fourth child brings on a crazy level of anxiety.

I hadn't thought about this until I started seeing so many Facebook updates with baby bump pictures, ultrasound pictures and gender reveals. Have you noticed that you never just have one pregnant friend? It happens in clumps of four or five at a time. For a minute, I thought that it would be amazing to be able to post those things...and then the baby started crying while Alex hit CJ and CJ threw applesauce across the dining room. Yeah, I'm not sure I could handle another child.

It's a weird shift, to go from hoping for a biological child to hoping that it doesn't happen. It's not a feeling that they prepare you for when you attend adoption training classes. You learn how to cope with infertility, the emotions related to the adoption process, and the fears that come with being an "adoptive parent." No one tells you how to let go of the desire to have a baby.

It may take time, but with three kids I've noticed that time flies by pretty fast. While it would be amazing to experience pregnancy, or to see my features in a child, or to identify the characteristics that he/she inherited from me, I have been blessed with three beautiful boys. If God sends us a miracle, we will be very happy, but we will also be VERY happy to stop with what He has already given us.

A Refreshed Soul

I know the title sounds a little cheesy, but this is exactly how I feel tonight. My soul has been refreshed! After finding out that our babysitters don't need to be cleared through CPS, I was excited to plan a date night. Matt's cousins offered to watch the kids, and we jumped at the chance to go out. However, as it got closer, I started to wonder if we were going to have to cancel. Alex has been dealing with a food intolerance, but we can't figure out which food is giving him trouble (we just cut milk, hoping that works). That food intolerance created very messy diapers which created a horrible diaper rash. Jake wasn't handling his formula well, so we've been trying out new options. CJ has been acting out a little, which encourages Alex to act out too.

Yesterday was rough! Never mind the toxic diapers we were changing, the kids were acting out of control. Matt and I were not our best selves yesterday. As we went to bed, I asked him if we should just cancel. As frustrated as we were, we did not want anyone else do deal with the craziness of our kids. We decided to wait until today to make a final call. We figured that maybe they just needed a good night's rest.

Things were still a little iffy today, but we had already made a reservation at a foot spa. We decided to go to our appointment (which was amazing) and then see how the kids were doing. Thankfully, they were behaving well, so we continued on to dinner... a dinner that was not interrupted by kids asking for more noodles, or complaining about the meal, or throwing food at the dog.

As we got in our car to head home, we were a new couple. We were relaxed, which may have been due to the glass of wine we enjoyed with our meal. We were excited to see the kids and they were excited to see us. We had a great night as a family!

We've always known the value in time spent as a couple, but lately we haven't had the time or energy to go out. Three kids has been more of an adjustment than I was ready for. We've had great days and we've had terrible days. While it was hard to carve out time to go on a date, this was when we needed it the most. We will be better about date nights in the future, even if it is only once per month. We are better parents when we are able to spend a little time away from our kids. We love them, but we also know that our family will function much better when our marriage is strong.

Post-Placement Visit #1 (Alex)

After having a visit on Saturday, I really wasn't worried about this morning's visit. I assumed it would be a little difference since today's visit was with Clark County DCFS. It was actually a lot easier. The worker that came by (Desi) has worked with us before. She knows our case and is great to work with.

She came over and we just chatted for awhile. She asked a lot of the same questions that were asked on Saturday, although she was mainly interested in information about Alex. She asked a few questions about Jake, but not many. I was a little surprised that she didn't need to walk around the house at all, but she said that doesn't need to happen at every visit.

The best news came at the end. I asked her about finding an approved babysitter so that Matt and I can get a night out. She told me that we only need an approved babysitter if we are gone for more than four hours at a time. Since that probably won't happen, we are free to have a date night! Yay!! The last time we went out without a child was in July. Now the question is...what to do on our night out?

Post-Placement Visit #1 (Jake)

Yesterday, we had our first post-placement visit for Jake's adoption. While I wasn't nervous, I was definitely curious what it would entail. It's been three years since we did this for CJ's adoption. This is the first of six visits before we're able to finalize his adoption.

Basically, we just sat down with our social worker and talked about how things are going. She wanted to know how each of us was adjusting to the changes in our family. We talked about both Jake and Alex (even though this visit was specific to Jake). Everything from sleep to diet to attachment was discussed. I felt pretty confident as I answered her questions, although I felt a little guilt when I had to admit that I haven't bonded with Alex as much as I would like. The social worker was very encouraging that I just need to give it time.

She even spent a few minutes talking to CJ about his thoughts and feelings. It was kind of fun hearing him answer her questions. You never know what kids are going to say! Earlier in the conversation, I had shared that Alex took a liking to a little couch we have in the living room. For awhile, that little couch was creating BIG problems between our boys. She asked CJ about the couch; here is the conversation that followed:

CJ - "Sometimes I sit in the middle of the couch so Alex can't sit down. He gets mad at me."
Christina - "Oh, what happens next?"
CJ - "I hit him."

You can't be mad at his honesty.

Tomorrow morning, we meet with our worker for Alex's adoption for the first time. I'm guessing the questions will be about the same, although I think she will probably check out the house a little to be sure that we're following the standards for a foster home. I'll let you know how it goes!

Love and Logic

To say that things have been out of control in our house may be putting it mildly. The two older boys are acting out (which is to be expected) and the baby seems to have a touch of colic. Awesome, right? Usually, we can make it until around 4pm, but that is our "witching hour." The time when all hell breaks loose and the kids (and I) lose our minds. As I've shared in past posts, I've allowed myself to get angry and raise my voice more often than I'd like to admit. Last weekend, I had had enough. I knew it was time for a new strategy.

At MOPS two years ago, we had a speaker come to teach us about Love and Logic. This parenting style was very different from what came naturally to me, and I kind of wrote it off at the time. Now that I am outnumbered, I'm willing to try anything.

As you probably know, we are foster parents to Alex until his adoption is finalized. Being accountable to state laws limits the methods of discipline that we are able to use. That is not to say that we went crazy with spanking when disciplining CJ, but it was something that we've used in the past. In recent months, we noticed that spanking just doesn't work. We had to try something new.

I went to the library and got Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim Fay & Charles Fay. I am hesitant to try to explain the concepts, for fear of interpreting it incorrectly. Here are a few things I've taken from the book:

*Children are given choices as much as possible so that when you need to make the decision, they are more responsive. Choices don't need to be life-altering, but you do need to be comfortable with either choice they make. Do you want PB & J or a quesadilla for lunch? Would you like to take your nap in 5 minutes or 10 minutes? Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?
*Consequences are delivered immediately and with empathy. If one of the boys throws a toy, I would say "That is really sad that you aren't going to be able to play with that toy anymore." I then take the toy away and they do not get it back until the next day. For some of the more serious offenses, the consequence is a timeout in their room. I tell them a rule one time, after that, any bad choices are met with a consequence.
*Anger is removed from interactions because it does no good, and actually shows the kids that you have lost control. This is probably the toughest one of all. It is so easy to let the kids get to you when they are screaming in your face or purposely making bad choices. If needed, I take a few seconds before I say or do anything.

We're four days in to this new parenting style, but already I like it. The boys are doing a little better, but the biggest change I've seen is with myself. On Monday, Matt got home from work and I was not in a good place. I hate having him come home to a tense situation. He's had a long day, and definitely doesn't want to walk into a firestorm. Tuesday, he got home and even though the boys had been a little crazy, I was relaxed and happy. I even felt a little empowered after giving out consequences without getting upset.

Obviously, this may not work for everyone. The book even tells you to not attempt to institute all of the concepts at one time. If you can find one thing that works for you, then I'd consider that a win. Happy parenting!

Post-Placement Visits

Things are moving forward! Today, I received e-mails from our caseworkers for both boys, asking to schedule our first post-placement visits. Yes, we have to have separate visits for Alex and Jake. While they are separate processes, they should look about the same. We'll have a visit every 30 days for each child. During that time, the worker will talk with us about how things are going and observe us with the kids. With Alex's visits, we will also be checked to make sure that our house still meets the requirements to be licensed as a foster home.

Thankfully, I am in no way nervous for these visits. Who has time to be nervous when you're running after three kids each day? I know that we're doing things right, so I don't see any reason to worry. It definitely helps that we've been through this before with CJ's adoption.

Once we've had enough visits, we will be recommended for adoption of both boys. I am not sure how many visits are necessary, but I am hoping it isn't too many. From there, paperwork will be filed with Arizona and Nevada and we'll wait to be approved. I believe that we'll be able to finalize Jake's adoption here in Nevada, but I'm not sure about Alex's. There is a chance we'll have to head back to Tucson for a final court hearing.

In related news, I also received a packet of paperwork for Alex's adoption. More paperwork...awesome. I really should add up the number of pages we have completed since first adopting CJ. I'm sure several forests were harmed in the growing of our family. Tomorrow's nap time will be spent digging through these documents and forms so that we can get them back in the mail as soon as possible.

While this process has been tough, and often confusing, we have been blessed with caseworkers who are knowledgeable, patient and supportive. With their help, we will make it through and add two more Fischers to the world in no time.

Alex's Home

Yesterday afternoon, CJ asked me when Alex was going back to his home. It was a sincere question; not a hint of malice or ill will. I'll be honest, it caught me off-guard a bit. Up until today, CJ had not really acknowledged that Alex had previously lived somewhere else. He knew that Alex had lived in a different house because we had visited his previous foster family a few times. Actually, I found it a bit surprising that it took seven weeks for him to realize that this was not a temporary situation.

I answered that this was Alex's home now because we are adopting him, so he wasn't going back to the house he lived in before. He was now a part of our family. While this seemed to be an acceptable answer, CJ didn't quite understand why Alex would start in one house and move to another. How do you explain foster care to a 3-year old? I simply told him that the other family needed to take care of Alex until we were ready to bring him to our house; adding that it was very special that Alex got to live with us since he is CJ's brother. After a few more follow up questions, I think CJ was happy with the answers that I had provided.

I don't know how much he got from the conversation, but I hope he always feels comfortable asking questions like that. We knew, going into adoption, that there would be questions that were hard to answer. Maybe this was an easy introduction to what we'll get down the road.

Being Me, Bravely

This is theme for MOPS this year. Be You, Bravely.

I had thought a little bit about what that meant, both for me and the 75 other moms that are part of my group. It wasn't until the past few days that I really thought about how this could be applied. The one thing I keep coming back to is the idea of being brave enough to be real about your life.

One thing I've said about a lot of my friends here is that they are very real. There is no sugar-coating anything. They'll be the first to admit that they haven't showered in three days. Or that they yelled at their kids that morning. Or that they are having issues with their husband. I appreciate this. My life is FAR from perfect, and it's refreshing when people are willing to admit the same. It gives us a common denominator and a support system.

Lately, we've received some very nice compliments about how well we've adjusted to our growing family. At first, I was very proud. I needed to hear that we were doing something right. However, if I'm being real, I need to acknowledge that these compliments are based on very brief moments of interaction - church, playdates, etc. If only those same people could see me at home, the remaining 97% of my day. Actually, I'm kind of glad they can't see me. I almost feel like I need to come clean about who I am. I need to be me, bravely. It is easy to admit the good things I am doing, but admitting the negatives is tough! This is not to say that I am defined by the list that follows. It is simply who I am at this stage in life, when others are not watching.

*I take out my frustration on my poor husband on a regular basis.
*I raise my voice at my kids more than I'd like to admit.
*I am struggling to like my children. I love them, but when meltdowns are happening on a constant basis, liking them is tough.
*I am only just figuring out how to be a parent to Alex.
*I've cried more in the past 5 weeks than I have in the past year.
*I've frequently questioned God's plan for our family.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I actually feel a lot better. I'm not embarrassed by how things are going for us right now. Well, maybe I'm a little embarrassed, but not enough to try to hide things. The only way that I'm going to move past some of my issues is to put them out there.

While my ugly side has come out lately because of the stress and anxiety, there are also some positives coming from this chaos.

*I've been willing to ask for, and accept, help. Let's face it, there is no way I could be doing this on my own!
*I've prayed more than I ever have before. I am literally talking to God all day long.
*I am learning to let go of things. My house is rarely clean. Sometimes I don't take a shower. I let my kids get super dirty because it's one of the few times that they are quiet and play well together. You know what...it's ok!

I hope that others out there feel comfortable being themselves, bravely. None of us is perfect, no matter how things may appear. There is no shame in admitting our faults, and then finding ways to move beyond them. There is also no shame in acknowledging what we are doing well.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Psalm 139:14

Regression

When we agreed to welcome Alex into our family, we knew that there would be challenges. It was obvious that removing an 18-month old from an environment he is used to, and completely turning his world upside down, would be very hard on him. We did our best to mentally prepare for handling those situations.

What I was not prepared for was regression five weeks into it. Since picking him up and bringing him home, we've had some intense ups and downs. Up until this past weekend, I thought we had been making some serious progress. And then the weekend happened.

Saturday night was one of the hardest I've had in a long time. Screaming for no reason, throwing anything he could get his hands on, and trying to bite me - just a few of the wonderful moments we experienced. Frustration got the best of me and I went to bed ANGRY. Angry that it appeared we had made no progress. Angry that no methods were helping. Ultimately, angry that I had no control over this.

I had never considered the possibility that he was going to take a few steps forward and a lot of steps back. I just assumed we would jump back at the beginning and move forward from there. I also didn't realize that his regression would make me feel like a failure. I should be able to handle this...why is it so hard?

As I went to bed that night, my sweet husband offered to pray with, and for, me. We said "Amen" and then "goodnight" and I lay there going over the day's events. I wished someone had told me that it could get worse before it gets better. I was disappointed that I hadn't done more homework on how this could play out.

When I finished beating myself up, I realized that no amount of preparation can really prepare you for what will happen. Every child is different and every child has their own way of handling stress. My son's method, unfortunately, is a little more aggressive than I was prepared for. Instead of being hard on myself and wallowing in my own self-pity, I decided to try a few things each day:

1. I will pray for my children. I do pray for them, but not as much as I need to right now. Our family is going through some stuff, and only God is able to take care of us at this point. I'm going to pray that Alex can find his place in our family and that we can learn how to help him manage this transition. I will pray that CJ remains calm and doesn't get frustrated by the chaos in our home. I pray that Jacob will grow into a boy who loves Jesus.

2. I will start each days as a blank slate. What happened yesterday does not matter. If God forgets my sins, I can forget the bad choices my kids made the day before. It does me no good to dwell on the past.

3. I will remain calm. This is, by far, the hardest one. When a child screams at me for 30 minutes at a time, the last thing I want to do is remain calm. But I have to ask myself, "what good will it do for me to get upset?" The answer...not a bit of good.

4. I will focus on the positive things that are happening in our family. For every hard moment, there are several great ones. When I think about those things, the rest of it doesn't seem so bad.

Your prayers are appreciated as we keep moving forward in this process. I am hopeful that we will soon see progress again. As I go through all of this, it only further cements my desire to write a book and share our experiences with adoption and foster care. If only I had time to really sit down and write...

Little Eyes

Lately, CJ has really taken to "parenting" his Mickey Mouse doll. This doll has been very special for a long time now, but he's never taken care of it. It is so awesome to watch, especially when he tries to mimic what I'm doing for Jake. He calms Mickey using the same sayings that I use. He asked me for a bottle yesterday so that he could feed him. In the middle of each feeding, he stops to burp him. Usually, he'll put Mickey into the baby swing after a feeding so he can sleep. Today, he put Mickey in a hat and held it up to his belly to create a carrier. While all of this is adorable, my favorite is when he gets mad at us for waking Mickey up. Umm, I'm pretty sure that is the pot calling the kettle black, but I digress.

As I watched him this afternoon, it hit me just how much he watches me. He is so careful to care for Mickey exactly just as I care for Jake. After feeling all warm and tingly about it, I got a little terrified. If he's watching this carefully, am I showing him the best example of parenting? A lot of the time, the answer is a resounding "NO." Wow, what a hit to the gut. I was convicted. In that moment, I realized that little eyes are always watching me. The parent that I am today will most likely be the parent they are down the road. What do I want them to take away from this?

Parenting is already a lot of pressure, but sometimes I only think of that pressure in the here and now. I forget the lasting impact it could have. While that thought should terrify me, it provided me with some good motivation to check myself when I start to feel frustrated. With three children, frustration comes on hard and fast, but my reaction does not need to. I am hoping that I can find a way to cope with their behavior that allows me to show them the love of Christ, no matter how I am feeling on the inside.

The Power of Words

Over the past four weeks, I have really questioned my parenting ability (along with my sanity). Our family life has been a roller coaster - a few good moments in between a lot of tough ones. It's easy to feel good about yourself when things are going really well, but how do you maintain a level of confidence when you feel like your house is falling apart?

Over the past few weeks, I have found my answer...words of encouragement.

As moms, I think it is vital to hear that we aren't ruining our kids. We need to know that we are doing a good job, no matter how we feel. We need to be told to keep on keepin' on. While it is wonderful to hear that from a spouse, it doesn't always have the same impact. There is something special about hearing it from another mom; someone else who has been in the same trenches and felt as inept, unqualified, etc. as you feel right now.

We, as moms, hold lot of power with our words. We can very quickly cut down, but we can also build up just as fast. I hope that I remember just how helpful it was to hear words of encouragement from my friends as we have adjusted to our family of five. I don't want to forget the moments when a text from a friend helped stopped the tears that were running down my face as all three kids were melting down. I hope that as I talk with moms, I can provide them with the same encouraging words to let them know that they will make it through whatever season they are experiencing.

One of those days...

Yesterday was one of those days. You know, one of those days that you wish you could erase. It started at 3am, and lasted until 9pm. When I turned off my light and put my head on my pillow, all I could do was thank God it was over and pray that the next day would be better.

Going into this adoption scenario, I knew that we would experience tough moments. I knew that there would be challenging transition issues, and that all three kids would act out at times. The problem was, I didn't consider the chance that all three kids could possibly act out at the same time.

The two older boys each spent the day fighting for my attention, and throwing a fit if I dared play with the other. CJ chose to disobey every direction I gave him. Alex screamed whenever he was not allowed to do what he wanted. The baby did not want to be put down...at all.

By nap time, I was ready to lose it.

Thankfully, all three kids took a nap. While the naps only overlapped by 45 minutes, it was a peace that I appreciated. Sadly, as soon as nap time ended, so did my peace.

I'm not sure what side of the bed Alex woke up on, but it was not a pretty side. I'm still learning his preferences, including how he likes to wake up. Whatever I did was apparently wrong, and brought on a 45 minute scream-fest. I tried everything to get him to calm down, but nothing worked.

Once all three kids were up, I tried to get our day back on track. Surprisingly, I was able to start dinner on time. I was feeling pretty proud, until I started feeling extremely hot. At that moment, I really that our air conditioner was no longer working. Awesome. Three kids, dinner already in the oven, and a hot house. Seriously!?

By the time Matt got home, I could barely speak. I was frustrated, sad, confused, tired, hot, etc.

While the kids continued to act out, the house got hotter and I got more irritated as the night went on, I realized that my attitude was the only thing I could control at that moment. I apologized to everyone and attempted to regroup.

I'm not going to lie, I was grateful when I turned the lights out in the kids rooms, said good night, and headed downstairs for some alone time. When I sat down with my big 'ol bowl of ice cream, I thought about my attitude and behavior throughout the day. I was embarrassed. I could not believe that I had allowed myself to lose control. I was sad that I had not chosen to go to God for help. I chose to believe that I could handle it, and that did not get me very far.

I went to sleep last night asking God to help me in future days, knowing that I was going to face many of the same challenges. I prayed that I could hold it together, maintain calm and not lose it. Despite a LONG night, and waking up to the sound of CJ throwing up, today has been a lot better. I've been frustrated and angry, but I've kept my cool (for the most part).

Each day reminds me that I cannot go through this on my own. I know this is a season and that we will one day find our groove. I am trusting that God will provide me with the strength I need to make it through this challenging time. I look forward to the day when I can look back and say "remember when..."

Overwhelmed...that may be an understatement!

I cannot even begin to describe how much life has changed in the last 10 days. On August 4th, we picked up Alex from his foster home and began the transition into life with more children. We had anticipated the baby arriving the same day, so we stayed in Phoenix a few extra days just in case. Within a few days, we realized that it would be easier to transition Alex at home (and we couldn't guarantee that the due date Brooke was given was accurate), so we drove back to Las Vegas. Literally, the next day, I got a call that little Jacob entered the world. Boom...family of 5.

With Matt getting ready to start the school year, we realized that he would not be able to come with me to pick Jacob up. Alex had to come with me because we cannot have anyone else watch him yet, so we decided to have CJ stay home with Matt. My amazing sister drove down with her boys to watch CJ while Matt was working. So with plans falling into place, Alex and I drove back to Phoenix (5 days after we left) to meet the newest Fischer.

Now, there are a lot of reasons I feel overwhelmed. I don't give you this list to get sympathy or praise. I simply need to purge.

1. I hate leaving Matt and CJ behind, especially at a time when I need Matt the most (and vice versa).
2. I'm still getting to know Alex, so life is very frustrating when he just yells because I am not understanding what he is trying to tell me.
3. I haven't had a newborn in 3 1/2 years. There is a lot I had forgotten (or maybe blocked).
4. I did not pack enough toys to keep Alex occupied and it is HOT outside. Cabin fever is taking over.
5. I don't actually know when I get to go home.

While I would love to simply complain, I know that for every difficulty, there is a blessing.

1. My sister was willing to leave her husband at home so she could care for my boys.
2. This is a great opportunity for me to learn more about Alex while the baby is sleeping so much. At home, he would be competing with CJ for attention.
3. The internet has a lot of information about raising newborns. :) It is also coming back to me a lot more than I had expected.
4. Matt's parents have been so helpful in entertaining Alex or holding the baby so I can tend to the other child. I also found a few free classes for Alex at places like Gymboree, so we'll keep busy. Plus, there is an Ikea just up the street and I can walk around there for hours!
5. The social workers in both states are working hard to get me home by Tuesday. There are no guarantees, but I know that they are doing their best.

The biggest blessing is that our boys will get to grow up with biological siblings! How amazing is that?

I'm already worried about life when we get home. CJ has not had the easiest time with all of these changes, and I feel so bad for putting him through it. I can only rely on prayer and the support of our friends and family to get us through these next few months. I can't wait for the day when I can look back and say "remember when..."

Future fears

Yesterday, I read an article about a 19-year old man in Orange County who died recently from using a drug called "K-2" or "spice." While the story was terribly sad, his death was not what scared me the most. What terrified me was the reason the article gave for his drug use. You see, this young man was adopted and had struggled to accept it and understand why his birthmother had made that choice. According to the article, at age 15, he went to a special boarding school to help him deal with the emotional issues that stemmed from knowing he was adopted. His birthmom had used drugs, and the article alluded to the fact that this may have contributed to his own issues with addiction.

Going into adoption, I knew that there were many potential issues that our future children could face. It had not dawned on me that some of these issues could be fatal.

As I sit here and think about what I read, I pray that I will know how to handle the questions that CJ and his brothers have about adoption. I hope that by having an open adoption, they feel more comfortable with their story.

Even now, as a 3-year old, I pray for CJ's future. I have started praying for the future of his brothers as well. Up until now, I had focused on faith, future wife and children, and career. Starting today, I am going to add to my prayers. I will fervently ask God to help CJ (and his brothers) understand why Brooke chose adoption and to realize it was a decision made in love. I will beg Him to keep the boys away from some of the demons that she has faced.

It still amazes me that after three years, I'm continue to find adoption-related issues/topics that I hadn't thought about initially. While there is no resource that can prepare someone completely, I hope that our experience can bring some issues to light for those who are not familiar with adoption.

Guilt and doubt

As we get closer to bringing Alex home, reality has started to set in. I've thought a lot about the impact all of this will have of our family. I've worried about making a successful transition for Alex. We've considered the financial implications of adding two children to our family. What I had not acknowledged was the impact all of this will have on Alex's current foster mom.

She has cared for him, as if he were her own child, for the past 16 months. She has seen him through some serious medical issues. She has helped him grown and develop. In other words, she cares deeply for him. From the beginning, she told us how wonderful it would be for him to have a relationship with his biological brother. Even as it became clear that we could get custody, she assured us that she would not attempt to adopt him (even though I think she would like to). She understood the importance of him being raised with family. While she may know that this is best, I know that she is already feeling the pain as she prepares to say good-bye.

After a recent text conversation with her, I sat down and really thought about the effect this move will have on her and her family. As I processed the various feelings that she may experience, I started to feel an incredible amount of guilt. Guilt is a normal part of adoption. Watching our birthmom hand us her child was one of the hardest things I've done. I felt so guilty that we were able to care for him and she was not able to. I felt guilty that we were so happy on one of the hardest days of her life. The guilt subsided a bit knowing that she really wasn't able to care for him at that time, and that she wanted us to parent him.

In this case, Alex will be taken from a stable, loving environment to be placed with us. He will be removed from all that he knows in order to live with his biological brother. As I pondered all this, I started to doubt if this was the best move for him. Is it fair of us to do this? Would he be better off being adopted by his current foster family? I prayed that God would make it clear to me that this really was the best decision for him.

I don't know that God has put a sign in front of me to show that we are doing the right thing, but I do believe that we are. First and foremost, his birthparents asked us to parent him. They chose us to raise him so that he could grow up with his brothers. It would not be fair to go against their wishes (since we are willing) just because we are scared or we feel bad. Second, he is young enough that he will probably not remember any of this as he gets older.

I hope to continue a relationship with his foster mom for many years to come. I'm not sure she will ever understand how much she has done for me over the past year and a half. I don't know that I will be able to explain to her how much she means to our family. I just pray that she continues to foster children for a long time. This world needs more women like her!

Moving forward

As you know, the baby is due in just over two weeks. With such a short time frame, I've been a little nervous about completing the home study before the baby arrives. Thankfully, we are working with an amazing agency that has assured me that we will be done in time.

Wednesday, I got word that our file was being assigned to a caseworker. Now, my gut reaction was to send an immediate e-mail introducing myself and hinting at the fact that we need this done ASAP. I was good, and did nothing. I realized that she would need some time to review our file, so my goal was to be patient. Within a few hours, she had already contacted me about setting up a meeting. Amazing! We ended up being able to schedule my individual interview for the next morning.

I've gone through home study interviews a few times, three to be exact, so I wasn't too nervous. I knew what questions were coming my way. What never goes away is the fear of having your answers judged and analyzed. That is just something that I had to get over.

You may wonder what questions were asked. You may not, but I'm going to share anyway. She broke up the questions based on the different aspects of my life. We started by talking about me - my likes, strengths, proud moments, etc. From there we moved into relationships with my family. We talked about my life as a mom - how has parenting changed me, what has been challenging, etc. We finished by talking about my marriage. This is where things got REAL personal. Like, stuff I don't share with my girlfriends personal. While it was a little weird answering her questions, I knew her reasoning for asking everything. She wanted to be sure that our marriage was in a good place so that we would be bringing the kids into a healthy environment.

Well, I survived my individual interview. Our caseworker will be coming over this weekend for Matt's individual appointment and our joint session. After that, we'll be pretty much done! It is crazy to think that we were able to finish a home study so quickly. Our home study with CJ lasted a few months. God is definitely guiding this process!

I'm not sure if I shared this before, but our foster license for Alex came through. Now, we are just waiting to hear from Arizona about when we should pick him up. The next hearing is in two weeks, so we are assuming that we'll head down around that time. It's looking like we'll get both boys around the same time.

As always, I'll keep you posted!

Sometimes parenting sucks!

Sometimes, parenting just sucks. I tried to think of a nicer way to say it, but I'm at a loss. Parenting is tough!

Lately, living with CJ has been like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is sweet and loving one minute, and then he turns around and scratches me because I didn't give him a second helping of crackers. He has been mean toward his friends, taking swings at them if he isn't happy about something. He talks back to me all the time.

I am struggling.

I would like to think that I am consistent in disciplining him when he acts up. When he disobeys, I act quickly and firmly. I have tried a variety of discipline techniques. I have limited his sugar intake. I religiously use essential oils on him. Nothing has seemed to make a lasting impact on him.

I understand that part of the issue is that he is 3-years old. I know being an only child does not help. While both may be true, they are also excuses. I know plenty of 3-year old kids that are respectful and kind.

What am I doing wrong?

No matter how hard I analyze my parenting style, I'm not sure that I am going to find an answer. For now, I am going to keep disciplining bad behavior and praising good behavior. I will also pray hard each day that CJ can act in a way that pleases God...and that I can do the same.

It's OK to ask for help!

Last week was one of the most draining of my life. As you know, we are in the process of getting licensed as a foster home while, at the same time, getting our paperwork together to start a home study with a private adoption agency. That alone has given me anxiety, but adding in a medical emergency nearly put me over the edge. Despite Matt being in the hospital for three days, I managed to survive, but only with the help of an amazing community.

I am not the mom who asks for help, even when I desperately need it. I do not easily admit when I am in over my head. I like to think that I can keep it together at all times. It was during the craziness of last week that God reminded me that I am not Supermom, nor should I try to be. He has blessed me with a community of family and friends that support my family through any situation we may encounter. Between prayer, childcare and food, I was overwhelmed by the help we received (and continue to receive).

I know how busy everyone is, which makes it even more special that they dropped things to help us. Being able to text friends and ask if they could watch CJ in the next 30 minutes is such a blessing. For one of my friends, I literally showed up on her doorstep at 9pm with CJ's pillow and asked if he could spend the night. Without hesitation, my friends said "yes." Within hours of being at the hospital, we had a meal schedule planned out. One friend even washed the dishes in my sink while she watched CJ.

When the insanity wore off, and life returned to "normal," I stopped to think about what I should take away from this experience. And then it hit me...God may just be preparing me for what is coming in 3-4 weeks. When we suddenly add two children to our family, I will most definitely need to ask for help. Maybe this was just a trial run to help me prep what for what is next. Whatever the reason, I'm glad I was reminded that that we all need to ask for help sometimes.

Are you sure, God?

Have you ever had one of those moments when you know exactly what God wants you to do, but you can't figure out why He has that much confidence in your ability to get it done? That is where I am at right now. I am looking ahead to where God is leading my family, and I am terrified that I am not going to be able handle it.

As I sat down yesterday to try to organize the chaos that I currently call life, I realized that it is only going to get more chaotic. There are moments that I feel like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown, but this is actually the calm before the storm. If I am starting to freak out now, how will I respond when two more boys join our family?

When I originally thought about how things were going to play out, I was only really thinking about handling the process. I was making to-do lists of documents to collect, appointments to schedule and rooms to organize. What I forgot about was our daily life tasks that still need to be taken care of in the midst of all of this. Things like registering our cars with the DMV, going to the grocery store, and paying the bills suddenly seem completely overwhelming. If I take one task at a time, they are small, but when I make a list my brain starts to explode. I pride myself on being on top of things, and lately I have forgotten to call people back, missed appointments and left many things undone. It is driving me nuts!

In my moments of panic, I've asked God several times "are you sure that I can handle this?" Deep in my heart I know that God would not have given us this opportunity if He was not sure we could handle it with His help. My head is arguing that point though. It is in these crazy times that I am so thankful for family and friends who bring a dose of perspective to my life. I can only hope that I keep my eyes firmly fixed on Jesus and the plan God has laid out for my family, and trust that we will be just fine.

Updates:

Alex - We had our licensing visit on Tuesday. There are a few things that we need to correct at our house, but nothing major. The licensing worker will come back out on Monday to re-check the items that were a concern. We had our fingerprints done last week, so they should be back soon. I completed my four hours of online training, so I believe we have finished everything that we can do to prepare. Now, we just wait for the paperwork to flow back and forth between states.

Baby - We are waiting for reference forms to be returned and background checks to be completed. Our home study will begin (hopefully) in the next week or so. We have a few questionnaires that need to be completed as well. They are all things that we have answered in the past, so it should not take us too long to get through them.

A little bit nuts

I'd like to think that I've kept things together pretty well over the past week. For whatever reason, it all hit me yesterday.

A rush of crazy came over me as I was e-mailing our adoption agency while talking to DCFS on the phone. It was in that moment that I realized that we are adopting two kids. We are trying to balance two processes at the same time. For those who have experienced adoption, you know that it can be a daunting process at times. To do it twice...well, that's just a little bit nuts. I told Matt last night that I need a giant white board with a line down the middle to keep track of what needs to be done for each child's adoption.

I think I got it out of my system yesterday, and now I can focus on what needs to get done. Here is where we are with each child:

Alex:
DCFS, here in Clark County, is working on completing our file. They received the ICPC referral from Arizona and are now updating our license. Our fingerprints expired, so we are going on Saturday to get those done. We may have to do a second set (one for licensing, one for ICPC), but they are hoping that we don't. Soon after, we will have our home visit. During this time, we will meet with an ICPC worker to update our information and a Licensing worker to walk through our home. Thankfully, there is very little we will have to do to prepare for this visit. We also have to complete four hours of online training. I'm not excited about it, but I am very grateful that it is online and not in person!

Baby:
As of right now, we don't have any specific to-do items. Our adoption agency is working on our file. As soon as our fingerprints come back (we had to get our fingerprints done separately for them), they will begin our home study. They have already connected with their Arizona office and are working on the best plan of action for when the baby arrives. The director has assured me that our home study should be complete by the end of July! They are wonderful!

In addition to what our agency and DCFS are requiring, we are going through the process of trying to mentally prepare for what the next few months will bring. I know it will not be easy, but I don't think I'm fully grasping how our family is about to change. With the support we have from friends and family, I'm pretty confident that we will be just fine!

It's a...

Drumroll, please!

The newest Fischer will be a...BOY! And he will be here August 4th. Yes, you read that correctly. The baby that we thought was due in September/October is actually due in 8 weeks. Further proof that God has an amazing sense of humor!

Fischer, party of...5?!

Over the past year, we've been trying to discern whether or not God has planned more children for our family. With all of the ups and downs of our process with Alex, I was starting to wonder if maybe we should just be grateful that God had blessed us with CJ and stop focusing on adding more children. I had hoped we would have one more child, but realized that maybe God's plan was just different from my own. Well, we found out recently that His plan is different, but not in the way we expected.

About a month ago, I posted that our case with Alex had been closed by the state of Arizona. What I did not mention was that CJ's birthmom is pregnant and she asked us to adopt the new baby. We were a little hesitant to share with you all, just in case plans changed. A week after she asked us to adopt the baby, she confirmed her decision. Funny how God's timing works. The day that we found out our case was closed, we also found out that we may be bringing home a new baby in the fall. We do not have a set due date yet, but believe that it will be in September or October. We also do not know the gender (because I know you were wondering).

The adoption agency we are working with here in Vegas is also able to work in Arizona, which is wonderful! The experience we've had with them so far has been great and we are very excited to work with them. I just submitted our paperwork today. Once our fingerprints and references come back, our home study process will begin.

Then, two weeks ago, I received a call from Alex's birthdad. He shared that they would like us to adopt Alex in addition to the new baby. While this was not the call we were expecting, we were certainly excited (and a little overwhelmed). It was confirmed a few days later, and we are now waiting on paperwork to go through for us to pick him up.

Our ICPC (documentation that allows us to bring Alex across state lines) and our foster license are expired, so we are working on getting those current again. We'll have to have a home visit, but most of the work was done when we got licensed the first time.

I would never have guessed that God would bless us with two more children. I definitely would not have guessed that CJ would have biological siblings living in our home. Part of me is a little terrified to grow our family so fast, but I believe that God will give us the strength and resources we need to raise these little ones.

Your prayers are appreciated as we make these transitions. Alex will probably be about 18 months old when we get custody, which will be a difficult time for him. We don't really even know when to expect the new baby. We also worry about the impact all of this will have on CJ. We will regularly post updates on the progress of adopting both children.

Taking time to play

Last night, I did something that I have not done in a long time. After the girls I watch were picked up, I did nothing but play with CJ until Matt got home from work. Please don't think that I completely ignore CJ in the evening (if you've met him you would know that would be impossible). Typically, I will play with him in brief spurts, in between cleaning up and making dinner. I allow my to-do list to take charge.

I'll admit, at first I did start to clean up a few things around the house. CJ walked over and asked "Mom, do you want to play with me?" I paused for a moment and realized that there will quickly come a time when he stops asking me that question. Despite the house being a little messy and dinner needing to be made, I opted to play.

We went out into the backyard and had a water gun fight. It was awesome! We laughed, screamed, and ran around the backyard soaking wet. For 30 minutes this went on. It was not until Matt got home from work that I realized that I really needed to make dinner because he had to leave soon for bible study.

After dinner, CJ and I took Kiko on a walk and went to the library. We got back from the library and got in his space ship (aka the space between our couches) and flew to McDonalds where he ordered chicken nuggets and a hamburger. After our delicious "dinner," he used ribbons to make me look like a princess and we flew home.

I couldn't have had more fun if I tried!

CJ's behavior has been a bit of an issue lately, but last night, he was great. Over the past few months, I've spent so much time trying to find solutions to his behavior. We've tried everything...or so I thought. Instead of changing CJ, I should have been looking at how to change my own behavior. I firmly believe that kids need time to play by themselves, but I also think that they need focused 1:1 time with mom and/or dad.

I am setting a goal to not be so focused on my to-do list. I want to take advantage of the opportunities to have a water gun fight or take CJ's space ship to McDonalds. I want to ignore the clutter and just have fun!

Mother's Day

I always experience a bit of sadness on Mother's Day. Don't get me wrong, it is one of the more important holidays in my book. After having so much trouble growing our family, I wasn't shy about telling Matt how important it was to me (hint, hint). I have to give him credit; he has always done well celebrating this day for me.

What saddens is me thinking of all the women who dread this day because they are so desperate to grow their family. The women who are experiencing infertility. The women who have lost children through miscarriage (or after birth). The women who placed their children into forever families through adoption. The women who don't want to go to church because it is another reminder that they have yet to have children. The women who avoid Facebook because of all of us who boast about our children and what a blessing they are.

For these women, I pray. I ask God to give them peace and patience as they wait for God's plan to come to fruition. I beg Him to let them see joy in other aspects of their lives. I pray that they do not give up hope.

I also grow a little sad thinking of Brooke (CJ's birthmom). I wonder if this day affects her. I am curious if she has any regrets. Regardless of whether or not she is parenting her biological children, she is a mother. I spend a good portion of Mother's Day thinking of her each year. Without her, I would not have this very special title. I hope that as CJ grows up, he understands that she is a very important part of his life, even if he does not see her on a regular basis.

Let me end by saying that I am very grateful that God has blessed us with a beautiful, healthy, often crazy little boy. I thank God daily that I was chosen to be his mother. Despite the moments when I want to pull my hair out (or drink large quantities of wine), I am thankful that I can be called "mommy."

The Power of Community

Over the past few weeks, I've had two good friends deal with very difficult times. In those scary moments, I have been reminded about the power of community. Within hours of each situation, our group of friends had taken care of the basic needs - meals, childcare and lots of prayers. As I've processed what the last two weeks have brought, I've realized that community provides so much more than tangible things.

I think we often downplay the importance of relationships, especially as mothers (and fathers if any guys are reading this). So frequently, we feel that we need to prove ourselves by taking care of everything. We want to put on a strong front and make people believe that we are maintaining complete sanity at all times. The problem is that we can't do that. Literally. We are not capable of handling everything that comes up in our lives by ourselves. Even if we could, would you really want to? That is a lot of pressure!

I find myself completely guilty of trying to be some type of supermom. Unfortunately, I often turn into a super mess in those moments. Why do I feel the need to act like I've got it all together? Usually, it's pretty clear that I do not have things together. Not even a little bit.

My friends remind me that it's ok to be a mess sometimes. They have seen me wear the same thing back-to-back days. They know that when my hair is up it means I haven't washed it in two days. They have seen me lose my cool with CJ. They know that my Type A personality gets in the way more than I'd like to admit. They have seen my house in a complete disarray. Even through all of that, they love me. There is no judgment.

I consider myself blessed that I have such dear friends that I can call on at anytime for any reason. Over the past two years, these women have prayed for me, encouraged me, held me accountable, made me laugh and poured me lots of glasses of wine. :) I hope that each of you has a strong community that you can rely on at all times!

One door closes...

This may be my most generic post ever, but there are certain details that are just not mine to share. I want to be respectful of our birthmom, and so I'm not going to share as much as I usually do.

As you may know, we've been in the middle of a very bizarre situation for the past 14 months. We had offered to take temporary custody of CJ's half-brother for a short period of time (at the request of his birthmom). He was born in February 2013 and while I was there just after he was born, we did not end up bringing him home. We went through a variety of bumps, hills, and valleys along the way and ultimately never did get custody.

Last week, we were informed that the state of Arizona has closed our case. This means that we are no longer an option for taking custody of CJ's brother.

Friends and family have asked how we feel about things. I can honestly say that I feel ok with where we are right now. I spoke with CJ's birthmom a few weeks ago, and that conversation helped me to see that she is in a much better place right now. Part of me is still a little disappointed in the time, effort and money that we invested in the process, but I trust that the Lord is still working in this situation.

We are trying to figure out God's plan for us at this point. As we make decisions about our family, I'll let you know. :)

Too cliche?

An adoption Facebook group posted a question this morning to adoptive parents, and it got me thinking. The question was:

Your child asks you, "Why did you adopt me?" How do you respond?

As I read through the answers, they bothered me a little. With one exception, they were all basically the same. "You had been growing in our hearts." "We needed you in our family." "We prayed and God gave you to us." "We loved you before we knew you, and then you joined our family."

Don't get me wrong, all of those answers are true and from the heart. I just feel like they are a little too cliche. Obviously, when CJ asks me this question, my response will depend on his age. However, I feel like if a child is aware enough to ask the question, they are probably mature enough for a deeper answer. But, how much is too much? At what age do I acknowledge that we are not able to have biological children. When do I share that his birthmom simply wasn't able to care for him?

I think I have some time before CJ really starts asking questions, but it can't hurt to think about it now. As always, my best bet is simply to take it to God. I am already praying that we handle it appropriately when the time comes. I ask God regularly to give us the words and wisdom to help CJ understand his adoption and work through any issues that may arise.

Maybe those answers are too cliche, but maybe there is such a thing as too much information...I just hope I find the right balance when the time comes.

Frustrating Mommy Moments

Lately, CJ's behavior has had a lot of ups and downs. People were not kidding when they warned us that the Terrible 2s are actually the Terrible 3s. My sweet little boy has turned into a lunatic! Despite the fact that Matt and I have tried be consistent in dealing with things, nothing has helped. My frustration level has been at an all-time high. I have spent more time googling things like "how to stop by 3-year old from hitting" than I'd like to admit.

I understand that he is only 3 years old, and he is a boy. His energy level is indescribable. Literally, I sat here for at least 5 minutes trying to think of way to describe it, and I came up empty. If he would focus that energy into positive things, it would be one thing. Reality is that he started becoming aggressive and slightly nasty at times. I know that some of his behavior is age-appropriate. My fear is that if we don't nip this now, it will grow into something worse.

I started talking to friends, researching online and reading parenting books. In a moment of clarity (a RARE moment in my life), I finally spent some time thinking about what I could be doing differently. I realized a few things:

1. I need to pray about this daily, asking God to focus CJ's energy and control my frustration/anger. I cannot rely on my own devices because clearly they were not working. When I start my day with prayer, I feel like I'm automatically starting off on a positive note with CJ.

2. He absolutely needs time each day to run around or ride his bike. When he doesn't have enough exercise, there is a definite change in his behavior and mood. I've made more of an effort to get him outside and I've noticed a change.

3. When I really looked at things, I recognized that my reaction to his behavior has been due to my fear of judgment from other parents. I was afraid people would think less of me as a mother because my son can be a terror sometimes. I think being a stay-at-home mom makes me more sensitive to this because I feel a greater level of responsibility. If I'm with him the majority of the time, naturally it would be my fault if he acts a little nuts sometimes...right? No, but that is how it feels sometimes!

And finally...

4. I cannot control his behavior all the time, but I can always control how I react to his behavior. I used to get so riled up when he would act out. Ok, I'll be honest, I exploded at times. I mean, seriously, how many times should I have to ask him not to rub peanut butter in his hair?! I started to keep my reactions in check, and sure enough, he started changing too. When I stay calm through my frustration, he follows my lead.

The past three days have been great with him! In addition to those four things, I started using a "Good Choices Chart" to reward him for good behavior. It's nothing more than a basic chart with a picture of Mickey Mouse that he gets to put a sticker on, but he loves it. I am also planning to starting using a few essential oils on him to balance him out a bit. Those efforts, combined with a calmer approach to parenting, will hopefully get us successfully through the Terrible 3s. :)