Un-adopting?

I learned a new phrase a few weeks ago...un-adopting.

This is the practice of "re-homing" an adopted child due to extreme emotional or behavioral issues. Often, the child joined the family as a toddler or older, and in many cases it was an international adoption.

Apparently, this is common enough that there are agencies devoted to second adoptions.

I don't even know what to say or think about this. I don't want to judge the decisions made by the adoptive families because I have no idea what they were experiencing. We've experienced transitional issues, but they certainly did not include physical violence that would require medical treatment, as was shared in the articles. I find it terribly sad that a family felt that they had no other option other than to remove the child from their family. These stories make me wonder what (if anything) could have been done to prevent things from going this far.

Adoption finalizations are definitely a moment of joy for a family, but they can be a little scary. For the past 6 months to a year, families have had regular visits from their social worker and access to support whenever needed. Once you go to court, everything stops. So what happens when you have difficulties after you finalize? Some agencies are willing to provide support, but not all. Why are there not more resources for families after finalization?

Like I said, I'm trying not to be judgmental. However, when we decided to adopt, we viewed it as a permanent decision. We knew that our future child could have any number of issues. We were committed to providing this child with whatever support or resources that they may need. It is no different than if we had given birth to a child. I'm guessing that most parents would not place their biological child for adoption if behavior became a problem. Why is it any different for an adoptive parent.

I think I am bothered because this is making adoptive parents look bad. People who are against adoption (yes, these people are out there) are using as fuel for their fight. They are making blanket statements about the intentions and commitment level of adoptive parents. While I could care less about what others think, it saddens me that adoption is getting a bad rap.

Instead of jumping on these parents, we should start finding resources and support for families with child who are exhibiting serious emotional or behavioral problems. There has to be a more positive solution. I just pray that as people consider adoption, especially of older children, they identify possible resources to use in the event that problems occur. Let's be proactive, instead of reactive.

The roller coaster

Lately I've been thinking about how prepared I was to bring two children into our family. The answer...not very. After a rough week with one of the kids, I realized that I underestimated the challenges that we would face. I had done enough research to know what could happen, but I had not considered the possibility that it would happen more than once.

I'll explain.

When we picked up the boys this summer, we knew that there would be a lot of potential adjustment issues for our entire family. In my mind, we would fight through the difficult times and, after a period of time, we would be a cohesive family unit. What I was not expecting was the roller coaster. The ups and downs. Finally feeling like we'd made it through the worst, only to see one or more of the kids regress.

Talk about feeling defeated. I questioned what we had been doing. I grasped at straws to figure out a new approach.

What finally worked was to completely change how I handled each child. I started reading a great book (Raising Your Spirited Child) and took some of their suggestions to heart. I paid very close attention to the triggers for each child and worked to prevent outbursts before they started. It doesn't always work, but things have gotten much better. The other solution...time. As more time goes by, we will better understand each child and their needs.

I do wish that we had known that we'd live on a roller coaster for awhile. When social workers talked to us about the transition period, it would have been helpful to know that we would have periods of peace in between the extreme chaos. It wasn't until a few weeks ago, when I talked with another adoptive couple, that my experience was validated and I learned that it would not be a hill to climb so much as a mountain range to get past.

You know what though, it will get better. It already has. One day, we'll look back and realize that this is simply a blip in our family story.

Small Victories

The past few weeks, I've been feeling very down about how things are going around our house. With all of the craziness of the holidays, life has been a little crazy at our house. Both of the older boys have a hard time dealing with excess stimulation, so between Christmas and New Years, they been struggling.

It's so easy to focus on the challenges. The fighting between the boys. The yelling when someone doesn't get his way. The disrespect. I have found myself feeling slightly depressed because I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm not an effective mother because I have no idea what will work with each of the boys. Just when I think I've found a solution, they stop responding to it. I have to keep reminding myself that this whole process takes time. It's only been about 5 months, which means we still have a lot of time before things even out.

When things get bad, I am so thankful when God blesses us with good days.

The past two days have been amazing. They older boys have been playing really well together. They ask to go play in their rooms together. They haven't been fighting as much. They are looking out for one another. Praise Jesus! I pray every day that they will play well together. It brings my heart so much joy to watch them running around the house screaming with joy. I don't actually like the screaming, but when it's happy shouts we let it go.

I know that we will continue to move forward in bonding as a family. We will have bad days, but I hope that we can move past them quickly and focus on all of the joy that God has given us.

Goals for 2015

We're two days into the new year, and I'm already stressed out. How is that possible? Oh yeah, I've got three kids (two of whom has been over-the-top moody the past few days). After spending a little time thinking about my interactions with the kids lately, I decided I needed to set some goals for myself.

In no particular order...

1. To not let my anger/frustration boil over in the heat of the moment - my kids know exactly how to push my buttons! The problem is, I've given them that ability. Lately, I have let them get to me even more than normal. It isn't healthy for any of us to have me angry, yelling or upset. I know they will continue to do things that drive me nuts, but I am going to choose to stop and say a quick prayer before I react.

2. To forgive myself for mistakes that I make, and not dwell on them - there are things I do everyday that I feel bad about. I get upset with my husband, kids and dog. I make selfish choices. I let people down (unintentionally). From here on out, I am going to pray about it and then let it go. I will not let my mistakes define who I am as a wife, mother or friend.

3. To spend quality time with each child - with three kids, it is almost impossible to really put in the time that I would like with each of them individually. It may not be everyday, but I am determined to give all three boys time with me on a regular basis. I want their memories to consist of me taking time to just be with them, as opposed to getting things done for them.

4. To give Matt his rightful place as head of our household - I am strong-willed...to put it mildly. Sometimes (ok, a lot more than I'd like to admit) I do not show Matt the respect he deserves. My hope it to put his needs ahead of my own, knowing that he is trying to do the same.

5. To spend time daily with the Lord - I receive one or two devotions through e-mail each day, but I don't always get to read them. Often, the kids get up as soon as I'm out of the shower in the morning, and by naptime I have a long list of things that need to get done before they wake up. The problem is, I feel a difference when I am not reading the bible and/or praying on a regular basis. In order to accomplish my other goals, I have to get this one going first. The only way that I am going to be able to be a good wife and mother is to rely on the Lord and look to Him for knowledge and support.

So, 2015, I will work on this. When I fail, which I will, I will go to bed realizing that I can start fresh the very next day. I don't plan to be a perfect wife or mother. I don't expect a complete change by the end of January. I do expect to give it my best and celebrate the successes.