If you have followed our story, you know that we have maintained an open adoption over the past 6 1/2 years. I never would have guessed that I would appreciate having such an open relationship, but I love it. It gives my boys a connection to their biological family, and that is important to me. I want them to be able to find answers when they start asking questions.
You may or may not know that they have had two sisters born since Jake. Both were placed for adoption. While I was so happy that they are being parented by loving families, I was a little sad that the boys have family that they may never meet.
One day, I was texting with our birth mom, and she shared that the girls' adoptive families would be open to communication with us. She sent me one of their cell phone numbers (with the promise of sending the other number soon). I expected to be super excited, and I was, but I was more scared than anything else. What if I reached out and she chose not to respond?
I held onto that number for months.
One day, I read a devotion about being brave. I am not always able to directly apply devotions to my life, but this one was different. I knew almost immediately what I needed to do.
I typed out that text about 14 times. I second guessed the words I had chosen. I read and re-read it so many times that I questioned whether or not I was spelling words correctly. Finally, I knew I just had to hit send and be done with it. If she chose not to text back, so be it. To my surprise, she responded almost immediately and was open to communicating with us. Hallelujah!
Now, we haven't texted since then, but it still feels awesome to know that we have a connection to one of their sisters.
Two weeks ago, we made a trip to visit our birth mom. When I texted to see if she was free, she said that the other adoptive family might join us too! I hadn't been in touch with them before, so I had no idea if they were interested in getting to know us. How amazing that our boys might have a chance to meet their half-sister face to face!! They agreed and we set the times and place.
As the reality of the meeting set in, I became nervous. I don't actually know why. I wasn't trying to impress the other family (well, maybe I was). I didn't need them to approve of us (although I wanted them to). It was a very bizarre feeling. I think it was basically me feeling overwhelmed by how huge this was for our family.
When we got to our meeting, only our birthmom was there. We had actually feared that the adoptive family had changed their minds. Thankfully, they were just delayed because of some car issues. As they walked up, the fear disappeared.
For the next 90 minutes, we got to know each other and shared our adoption stories. It was such a unique experience to have two adoptive moms and a birth mom hanging out. While I had been so nervous, it felt so natural!
We did introduce the boys to their half-sister, and told them who she was. They didn't seem overly interested, but then again, we were at a park and they just wanted to play. I am sure questions will pop up down the road, and we'll answer them as they come.
For now, I am just thankful that our family is extending out even farther than I could have imagined.
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Living by the minute.
I will be the first to admit that I am parenting 3 challenging boys. I don't pretend like we have it all together. I try not to make excuses for their bad choices. I fully acknowledge that we are a circus most days of the week. There isn't a whole lot I can do about it, aside from laugh...or cry.
When you have a child with severe emotional extremes, you learn to live by the minute because that is how quickly things seem to change.
This morning, as we dropped off CJ, Alex had what can only be described as a volcanic eruption of emotions. I was actually concerned that someone was going to call the police, assuming that I was kidnapping this poor little boy. A mom behind me actually took our her phone and held it up in a way that had me wondering if she was taking a picture or video. Paranoid? Maybe. I am sure it was just coincidental timing. Maybe.
We had a five minute walk back to the car. Let me correct myself...it should have taken 5 minutes. Fourteen minutes later, we pulled up to our van. In those 14 minutes, I walked past 7 or 8 moms who were most likely thinking "gosh, I am glad that isn't my kid." They each gave me a sympathetic half smile; some muttered "hang in there."
It then took an additional 4 minutes to simply get him from the stroller to the van. For being so small, he sure is strong when he wants to be. Last night he "couldn't" open the back door because it was "too heavy." Today, he held onto that stroller with a grip that most could only muster to prevent themselves from falling over the edge of the Grand Canyon.
Once everyone was buckled into their car seats, the stroller was put away, and I was blasting the AC to counteract the incredible amount of sweat I had worked up, we began the 12 minute drive home. 11 minutes of which involved screaming, kicking and being told "you are terrible, mom."
We were almost to our house, when Alex noticed a dog being walked. Just as quickly as the tantrum arrived, it left as he said "oh, I like that little dog." The light switched had been flicked in the other direction. I had survived.
Living by the minute really is all I can do some days. Trust me when I say some of those minutes take hours to live through. Mostly, they fly by. I go minute by minute because that is how Alex does it. Most of the time, there is no future or past with him. He lives in the present. Actions and reactions are immediate. I cannot tell him "when we get home you have a time out" because by that time he will have almost no recollection of why he is in trouble. It can be hard to do this, but it's harder to try to force my preferred parenting style on him. He needs something very different, and it is my job to figure it out and help him through.
One day, we'll look back and laugh at the craziness. Until then, I hope people around us will be understanding and patient as we navigate life minute by minute.
When you have a child with severe emotional extremes, you learn to live by the minute because that is how quickly things seem to change.
This morning, as we dropped off CJ, Alex had what can only be described as a volcanic eruption of emotions. I was actually concerned that someone was going to call the police, assuming that I was kidnapping this poor little boy. A mom behind me actually took our her phone and held it up in a way that had me wondering if she was taking a picture or video. Paranoid? Maybe. I am sure it was just coincidental timing. Maybe.
We had a five minute walk back to the car. Let me correct myself...it should have taken 5 minutes. Fourteen minutes later, we pulled up to our van. In those 14 minutes, I walked past 7 or 8 moms who were most likely thinking "gosh, I am glad that isn't my kid." They each gave me a sympathetic half smile; some muttered "hang in there."
It then took an additional 4 minutes to simply get him from the stroller to the van. For being so small, he sure is strong when he wants to be. Last night he "couldn't" open the back door because it was "too heavy." Today, he held onto that stroller with a grip that most could only muster to prevent themselves from falling over the edge of the Grand Canyon.
Once everyone was buckled into their car seats, the stroller was put away, and I was blasting the AC to counteract the incredible amount of sweat I had worked up, we began the 12 minute drive home. 11 minutes of which involved screaming, kicking and being told "you are terrible, mom."
We were almost to our house, when Alex noticed a dog being walked. Just as quickly as the tantrum arrived, it left as he said "oh, I like that little dog." The light switched had been flicked in the other direction. I had survived.
Living by the minute really is all I can do some days. Trust me when I say some of those minutes take hours to live through. Mostly, they fly by. I go minute by minute because that is how Alex does it. Most of the time, there is no future or past with him. He lives in the present. Actions and reactions are immediate. I cannot tell him "when we get home you have a time out" because by that time he will have almost no recollection of why he is in trouble. It can be hard to do this, but it's harder to try to force my preferred parenting style on him. He needs something very different, and it is my job to figure it out and help him through.
One day, we'll look back and laugh at the craziness. Until then, I hope people around us will be understanding and patient as we navigate life minute by minute.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
It's been awhile...
It has been well over a year since I last posted here. What can I say, life is a little nuts with 3 boys!
Over the past few months, life has been challenging. We have had a lot change in a short period, and I felt the need to write about it. I assume very few people read this, so it seems like a safe place to let it all out.
We've known that there would be potential challenges and/or issues for our boys (specifically CJ & Alex) due to their exposure to drugs and alcohol before they were born. We had mentally prepared ourselves for Alex more than CJ because we knew his exposure was greater. I think that is what makes a recent diagnosis for CJ so hard to accept. We weren't prepared for it. He's always seemed to have a little more energy and a little less focus than the average kid, but I didn't anticipate it creating real problems for him.
After a difficult kindergarten year, we decided to have him evaluated, assuming that it was ADHD due to his behaviors. Honestly, I had almost forgotten that he was exposed in utero. When the diagnosis came back, it was directly tied to the substance exposure. I was a little devastated. Ok, a lot devastated. ADHD seemed so much easier to handle. Drug and alcohol exposure causes brain damage. That did not seem easy to handle. The evaluating psychologist gave us a list of things that would help him - occupational therapy, behavioral therapy, meds, play therapy. The list felt super long.
I'll pause here to share that all of this was presented to us 2 weeks before school was to begin. Seriously, for a Type-A, planner like me, this was insanity. I already had it in my head how life was going to look, and now I had to completely change that. Yes, I'm being dramatic, but this is my brain. I can't help it.
We made the decision to retain him in kindergarten to take some of the academic pressure off and give him a little more time to mature. We even attended a meet-up for other kindergarten parents. Just a few days later, we met with the staff at his school to talk about a plan. We realized that the help he needed was not available there, and made the decision to withdraw him and enroll him in a public school for the upcoming year. This would give him the opportunity to get a little extra support and get him back on track.
All the planning in the world did not prepare for the emotions I felt Monday morning.
As I dropped CJ off for his first day of school, I realized that I was struggling with his move to public school more than he was. I took a lot for granted last year. I missed the security of knowing that Matt was on the same campus with him. I was sad that he would no longer have religion and faith built into all of his classes. It had been a safe place. I felt like he was protected. In reality, he is still safe and protected. Yes, he may be exposed to things that he wouldn't have before, but is that so bad? We may have to have certain conversations before I feel ready, but that is ok. I may also be taking a "worst case scenario" mindset.
There are lots of great things that will come this year. He has a male teacher, which I think is amazing! He is excited about not having uniforms (I am not. Uniforms are soooo much easier!). As he told me this morning "every day is free dress day!" He couldn't wait to run around on the grass field, something they didn't have at his last school. I'm not going to lie, the extra funds in the bank account each month helps a little too.
Can I also admit that I am struggling with feelings of failure? My head knows that there is nothing that I could have done to prevent this, but my heart still aches for the challenges that will be coming his way. I am also trying to hold my head up while knowing that people have been talking about us. Guessing the reasons why we withdrew CJ. Making assumptions about him and our family. It hurts. You know what, I can't let that bother me. I'm too freakin' busy to worry about their discussion. I got my own crap to deal with.
Sometimes, we have to admit when our plan is not the best plan for our children. And that is hard. Like, really hard. While I would love to think that private education is the best path for everyone; it's not. He is going to get the resources and support he desperately needs right now. I can't ask for much more than that!
Over the past few months, life has been challenging. We have had a lot change in a short period, and I felt the need to write about it. I assume very few people read this, so it seems like a safe place to let it all out.
We've known that there would be potential challenges and/or issues for our boys (specifically CJ & Alex) due to their exposure to drugs and alcohol before they were born. We had mentally prepared ourselves for Alex more than CJ because we knew his exposure was greater. I think that is what makes a recent diagnosis for CJ so hard to accept. We weren't prepared for it. He's always seemed to have a little more energy and a little less focus than the average kid, but I didn't anticipate it creating real problems for him.
After a difficult kindergarten year, we decided to have him evaluated, assuming that it was ADHD due to his behaviors. Honestly, I had almost forgotten that he was exposed in utero. When the diagnosis came back, it was directly tied to the substance exposure. I was a little devastated. Ok, a lot devastated. ADHD seemed so much easier to handle. Drug and alcohol exposure causes brain damage. That did not seem easy to handle. The evaluating psychologist gave us a list of things that would help him - occupational therapy, behavioral therapy, meds, play therapy. The list felt super long.
I'll pause here to share that all of this was presented to us 2 weeks before school was to begin. Seriously, for a Type-A, planner like me, this was insanity. I already had it in my head how life was going to look, and now I had to completely change that. Yes, I'm being dramatic, but this is my brain. I can't help it.
We made the decision to retain him in kindergarten to take some of the academic pressure off and give him a little more time to mature. We even attended a meet-up for other kindergarten parents. Just a few days later, we met with the staff at his school to talk about a plan. We realized that the help he needed was not available there, and made the decision to withdraw him and enroll him in a public school for the upcoming year. This would give him the opportunity to get a little extra support and get him back on track.
All the planning in the world did not prepare for the emotions I felt Monday morning.
As I dropped CJ off for his first day of school, I realized that I was struggling with his move to public school more than he was. I took a lot for granted last year. I missed the security of knowing that Matt was on the same campus with him. I was sad that he would no longer have religion and faith built into all of his classes. It had been a safe place. I felt like he was protected. In reality, he is still safe and protected. Yes, he may be exposed to things that he wouldn't have before, but is that so bad? We may have to have certain conversations before I feel ready, but that is ok. I may also be taking a "worst case scenario" mindset.
There are lots of great things that will come this year. He has a male teacher, which I think is amazing! He is excited about not having uniforms (I am not. Uniforms are soooo much easier!). As he told me this morning "every day is free dress day!" He couldn't wait to run around on the grass field, something they didn't have at his last school. I'm not going to lie, the extra funds in the bank account each month helps a little too.
Can I also admit that I am struggling with feelings of failure? My head knows that there is nothing that I could have done to prevent this, but my heart still aches for the challenges that will be coming his way. I am also trying to hold my head up while knowing that people have been talking about us. Guessing the reasons why we withdrew CJ. Making assumptions about him and our family. It hurts. You know what, I can't let that bother me. I'm too freakin' busy to worry about their discussion. I got my own crap to deal with.
Sometimes, we have to admit when our plan is not the best plan for our children. And that is hard. Like, really hard. While I would love to think that private education is the best path for everyone; it's not. He is going to get the resources and support he desperately needs right now. I can't ask for much more than that!
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