For those of you who have talked with me about the adoption process, I think you would say that I have been fairly positive about everything. While I have been able to keep my eyes on the path that I believe God has set before us, not every day is sunshine and roses. The last thing I want is to give people the impression that that whole process has been emotionally easy for me. Given that I had a mini-meltdown this past week, I thought I would use this posting as a time to share the not-so-pretty side of this process.
Please realize that for many of you, this may seem to come out of left field. I don't want you to think that I have been lying about my feelings, or hiding things from you. The adoption process is such an emotional roller coaster, and many of you have talked to me when I've been at my high points. Honestly, I have more positive days than negative, but when the negative ones hit...look out. This posting is a little more emotionally raw than previous ones; it's also a little longer.
One thing I have been struggling with lately is hope. This is a bit silly, given the fact that we have only been in the match book at our agency for one month. Be that as it may, it is still a current struggle for me. While I would love a baby, I have started to doubt whether this is in God's plan for us. I cannot explain why; maybe my stress at work is magnifying my feelings, maybe I'm just really impatient, or maybe my emotions are catching up with me. Whatever the reason, I hate that my attitude goes to such a negative place. I feel defeated because I have let my emotions get the best of me. I feel guilty because is seems as though my faith is being tested. I feel helpless because I truly do not know what else to do at this point...other than to continue falling to my knees in prayer.
I have continued to question how I will know God's plan for my life. I constantly pray for the ability to simply give it all up to Him. I think I have done that, but worry that I am still trying to maintain control. Control...the one thing that I do not have in life, yet the one thing that I am always grasping for. Maybe it is better that I am getting a hardcore lesson in this now because I'm pretty sure that we will lose a great deal of control once little ones join our family. Despite knowing the ultimate benefit in these life lessons, it does not make it any easier to navigate them.
My small group bible study is currently reading through the book of James, and the timing could not have been more perfect. James 1:2-4 reads "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Wow, talk about feeling as though God is speaking directly to you. My goal is to find the joy in these moments, knowing that I am maturing each step of the way. During our study last night, someone said that we need to take the first step after asking God for help. Maybe that is my problem; I've been waiting for an answer instead of making an effort to search for it.
In addition to the small group, God has also blessed me with certain people that He has placed in my life. I have several women who have played a key role in my sanity through this process. Some of them are aware of my appreciation, and others do not even realize (yet) that they have made an impact. I am also blessed with a husband who knows when to listen and what to say in response.
In general, I am very excited about the adoption process. While it was not the path I had in mind originally, I have come to embrace it with both arms. There are so many days that I look forward to - the day when we get the phone call from our agency, the day we meet our birth mother, the day we take our little one home from the hospital, etc. I also look forward to sharing those moments with each of you!
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Thanks for sharing this. If it helps, I cannot imagine that it wouldn't be in God's plan for the two of you to be parents. You will be absolutely amazing parents, and I can't imagine Him not using that. You're in my prayers. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your honesty. I know its hard for people like us to admit things like that. And I must say I thought you had been way more positive than I ever was waiting for our adoption. I know our paths have been different but I TOTALLY get all you are talking about. Even with my two (now) healthy boys I still fall into the same old thinking traps. Just know I think of you guys often. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI finally learned how to navigate a blog! I think, anyway. :o)
ReplyDeleteKatie, I know I've told you this countless times, but I'll say it again; you're growing in so many ways through this journey, and the lives of those women who you say have helped your sanity have also gained strength in having you to talk with.
It's so easy to allow our thoughts to confuse us, but we have to remember that our fears are NOT the same as God's word or direction in our lives. Being real about our struggles is good, and I'm glad you're at the point where you can. :o)
Parenthood will find its way into your family, and I will be praying and praising Him the whole way through.
"Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!" Psalm 27:14--- Not always easy (okay, often not easy, but He is strengthening us through the wait!).
I would imagine that the process of adoption is like going through labor in the sense that it takes a lot out of you, it's highly emotional (lots of ups and downs) and can be painful as heck. But I would also imagine that at the end of it, there is overwhelming joy and you forget how difficult the whole process was.
ReplyDeleteI have my good days and bad days. Some times I feel so overwhelmed by my desire to have a child that I cry at any mention of a baby, pregnancy, child rearing, maternity clothes and even the sight of the empty child seat in my grocery cart. But it is so comforting when some one tells me they understand how I feel because they have or are going through the same thing. Reading your blog and journeying with you and Matt through this time in your lives has given me so much encouragement. Thank God for those people in your life who have come along side you to be your encouragement and support.
We may not know what God has for us in our future. All we know is that His plans are to "prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I take comfrot in that.