The Big Debate

When we started the adoption process, we had already decided that we wanted two children. Despite the intense process and extreme cost, we felt that our life plan was going to include two little ones. I should stop there and ask myself why we continue to believe that we have any control in planning our lives. Have I not learned? Anyway, we still felt that we were in the driver's seat, so we continued planning.

When we moved to Nevada at the end of June, we immediately started talking about finding an agency. We had renewed our certification in Arizona just a few months earlier, but it is not valid in Nevada. We knew that we would have to begin again and we didn't want to waste any time. I contacted several agencies and the county to learn more about their respective processes and to find out dates of upcoming information sessions. Twice, I contacted the county to find out upcoming dates. For whatever reason, we continued to put it off. There was always a reason not to attend one of the sessions.

Several times, people asked us if/when we were going to start the process again. Each time, I told them that we wanted to and I wasn't sure why we hadn't moved forward yet. I answered that question so many times, and I never stopped to really look at why we were putting it off so much. After all, we were excited by the thought of a sibling for CJ. I loved the baby stage, and couldn't wait to have an infant again.

Finally, one day it hit me. Maybe my hesitation was God's way of saying "slow down." I wish I could describe the feeling that I was experiencing. I desperately wanted to adopt another baby, but at the same time I just didn't feel right about it. It seems impossible to have both of those feelings at the same time. They are completely in conflict with each other, and yet there I was. I confided in a friend that I wasn't 100% sure if our path was to include another adoption. Saying it out loud felt so good! A few days later, I was in a small group bible study, and I confessed the same feelings to them. It felt as though the more I said it out loud, the more I was accepting it.

At dinner one night, Matt asked me how I was feeling about another adoption. I admitted that I was unsure, and he shared that he had the same feeling. I was so relieved that we were on the same page. In the past, when CJ was having a fit or acting completely nuts, we joked that maybe we were good with one. I don't think either of us were serious in those moments though.

I continue to pray for wisdom from God to see His will for our family. As much as I thought I wanted to adopt again, I feel a sense of peace about being a family of three. Our feelings could just be God's way of putting us on hold for a little while. Who knows, we may be blessed with a child in the future (biological or adopted). I just plan to enjoy our life as it stands right now. I have the joy of staying home with CJ, and I'm going to make the most of it without worrying about what the future holds.