Mommy Guilt

Definition - feeling like crap because of something that you may or may not have had control over, that involves your kids(s).

This morning, I had to take my little CJ to the ER because he smashed his face at the playground, knocking out his front tooth. He had been trying to climb a ladder with a cracker in his hand and slipped. Honestly, he was more upset about losing the cracker than losing the tooth. Even so, talk about a Mommy guilt moment! In the moment, I would like to think that I held it together. It is easier to hold it together when you have an audience observing the chaos. As soon as we got home from the ER and I had a chance to process everything, I lost it.

Let me begin by saying that I've had Mommy guilt in the past. Working full-time stirred up plenty of guilty feelings (even though I know that was the best option for our family). The moments when I lose it and yell at CJ also open the flood gates of guilt. I'm sure I have a lot more examples. While I've experienced it before, nothing prepared me for the guilt that I felt today.

Once we knew that CJ was fine, my brain automatically turned against me and started the "what if" game. What if I had made him sit down while he finished his snack? What if I was on the equipment with him (implying that I could have prevented the fall)? What if we didn't go to the park today? And the list goes on.

What I wasn't thinking about were the other "what ifs." What if he had bit through his lip? What if he had gotten a concussion? What if I had walked to the park, instead of driving? Ahhh, that makes me feel a little better. This could definitely have been a much worse scenario.

Why is it so easy for us, as moms (and probably dads too), to blame ourselves when things happen to our children? I wish I had an answer. The best I can say is that we love them and don't want to see them suffer. I have worked all day to stop thinking about it, which is a little difficult because my son's smile is a constant reminder (see below).

Not even a knocked-out tooth could bring this guy down!

My answer? I prayed. I finally came to the realization that I cannot fix what happened, and that I probably could not have prevented it. With no other options left, I asked God to remove my guilt and allow me to be thankful that it was not worse. While I still feel bad that he had to experience such a bad fall, I do feel a lot more peace about everything. I just wish that I had gone to God first, instead of trying to rely on myself. That sentence could be the beginning a whole other blog post!