Why Can't I Just Be Angry?

I've tried to put my thoughts into words for the past few days. Each time I have started writing, something just hasn't felt right. If you are friends with me on Facebook, you'll know that we have encountered another roadblock in the process of taking care of Alex. On Monday, we received word that we had been approved to be foster parents. Only an hour later, we heard that a request was filed to keep Alex in the state of Arizona.

Within the first 24 hours, I went through a range of emotions. Now that I've had a few days to process everything, my biggest frustration comes from the sense of peace I feel. I realize how that sounds, but hear me out.

I desperately want to be angry, bitter, and resentful. I would love nothing more than to throw myself a giant pity party. The trouble is, every time I start to feel any of those emotions, I feel a sense of calm come over me. Obviously, this is something that only comes from the Lord. It's as though God is telling me that I don't need to experience negative feelings because He is taking care of things.

I reminded myself that five months ago, I experienced the same range of emotions. I had driven down to Tucson with the intent of bringing home a baby to care for. I did not plan to drive home with an empty car seat. I had no intention of being told that I'd have to go through the process of becoming a licensed foster parent. However, I can now look back and see why that all happened. If all of that crap had a good reason for happening, then surely this will be no different.

Don't get me wrong, I still have moments of frustration/anger/sadness. I'll see something that reminds me of the troubles we have experienced (like the horrible fire extinguishers we had to hang on our walls). Someone will ask how the process is going. CJ will mention "baby Alex." In those moments, I just stop and say a quick prayer. It may not always be immediate, but I always end up feeling calm. I pray that I can remain faithful in prayer when those tough moments come.

I will continue to be hopeful that there will come a day that we can bring Alex home. Our file will still be submitted to the courts, although we doubt a judge will have us care for him at this time. There may be an opportunity in the future as well. I suppose that we'll just wait and see what happens.