Adoption Reality Check

I think a lot of people have some misconceptions of how the adoption process goes. Not necessarily the actual process, but it's impact on the adoptive family (I am not ignoring the experience of the birthmother; I can only speak to my own experience). Over the past few weeks, I've spoken with several friends who are in various stages of the adoption process. I've also seen a few comments in online blogs that made me think. Two of my friends have experienced some pretty big challenges throughout their processes. As I've talked with them about it, I realized that most people have no idea some of the feelings and emotions that adoptive families experience. There are three specific times that come to mind. If you've followed my blog for awhile, then you may have already read some of this.

First, is when we met and got to know Brooke. Most people know that it is a nerve-wracking experience. What you may not realize is that it is exhausting. Throughout the entire first meeting, you are worried about every word that comes out of your mouth. You question everything. After all, you are trying to show someone how great you'll be as a parent without actually saying it. You are certain that one wrong statement will jeopardize your chances. You leave each meeting feeling mentally and emotionally spent. No matter how much you get to know her, you still fear that you'll unintentionally offend her or make her question you ability to care for her child. We may tell you, "we just met a birthmother," but please understand that it goes much deeper than that.

The second is when we were matched with our birthmother. I think most would assume that the pressure is gone because you are already matched. There are no guarantees, and decisions can be changed. Not only did we still feel the need to impress Brooke, but we also had to figure out how to be "expecting parents." No matter how much I wanted to go through the traditional preparations, I was afraid I would jinx myself. The internal conflict was much bigger than I would have guessed. Ultimately, we prepared the nursery about 3 weeks before CJ was born (which was actually very cathartic for me). Several friends offered to host a baby shower for us. While I was excited to experience that rite of passage, I thought we would be judged since nothing was guaranteed. My friends were very convincing, and did host a baby shower for us. Not every adoptive mom is comfortable with preparing in advance (aside from what you absolutely have to have). I know women who bought only essential items and then created a nursery and shopped for baby items once they brought the baby home. If you know a woman who is matched and waiting, please just tell them that they should do whatever they are comfortable with to prepare for the baby's arrival. Don't assume you understand the emotions that we, as adoptive moms, experience. Just allow us to prepare for our child in whatever way makes sense to us.

The third was when CJ was born. Initially, it was very bittersweet. I wanted to be excited because our child had just arrived, but I tried to minimize my feelings because I knew it was one of the hardest days of Brooke's life. It was very hard to hide some of the emotions that I so desperately wanted to let out. Once I figured out how to feel, I realized that I had to wait just a little longer to know for sure that we would be bringing that baby home. We felt very confident that Brooke was going to follow through with her adoption plan, but as I stated before, there are no guarantees. In Arizona, Brooke was not able to sign the Consent to Adoption until 72 hours after CJ was born. It was easily the longest 72 hours of my life. We had already bonded with CJ, and fallen in love with him, so the thought of not bringing him home was terrifying. Please know that when adoptive parents are in the hospital with the baby, the feelings go way beyond happiness. There is sadness, fear, anxiety and much more. Every adoptive family has a different experience, so just be sensitive to that when commenting after the baby arrives.

I write this not to elicit pity from you or make you feel guilty, but to help you understand some of the adoption experience that often does not get shared. I've made it a goal to be completely transparent in our adoption process. I hope that this gives you a little insight into some our private adoption moments.