I've been terrible about posting updates on how our process is going. One of the boys had some struggles last week, and so everything else got put on hold. We're back to "normal" and I've had some time to gather my thoughts. Here are a few quick updates for you:
!. Jacob's adoption finalization will be Monday, April 6th. We are so excited that we have a date! The fact that it falls the day after Easter allows Matt's parents to attend because they had already planned on being in Las Vegas for the weekend.
2. Alex's adoption home study is in process. We've done everything we can at this point, and are now just waiting for things to get sent down to Arizona.
3. We found out that we will finalize Alex's adoption here in Las Vegas. We had been under the impression that we would travel to Arizona for the hearing, but our social worker clarified with me last week. It would have been nice to have a reason to go down and visit some people, but we are grateful for one less trip on our calendar.
That's it for now. I'm hoping that I'll soon be able to share Alex's finalization date with you. :)
Monday, March 9, 2015
Saturday, February 7, 2015
I can almost see the finish line!
To think that we started this process almost two years ago is crazy. I don't think I could have ever imagined the twists and turns our lives would take between February 2013 and now. We still have some things to do, but I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel.
First, we were told that we would not have to a whole new home study for Alex's adoption. What a relief. Honestly, we're getting pretty good at home studies at this point (we've had four done so far), but I'd rather not go through it again. All we'll need to do is submit a few documents and have our fingerprints redone. Easy peasy! Thankfully, I already had one of the documents, so really we just need to schedule with the county for our prints. We do still have one more home visit this month before we can move toward adoption. It sounds like we will finalize Alex much earlier than we anticipated.
For Jake, we have one more home visit this month. We just received a request for a local background check, but were able to visit Las Vegas Metro PD this morning to take care of that. I believe we've turned in everything possible to our attorney, so now we just wait for our final report to be written.
To say that I'm glad we're almost done is an understatement. I really like our social workers, but I would love to not have to worry about scheduling monthly visits. It feels a little surreal that the end is near. I just pray that this final stretch is a smooth one!
First, we were told that we would not have to a whole new home study for Alex's adoption. What a relief. Honestly, we're getting pretty good at home studies at this point (we've had four done so far), but I'd rather not go through it again. All we'll need to do is submit a few documents and have our fingerprints redone. Easy peasy! Thankfully, I already had one of the documents, so really we just need to schedule with the county for our prints. We do still have one more home visit this month before we can move toward adoption. It sounds like we will finalize Alex much earlier than we anticipated.
For Jake, we have one more home visit this month. We just received a request for a local background check, but were able to visit Las Vegas Metro PD this morning to take care of that. I believe we've turned in everything possible to our attorney, so now we just wait for our final report to be written.
To say that I'm glad we're almost done is an understatement. I really like our social workers, but I would love to not have to worry about scheduling monthly visits. It feels a little surreal that the end is near. I just pray that this final stretch is a smooth one!
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Brooke's tummy
I always wonder how much CJ understands about adoption. We talk about their birthmom and share their adoption stories (obviously age appropriate versions right now). We read kids books about adoption occasionally. We have worked hard to ensure that adoption is a normal word in our house. Even with all of that, I have always assumed that most of the information goes over his head. He's four; I don't think he cares a whole lot just yet.
Today at church, we had a conversation with one of CJ's friends about Jake. CJ's response blew me away.
E - "Miss Katie, when was baby Jake in your tummy?"
Me - "He wasn't. He was in someone else's tummy, but we get to take care of him."
CJ - "Yeah, we all came from Brooke's tummy."
What?!
I guess he pays attention when we talk about it. While I don't know if he really understands what it means to be in someone else's tummy, I think it is awesome that his response came so naturally.
Down the road, we will have many more conversations about adoption. I will have to answer more in-depth questions. He will want to know why he came into our family if started in Brooke's tummy. He will need to understand how she made her decisions. He will have to wrestle with various feelings often associated with adoption (i.e. grief, anger, confusion, etc.).
I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about having those conversations. I am confident in how we will answer them, but they are still scary to think about because we have no idea how our answers will affect him.
I have to say that after hearing him talk about Brooke, I feel a little better knowing that there will never be a moment when he is shocked to learn that he is adopted.
Today at church, we had a conversation with one of CJ's friends about Jake. CJ's response blew me away.
E - "Miss Katie, when was baby Jake in your tummy?"
Me - "He wasn't. He was in someone else's tummy, but we get to take care of him."
CJ - "Yeah, we all came from Brooke's tummy."
What?!
I guess he pays attention when we talk about it. While I don't know if he really understands what it means to be in someone else's tummy, I think it is awesome that his response came so naturally.
Down the road, we will have many more conversations about adoption. I will have to answer more in-depth questions. He will want to know why he came into our family if started in Brooke's tummy. He will need to understand how she made her decisions. He will have to wrestle with various feelings often associated with adoption (i.e. grief, anger, confusion, etc.).
I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about having those conversations. I am confident in how we will answer them, but they are still scary to think about because we have no idea how our answers will affect him.
I have to say that after hearing him talk about Brooke, I feel a little better knowing that there will never be a moment when he is shocked to learn that he is adopted.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Un-adopting?
I learned a new phrase a few weeks ago...un-adopting.
This is the practice of "re-homing" an adopted child due to extreme emotional or behavioral issues. Often, the child joined the family as a toddler or older, and in many cases it was an international adoption.
Apparently, this is common enough that there are agencies devoted to second adoptions.
I don't even know what to say or think about this. I don't want to judge the decisions made by the adoptive families because I have no idea what they were experiencing. We've experienced transitional issues, but they certainly did not include physical violence that would require medical treatment, as was shared in the articles. I find it terribly sad that a family felt that they had no other option other than to remove the child from their family. These stories make me wonder what (if anything) could have been done to prevent things from going this far.
Adoption finalizations are definitely a moment of joy for a family, but they can be a little scary. For the past 6 months to a year, families have had regular visits from their social worker and access to support whenever needed. Once you go to court, everything stops. So what happens when you have difficulties after you finalize? Some agencies are willing to provide support, but not all. Why are there not more resources for families after finalization?
Like I said, I'm trying not to be judgmental. However, when we decided to adopt, we viewed it as a permanent decision. We knew that our future child could have any number of issues. We were committed to providing this child with whatever support or resources that they may need. It is no different than if we had given birth to a child. I'm guessing that most parents would not place their biological child for adoption if behavior became a problem. Why is it any different for an adoptive parent.
I think I am bothered because this is making adoptive parents look bad. People who are against adoption (yes, these people are out there) are using as fuel for their fight. They are making blanket statements about the intentions and commitment level of adoptive parents. While I could care less about what others think, it saddens me that adoption is getting a bad rap.
Instead of jumping on these parents, we should start finding resources and support for families with child who are exhibiting serious emotional or behavioral problems. There has to be a more positive solution. I just pray that as people consider adoption, especially of older children, they identify possible resources to use in the event that problems occur. Let's be proactive, instead of reactive.
This is the practice of "re-homing" an adopted child due to extreme emotional or behavioral issues. Often, the child joined the family as a toddler or older, and in many cases it was an international adoption.
Apparently, this is common enough that there are agencies devoted to second adoptions.
I don't even know what to say or think about this. I don't want to judge the decisions made by the adoptive families because I have no idea what they were experiencing. We've experienced transitional issues, but they certainly did not include physical violence that would require medical treatment, as was shared in the articles. I find it terribly sad that a family felt that they had no other option other than to remove the child from their family. These stories make me wonder what (if anything) could have been done to prevent things from going this far.
Adoption finalizations are definitely a moment of joy for a family, but they can be a little scary. For the past 6 months to a year, families have had regular visits from their social worker and access to support whenever needed. Once you go to court, everything stops. So what happens when you have difficulties after you finalize? Some agencies are willing to provide support, but not all. Why are there not more resources for families after finalization?
Like I said, I'm trying not to be judgmental. However, when we decided to adopt, we viewed it as a permanent decision. We knew that our future child could have any number of issues. We were committed to providing this child with whatever support or resources that they may need. It is no different than if we had given birth to a child. I'm guessing that most parents would not place their biological child for adoption if behavior became a problem. Why is it any different for an adoptive parent.
I think I am bothered because this is making adoptive parents look bad. People who are against adoption (yes, these people are out there) are using as fuel for their fight. They are making blanket statements about the intentions and commitment level of adoptive parents. While I could care less about what others think, it saddens me that adoption is getting a bad rap.
Instead of jumping on these parents, we should start finding resources and support for families with child who are exhibiting serious emotional or behavioral problems. There has to be a more positive solution. I just pray that as people consider adoption, especially of older children, they identify possible resources to use in the event that problems occur. Let's be proactive, instead of reactive.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
The roller coaster
Lately I've been thinking about how prepared I was to bring two children into our family. The answer...not very. After a rough week with one of the kids, I realized that I underestimated the challenges that we would face. I had done enough research to know what could happen, but I had not considered the possibility that it would happen more than once.
I'll explain.
When we picked up the boys this summer, we knew that there would be a lot of potential adjustment issues for our entire family. In my mind, we would fight through the difficult times and, after a period of time, we would be a cohesive family unit. What I was not expecting was the roller coaster. The ups and downs. Finally feeling like we'd made it through the worst, only to see one or more of the kids regress.
Talk about feeling defeated. I questioned what we had been doing. I grasped at straws to figure out a new approach.
What finally worked was to completely change how I handled each child. I started reading a great book (Raising Your Spirited Child) and took some of their suggestions to heart. I paid very close attention to the triggers for each child and worked to prevent outbursts before they started. It doesn't always work, but things have gotten much better. The other solution...time. As more time goes by, we will better understand each child and their needs.
I do wish that we had known that we'd live on a roller coaster for awhile. When social workers talked to us about the transition period, it would have been helpful to know that we would have periods of peace in between the extreme chaos. It wasn't until a few weeks ago, when I talked with another adoptive couple, that my experience was validated and I learned that it would not be a hill to climb so much as a mountain range to get past.
You know what though, it will get better. It already has. One day, we'll look back and realize that this is simply a blip in our family story.
I'll explain.
When we picked up the boys this summer, we knew that there would be a lot of potential adjustment issues for our entire family. In my mind, we would fight through the difficult times and, after a period of time, we would be a cohesive family unit. What I was not expecting was the roller coaster. The ups and downs. Finally feeling like we'd made it through the worst, only to see one or more of the kids regress.
Talk about feeling defeated. I questioned what we had been doing. I grasped at straws to figure out a new approach.
What finally worked was to completely change how I handled each child. I started reading a great book (Raising Your Spirited Child) and took some of their suggestions to heart. I paid very close attention to the triggers for each child and worked to prevent outbursts before they started. It doesn't always work, but things have gotten much better. The other solution...time. As more time goes by, we will better understand each child and their needs.
I do wish that we had known that we'd live on a roller coaster for awhile. When social workers talked to us about the transition period, it would have been helpful to know that we would have periods of peace in between the extreme chaos. It wasn't until a few weeks ago, when I talked with another adoptive couple, that my experience was validated and I learned that it would not be a hill to climb so much as a mountain range to get past.
You know what though, it will get better. It already has. One day, we'll look back and realize that this is simply a blip in our family story.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Small Victories
The past few weeks, I've been feeling very down about how things are going around our house. With all of the craziness of the holidays, life has been a little crazy at our house. Both of the older boys have a hard time dealing with excess stimulation, so between Christmas and New Years, they been struggling.
It's so easy to focus on the challenges. The fighting between the boys. The yelling when someone doesn't get his way. The disrespect. I have found myself feeling slightly depressed because I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm not an effective mother because I have no idea what will work with each of the boys. Just when I think I've found a solution, they stop responding to it. I have to keep reminding myself that this whole process takes time. It's only been about 5 months, which means we still have a lot of time before things even out.
When things get bad, I am so thankful when God blesses us with good days.
The past two days have been amazing. They older boys have been playing really well together. They ask to go play in their rooms together. They haven't been fighting as much. They are looking out for one another. Praise Jesus! I pray every day that they will play well together. It brings my heart so much joy to watch them running around the house screaming with joy. I don't actually like the screaming, but when it's happy shouts we let it go.
I know that we will continue to move forward in bonding as a family. We will have bad days, but I hope that we can move past them quickly and focus on all of the joy that God has given us.
It's so easy to focus on the challenges. The fighting between the boys. The yelling when someone doesn't get his way. The disrespect. I have found myself feeling slightly depressed because I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm not an effective mother because I have no idea what will work with each of the boys. Just when I think I've found a solution, they stop responding to it. I have to keep reminding myself that this whole process takes time. It's only been about 5 months, which means we still have a lot of time before things even out.
When things get bad, I am so thankful when God blesses us with good days.
The past two days have been amazing. They older boys have been playing really well together. They ask to go play in their rooms together. They haven't been fighting as much. They are looking out for one another. Praise Jesus! I pray every day that they will play well together. It brings my heart so much joy to watch them running around the house screaming with joy. I don't actually like the screaming, but when it's happy shouts we let it go.
I know that we will continue to move forward in bonding as a family. We will have bad days, but I hope that we can move past them quickly and focus on all of the joy that God has given us.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Goals for 2015
We're two days into the new year, and I'm already stressed out. How is that possible? Oh yeah, I've got three kids (two of whom has been over-the-top moody the past few days). After spending a little time thinking about my interactions with the kids lately, I decided I needed to set some goals for myself.
In no particular order...
1. To not let my anger/frustration boil over in the heat of the moment - my kids know exactly how to push my buttons! The problem is, I've given them that ability. Lately, I have let them get to me even more than normal. It isn't healthy for any of us to have me angry, yelling or upset. I know they will continue to do things that drive me nuts, but I am going to choose to stop and say a quick prayer before I react.
2. To forgive myself for mistakes that I make, and not dwell on them - there are things I do everyday that I feel bad about. I get upset with my husband, kids and dog. I make selfish choices. I let people down (unintentionally). From here on out, I am going to pray about it and then let it go. I will not let my mistakes define who I am as a wife, mother or friend.
3. To spend quality time with each child - with three kids, it is almost impossible to really put in the time that I would like with each of them individually. It may not be everyday, but I am determined to give all three boys time with me on a regular basis. I want their memories to consist of me taking time to just be with them, as opposed to getting things done for them.
4. To give Matt his rightful place as head of our household - I am strong-willed...to put it mildly. Sometimes (ok, a lot more than I'd like to admit) I do not show Matt the respect he deserves. My hope it to put his needs ahead of my own, knowing that he is trying to do the same.
5. To spend time daily with the Lord - I receive one or two devotions through e-mail each day, but I don't always get to read them. Often, the kids get up as soon as I'm out of the shower in the morning, and by naptime I have a long list of things that need to get done before they wake up. The problem is, I feel a difference when I am not reading the bible and/or praying on a regular basis. In order to accomplish my other goals, I have to get this one going first. The only way that I am going to be able to be a good wife and mother is to rely on the Lord and look to Him for knowledge and support.
So, 2015, I will work on this. When I fail, which I will, I will go to bed realizing that I can start fresh the very next day. I don't plan to be a perfect wife or mother. I don't expect a complete change by the end of January. I do expect to give it my best and celebrate the successes.
In no particular order...
1. To not let my anger/frustration boil over in the heat of the moment - my kids know exactly how to push my buttons! The problem is, I've given them that ability. Lately, I have let them get to me even more than normal. It isn't healthy for any of us to have me angry, yelling or upset. I know they will continue to do things that drive me nuts, but I am going to choose to stop and say a quick prayer before I react.
2. To forgive myself for mistakes that I make, and not dwell on them - there are things I do everyday that I feel bad about. I get upset with my husband, kids and dog. I make selfish choices. I let people down (unintentionally). From here on out, I am going to pray about it and then let it go. I will not let my mistakes define who I am as a wife, mother or friend.
3. To spend quality time with each child - with three kids, it is almost impossible to really put in the time that I would like with each of them individually. It may not be everyday, but I am determined to give all three boys time with me on a regular basis. I want their memories to consist of me taking time to just be with them, as opposed to getting things done for them.
4. To give Matt his rightful place as head of our household - I am strong-willed...to put it mildly. Sometimes (ok, a lot more than I'd like to admit) I do not show Matt the respect he deserves. My hope it to put his needs ahead of my own, knowing that he is trying to do the same.
5. To spend time daily with the Lord - I receive one or two devotions through e-mail each day, but I don't always get to read them. Often, the kids get up as soon as I'm out of the shower in the morning, and by naptime I have a long list of things that need to get done before they wake up. The problem is, I feel a difference when I am not reading the bible and/or praying on a regular basis. In order to accomplish my other goals, I have to get this one going first. The only way that I am going to be able to be a good wife and mother is to rely on the Lord and look to Him for knowledge and support.
So, 2015, I will work on this. When I fail, which I will, I will go to bed realizing that I can start fresh the very next day. I don't plan to be a perfect wife or mother. I don't expect a complete change by the end of January. I do expect to give it my best and celebrate the successes.
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