Post-placement visits

We had our second post-placement visit today. These aren't usually something I worry about. We really like Sharon, our counselor, so the conversation usually flows pretty well. The visits are really just intended to see how things are going at home, and to find out how we're adjusting to our new life. Questions come up about his eating, sleeping, behavior patterns and our relationship. The visits are every 90 days until the adoption is finalized. God willing, today was our last visit.

It's not that I mind answering questions about life with CJ; at least I know the answers. Today, I felt a little judged. I have been going back and forth with feeling good about going back to work full time. I love my job, and I don't know that I would be good at staying home full time. On the other hand, I have to watch other people raise my son. Thank goodness that Matt is able to be with him during all school breaks or I would probably go crazy.

I should preface this by sharing that CJ goes to three different people during the week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday he goes to an in-home daycare with Denise. Tuesdays he's with Amanda and Thursdays he's with Ashley.

The question came up about daycare during our visit today, and I answered with a certain level of confidence. After all, we like the women who are helping us, and are very comfortable with having CJ stay with them during the day. Sharon shared that they suggest trying to limit how many people are with adopted children so that attachment issues don't arise. Inside, I got really defensive. Outside, I just smiled. That was a dagger through the heart. As if I don't feel bad enough about having him in daycare. I understand the attachment issues that may come up, but I'm pretty sure he knows that Matt and I are different from everyone else.

I know that a lack of confidence is present in a lot of first-time moms, but I think adoption throws another level of craziness into the mix. Not only am I trying to figure out parenting, but I also have to explain myself to someone every 90 days. I also feel a higher level of responsibility because he isn't technically my son yet. I feel as though I have to keep proving myself in order for this to be finalized.

Please don't think Sharon is some horrible person who is looking for problems within our family. She is wonderful and truly cares about CJ's well-being, as well as our sanity. Mother Teresa could ask me the same questions and I would feel equally judged by her.