Confessions of an Adoptive Parent

One of the amazing things I get to do occasionally is help launch books. I have no idea how I got into this, but I am so grateful that I did. I have read some amazing work over the past few years, and even met an incredible author. Not too long ago, I noticed a post on Facebook looking for people to help launch a book by Mike Berry, who writes the blog Confessions of an Adoptive Parent. The book, with the same title, is coming out in February and a launch team was being put together. I jumped on that. I loved reading in general, but something related to adoption?! I mean, come on!

I could not have anticipated the affect this book was going to have on me.

The day it arrived in the mail, I decided to read the first chapter or two, just to get started. Can I just tell you that by 10pm, I had finished the book. I could not put it down. I didn't want to. For the first time, I found a book (or maybe I should say the book found me) that perfectly described the thoughts and feelings that I experienced as we went through our adoption processes, specifically with Alex. These were things I had only shared with Matt because they felt too terrible to share with anyone else. I down-played everything when we were going through it all. I let people know that things were hard, but I made it sounds like a scratch when I was really dealing with a gaping wound.

I can't say for sure why I didn't share everything. I have a tendency to need to "have it all together." I didn't want to complain when we went out of our way to bring the two younger boys home. I literally chose to have this level of chaos in my life. Honestly, at the time, I couldn't see how bad it really was.

Looking back, I wish I had been more honest. I wish I been totally transparent with people. Sure, I shared my struggles with friends, but I don't know that I fully opened up with everything to anyone other than Matt. It was embarrassing and shameful in my mind.

In the book, he talks about the power in seeing someone else raise their hand and say "I've been there too." So, I am going to share some of my more personal thoughts and feelings. Maybe it will help me relieve some of the shame. Maybe it will make someone else feel normal. Regardless, I have always prided myself on sharing everything, and now I am going to.

I regretted the decision to bring home both boys. Or at least, I thought I regretted it. Lack of sleep and jumping into a level of parenting that I was not prepared for probably exaggerated my feelings. Either way, I went to bed more than once telling Matt that we did not make the right decision. I hated that I couldn't handle my middle son. I was resentful of the chaos that became our family norm. I couldn't stand the looks and judgment I would get from strangers who assumed that I was just raising a spoiled child. I was sad that the family I dreamed up was not the family God gave me. I feared that I would not be able to handle this life for much longer.

And then came the shame. Good mothers are not supposed to regret adding a child to their family. Good mothers don't resent their children. Good mothers figure it out. How could I feel this way when I worked so hard to bring these boys home?

Here's the problem with comparing myself to other mothers...most mothers, at least the mothers I know, are not dealing with brain damage due to drug and alcohol exposure. Their children were not going to have the same struggles that mine had. I was comparing apples and hamburgers. Of course I wasn't prepared for what was coming. There was no way to anticipate how easy or hard it was going to be.

I realize now that it wasn't really regret that I was experiencing; it was fear. At the time, I was certain I had made the wrong decision. I was afraid of failing. I was terrified that I had jumped into something that I could not handle. In those desperate and challenging moments, I didn't think life would ever be fun. Today, I watched my boys play Legos for two hours together. They giggled, shared, and created fantastically creative Star Wars battle ships.

Don't get me wrong. We have hard days. I still struggle to parent Alex. I have no idea what to do most of the time. The difference? The amount of hope in my heart is greater than the amount of fear.

If you are a foster or adoptive parent, I would highly recommend this book, especially if you are parenting a child with special needs. I found it to be very validating and encouraging. If you are considering foster care or adoption, I would also recommend this book because he provides some great insights and suggestions as you begin. Please don't let the severity of his circumstances scare you though. I just wish I had a more realistic idea of what could happen, as opposed to the candy-coated world I was creating in my head. Finally, I think this book would be a great read for anyone supporting a family through the adoption process. It isn't always easy to explain what adoption is like, especially to someone who hasn't been down that path. I think this can give you a solid idea of some of the feelings.